How to phrase stuff so that the recipient doesn't become defensive ?

[peridito]

I am very very bad at this.
For instance ,I've just said "if you're going to wear those shoes without socks you need to spray them with the athletes foot powder or you'll reinfect your feet "

response "oh yeah ,right ,right "said angrily

Why do you have to change?

He's a grown man.
Why is it your job to check he looks after his feet?
Why is it your job to sort his socks?

it is in my interest to facilitate the control of AF .It is very contagious and I want to minimise the risk of him passing it on .

I would phrase the response entirely around that then.

"Wait. I am going to spray those with AF spray before you put them on, because I don't want to catch AF" <fetch spray, spray shoes>

Sounds like he’s behaving like a child. And he knows it so he’s going to be defensive however you word it.

@Eupraxia - "I think you're trying to control his behaviour."

Guilty as charged

"How does his athletes foot affect you?" - I don't want to catch it .I don't want the many ,many pairs of shoes and sandals that he buys in the hope that his feet will be more comfortable .Never mind the difficulty of accommodating over 60 pairs of socks that he has bought for the same reason .
He is on the wrong track .I wish I could steer him into a more effective course of action .

Soissons the problem that he buys too many pairs of shoes and socks, that them have to be put somewhere?

So space?

Allocate him a fair and reasonable space and state anything which doesn't fit goes in the bin.

Soissons = so is the (missed the space bar then phone auto corrected)

@Eupraxia Wait. I am going to spray those with AF spray before you put them on, because I don't want to catch AF
I think I will say and do just that .It removes my outburst of telling him off and judging which was embedded in my exchange quoted in my first post.
I will need to practice a calm and non inflammatory tone .

I think the real issue here is that he is behaving like a child/ idiot and so you end up talking to him like one. It’s not simply that you are giving unwarranted and unasked for advice, but that it’s hard to treat someone like fully formed adult and simply watch when they are making these kinds of ‘mistakes’ over and over again.

There’s much more wrong here than just the athlete’s foot.

Yeah the real issue is that he doesn't look after his health nor care about infecting you. Reckless and slovenly.

It's not just lack of space or cost it's a whole mix of things .
It includes irritation and, being honest, a judgemental feeling of how can someone act like this .A sense of superiority on my part that it's not obvious to him that he needs to focus his energy on foot hygiene and treating the fungus .

Mustard I agree with you ,but ..my approach is reinforcing his behaviour .

It includes irritation and, being honest, a judgemental feeling of how can someone act like this .A sense of superiority on my part that it's not obvious to him that he needs to focus his energy on foot hygiene and treating the fungus

The same could be said of weight. Bring obese.

Are you overweight OP? If you were, how would you feel to know others look at you with "sense of superiority that it's not obvious to him that you needs to focus your energy on losing weight"

I can think of a lot of other examples, not just weight.

Your judgemental attitude is your problem, noone else's.

@Eupraxia I disagree. For one, you can't be infected with obesity from walking on the same surfaces and don't get me started on the complexity of reversing obesity it's in no way shape or form as easy as treating athletes foot. Come on!!!!

Is it the Athletes Foot that bothers you or is it the shoes/socks? My DH has occasionally had AF and it's never spread to anyone else in the house.

I think it's time to stop mentioning it at all tbh. It's not working, it's just annoying him and there's no way of rewording it that's going to work.

Avoid using "you" so stick with "I feel".

Oh, this 100%!

I bought myself a new (to me) car in the summer. I was telling MiL about it on the phone, and she said "Now I hope you're going to remember to get it serviced and MOT'd every year?"

I'm 49 ffs.

@Eupraxia Your judgemental attitude is your problem, noone else's.
I completely agree with you on this ,it's something I'm always aware of and that I'm not proud of .

@ChicCroissant The other stuff bothers me but the AF bothers me most.And also TBH the fact that he's not treating it the way I would

@crossstitchingnana Thank you ,that's very good advice .

In my job I work with a couple of degreee qualified counselling therapists. I've never known or seen a therapist so was interested in how you learn to be a therapist and was asking them.

They basically said that their training involved they themselves having significant amounts of intensive therapy in order to 'work through' all of their feelings of judgement, so they could then face clients without judgement or projection.

It seems that the central key to bring emotionally balanced is not showing judgement to others.

So yeah, losing your judgemental thoughts would probably help you.

I'm interested in your reported comment from therapists saying that their training involved

having significant amounts of intensive therapy in order to 'work through' all of their feelings of judgement, so they could then face clients without judgement

Wouldn't it have been easier for them to just loose their judgemental feelings ?

I think the point was that it took all that therapy to do that. Then to onwards, as they are working with clients, be very aware when they are sensing their own judgment and be able to stop it affecting others.

All of this is am aside to your situation op.

It's just that, by working alongside therapists (very highly qualified ones), I am beginning to understand how damaging judgement is to ones own wellbeing. Yet at the same time doesn't help the person you feel judgement towards. So negative response from every angle.

It boils down to the old saying "You can't control the behaviour of others, just your response to that behaviour"

I think the point was that it took all that therapy to do that -well quite ,seemed a bit odd to then address me with a casual sounding "yeah well ,loosing your judgemental thoughts"
As if I don't try do so !

And Yet at the same time doesn't help the person you feel judgement towards -I'm so aware of this ,partly why I was asking for help in phrasing requests over something that irritates me .

Has he been tested for diabetes?

Diabetes is an interesting thought.I have wondered if there isn't more than AF going on .

I really wouldn't notice or care what my DP was wearing on his feet. Step back.

I learned years ago that you can't change anyone else's behaviour you can only change your own reaction to their behaviour. I expect it doesn't matter how 'nicely' you ask your DP to sort out his AF problem he's ever going to change.

So you need to decide how you will deal with this issue .., protect yourself from catching AF ... do you share a bed ... stop that. Maybe you need to look at your relationship overall and decide if you really want to be with someone who leaves manky socks around ... you say you don't have the best of relationships so can you make plans to separate?

I am sure my DH and I have habits that irritate each other but you get to the stage where you either accept it ... or separate.