Does everyone just put up with a Christmas day they don't want?

[QuestionsFromThePublic]

Apparently this is what my OH thinks. Does everyone just put up with difficult relatives?

DH's DM doesn't want to have her Dsis because she is tedious and bad company. It would "spoil Christmas". Her other siblings and wider family have never asked.

Obviously we do not have to ask this person. DH will though. I have never had a Christmas day I want. I feel sorry for our DC. It is a shit situation, we will make the most of it.

We will have a lovely Christmas Eve and Boxing Day instead.

I would like one year just us, one year ILs, one year my family.

So are you saying that if you only invited aunt on the ILs year, your MIL wouldn’t come? And you ALSO have to invite aunt on every other year?

I’m not sure your husband is ‘nicer’ than you. He’s putting your wishes pretty low on the priority list.

How do you know that aunt would be alone on Christmas Day? Has she actually had a year when she’s not been invited anywhere?

I always have the Christmas that I want because I've always absolutely refused to host anyone, or go to anyone else's.

We're going abroad this year. I actually want just the 4 of us in our new house together. But then MIL will get upset and invite herself here and then DM will get upset we've spent Christmas with in-laws. Then if we go to my parents, in-laws get upset. If we go to in-laws (it's absolutely bloody freezing as they set their thermostat on 12) my parents are upset again. So I usually spend most of Christmas carting 2 children around the Midlands. DC are then expected to perform in front of all the relatives and open some presents, but aren't allowed to play with them immediately because it's time to move on to the next house. They're ND and hate transition and as there's lots of driving DH is in a terrible grump as the stressed DC are driving him crazy and he can't have a couple of drinks on Christmas day. It's a bloody expensive holiday but I'll be so glad it's just us for once!

No. We like to spend Christmas Day on our own. We see my side of the family and his side at either end- one on Christmas Eve, the other on Boxing Day. We never deviate from this.

Part of being a grown up is being kind to people who you don’t like, because it’s The Decent Thing To Do. I would love to have a Xmas without my inlaws but it won’t happen till they die.

DH obv isn't nicer than you because he isn't taking his wife's feelings into consideration

Correct. I tried to make a point against my alcoholic MIL (eg get sober and we’ll do Xmas together) but now she’s gone I wish I’d just done it. 1 day of the year.
Now we are spending it with FIL until he decides/is invited to spend it with his new gf and her family. Wouldn’t let him have Xmas day alone.

was Replying to @Schlaar

Nope, I have the Christmas day I want, mostly.

Part of my feminism is fighting against the impulse to sacrifice my own desires for other people's benefit. I do not want to model that to my dds. Being kind is important, but it is ok to assert for yourself also.

If we went to DH's parents with his sister and her family, aunt would ask to come too.

My dad won't come to my house on Christmas day because aunt is there.I am very lucky my siblings step up and don't need to be prodded into taking a turn. Everyone is fine getting together another time.

If we didn't ask, aunt would probably stay home alone. DH maintains everyone's Christmas is a bit shit because you always need to compromise somewhere. I suppose his family had one of the grandmother's growing up Not sure why we have inherited this issue?

To DH, we have other days together doing what we want. Aunt usually asks to come for NYE too. I am not prepared to compromise on both days over DH's sense of duty. If it comes up on the day, I am happy to have a conversation with aunt about that. Aunt will likely be in on her own. They drive and could go to their other family members if they wanted imo.

I think that Christmas day is special. I finish work at 7pm on Christmas Eve. I want to stay in my PJs and chill out.

Nope. My MIL is awful and while I’ve never had Christmas at her house I can guarantee it wouldn’t be festive – untrained jumpy dog, no tree, doesn’t put the heating on, weird rules, no food (we’ve previously had to bring our own basics like milk, vegetables for DC, bread), TV switched on at full blast at 7am and left on all day except for meals which are eaten in silence. Why put myself and DC through a shit Christmas out of some kind of weird “this is adulthood” obligation?

Luckily DP is on my side so we’ve never gone to hers for Christmas and thank god the terrible dog stops her inviting herself to ours. We have our own Christmas or whatever my family is doing.

I think you don’t have an aunt-in-law problem, you have a DH problem.

I often feel a bit sad that we have no family at all. It’s just me and my two young dc. Feel like they are missing out. I grew up the same - divorced mother, deceased grandparents before I was born, all her siblings abroad, estranged father. Felt a bit crap, seeing all the happy extended families in adverts and films. Reading all your stories makes me feel a bit less sad about the lack of extended family in our lives. Maybe we are lucky.
Xmas Day feels not all that different to a Sunday Roast day, just add a few gifts, crackers. Kinda wish I had some choice like you lot.

Have always spent Christmas Day with just DH and 2 DDs. Then boyfriends joined in later on. That was still hard work for me but great. Now DS is newly divorced and lives near her single dd and gd. Why do I feel obliged to invite them all over on the day, knowing that my DD Number 1 and DH really don’t want that and it will create a strained atmosphere. I really don’t know how to handle situation. I don’t want extra people to deal with either. I see my DS a lot anyway.

