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Original poster

How to tell family we don’t want to do (adult) gifts?

68 replies

RandomCatGenerator · 01/12/2022 00:19

Hello

Every year, we give adult extended family members presents they probably don’t need or particularly want, and they give us the same. We don’t need extra stuff and it feels like a bit of a rigmarole for everyone.

I would like to take Martin Lewis’ advice and instigate no presents for adults in the extended family. Instead I would like to tell them - probably via the WhatsApp group I have with my cousins and grandparents - that I’d like to make a donation to charity in lieu of gifts and would be happy for them to do the same instead of getting us gifts.

How do I word this?

OP posts:
Bananamanners · 01/12/2022 02:25

I hate gifts only for adults and I have kids. My kids actually get loads of presents. Your 18 months old won't even know who's bought him gifts. It's actually the adults that don't get many in my experience. In this situation, if you do gifts only for adults, do your elderly granddad and your grandma end up with nothing? Do you expect them to still buy for your kids? Fine set a budget, agree with everyone to do a secret Santa covering adults and kids, agree that you will only buy for the kids reciprocally with other family members who have kids themselves, or say you won't exchange gifts at all this year (although see above on whether that means someone ends up with nothing at all). Not fine to set up a situation where your family unit doesn't have to buy for people, but they have to buy your family unit back!

And don't get me started on the virtue signaling of a charity donation in lieu of presents. Offer the money then and the recipient can choose whether they want to donate it or not.

YumSushi · 01/12/2022 02:28

Bit late for this year

SnoozyLucy7 · 01/12/2022 06:08

Giving to charity aside, just say that you will not be giving any gifts and you don’t expect any. You don’t need to style it out in any other way. These are fully grown adults who know that there is credit crunch on and hard times ahead for everyone, so not getting a Christmas present is not going to kill them.

Theres nothing worse than people wanting a “magical Christmas” by getting themselves in massive debt and not having enough for the subsequent months because they had to get gifts for everyone - all for one day!! It’s nonsense and you have nothing to feel bad for. Just tell them no gifts.

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Passthecheeseboard · 01/12/2022 06:14

Yes your too late this year… I had all my presents bought and wrapped by November 😁

openinggambit · 01/12/2022 06:21

I'm with you OP. I have no interest in buying gifts for my sis/DB/SILs and I've told them repeatedly that we don't need anything, yet yesterday DSis announced she has bought for us when we have said before don't bother. It's just pointless swapping things we don't need!

starrynight21 · 01/12/2022 06:27

The charity thing is a red herring in my opinion. When we got married, we asked for no gifts, but for people to donate to a cancer charity in our names. The charity said they'd send us a list of those who donated ......two people had bothered to donate ! Out of 30 people ! Yet they'd all said oh yes we'll donate . Hmm yes OK.

RoachPussy · 01/12/2022 06:32

I thought the whole point of the Martin Lewis thing was saving money. Give to charity by all means but it sounds more like you either don’t know what to get them or can’t be bothered.

Myshitisreal · 01/12/2022 06:37

I've been trying for years, probably 10-15 years. People don't listen. My mother doesn't listen.

I've phrased it many ways, but no presents "feels wrong" (to her). So that means I get presents and she has less than a pot to piss in. I feel guilty, she feels great and ends up with debt because she goes overboard. It's strange.

You could try saying you're implementing a "no incoming or outgoing presents rule". Say you're scaling back and aren't buying other than the kids, and you would like your family to reciprocate with the "zero present policy". You could say you're opting out of consumerism so won't be giving or receiving presents this year. You could say instead of buying things for people, you would like to do a charity donation (people are weird about this). You could say no presents but you're putting the focus on family time - suggest a go Dutch lunch at the end of January at a nice local pub. Make it clear everyone pays their own bill. Family time angle over stuff?

It's difficult. People don't listen.

Can you buy grandma and grandad joint so he's not confused and she's not left out?

LovelyDaaling · 01/12/2022 06:43

Just bite the bullet and tell the cousins you are stopping the presents. They will all be heartily relieved that you've said what they've wanted to say for years.
I'd continue to give grandparents a gift but it would always be a consumable like biscuits, bottle of favourite drink, etc and say it's time for them to stop buying for you.

Kalasbyxor · 01/12/2022 06:48

Good for you, OP. As timings aren't an issue, just come out with it. Done. And a massive 'gift' for the planet, too.

We don't exchange gifts between adults in our family. It is such a relief. Some family buy for our DC, most don't, as we're geographically scattered (nice phrase, PP). There's just no compelled giving of gifts and therefore no guilt. And definitely no weird expectation from adults to buy stuff for eachother, whether random, token or 'just a small thing you've put a bit of effort into'. I signal my caring for my adult family members by not expecting them to assign any kind of extra 'effort' or expense to buying something for me; I'm an adult. Anything I actually need (a service for the sewing machine and a replacement handle for my garden fork) is likely too specific or expensive to be in reasonable 'wish-list' category. I can buy it for myself.

