How have I got to 57 and have no friends

[Jenasaurus]

I must be an awful person, the only people I have in my life are my 3 adult children and their partners. I have some good work relationships and am friendly and chatty when I meet people in a social environment but I literally have no one I can call up for a chat or go for a drink with.

I was with my DCs father for 28 years and when we split up realised I am totally alone, both my parents have passed away, my sister has moved to another town, I had 2 very dear friends when I was a teenager, one commited suicide last year and the other emigrated when she married at 19 to America.

I want to travel but I am scared of going by myself, although I will if I have too, my DC are my world and I know would go with me if I asked but they have their own lives to live. My mum was my best friend, for years we would go out to bridge together 3 times a week, my DD is my best friend too, but this is unhealthy. How do I change things, I literally haven't a clue how to make new friends, I come across as confident, but inside I am very insecure and its all a bit of a show.

I recently had a diagnosis of diabetes. I changed my life, lost nearly 4 stone and have given up smoking, I should be happy, thought I would be, but I am so lonely and fear retirement as my work interaction keeps me in touch with other people, as I say 2 of my colleagues I am very close too, one a similar age and I think she also has just her family as she holidays alone, but is always at her DDs house babysitting. I don't have grandchildren yet, maybe I will have more purpose then. The other lady is lovely, 10 years or so younger than me and a very interesting person, we clicked and get along really well, she is also a drummer in a band and does such fun things, she said she wants us to go out one night as she said she thought I would be good fun,, but she lives quite a distance from me and neither of us drive (we all work from home, so only speak on teams and a monthly face to face team meeting) - also I think its something she says without meaning, we can talk for hours and she does call me after work too but I dont know if she is just chatting to gossip about work things or if she actually likes my company.

I feel I don't really fit in, I think when I am out with my DC I forget my age and want to do 'young people' things like dance, etc.. And possibly embarrass my adult children who seem more mature than I am.

Does anyone else have no friends at a similar age, everyone else appears to have an abundance of friends on social media, I am feeling sad tonight, any tips what I can do to change my situation appreciated as now I have lost weight I want to go out again and have fun, but no one to have it with. I dont want another relationship with a man, I was with my DCs father from school for 28 years and then a second relationship with an emotionally abusive man for 7 years, I just want to go out to a concert, visit new places at the weekend and have fun and make a close friend.

Sorry if this depresses anyone, just all came to me tonight in quite painful waves of emotion and wanted to let it out and I have no one to tell as I dont want my DC to know I am feeling so low

Well done! You’ve identified a problem, and started to come up with strategies to fix it. You’re already well on the way!!!

Youve got this. X x x

@Jenasaurus Loads of adults feel ''Lonely''.
So many so called friendships are superficial and travelling alone can be lonely, especially in the evening.
My brother travelled across America on his own, and said he was achingly lonely in the evenings, on his little table for one...I hated the eating thing, too, on my own, a right ''Johnny no mates!''..{At hotel}
However...Far better to travel alone than with someone who one argues with you :)

I feel your pain. I'm the same age as you and am very lonely. I moved back to my home town to care for my dad who had dementia and was going blind. He's since passed away and I've really struggled to make friends. Most pp are really busy with their own families and don't really have a lot of time for me. I've spent Xmas on my own since my dad died and this year I even went to a music festival in my own as I had no one to go with. I used to have loads of pp to do stuff with when I lived in London, but my life changed so drastically when I was a carer that it was hard to relate to them and I couldn't do the fun stuff I used to. Think I've given up a bit now tbh. Just wanted to let you know you weren't alone OP. X

Don't give up you will meet people . You've had some great suggestions here and they will work . One of my friends was in exactly your situation, her partner died and when her daughter left home she realised she was totally alone. She joined a local social group and was totally amazed how many people were in the same situation. Some were single , some were lonely within a marriage, some just wanted to expand their social circle , all manner of situations . Nowadays she is so busy with activities it's hard to pin down a date she's free to meet lol .

Hi there I’ve been on few cruises as a family and there have often been single travellers and the cruise staff have itinerary for singles meet ups, not for dating but companionship. Lots of activities to join in too and a very safe way to travel. If I were single and wanted to travel this would be my option. Good luck you sound lovely and great company!

I've never had a problem.. the beauty of smartphones now makes it easy to figure stuff out..

Uber for taxis, Google maps shows you bus stations and routes...

Maybe for you id suggest a european city visit where the airport is linked to the city by rail or subway.

For holidays, this kind of thing is fantastic www.facebook.com/416864948366872/posts/pfbid0mNNXy3ns8Qcv7ZhwktrB41ohtcnB7SgRdeBmXHWH1zpXAZVHtCBacvfq8M5Rsu3Nl/

OP I don’t really have any advice but I just wanted to say a couple of things. Firstly, you sound like a lovely person and I’m not just saying that. Secondly, it sounds like the colleague you speak to on the phone genuinely likes you and sees you as a friend. I have colleagues that I get on really well with at work but wouldn’t dream of calling them for a chat in the evenings. In order for me to do so I’d have to see them as more than just a work friend and I just don’t. You don’t do that unless you want to pursue a friendship outside of the workplace and it sounds like she does. I hope some of the comments on here have given you some reassurance. All the best

You sound lovely and in a great place to meet some friends. How about volunteering once a week locally to test the water?

