Does everyone just put up with a Christmas day they don't want?

[QuestionsFromThePublic]

Apparently this is what my OH thinks. Does everyone just put up with difficult relatives?

DH's DM doesn't want to have her Dsis because she is tedious and bad company. It would "spoil Christmas". Her other siblings and wider family have never asked.

Obviously we do not have to ask this person. DH will though. I have never had a Christmas day I want. I feel sorry for our DC. It is a shit situation, we will make the most of it.

We will have a lovely Christmas Eve and Boxing Day instead.

I do all the cooking so basically hide in the kitchen for most of the day. I would not go as far as hating christmas but I can't stand the charade it has become. I dislike the food waste, the presents that will be gathering dust at the end of the month or in landfill at the end of the year. I would rather be on holiday somewhere where christmas is not celebrated instead of watching various inlaws, neices and nephews all flopped on the sofa watching TV, boozing and munching on sweets all day. Yes I am the grinch.

Op, I was you for many years, with DH’s family. For various reasons we were always the hosts. MIL was a widow, her sister in law was single and the rest of the family are just hard work. The joy was completely sucked out of the day. My parents wanted no part of it.

I did manage a couple of years with my family and parents before they died, but those were few and far between, and only happened when I insisted and told DHs family well in advance.

MIL & Aunt have both passed away now and I take the view that DHs siblings can fend for themselves so we are free to create our own Christmas Day.

It’s not great feeling ‘guilted’ into having extra guests, but it’s hard to think of them on their own; in my case DH loved them, even if I struggled.

We always see family and sometimes I wish it was just us but I still enjoy Christmas. We tend to host as we have the biggest house with spare rooms (family come from hundreds of miles away so need to stay) so Christmas has now become a lot of hard work rather than time to rest. However, I do love being with everyone.
I can't ever imagine a situation where I'd say "Right, this year its just us" and then leaving my dad or my MIL to spend the day alone. It's fine if they have other people to spend the day with but I would never leave someone sitting alone on Christmas day. To me that's incredibly selfish and goes against the spirit of good will, the spirit of Christmas.

I think a bit of compromise is always required. Whether that’s taking turns, or having certain food, or having to invite awkward people. You have to take into account what your partner wants and your DH as your wishes don’t trump theirs. So yes, most people don’t get the Christmas Day they want.

blindasabat

I'm kind of with you there. My midwinters vastly improved once I gave up doing Christmas.

For those who do Christmas and struggle with miserable and/or annoying relatives how about announcing to all and sundry that you will do alternate years henceforth? Then you can do what you want on the "good" years. See the miserable buggers another day if you must.

Not every aspect of Christmas is brilliant but you must be able to find some joy in it somewhere?

Yes until I got divorced !
Childhood Xmas did not start until the men in the family came out of the pub
Married Xmas did not start until my husband and the men in his family came out of the pub
I didn't really question this until I had children and looked at other families .
After divorce weve had fabulous Christmas in pjs with the kids - love it

I just get the impression at times it is all a bit forced, people are going through the motions as that is what is expected and I suspect deep down they would rather be doing something else. I am lucky insofar as not having any previous or ongoing family dramas, we all get along very well and catch up regularly at other times throughout the year. I am just very 'meh' about Christmas and would rather use the time to do something else more enjoyable. When I started to see christmas tinsel in the shops a few weeks ago a little bit of me died.

Yep. I do it to keep my mum happy and help her out as she cooks for about a million people and needs a hand. If I wasn't there it would be very difficult for her. But it means I have to be around relatives I'd rather not bother with if it was up to me.

Life improves when you start living it for yourself ( of course with any children and a good DP in mind too ).

Its not about being nice, its about obligation and guilt. Life is too short for that.

If someone wants to martyr themselves, its not your job to save them.

Depressing that so many people on this thread can only think about considering other people in terms of guilt and duty.

Never visit Ireland 😂

ZOMBIE THREAD FROM LAST YEAR.

Not that it really matters, just a seasonal excuse to moan about unhappy Christmas.

Makes me wonder if we really need new posts or can just recycle old ones.

