How have I got to 57 and have no friends

[Jenasaurus]

I must be an awful person, the only people I have in my life are my 3 adult children and their partners. I have some good work relationships and am friendly and chatty when I meet people in a social environment but I literally have no one I can call up for a chat or go for a drink with.

I was with my DCs father for 28 years and when we split up realised I am totally alone, both my parents have passed away, my sister has moved to another town, I had 2 very dear friends when I was a teenager, one commited suicide last year and the other emigrated when she married at 19 to America.

I want to travel but I am scared of going by myself, although I will if I have too, my DC are my world and I know would go with me if I asked but they have their own lives to live. My mum was my best friend, for years we would go out to bridge together 3 times a week, my DD is my best friend too, but this is unhealthy. How do I change things, I literally haven't a clue how to make new friends, I come across as confident, but inside I am very insecure and its all a bit of a show.

I recently had a diagnosis of diabetes. I changed my life, lost nearly 4 stone and have given up smoking, I should be happy, thought I would be, but I am so lonely and fear retirement as my work interaction keeps me in touch with other people, as I say 2 of my colleagues I am very close too, one a similar age and I think she also has just her family as she holidays alone, but is always at her DDs house babysitting. I don't have grandchildren yet, maybe I will have more purpose then. The other lady is lovely, 10 years or so younger than me and a very interesting person, we clicked and get along really well, she is also a drummer in a band and does such fun things, she said she wants us to go out one night as she said she thought I would be good fun,, but she lives quite a distance from me and neither of us drive (we all work from home, so only speak on teams and a monthly face to face team meeting) - also I think its something she says without meaning, we can talk for hours and she does call me after work too but I dont know if she is just chatting to gossip about work things or if she actually likes my company.

I feel I don't really fit in, I think when I am out with my DC I forget my age and want to do 'young people' things like dance, etc.. And possibly embarrass my adult children who seem more mature than I am.

Does anyone else have no friends at a similar age, everyone else appears to have an abundance of friends on social media, I am feeling sad tonight, any tips what I can do to change my situation appreciated as now I have lost weight I want to go out again and have fun, but no one to have it with. I dont want another relationship with a man, I was with my DCs father from school for 28 years and then a second relationship with an emotionally abusive man for 7 years, I just want to go out to a concert, visit new places at the weekend and have fun and make a close friend.

Sorry if this depresses anyone, just all came to me tonight in quite painful waves of emotion and wanted to let it out and I have no one to tell as I dont want my DC to know I am feeling so low

One thing that jumps out at me is your letting distance rule your life OP.

I travel with my Son alone yearly because I don't want him to miss out because I have no partner. I too enjoy travelling and I shouldn't have to miss out either

How far are your sisters? The lady you speak to on teams how far are you?

You sound lovely, Op, you really do.

I hope that you have a great time with your friend from work.

Don't be afraid of lone travel, a lot of places are no more dangerous than here! These days you can look up details of public transport, restaurants, accommodation, events on, all on the web; download the local language into Google translate and download the local area map offline into Google maps and you're set!
Start off with Birmingham, move on to Scandinavia, the Netherlands and Switzerland, then on to France, Germany, Spain and work your way up and out as your confidence builds.

As a middle aged lady you're probably very safe - but, even if you stay in backpacker hostels to keep costs down, you won't be the oldest! Older women seeing the world are definitely A Thing.

What would you like to do, and set up ways of making it happen. In cities there's an app called meet up that could help, or try joining a club or two, volunteering, or even local Facebook group for your village/town can be useful, people post on ours they are new in town - suggest meeting up for a drink!

Proactively helps take the initiative with this other lady, you are far from alone! I personally don't know anyone other than dp close (have colleagues I suppose) where I live because I moved during covid - if you are near me I would certainly be up for a drink, meet up ... pretty sure many others are in this situation reading this ... Mumsnet should have a friendship board!

I don't have anything to add to PP aside from it sounds like you are a very lovely person.

I moved here from another country and find myself in a similar situation but am still in the manic working plus child raising years, masking the loneliness that I'm too busy to address.

