How have I got to 57 and have no friends

[Jenasaurus]

I must be an awful person, the only people I have in my life are my 3 adult children and their partners. I have some good work relationships and am friendly and chatty when I meet people in a social environment but I literally have no one I can call up for a chat or go for a drink with.

I was with my DCs father for 28 years and when we split up realised I am totally alone, both my parents have passed away, my sister has moved to another town, I had 2 very dear friends when I was a teenager, one commited suicide last year and the other emigrated when she married at 19 to America.

I want to travel but I am scared of going by myself, although I will if I have too, my DC are my world and I know would go with me if I asked but they have their own lives to live. My mum was my best friend, for years we would go out to bridge together 3 times a week, my DD is my best friend too, but this is unhealthy. How do I change things, I literally haven't a clue how to make new friends, I come across as confident, but inside I am very insecure and its all a bit of a show.

I recently had a diagnosis of diabetes. I changed my life, lost nearly 4 stone and have given up smoking, I should be happy, thought I would be, but I am so lonely and fear retirement as my work interaction keeps me in touch with other people, as I say 2 of my colleagues I am very close too, one a similar age and I think she also has just her family as she holidays alone, but is always at her DDs house babysitting. I don't have grandchildren yet, maybe I will have more purpose then. The other lady is lovely, 10 years or so younger than me and a very interesting person, we clicked and get along really well, she is also a drummer in a band and does such fun things, she said she wants us to go out one night as she said she thought I would be good fun,, but she lives quite a distance from me and neither of us drive (we all work from home, so only speak on teams and a monthly face to face team meeting) - also I think its something she says without meaning, we can talk for hours and she does call me after work too but I dont know if she is just chatting to gossip about work things or if she actually likes my company.

I feel I don't really fit in, I think when I am out with my DC I forget my age and want to do 'young people' things like dance, etc.. And possibly embarrass my adult children who seem more mature than I am.

Does anyone else have no friends at a similar age, everyone else appears to have an abundance of friends on social media, I am feeling sad tonight, any tips what I can do to change my situation appreciated as now I have lost weight I want to go out again and have fun, but no one to have it with. I dont want another relationship with a man, I was with my DCs father from school for 28 years and then a second relationship with an emotionally abusive man for 7 years, I just want to go out to a concert, visit new places at the weekend and have fun and make a close friend.

Sorry if this depresses anyone, just all came to me tonight in quite painful waves of emotion and wanted to let it out and I have no one to tell as I dont want my DC to know I am feeling so low

Oh darling! You sound absolutely lovely. And this WILL pass because you have recognised it and can now do something about it.

im not going to offer ideas and advice. It sounds like you know what to do, and you also sound very hard on yourself too.

Sending you lots and lots of self-care hugs and vibes x

Well, decide what you want to do.
If you want to go out with this friend, then do it. Suggest you go and listen to her band, or ask her if she goes to hear other bands or whatever.

Or - you mentioned bridge. It can't be too difficult to find others to play with. Indeed (and I've never played) someone asked me the other day if I played as they are looking to recruit new members.

Or - what else do you like doing ? Join a club or society. Or volunteer. Or take up a sport or join something like The Ramblers. Or take up a hobby. Or learn something new be that hand bell ringing or yoga, cocktail making or any sort of crafting. Or join a book club. Or U3A. Or the Local History society. Or Friends of your local park. OR a political party. Or a campaign group for a good cause. Or a fundraising group.

I mean you can go to the theatre on your own - I do that all the time. But if, for you, the fun is in going out with someone then talking about the play or the show afterwards, then you can ask any of the new people from the new things you start doing.

Totally understand. I feel the same. I often think a change of location is what I need. Keep trying and you might find your tribe. x

I think your colleagues ARE friends. Like, actual friends. So there are two.

Keep going!

Sorry you feel the same way, I think if I was younger in this situation it may be easier as I would feel more confident to venture out, but at my age if I went and sat in a bar or club I would look odd, also its not really how you meet friends is it. I hope this time next year we have both made some friends x

Your colleagues sound great, and it sounds like they like you too. Why not suggest going for a drink or something to eat after work? I think it's easy for this to happen after you've been bringing up children+ in a relationship.

Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot to know someone has read and responded, its that connection I miss in the real world too, the laughs and sharing the sad times too.

You are right, I do know I need to take a step forward, maybe join a club or even accept my colleagues invitation and take a train to her town, I just dont like imposing if she wasnt genuine.

X

Honestly you sound lovely. Full of energy, close relationships with your family. Sometimes due to circumstances like family commitments it is hard to make new friends and I think it is harder as you get older. Just try to do activities you enjoy for their own sake and hopefully connections will follow. Otherwise look for the W I or books groups rambling groups volunteering etc etc

Yes you are right. I should go back to the bridge club, but I played there with my mum from the age of 31 for 20 years, we were known as the girls, I dont think I could go as it would be too painful not playing as her partner, we always laughed and enjoyed the game, but other players, normally husband and wife took it very seriously and even a couple split up over it, she stormed out of the club as she said her husband was messing up her games.

I actually nearly booked a holiday in Spain today on my own, the hotel looked lovely but it was called Tui two, which I think is their couples range so I may feel out of place, also the cost for a single person is a rip off. Almost the same as 2 people. I think I will have a go at lone travel and see how that works out as a first step. Where would you think would be a safe place to visit for a lone female? I quite like Greece and Italy but dont want a singles type holiday, more a normal holiday, where I can swim and read and relax, but also be able to chatter with people too. I do wonder if I may end up lonelier though looking at others travelling in groups of friends, families and couples.

Life can be hard sometimes cant it? I am going to do one thing though take a small step and say yes to my colleague, maybe arrange a christmas meet up.

Don’t second guess invitations! I think that’s a good rule for life tbh!