I am 58 retired and have no friends. My family are everything to me, same as yourself OP and I am concerned the effect loosing my parents will have on me. Dad is 91, mum 86. A couple of years ago i went on a cruise on my own and it was fantastic. A lot of single people on cruises and I got on really well with another lady who sat at the same table in restaurant and we joined up for offshore trips.

I am lucky in that I have a granddaughter and I look after her 4 days a week, my relationship with my daughter is extremely close.

It seems wrong that I have no friends because it’s not the norm, however I really don’t feel the need to socialise. I am doing an Open University degree and have a very busy full life even though I am retired.

If I start to feel I need friends then I would probably do volunteer work to meet people, local hospice is always grateful for help.

I hope you find what you need, you are definitely not alone is being a no friends person .

If you have some spare cash, it might not hurt to do a bit of CBT or life coaching as someone up the thread has mentioned.

There is nothing wrong with you at all, but you might be holding yourself back from doing things. A little bit of life coaching could help you identify that and also build good habits for the future. We only get one life and it can be good to get a bit of insight on how best we can enjoy ourselves. I’d recommend it to anyone.

This podcast episode on making and keeping friends might be interesting to you; www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/robin-dunbar-372 Lots of tips in there including a big emphasis on the benefits volunteering.

Have you thought about joining a WI? I'm out at least once a week with mine and made loads of friends. Don't necessarily join your nearest as they are all different. Try a few out until you find the right one with the things that interest you. I'm 54 and and in mine we range from 20s to 70s. We do loads of different things (go to the pub, cinema, bowling, meals, crafts,walks to name but a few.)

I'm sorry to hear this.

i'm about to become a carer and it's partly because my friends disappeared over lockdown.

OP joining something regular is a good idea. I tend to think it's easier on your age group as I'm in my 40s and many people who might have wanted friendships are busy with kids etc. Hope you find something you like.

OP you sound quite preoccupied with what people think of you. I think you need to stop caring a bit and throw caution to the wind.

Have you ever read 'feel the fear and do it anyway'? It explains how we can get trapped by worrying about every possible eventuality, which becomes really debilitating as it stops you from every doing anything.

New friends won't come knocking at your door. The more you get out, meet people and gain confidence, the easier it will be.

Hey OP, how you doing? X

This is SUCH good advice.

On so many threads where people talk about being lonely or about having no friends, (this one aside it seems ) lots of posters make suggestions, and the OP closes so many of them down with their reasons why they couldn't possibly do that.

The other thing seems to be a false expectations about how friendships are made, and a lot of posters have hopes of "making friends" when they first meet people rather than just going out and about, generally being friendly, and then looking back over time and realising that this person or that has become a good friend over time.
In a later post (can't quote 2 posts at once) someone said how they made themselves go to something they thought they wouldn't enjoy, but ended up chatting to someone which led to further opportunities.
I think making friends is a sort of numbers game - you need to mingle with lots of people to (statistically) bump in to the odd one or two with whom longer, or deeper friendships might develop. But you never know where you might meet them.

Omg that's so funny!

You do sound lovely OP good luck xx

You sound like me, OP.

For the last 30 years I've been working my socks off, in my case an international job, plus buying and renovating a house, then raising ds. When I split from my ex ds was 3 and it took every bit of time to keep working full time, organise wrap around care, cover all the bills, play with ds.

Now he's a teenager, I'm approaching retirement and I don't have any close friends who I would bother with my troubles. Like you I have lovely colleagues and acquaintances but.......

I don't think that is unusual at all. Perhaps the best bit about retirement is we will finally have time to invest in friendships.

Are you or any of you struggling to find friends in Facebook? If you search women's social groups you may find some close by? I agree with the WI being good.

Have you been on a coach trip? Even trying an overnight one may be good? People are so friendly on them. Also cruises. They have singles tables for meals but not for dating. But you can join a bigger table as a single AFAIK?

There's a few walking groups near me and well being groups. There's theatre meet ups too. Check your local theatre they may have one?

Thanks for all the tips and apologies for taking so long to update, I have arranged to meet my colleague in her home town for a Christmas meal and drinks, so I am hopeful a proper friendship can be formed. I read back her messages and realize she actually was as keen as me to meet up after work, things like, I am logging off now but if you need me send me a WhatsApp and we can have a chat.

Why not do some organised travel? There's lots to suit every temperament, and it'd be a lovely way to meet people while also not feeling like you're traveling solo. Maybe small group tours or similar? Or some of the smaller European river cruises?

It doesn't mean you're an awful person. I think it's more common than you think, but concealed, going by the number of threads here.

It happen in a number of different ways, like a friend of mine who was in an abusive marriage for years and didn't want friends in that situation.

I'd recommend a hobby or exercise class you're interested in. Don't put pressure on yourself by setting out with making friends being the purpose, and if you don't it will improve your general confidence and add to the number of social contacts and acquaintances. I'm always turning down invitations at classes so I'd imagine that's a good way to build a social life.

There are loads of singles groups you can join for holidays. I have DH but I am going on holiday next year on my own (in a group but not with anyone I know) because DH has no interest in where I want to travel to.

I agree with PPs that you sound like a really nice person and your work colleagues probably do enjoy your company. Could you meet in some central place that's easy for you all to gety to for a night out?

Are you in or near a city or town that has interesting things going on - join a choirm running clubm, am dram group, writing or art or craft class - there's so many interest based things that can lead to friendship, given time.

I've not quite got to 57 but also have no friends. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have friends, but then I remember I'm far too busy / lazy (depending on the time of day) for them!