How do people define friendships? Is it regular acquaintance and companionship? I do think distance does have some role as it can be hard. I've completely drifted from some extended family and uni/school friends due to distance as everyone settles into their local family/friends/work community. It is just difficult and becomes a once a year affair (recently had a once a decade reunion as 3 of us are in different countries...) Hence the suggestion is always local hobbies/clubs. While an emotional bond may take time I find these friendships, as well as work and school parents type friendships, are pretty transient.

@Jenasaurus that's good news 🙂
What area do you live? There may be people here who could meet up?

Yes op not easy at our age. Im finding friends have fizzled alot unless I do all the contacting .. so that gets draining. Met few through my walking. Prob 2 good friends thats it though. 50s too.

Thank you for all the lovely reassuring posts, I can see I am not alone with this. I can relate to the pp who said she was in an abusive marriage and didn't want her friends to be aware or involved in it. I had a similar thing, my DSIS said she couldn't see me with him as it was always so volatile, we argued a lot and I think it caused her anxiety. I am really close to her though, in that we still text and chat a lot, and yes, she isn't miles from me, about an hour on the train so I must also visit her. I miss the type of close friendship I had when I was younger, my lovely friend who sadly ended her life last year, was so funny and lovely, we were incredibly close for years and then drifted apart despite her living down the road from me, during Covid we didn't speak much, she doesn't have social media and not good at texting or calling, but that goes for me too and when I heard from her DS that she had taken her life, I felt instantly guilty as I would have been there for her whatever her problem. She had a cot death when she was 21 and as a single mum, she called me and I stayed with her that night, slept in her bed cuddling her, she was a wonderful woman and I miss her so much.

Sorry I need to be positive as there are real things I can and have done, I will let you know how the meal goes, my colleague has suggested I stay at hers so I don't have to get the last train home (last one goes at 11 then the next is 5am)

Blimey@Jenasaurus -a few yearsago I could have written this - except I'm still married- in same age group, friendly and sociable and work in a really interesting business- I know a lot of people but had no one I could just meet up with locally for a coffee or a chat. Anyway I had a bit of an epiphany at one point after I found out my H had been a bit shitty to be at one point and let me down and I decided to go to a couple of meet ups on my own when my H was away with work- not all were that great BUT at one I met 2 ladies I really clicked with and we have now been great friends for 6 years- it's made such a difference- they are both a lot younger than me but it doesn't matter. You don't need loads, an odd one or two good genuine ones does the trick in my opinion-. You sound lovely OP- if you live near Bath I would honestly say- come and meet for a coffee!! As I learnt it's like dates, you have to give a few things a try , and friendships can come from the most unlikely situations-

I'm 57, my friends range from 40 to 72 in age, I have 'acquired' them along the way. Sometimes people drift off and it can take a big effort to keep relationships going.

Going to meet your friend is a great start so we'll done.
Maybe look at companies like Exodus and Explore -who do groups holidays. You get a mix of singles, couples, friends travelling. On one trip I met two women friends who trained as teachers together. Once their kids had grown up they decided to go on holiday together once a year - the only time they spent together. I had a riot with 6 women I met on boat in Egypt. I'm still in touch with two women I met on a trip in Mali and travel to see them in Edinbugh regularly.. I did a lot of holidays with these companies, always found someone I got along with and still opportunities to do your own thing if you want to
I think safety when travelling is an interesting issue. I've travelled a lot, sometimes on my own, sometimes in groups and never felt unsafe as a woman. But then I do my research, pay attention to the local culture, and am very aware of scams
I don't agree with the person upthread who said that as a middle aged woman you are probably safer.
In many places men will see the older, less 'attractive", or overweight woman as an easy target because they assume you are desperate for male attention

The first.steps are always the hardest- think about what really interests you and go and do it. I wouldn't go and sit in a bar or club myself because that's not my thing but I have no problems going to gigs or the theatre on my own.

Jenasaurus, how are you doing now? Any reflections you'd like to share?

Thank you for asking, I am learning to enjoy my own company a little more, but find enjoyment on having chats with people I meet too, I don't feel so low anymore as realise I do have people that consider me friends but hadn't really realised at the time x