Bilingual House

[LanguageDilemma]

If you have a house where one parent speaks English only, and the other parent speaks both fluent English and is first language in another language, how do you use them round the house?

If the English only parent is in the room, does the other parent switch to English, or does that parent refuse to use any language other than their first language, even though this means the English parent frequently feels isolated within their own house?

Have you spoken to your partner about how it makes u feel isolated. I actively encourage my husband not to speak English and this means that I'm learning his first language as are our children

DS and DIL have a household like this and have tried having days where they use only one of the languages.
This was mainly to help DS, who found it difficult to learn it, but is living in DIL's country, so needs to become reasonably fluent.
But they found it more natural to repeat things in both languages.
The DC are happily bilingual.

Yes. He said he absolutely will never use English and it's my problem to deal with.

I feel excluded from every conversation that doesn't involve me directly, I even had to beg him to use English if we were playing family board games which he did reluctantly concede but doesn't stick to.

We are in England, the children understand him but respond in English.

Ate you in the U.K.?

If so and he’s refusing to use English then he’s a nob.

I know the basics and can follow everyday conversations, but if he speeds up or is discussing something that is unfamiliar then I can't follow it. For example if he's cross with one of the children, I can't understand what is going on unless I can pick it up from their responses

He's being unreasonable in that case. Feels like there's possibly bigger issues between you two then?!

why not just learn the language?

He isn't for using it with the children when I'm not around or needing to be involved, but he will never switch. Even at the dinner table, even at Christmas dinner - never.

We often have his parents for Christmas dinner who are both first language <other language> so often at Christmas I sit there only able to catch snippets of what is going on as they follow his lead

That could take some time and she still might not be fluent enough for his local dialect.

I have learnt the basics, but he refuses to teach me, because he'll never translate what he says.

I stand by what I said. He’s a nob and so are his parents.

I speak English to DC, me and DH speak English, but he only speaks his language to the dc. I made a real effort to learn the language, I understand most of it but ask if I'm in doubt. If I married someone who couldn't speak English there is no way use a different language and compromise my dc's language acquisition.
So sorry OP, it kind of is your problem. You must have had quite a while to pick it up?

There are other issues, but this is the one that makes me hate being at home and anxious when I know he's on his way back from work. He'll come in and immediately start telling the children to do stuff and unless I can catch the first part of the sentence I often can't get the second half - and he does go really quickly. And then I only have tone of voice to go one, and whatever I can pick up from the children's responses and it's really hard to work out what is going on

Just read your update, that's very rude of the family to purposely exclude you.

I have tried and tried over the years to pick it up, but even with the skills I have, once he gets quick and turns his back and I miss bits, I then lose the thread of it. He won't repeat stuff in English so I've got no chance to try and learn by osmosis.

Before we had kids, we went to visit family where he comes from. I spent 48 hours unable to understand anything as we were very new relationship, and he refused to speak any English. Should have read the signs then, I guess.

What language is it? I might have contacts I can tap into to help you become more fluent?

Hi I have sent a PM - thank you

I've been in your situation.
I can understand your husband wanting your children to be bilingual, and I don't think they will be if he has to switch to English whenever they're in the room. Tbh I think if you're that bothered, you should make more of an effort to learn the language. It will benefit your children.

He sounds like a nob from your extra info, but from your first post I'd have said it depends on context. I am the dual language speaker in our house. For family conversation we use English, so like over dinner, but if I'm talking directly to the children even in that context I use my language, for example asking them if they want a drink. During a board game, I might use my language to get the kids' attention e.g. it's your turn now! So simple stock phrases that DH has come to understand too. But context and intent is so important! If DH would be interested or if it's useful to know, I use English or repeat in English. Can you discuss with him moving to that sort of model, where he uses language to include not exclude?

Is he from Bangladesh?
I ask because I used to live next door to a Bangladeshi couple. Arranged marriage and she was born here and he wasn’t.

He can speak English perfectly well as he is an accountant. She is a stay at home mother and once he got home he would only speak in his dialect.

I saw her mental health decline over time and she would be in her pyjamas during the day time and constantly be in a state of panic over making sure the house was clean and tidy for when he came home.

His parents and other family members would come to stay and none of hem spoke any English.

She told me that when she visited them that she was just sat there not understanding what anyone was saying.

She felt very isolated and struggles to learn the language in full.

She had a breakdown before we moved and his parents and an uncle moved in permanently and the two boys whilst previously speaking in English to me were told off and had to speak to me in Bangladeshi which was utterly ridiculous.

Don’t let your husband and his family turn your children against a you as my old neighbour did you his wife.

She’s basically the cook and cleaner of the house whilst they all jibber jabber away in their own language.

We are a similarish household, my husband both have English as a second language.

I only speak to our children in Urdu, he uses a mix of English and Swedish (but mainly Swedish) with my son, he speaks exclusively to our daughter in Swedish.

We generally speak to each other in English, sometimes we’ll speak to each other in our first language as we are both learning each others just from hearing it day to day. My Swedish is much better than his Urdu though. If his family visit the conversation is only in Swedish, if certain members of my family visit we generally only speak Urdu.

Any chance he was trying to teach the children his native language? Children have an English environment most of the time (school) and creating an immersive language environment at home is the best way to learn a new language. We purposely speak one language (not English) at home to help my kid to be bilingual. I believe being bilingual help her English/literacy as well - significantly above her age expectations (particularly in reading and comprehension).

Research shows that learning a second language at an early age boosts problem-solving, critical-thinking, and listening skills, in addition to improving memory, concentration, and the ability to multitask. However, I know many kids with foreign parent(s) struggle to speak a second language because of English only at home.

This is interesting. So he doesn't even try to explain to you what they are talking about in his native language when you visited his family? If so then yes this is plain rude and he is a jerk. He can be as dishonest to you as he wants. I think this is not just a bilingual issue, this is a trust issue. My partner and I come from different background and English is common language. Whenever we see families, we always explain to the other what the families are talking about. Hope something will work out for you but you need to explain to him that this is not acceptable.

OP, it’s understandable that this is unpleasant for you, but the solution needs to be you improve your fluency in the other language rather than reducing the amount of time your children hear their father’s first language.
Partners generally make shit teachers. Can you find someone else to give you lessons?