My preference is for buying second hand, and the thought of my expectation of a Christmas gift being part of a unsustainable thrust of excess in resource extraction, manufacturing and distribution, with all the carbon emissions and environmental and atmospheric pollution that inevitably comes with the creation of 'new' things -err, no thanks.

Christmaslover2022 · 01/12/2022 06:55

We tried this and just said money is tight, we don't even get each other anything but the adults still want gifts. It shows how selfish and materialistic they all are. We were met with oh you can just get me a candle (said candle is over £20!). People are so greedy imo

Roselilly36 · 01/12/2022 07:02

1 Dec, are you thinking about next Xmas OP, it’s a little late for this year, I would say. But a sensible idea going forward.

MassiveSalad22 · 01/12/2022 07:03

If YOU don’t want gifts but you’re happy to spend money still, why not just buy gifts as usual and ask for no gifts/charity contribution for yourself?

This year we just said go siblings ‘let’s just buy for the kids this year as we don’t need or want anything’ - we always struggle to buy for them and they seem to for us to as we always receive useless weird stuff. Siblings all agreed. We all have kids though so still quite fair. I’ve still bought for parents and grandparents but never do for aunts and uncles and cousins.

Sausagenbacon · 01/12/2022 07:47

Just do it. We suggested it to our family last weekend and they were all relieved. We're just doing a secret santa instead.

PeterRabbitHadACarrot · 01/12/2022 07:52

I don't think you can at this point in the year. Many will probably have bought gifts! Next year announce this in September.

AriettyHomily · 01/12/2022 07:55

We haven't done adult gifts for years, we do a secret Santa for any adults who are together in Christmas Day. So much better.

NoelNoNoel · 01/12/2022 08:01

I think you can mention that you’d like a donation to a charity on your behalf as your present but I don’t think it’s fair that you’ve decided to donate to charity on their behalf.
Then I think next August send a text to say you aren’t buying Christmas presents. I wouldn’t just do adults but everyone otherwise it is a stitch up if someone doesn’t have DC.

Havehope21 · 01/12/2022 08:03

Probably too late this year, how about doing one of the charity gifts where you buy them something like a goat or pay for a child to go to school in Africa or a lunch at Shelter etc?

lifeinthehills · 01/12/2022 08:05

RandomCatGenerator · 01/12/2022 01:08

I’m not saying I’m not going to spend any money. But would you be pissed off if you got two goats sent on your behalf fo a Kenyan village, instead of a tangible gift?

I suggested this to a family member once. It went down like a lead balloon.

Havehope21 · 01/12/2022 08:05

Re wording - you could do something like...
'Hi All
Just talking about Christmas this year, we were all really struck by 'XXX' (issue that the charity supports) and would love for our gifts to be in aid of the incredible work that XXX do to challenge this. I know we normally give more traditional presents, so I just wanted to check everyone is happy with this?
Can't wait to see you all soon!
X'

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 01/12/2022 08:06

If the implication is that you still think child free adults should buy for your kids then it’s a bit shit.
We did it in our family but only included those with children, so cousins Jane and Joe would get a gift but their parents wouldn’t, but uncle nick with no kids would get a gift, as otherwise it’s a bit unfair

YumSushi · 01/12/2022 08:08

NoelNoNoel · 01/12/2022 08:01

I think you can mention that you’d like a donation to a charity on your behalf as your present but I don’t think it’s fair that you’ve decided to donate to charity on their behalf.
Then I think next August send a text to say you aren’t buying Christmas presents. I wouldn’t just do adults but everyone otherwise it is a stitch up if someone doesn’t have DC.

I agree. Fine to ask for a donation for yourself but well cheeky to assume other support your charity in the same way

timodo · 01/12/2022 08:10

If you are only buying for children then does everyone in the family have children?

Or is it the case that the childless family has to spend a fortune on gifts for the children and no one thinks to get them anything?

PaintByLetters · 01/12/2022 08:12

There are multiple adults in our family who don't have children or partners. By your rules, they'd have nothing to open at Christmas at all.
No, a charity goat is not going to make them feel loved and thought after and treated on Christmas Day. It's going to make them think no one cares about them.

Nottodaty · 01/12/2022 08:13

We long ago stopped adult gift buying , even for each other! It’s just easier and takes the pressure off.
My Mum is the only one that still buys and we buy for her - but it’s always practical. For example last year I needed a hair cut she paid towards that or I needed a new coat.