How to phrase stuff so that the recipient doesn't become defensive ?

[peridito]

I am very very bad at this.
For instance ,I've just said "if you're going to wear those shoes without socks you need to spray them with the athletes foot powder or you'll reinfect your feet "

response "oh yeah ,right ,right "said angrily

Is it a teen, or an adult?

This sounds like you're managing someone and giving them instructions. Is there any reason why you're doing this? An alternative way of saying it would be 'you might to consider....' or 'do you think it might be an idea to...'.

i agree it makes a difference who you’re saying it to.

I don't think it's that bad really, we aren't always responsible for other people's defensiveness. Who were you speaking to and in what context? If it's your adult DP then I'd not even have bothered, we aren't their mothers.

If I felt it required sensitivity then I'd probably just have said "would you mind/ It's probably worth putting some AF powder in the shoes if you're going sockless - it's in 'x' cupboard.

Ultimately, AF is contagious so if I shared a home with someone who kept having it and couldn't be bothered to fend it off or properly prevent it then I'd not be overly happy and would expect them to be on board.

It depends who you're speaking to and your tone of voice.
It could be a practical piece of advice to a teen child or it could be very condescending towards a partner who is more than capable of sorting their own shoes.

The issue I think lies with the ‘If you’re going to…’ which implies a level of judgement (‘Of course I would wear socks, but if you’re going to make that wrong choice then…’)

Lower conflict ways of phrasing could be:

’Do you want the athlete’s foot powder spray - it’s in the cupboard.’

Then they can say ‘No,’ and you can give the reinfecting reasoning, plus a bit of ‘would be a shame to run the risk of reinfecting’ etc.

Or

’The foot powder spray is upstairs, do you want me to fetch it if you’re wearing those without socks?’

Basically you want to take away the overtone of ‘I know this but you clearly don’t’ and turn it more to ‘have you considered?’

Excellent advice and analysis .
Yes I am judgemental ,absolutely this .And yes,
This sounds like you're managing someone and giving them instructions.Plus of course the tone of voice which I'm sure reinforces that vibe .

It's my partner ,he has long standing athletes foot and I know he really suffers with it .But it drives me mad that he continues to wear fabric trainers with no socks .And leaves piles of discarded socks next to where he sits .
We don't have the closest of relationships but we live together and I know I need to make more effort to get on .But I need to employ a less counter productive approach .

@NoSquirrels do you have a link to anything I could read that would help me with rephrasing ? Or any golden rules I need to think of before I speak ? I remember someone once telling me that to avoid "attacking" in a conversation it's best to phrase it as it relates to oneself eg I feel upset when you ..as opposed to you shouldn't keep ..
IYSWIM

I wonder if I should say something along the lines of
"It makes me really frustrated when I see you wearing shoes with no socks because I worry that you'll forget to spray them and that then you'll reinfect your feet "

which is at least honest and acknowledges my irritation ?
Is that better or worse though ?

Maybe leave out the first bit and just say I worry you'll get athletes foot again if you don't spray the shoes.

I think that is perfect, but as a follow-up to ‘Shall I grab you the athletes foot spray?’ in the immediate moment where you see someone with no socks on with their trainers.

So

’Shall I grab you the spray if you’re going sockless?’

’No, I can’t be bothered/Bloody hell why are you nagging me etc’

’I feel frustrated when I see you wearing shoes with no socks because I worry that you'll forget to spray them and that then you'll reinfect your feet. And I don’t want to catch it!’

Or this!

why do you keep telling him if you already have?

A simple ‘Dont forget to spray your feet. I know the athletes foot is uncomfortable’, said once and the. Let him get on with it.

I don’t have any handy sources to link about low conflict language but if you Google you should find stuff along the lines of the ‘I feel’ statements.

I would say it’s a habit that comes fairly naturally to me but I recognise that you have to actively work at it if it hasn’t been modelled to you or you are naturally direct. My DH is not naturally great at it!

And then there are always some people who take offence no matter what, and you have to know if you’re dealing with one of those.

Fine to say to a random in Clark’s but a massive no to speak to your partner as if he is a simpleton/juvenile.

He's an adult and knows that if he doesn't spray his feet they will be infected again.
So just leave him to it

What he does about his feet and shoes is up to him. Honestly I'd not be on his case about it because you're not his mother and he's a grown man.

The bigger issue in my opinion is he leaves his manky socks lying around and you're not that close in a relationship.

Just leave him be. If he wants to repeatedly get athletes foot then that’s his lookout.

To me it sounded like you were speaking to a child.

I'd have said "have you sprayed your feet?" to find out if he had, rather than giving direction. He surely knows he needs to - or do you think he doesn't realise?

TBH I think even spraying the shoes, he still might get reinfected, as it's nowhere near as ideal as a new, freshly laundered pair of socks. It's difficult to spray shoes properly.

If I was him I'd have some indoor shoes like Japanese style, maybe flip flops, something plastic, something where athlete's foot cannot grow. Also something where loads of air can get to his feet and they remain dry. Then you can knock it on the head.

It's really unfair on a partner.

My mum's boyfriend had a toenail problem and was lax about this and passed it on to my mum. She's now dealing with it and it's something that takes years. It's not really fair on a partner at all. I mean if they're lax about it./don't care, rather than if someone takes care.

My MIL is like this, everyone gets very defensive when she gives advice as she phrases is like you are a little child…the way you phrased it in the first post is exactly the kind of thing she’d say to me or DH but in an annoying tone of voice, including advice abkjt the children….sorry 🙈. I don’t have any answers on how to make it better but it’s good that you are recognising it. Actually makes me feel a bit guilty about getting angry about my MIL as she’s probably very nice and maybe just doesn’t realise she’s doing it. Actually my solution would be just to not give advice full stop maybe 🤷‍♀️

Thank you @NoSquirrels for this

’Shall I grab you the spray if you’re going sockless?’

’No, I can’t be bothered/Bloody hell why are you nagging me etc’

’I feel frustrated when I see you wearing shoes with no socks because I worry that you'll forget to spray them and that then you'll reinfect your feet. And I don’t want to catch it!’

That order of remarks sounds perfect .

How does his athletes foot affect you?

I think you're trying to control his behaviour.

Away from the incident I'd say "If you're going to keep reinfecting your feet, I'm going to...". Or "...I'm not going to...."

For those who think I should let him get on with it ,it is in my interest to facilitate the control of AF .It is very contagious and I want to minimise the risk of him passing it on .

I'm doing no good by talking to him as if he were a child or a simpleton -which I agree I'm doing .I know I'm patronising and undermining and I need to address that .He is inclined to laziness but my attitude drives him further into that I think.

Why do you need to be the one to change? Why can't your partner change how he talk to you? Why can't he tidy up his socks??

I'm sorry your relationship is not great. What could help it? Is he like this when you try to talk about other things?

@peridito actually thinking about it, your situ is different to my MIL as his actions directly affect you IYSWIM so ignore my advice about leaving him to it!