How to phrase stuff so that the recipient doesn't become defensive ?

[peridito]

I am very very bad at this.
For instance ,I've just said "if you're going to wear those shoes without socks you need to spray them with the athletes foot powder or you'll reinfect your feet "

response "oh yeah ,right ,right "said angrily

I understand ragwort and I do accept that there are many things that won't change and I live alongside a lot of behaviour that I wouldn;t ,in an ideal world ,choose to . My partner does the same I'm a 100% sure .

Accepting doesn't mean that there aren't some sticking points where I'd like to be able to negotiate some change .And talking to him in a bossy ,undermining way because I'm angry and lack respect won't achieve that .

We're in our mid 70's and have lived together for over 30 years .I think, pragmatically ,there's probably more to be gained -financially and from a living standards point of view - by staying rather than leaving .

There's some great advice here but you've also asked for some techniques to help with feedback.

There's a nice way to structure feedback called ORCA. More aimed at professional rather than domestic feedback, but it's still useful. Sone of the advice on the thread is similar but some people like a structure to help.

Search ORCA feedback model and you should find it but is essence it's a 4 part structure.

O - observation- facts of the situation. You last wore those trainers when you were infectious.
R -relevance. Why should this matter to the recipient. Keeping your feet away from infection will help it clear up sooner.
C - Consequences. The result of the situation. This is where you can include the impact on you. Again, factual. Wearing those trainers without socks will likely reinfect/make your infection worse. It makes me feel....
A - Action. What would you like to happen. Let me grab the spray to disinfect the trainers, etc.

Oh I love that approach @trashcansinatra and can see how it would be useful in lots of situations ,as you say not just domestic .I'll use it for my next phone call to Thames Water about the long standing leak outside .
Stick to the facts and park the emotion .
Thank you .

Ha! My DH is also in his 70s but if he left a pile of manky socks by his chair I would tell him I was going to fucking burn them.

After 50 years of marriage he knows to take me seriously.

You wouldn't tolerate this in a flatmate or a teenager. I understand you want to be respectful, but that should be a two way street. He is an adult and you are not his mum. What about your feelings? Don't you count?

I’m more interested as to why you are ‘worrying’ about a grown man? It sounds like your infantilising him and the truth is you’ve hitched your wagon to a man child who would be out the door if it wasn’t for financial ties.

Oh heavens. This sort of thing was a large chunk of what was discussed when we went to marriage counselling.

I have no clue what your general relationship is like but we came to the conclusion that if you are getting on well anything like this comes across as helping. If you aren't getting on so well it's a criticism.

But also some men don't like to be told for all sorts of reasons.

Previous posters suggesting things like

'Ooh I put the foot stuff in the upstairs cupboard if you want it'

Or

'If you let me know when you've used up the foot stuff I can get some more'

generally works better in this case. It worked for us anyhow.

Good luck OP

It sounds like your infantilising him and the truth is you’ve hitched your wagon to a man child who would be out the door if it wasn’t for financial ties.
Lot of truth in this @RudsyFarmer

Following because I'm also rubbish at this.

Love that ORCA thing. Thank you @trashcansinatra

But can I also say op how very gracefully you've accepted criticism, even though some of it has been put quite bluntly

Tell him that my husband ended up dangerously ill in hospital on iv antibiotics with a raging infection throughout his entire body that drs think was caused by bacteria getting in through a miniscule spot of athletes foot.

I didn't mean to be flippant and sorry if it came across that way.

I think we can all check and dismiss our judgement, it's an ongoing endeavour. The difficulty (that therapy can help with) is recognising the subtle judgements so engrained in our psyche that we don't recognise then.

In the case here, its very obvious judgement that you yourself easily recognise op. So there is no reason why you can't 'just drop your judgement'. You recognise it, we've discussed here now unhelpful it is, so you could acknowledge that and stop.

Thats different to (as an example) a man who's judgemental towards his ex's "soft" parenting because of layers of issues in his own upbringing. That's an example where someone might not even see that their thoughts (as therefore behaviour) are bases on the judgement of others. Which us infact a judgement of oneself.

This is veerying into the tertiary of armchair psycobabble now. But suffice to say, checking and trying to stop your judgement of DH will help you understand that controlling his behaviour isn't going to solve much.

As PP said, you can only control your response to his behaviour. That might mean reassessing your relationship as a whole. In your 70s, I understand that the balance of likelihood is that you'll put up with a lot rather than leave. So be it.

• Maybe you throw away his shoes that you think are infected.
• Maybe you spray his shoes because it bothers you.
• Maybe you insist on am extension and second bathroom so you don't share barefoot space
• Maybe you throw away every discarded sock.
• Maybe you insist on separate bedrooms
• Maybe you spend less time in his company

Maybe these actions, without extended discussion or judgement attached, will help DH see how his behaviour affects (and discusts) you and so he will change his behaviour.

