Does everyone know a person like this?

[bothsidesofasmile]

Does everyone know a person that every time you speak to them it feels like getting bit by a snake. I think it was covered in Bridget jones, the jelly fish lady? The person seems intent on just one uping everything you say or attempting to make you feel inadequate in some way.

My question is, why do you think these people are like this? And if everyone knows someone like this, is it possible it isn't the person doing it intentionally at all but rather they are tapping into unconscious inadequacies without realizing?

I think perhaps we all might do it unintentionally from time to time when we're excited about something or having the odd humble brag because we're proud of something. But it's entirely different for this to be constant.

In what context do you think you do this?

My in laws are this way. It really is so unfortunate because as a result of their passive aggressiveness I keep contact to a minimum for my own sanity and therefore they dont see their grandchildren as much. It shouldn't but it does affect me so much. Constant snide remarks and back handed compliments.

And it is very clearly insecurity in the case of my in laws! Sometimes I wonder do they not see how they come across or do they just do it and don't care! Hard to know

That's such a shame! I do try and keep the peace for all the children involved in our family but it is very difficult.

This is exactly what I wonder, they must know!

@Mouscadoo To me passive aggressiveness is just a symptom of internal turmoil of dark unfriendliness, so it's probably a blessing in disguise that it kept you and your children away. I think it's unconscious, they don't even realise they're doing it, they're naked, but they don't realise it. Then they wonder why people turn away from them.

Backhand compliments are something else though, it can be really quite clever, nasty, but clever. I never get them until way too late, and I would really struggle to put one together.

Just any smallish group settings basically. If I'm aware I'm doing it, it's probably because in my mind the conversation is really stilted and dull so I'm trying to think of something to rev it up a bit.

Obviously I've also met people who pointlessly brag about how much money their wedding/holiday/kitchen cost apropos of nothing, but I think we're talking about everyone's either mum, next door neighbour or hairdresser there

🤔

School PTA volunteers, hard-working, reliable, clever, creative & fairly selfless but ... I can think of 2 (who didn't even know each other) who could be very... er... abrasive? acerbic? Sharp-tongued ?! One of them even drove other volunteers away (!!) I admired their fierceness but yeah, they were strong personalities. You;d want them to watch your back come the Zombie apocalypse, but in ordinary life, they weren't easy to work with all the time.

they didn't put other people down it wasn't meant to be condescending or snide... but there was an element of not suffering fools or being keen to moan about anyone not pulling their weight. Like I said, all that kind of moaning does is make people wish they never got involved.

@Angelofthenortheast oh ok so you fill gaps in conversations to try and carry the conversation. That's interesting because I think my person does this too as well as her constant bragging and snide comments. I've often wondered if it was a control issue with her. As in she's not comfortable in the conversation unless she's controlling it.

In addition they must notice people not wanting to be close to them if they are like this with everyone. Would that not be clue enough? Perhaps they are not aware they're doing it.

I think that's the case. They just lack self-awareness and are caught in an unconscious defence mechanism. They feel inferior to you in some way - whether that's the fact that you are comfortable in your own skin, or you are better-looking than them, or seem to have lots of friends or have just said something they don't understand and it makes them feel like an idiot ... they're triggered in some way but rather than recognising "Oh... I feel jealous of Kate" their brain bypasses that recognition of that feeling and immediately produces a strong desire to say something that will make themselves look (and therefore feel) superior.

They do notice at some level that people don't really like hanging out with/talking to/dealing with them for long and drift away from them over time, but their brain translates that discomfort into thoughts that most people are fucking idiots/pains in the ass to deal with/self-centred and abandoning/can't be trusted... basically they convince themselves the people who've lost interest in them weren't good enough to be their friends anyway and they can just make new friends.... which they do by bigging themselves up to anyone new who seem to have some status or attractive qualities. Of course, over time, they will become jealous of that status or attractive qualities and will start to feel the need to compete in every conversation.

Wow I think you've hit the nail on the head there! Certainly in the case of my person.

ohhh! OK that's interesting about the control thing. If you sense that she's worried about not having control of the conversation then she's probably terrified of revealing any weakness, like say, if the conversation topic turned to something she didn't know about or understand.

What happens when you make yourself vulnerable in conversation? Even in a light hearted way, like say you talked about a stupid mistake you made, would she respond by sharing a mistake she'd once made, or by detailing how she avoids making mistakes?

And then secondly, if you make a joke about her in a lighthearted way, does she laugh, or does she get a bit serious and genuinely defensive?

Yes, someone on another thread on MN - being nasty for absolutely no reason and trying to make everyone else look bad. Absolutely no need for it

Yes - my OH's cousin. She's insanely competitive, bitches about everyone and always feels hard done by. She's the most depressing thundercloud of a person I've ever met and makes out that she's a saint and martyr.

My mother is also like this if her mental health is poor. I know now never to call her on my birthday as she'll make me feel sad all day.

I knew someone like this. She went out of her way to make me feel like shit every time we saw each other.
I pointed it out to her, asked her to stop, limited my time with her and then just eventually told her to go fuck herself and cut her off completely.
She is the most toxic person I've ever met.
No one stays friends with her for more than a year or two max.

I think everyone has at least one person like that in their circle even if it's a work colleague or boss.
Unfortunately, I have a family member like this whom I now avoid.
I think their meanness worked for them when they were popular in high school and in a way still works for them as adults because it still works for them. You see, most people's reactions to them are:

1. People stick up for themselves or others gossiped about = creating drama and attention which they love. They might even spin the narrative so they are the poor lamb in the story sometimes leading to the genuine victim apologising to them which they 'gracefully' fake accept
2. People become extra nice and careful with them so they stay on their good side = people arse licking them boosting their ego and importance, giving them more influence in the group because what they say goes and is right.

I have heard of these people, but thankfully have none in my life so they can't be omnipresent!

Maybe partly it's to do with how people respond around them - I'm not competitive at all, so perhaps I do know these people after all but they just don't bother trying to play this game with me? I imagine it would be dull.

Maybe it goes right over your head @QS90 in this case, good for you!
It's because I'm not competitive that iI find it annoying to find they insert competition into everything. Took me a while to put my finger on it but once you see it you can't unsee it.

@Angelofthenortheast thats interesting, with my one, you can’t really make jokes about her as she doesn’t get them and then often gets very defensive, pretends to be hurt. Making myself vulnerable in conversation, I haven’t done this for ages with her so can’t really remember. A couple of examples come to mind though. When id had children, I was waiting for my milk to come in and worrying about it (1st time) and she starting going on about how she never had any issues feeding any of her daughters. When I had a EMCS she says oh dear what a shame, I never had any c sections (at the time it sounded nice but later realised it wasn’t ). Got morning sickness, cue I was never sick with any of my pregnancies! Then poo pooed me when I mentioned in conversation that the only good thing was it could mean a healthy pregnancy. (Is previously had two miscarriages which obviously I DIDNT tell her about!) I’m half tempted to drop a few vulnerabilities into conversation to see what she does 😂🤷‍♀️

I have a family member who is exactly like this, and yes, she does bring out the worst in me. They stayed with us in our granny annex for several weeks one summer, and it has taken me nearly 2.5 years to emotionally bounce back from what felt like a targeted campaign to grind my self esteem down to nothing.

My MIL is one of these people. She likes to come across as nice but very superior. As DH says, "if you've been to Tenerife then she's been to Elevenerife"! Very tiresome!

@RitaSueandBobtwo Omg wouldn't you just love to gag her and lock her up in the stationery cupboard. I know someone like this, constantly blowing her own trumpet and putting others down. She's a witch andxan imposter. I wish she'd f**k off for good.