We do now, just us.

Unfortunately my side are gone.. I would love nothing more than have other family to visit and bustling in and out, routines of Xmas day here then canapés there and then back here boxing day.
Unfortunately dh family are too miserable and depressing to be around.
They ruined Xmas for me.

I am of the 'be careful what you wish for' camp. I would quite like a christmas with just dh and I and lobster and endless champagne and sex We are lucky though, we have the sort of family that are quite close and loving and just do the normal sort of bickering that goes along with that.

It won't be too long before my elderly parents are no longer with us, then our only grandson (the light of my life) will be off and doing his own thing, maybe our daughter and husband will also be off doing their idea of a perfect christmas and then it will be just dh and I, probs too poor to buy lobster and champagne and too old and tired for sex, what a cheery thought, I will just stick with the imperfect, noisy, at times, annoying people I have.

It's not always easy to say I only have people I love around me on Christmas. I love my In Laws and elderly DF but it doesn't always follow that having them means I get the Christmas I want.
I absolutely would not put up with miserable obligation relatives though even out of love. And I always put my DC in the position of hanging with the relatives for lunch and gifts and then they can go off and chill. I don't make them sit with the older generation all evening. They do bob up and down and join in a few games.
My MIL said at one point where is DD 16 upstairs said I using her new skin care gifts and ignore the implied she should be sat with us 24/7.
I try and have the day I want at some point over the week which involves a lit fire, my new book and some tasty leftovers.
Just make the day work for you even if you have to have the day that might not be your perfect day.

I have to drop the DC over to their dads after lunch so they can spend the evening there, which wouldn't be my first choice but it is definitely what they want. But otherwise I get to choose my plans for the day. My family are always welcome here, they know that, but my grandma isn't really well enough to travel so my DM usually stays at home to be with her, we will see extended family over the holiday period. Its not just about the day itself.

Yeah I agree with this. It's not a special magical day no more than any other but it is one day of the year that's set aside for spending with family. So we spend it with family even though I don't want to drive and I'd rather spend the evening at home in my pjs. I can do that any evening, and I do.

No ... our family is very easy going and there have never been any expectations about where we 'should' spend Christmas and who we should see. We also never got into the routine of 'my family this year', 'your's next year'. We've had lots of different Christmases and I think that helps because we've never got into a 'rut'.

There are minor compromises of course, I prefer to have the main meal around 2pm but DH prefers to eat later so we will do that this year.

As a mother to an only DC (a DS) I am determined not to be the MIL from hell in the future when/if my DS has a partner and family ... I really hope I won't have any expectations that he should spend Christmas with me....

It's not so much that it's with people I don't want to be with. More that the logistics of catering for 18 over a weekend are just exhausting so it's incredibly hard work. Two years ago, for unexpected reasons, we finally got to be catered for. Was bloody brilliant!

Yeah, unless you’re going to be totally selfish I don’t think you can have your dream Christmas Day! I try to view it as a day to connect with family, a day for my DC to enjoy and make ILs and my Mum reasonably happy. And then I try to have a really lazy super selfish pyjamas day with large amounts of cheese and Christmas fudge all to myself on another day when the kids aren’t home!

What’s the travel time? Could you pop over to see Auntie for an
hour or two and then spend the rest of the day just DH and kids?

No. We stopped people pleasing years ago. Now, we have the Christmas that we enjoy with people we actually like. And every other day of the year is better.

There are always threads at this time of year with people telling others that they ‘have’ to invite miserable, arsehole, nasty relatives because they’re relatives and you can’t leave anyone alone at Xmas. 🙄

The older generation in both of our families are no longer with us so it's always just the three of us. I wish I lived nearer my sister because the Christmas we had at hers a few years ago was one of the best we had had in ages. We had to stay in a Premier Inn and I had to drive so it was a dry Christmas for me, but it was so lovely being with her and her family.

We have been invited again but DD lives too far away and has a job that means that she can't take extra annual leave so we can't do this trip this year sadly.

My late MIL always used to come to us for Christmas, and she was a joy to have as a guest. She was a lovely lady, really helpful in the house and had a really special relationship with DD. She really was the ideal guest.

I have always arranged my Christmas around my (separated) parents so they are not on their own. They are both difficult and I can never relax or properly enjoy Christmas - sometimes they can be downright horrid. I have ended up shaping the day to try and minimize the impact they have. Anyway as part of my counselling I have been working on my expectations of both them and myself and realised it's not my job to make their Christmas at the expense of mine every year. They are coming to us this year as normal but next year I have already booked a cottage by the sea with my bestie and her family (she is in a very similar situation), my brother and her sister. We are going to have the relaxed, fun, drama free Christmas we've always wanted. I think I'm going to after that try and set a new pattern of something like alternate Christmas.