Bilingual House

[LanguageDilemma]

If you have a house where one parent speaks English only, and the other parent speaks both fluent English and is first language in another language, how do you use them round the house?

If the English only parent is in the room, does the other parent switch to English, or does that parent refuse to use any language other than their first language, even though this means the English parent frequently feels isolated within their own house?

most dual language families i know do OPOL, and the ones where both parents speak the same language, that isn't the local one, do ML@home (minority language at home). I know some families where the parents speak differnt languages and the country where they live has a 3rd one.

None of the families i know have any huge issues of the ones you're describing, OP, and i suspect that your DH is a bully rather than an OPOL fanatic. The fact that the children answer in English is telling. Mine went through a phase of only using the local language with me, but as it's my 2nd language i've only ever used English with them unless other children /non-English speakers are here. Most people get used to having to translate things now and again, which is another reason i think your DH is more of a bully than really keen on bilingualism in the DCs.

Surrounded in your own home by people who can, but won't/don't speak English to you? A whole family of bullies. Can you leave them to it and visit other family when they come?

My brother and SIL are a bilingual household. DB speaks in English, SIL speaks only in French to my niece. My brother has spent a lot of time learning the language and mostly understands what is being said. But even if he hadn't, he wants her spoken to in only French by mum so that she grows up understanding the language. He doesn't want her to be limited by his feelings.

My husband speaks another language, but was brought up bilingual english and that other language. We agreed he would speak to the kids as much as possible in his other language to support them in learning it too. His sister also speaks the same language to them. When I am in the room they switch to English, or repeat things for my benefit, because they know I'm not fluent and that it would be rude to exclude me. DH also teaches me phrases as we go along, and I generally understand what he's saying and pitch in in his language where I can. He would never ever expect me to learn on my own, and he will always translate something if I ask him to.

He does however say that it's mentally exhausting to switch constantly between 2 languages, so I am doing my best to pick it up myself. It's not easy along with having 2 kids and a job etc to find the time though.

IMO your DH is being bloody rude to deliberately exclude you from discussions, and to allow his family to do the same. I think you have bigger problems than just understanding what he says, it seems to me he doesn't respect you at all.

We are a trilingual household but English is our main language because me & DH wouldn't be able to communicate otherwise. However, I do talk in my native language to my kids and always encourage DH to do the same in his language because English they have no choice in learning but if they can pick a second or third Lang it's just a bonus.

I'm not English, but my husband is. I speak English fluently and he, along with the children speak my language fluently, so we tend to speak both.
That said, I always speak English while with his family and friends and he and the kids always speak in my mother tongue when with my family and friends.
I think it's rude not to at least attempt to speak your host language, even if you're rubbish at it.

It pretty much just sounds like a he’s not very nice to you.

Is he ever?

This is the same as our family

If you're living in England it can be hard to ensure dc hear enough of the minority language to be fluent so I don't think it's necessarily a problem him speaking it as much as possible. The weird thing is he seems to expect you to understand? There's got to be some middle ground either you're completely excluded from the conversation or someone translates for you / they do it in English.

HI.
Firstly, I'm really sorry this is happening, it sounds like a stressful situation. We are a bilingual family, I am the minority language speaker but both my DH and I speak each other's language.
I would be interested to know what language it is. It can be very scary for a parent to think that they aren´t passing on their culture/language, however, this situation sounds counterproductive as language learning should be all about communication, and if you are cut out of this it is not helping either you or your husband in his goals (assuming they are for his children to speak his heritage language). Do you spend time with other families who speak his language, maybe talking with them (with him present) about how they do it? Is there anyone he respects as a friend who could model/give some advice on how to transfer a language?
Pointing out that if the environment is stressful for you, the kids will pick up on this and it could create resistance.
Regards you learning the language, it may be helpful to look for classes online or in college rather than rely on him. I tried to learn from my partner at first and failed miserably, in the end, a course, lots of books, and, patience got me there.
I hope you find a solution.

We are a bilingual household and both have learnt each others language.
The one parent one language model is the one most likely to gift your children the ability to grow up bilingual. It sounds as though you want your language to dominate and that probably feels tough. And if your children are picking up on your antipathy for the other language it might damage their relationship with it.
If you think you married an unempathetic arse, that's a separate discussion/issue and you have all my sympathy - but for your DC, try and keep their languages out of it.