It's about the tone as well as the vocabulary.

There's a lot of "you" in what you're saying to him combined with a tone of instruction rather than an offer to help, which can come across as accusatory as well as talking to him like a child. So instead of: "If you're going to wear those shoes without socks you need to spray them or you'll re-infect your feet" - which is the kind of thing you might say to a young teenager and by default tends to have a more negative tone, a different approach might be to adopt wording/tone that assumes he's already used the spray/powder. Even if you know he hasn't, the point is that this allows you to "help" without making him feel like he's being spoken to like a child. It's all about how people feel when they hear something. So you might say "Have you still got enough of the spray for your shoes? There's another one in x cupboard...." or "Are you still okay for that spray for your shoes? I'll leave another can on the side if you're running out..." - it's a reminder without sounding accusatory and offers him the opportunity to do what you want him to do without him feeling like he's obeying an instruction.

I had a manager at work once who had a genius approach - he NEVER said "do this... do that" or "why haven't you done this?" or "Have you done that?" - he always phrased things with benefit of the doubt eg: "I'm sure you've already done x..." or "I know you'll have already considered y...." and then something like "but if you need any input or want to discuss it before the deadline just let me know". It was enough of a reminder and a little nudge without putting people on the spot or embarrassing them. If you later screwed up then yeah - you'd get into trouble - but it was about guiding other adults with respect and it worked SO well.

There is a FANTASTIC book called "Drop the Pink Elephant" - I think it's about £6 or £7 on Amazon - it's all about how to phrase things - how they are heard - and how to get people on your side just by adjusting how you say things. It's not a long read - but a very useful one.

OP's husband is behaving in a minging way.

I would sit him down and say that you have noticed he does this barefoot thing and gets AF all the time, what's going on for him there as it is unhygienic and that it annoys you he is acting in this careless way. Maybe he needs trainer socks?

I'd be embarrassed to talk to anyone like the OP (like a mother eww) but I would not put up with his nonsensical behaviour either. Speak to him as an equal partner, if you can't talk, I'm not sure how solid your relationship is.

I like this @alfagirl73 So you might say "Have you still got enough of the spray for your shoes? There's another one in x cupboard...." or "Are you still okay for that spray for your shoes? I'll leave another can on the side if you're running out..." - it's a reminder without sounding accusatory and offers him the opportunity to do what you want him to do without him feeling like he's obeying an instruction.

Will be getting "drop the pink elephant"

@FindingMyShoes thank you for the suggestion of a more direct approach ,I do wonder what is going on.I do need to treat him as an equal ,of course it's awful that I've adopted this habit of not respecting him .There is history that has led to it ,but even so .

I'm glad I posted ,lots of helpful posts .

I know OP, I can imagine, I am not judging you, it's your partner who's acting in this silly way and basically not hearing you so you have to put on this instructive tone. He should learn some self respect and common sense (look after his feet) and respect you so you don't have to speak to him like a cross mother. Good luck OP!

@FindingMyShoes ,you're very kind ,thank you .And also @Rogue1001MNer for your kind words as well .

@Skelligsfeathers raging infection throughout his entire body that drs think was caused by bacteria getting in through a miniscule spot of athletes foot.
Pause for thought there .When you get older ,as we are ,it's not so easy or wise to adopt a "let him get on with it/not your problem " approach .Partner already has discoid eczema and he needs to keep on top of managing his skin .

But ,but ..I think one of the main problems is that he is not fully independent,doesn't take responsibility,is old fashioned /unreconstructed .I don't know how to describe it ,not exactly a "man child" .And I'm reinforcing that .
Which is what @RudsyFarmer was pointing out .

The obvious answer would be not to mention it then. That would be treating him as an equal. You seem completely unwilling to accept that bit, and think that by wording it differently he won't notice your contempt. He will. If you are trying to get some point across about your relationship in general, complaining about his feet isn't the way to do it.

I'm aware that I'm not treating him as an equal. I'm not convinced that remaining silent over the matter of reinfection will = treating him as an equal .

I'm not trying to get any point about our relationship across ,either on here or to him .We're both pretty pragmatic about our relationship .

Is his capacity that of an equal? Or are you caring for him?

I'm thinking of my own relationship with my Mum, who is 78. It's always been an equal adult relationship. But she's recently become forgetful and difficult sometimes. I've found I sometimes have to be assertive with her and try to insist she does things even when she doesn't want to, rather like you would to parent-to-child. I'm finding it difficult to navigate this change in our relationship. I can imagine a similar change in the husband-wife relationship would be equally as difficult to manage.