Im similar age to you and have gone through a lot of changes lately and have found that CBT has been remarkably helpful in identifying some habits and “views of the world” that weren’t useful to me. The self exploration has been enlightening too. I feel lighter and more able to “show up for my own life” as a consequence. Might this be of interest?

I was you a few years ago. Absolutely no friends. I didn’t work as one of my children is disabled. I forced myself out of my comfort zone, took myself off to things and whilst I hated it, I have built up some friends now.
On the verge of being Wendied though, so I’m going to have to try and build up some new friends before it happens.

Friendships as adults are hard. loads of people are in the same position I think.

Thats a good way of thinking of it, one of them is my boss, she was so kind to me when my mum died and also recently when I had my diagnosis, she has led a very different life to me, but seems to be genuine in the care she has shown, maybe I have friends all along, and just didn't realise. Come to think of it, she said to me a while ago that she wished she lived closer to me as she would have helped out when I was unwell and struggling, she is a friend isn't she? Can your manager also be your friend or is that a conflict (she does my appraisals etc. so not sure if its ethical to be close to her) I actually think her own Manager told her to distance herself from me as another colleague thought I was her favorite.

Thank you for your post, its opened my eyes up to this, as a friend doesn't have to be someone who is physically around, they just have to care. x

I think something that helped me, when we had to move miles away from our home town, was to say Yes to every invitation, no matter how weak or ghastly or “not our thing” it sounded. And also to put out invitations too. I invited all the female neighbours in my little block/court, over for supper, sent little cards with proper details on so there was no confusion and all but one person came, and it started friendships which have lasted to this day. Not everyone can reciprocate but <grannyvoice> “it’s nice to be asked”!

Thank you for saying this. I think I take after my own mum, she lived for my dad, her parents and me and my sister and hadn't really got friends either, but she did talk about her work colleagues too, maybe the way I am is more typical but only feels worse as I have no partner as well, my mum had my dad I guess.

Yes, I will adopt that rule, or try to, so tomorrow I will see if she wants to meet up and let you know how it goes x

Oh yes do report back!

I travel alone a lot...

Don't book package holidays as such just buy flights and accomadation seperate.

I use skyscanner to find a flight, and booking.com for the hotel.

When you arrive at the airport just use a taxi or public transport.

This is a great suggestion, I will try this too. Not in regard to men though, that door has firmly closed. I sometimes look at me ex and wonder how come he is so popular, I think its the football, but he has loads of friends he sees regularly, and he wasnt a nice man, I wont mention why, but his DC want nothing to do with him anymore. I just get confused when some people who arent particularly nice have lots of friends.

Its the transfer bit that scares me, if I was abroad and couldn't get a taxi, we nearly missed a flight once a couple of years ago just before COVID hit, I went to Tenerife with my DD and the transfer didn't arrive at our hotel and we couldn't get a taxi, eventually we made it just in time but it was easier being with my adult DD as I wasn't alone panicking if that makes sense. Can you recommend countries that are safer for lone females please.

How do you find the lone travel experience, do you stay alone or make friends along the way:?

There are travel firms which specialise in holidays for people travelling solo. Some of them are female only. There looked to be an interesting selection from a quick google!

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, some people are just naturally more introverted. It’s so much easier to just live in your own little comfort zone when you have a partner to meet all your social needs. Going out making new friends takes a lot of effort for introverts and if you’re satisfied with your life as it is then you’re not going to bother going to that effort are you. Then suddenly you don’t have a partner anymore and you realise how alone you are in the world. It’s completely normal for a lot of people!

It takes a bit of time to form a decent friendship in this situation, but luckily for you your colleagues and acquaintances sound like they’d love to become close if you let them in!

Thank you for caring, I will definitely report back. I am going to sleep a little less sad now, you have all cheered me up and made me feel like there is some hope.

Off to bed now, but will check in tomorrow to update x

I wasn’t suggesting at all about meeting men - all the friends I made were women but when I mentioned the “ghastly” invitations, the lady who made my curtains invited me to an open day that her church was doing, and despite not being at all religious I said yes, Thankyou, that would be nice etc. So I forced myself to pop along and mentally committed to 20 mins but then got there and got talking to a couple who were looking for volunteers for the local YMCA so I went along to that and ended up working there!

It was nice not to have to deliberate and weigh up decisions because I’d decided that the only way I was going to meet people was by literally meeting as many people as possible and that involved saying “yes” to everything!

I ended up at a few stultifyingly dull things too - a fundraiser tea party where everyone ignored the tea and got absolutely slaughtered mid afternoon, and were singing by about 4:30! I was driving and therefore stone cold sober and couldn’t get out fast enough! Hilarious though!

Oh yes, and a yoga/wellness demonstration at the community centre where the lady who was running it plainly hated the yoga instructor and they snipped at each other publicly! “Well JULIA, if you had been more organised JULIA, we could have all done this bit an hour ago!” then “Well PAMELA, as we are trying to calm our minds and focus this might be the moment to LET GO OF THE NEED TO CONTROL EVERYTHING PAMELA!” whilst we lay on the floor, silently crying with laughter!

I've been debating about starting a thread like this, you could be me!
I'm a bit younger, but only a few years and after some recent life traumas have realised that I have no friends. I do have a DH who does his best, but I have become more and more reliant on him; I have no independent life and have only recently realised this when I needed someone to talk to and realised I had no one to ring!
The thought of going out and joining something like the WI fills me with dread and fear, and yet how else does an adult meet and make friends? Everyone seems to get on with me (people at work, for example) have a laugh and offload to me but I never get invited to things or thought of when something happens. No one rings me, and no one messages. It's like I'm out of sight - out of mind.

None of that is any help to you, sorry, but just wanted to say that you're not alone in this.