Yeah I think so. I love my maternal family but my mum spends it with stepdad obvs who is a grumpy man with two sons who are practically mutes so thats sucked then fun out of that. I divorced DDs dad and hate his guts so i resent the kind of 'split christmas' we have to do, ferrying her around. My DPs parents are elderly and limited travel. I like them they are lovely people but everyone ritually turning up to their house for a boring badly cooked meal and making small talk is boring.

Last year was great. we hosted, I cooked a stunning feast, everyone relaxed and had fun. But one particular elderly relative didnt let us know she didnt like the thought of travelling to our house so its all been geographically moved back to the PILs house for this year :(

I think i'll be going on exotic holidays instead when PILs arent around any more.

No. Christmas Day is nuclear family. Boxing Day wider family.

My partner spends every Christmas with his parents and sister. I’m not invited because they want to keep replicating the same Christmas they used to have in the 1970s. They’re quite enmeshed.

It doesn’t particularly bother me, because I can spend Christmas with my mum, but sometimes I think it would be nice to spend Christmas with my partner every now and then, either with his family or in our own house! I’d happily invite them all, but they’ve refused every invitation to dinner over the last 10 years so I don’t imagine they’d accept an invitation for Christmas.

Yes I wouldn't do Christmas at all but I did it for the dc thinking that when they grew up I could stop. They grew up and insisted on coming home for Christmas to spend the day with ASD siblings and to celebrate my birthday. Now we have dgs as well so it feels like I'm stuck in a perpetual Christmas cycle. I ban all visitors from 27th and enjoy my non Christmas then.

Yes. I'd happily skip the day entirely but my family is small and I can't do it. It's my least favourite day of the year.

Wow, that’s a bit unusual. How old is your partner? Does he or his sister not have kids?

Yes, I think it’s rather odd. DP and his sister are both in their 50s with no kids. She’s never had a long term partner. I’m the only long term partner my DP has ever had. So the typical pattern of partners and grandchildren never happened in their family. I get on ok with them but I think occasionally they resent it when my existence interrupts their routines.

It sounds like what the Sarah Jessica Parker film calls ‘Failure to Launch’

Your DH is NOT nicer than you @QuestionsFromThePublic . He's not being nice to you, he's not being nice to your children, he's certainly not being nice to your dad, who can't come because of the auntie.

Have you spelled that out to him? Does he really think your aunt is worth more than the rest of you, and your own father?

She's not even alone. She has other siblings and nephews and nieces.
If he thinks everyone has to compromise...well he needs to tell those people that they do too. And he needs to compromise in your dad's favour for once.

No! When my oldest was a baby my mum invited us for Christmas, I offered to help her with the cooking and she declined saying I should just concentrate on the baby. When we arrived she was huffing and puffing and clearly in a filthy mood moaning that nobody had helped her. I can't be bothered with that kind of nonsense.

Now we always spend Christmas Day at home and I invite my dad round. He cooks the turkey/meat and brings it round and I do the rest of the meal and it's all very chilled out. Even when its not perfect my dad never complains, he's just happy to be with us all. I take the children up to see mum and stepdad on Christmas morning and often my brother and his girlfriend are there with my nephews, if not we'll see them on Boxing Day or whenever.

I do but that's because I'm separated and DD spends most of Christmas Day with her Dad. The three of us spend a few hours together on Christmas morning. That may change now that she's an adult. DD and I do lots of assorted Christmassy things at other times though. It's not just one day.

Otherwise, no. I love my family and I'm happy to spend time with them. My Dad is 83 and I'm aware of the passing of time and I'm not sure how many more Christmases we'll have with him.

In previous years I spent time with my in-laws over Christmas. They're really nice people but we always had to stay over and the forced jollity and spending a lot of time in close proximity to a big group of people sometimes felt a bit strained.

There's nobody difficult in either of the families and I can appreciate that having to spend Christmas with someone like that would make for a very trying Christmas.

I'm aware that the thread is from last year. Thanks @Plexie for drawing that to our attention. I wonder if the OP hosted the aunt in the end?

Neither of our families have tried to guilt trip us into spending Christmas with them. We did so because we wanted to as we were lucky that neither family was difficult.

The other reason is that what is left of both families know that we don't respond well into being guilt tripped, so they don't even try.