Bilingual House

[LanguageDilemma]

If you have a house where one parent speaks English only, and the other parent speaks both fluent English and is first language in another language, how do you use them round the house?

If the English only parent is in the room, does the other parent switch to English, or does that parent refuse to use any language other than their first language, even though this means the English parent frequently feels isolated within their own house?

Bilingual families tend to try and use OPOL, one parent one language. If he speaks English to you then the kids will be weaker in his language, I see it all the time. That might matter a great deal to him. I agree that if you've been together for a while and knew kids were in the picture, the onus is on you to make an effort to learn some of his language.

ALso, YABU to expect him to speak a second language with his parents. It feels very weird and stilted to use a second language with family you've always spoken in your first language to.

This sounds awful. I know plenty of people in bilingual households and I didn’t think it’s a problem about that. He sounds like he’s deliberating excluding you.
Surely any decent person would be happy to compromise if their spouse told them how badly their behaviour made them feel?

He will speak English if addressing me directly. But no other time in the house, even if I'm part of a discussion with the children. So if we are having a discussion with all 5 of us, I struggle and am always playing catch up. I then have to keep asking what has been said, what they are agreeing, what's going on. And then I get shouted at for not understanding and told that he won't translate.

AIBU to expect to enjoy Christmas? I end up spending it with 7 people who all speak another language that I don't, and understanding nothing.

You say he won't tell you what what he is saying means. If you ask him how to say certain phrases in his language, will he tell you?

I think it is unreasonable to expect your inlaws to switch to their less than fluent second language between themselves to accommodate you, yes, I'm afraid. I say that as someone in a bilingual relationship whose DH's second language has improved hugely over exposure during family visits. I do think your husband could accommodate you more by slowing down and translating snippets for you and your ILs could attempt to converse with you in English, but learning and speaking a second language is just as likely hard work for them as it is for you.

It’s tough for the excluded parent. That’s me.
when we lived overseas I asked that English become the language at home to help DS become bilingual.
Now we’re in the UK, I’d like DS to continue with his bilingualism. As a result, I feel excluded at times but DS is growing up bilingual. He instigated discussions in his other language with OH.
But that’s our household and although I’d rather be included more through using English, I can see the value for DS. He can also talk to all in-laws, which is important for all sorts of reasons.
We know lots of kids in similar situations that are growing up monolingual in families that use English more at home. Different families- different priorities.

My in-laws are bilingual as well, have lived in England for 40 years and my MIL taught primary school here for 25 years. They are not going to struggle to switch to English on occasion

They had a single language household, so DH spoke only one language at home, but then went to school in English

Still feels weird and stilted switching languages when your family relationship has always been in one rather than the other, no matter how fluent you are. And the OPOL principle is important in developing and maintaining bilingualism.

How would they react if you asked them to slow down so you can follow more?

and actually if you're properly bilingual then you might intend to speak language A and not even realise you've slipped into language B in which you usually conduct family relationships.

I speak English and OH speaks the local language, he talks to me in English but continues talking to the children in the local language when we're all talking together, mostly.

You said the children understand him but respond in English, so he is actually the only one in the house speaking his native language, right?. I know from friends that it is actually really tough and they feel isolated and upset their children are not sharing their heritage fully.

I'm not saying he couldn't be more helpful in teaching you, but it sounds like you are not acknowledging the hurt he might be feeling too. And if he starts translating everything into English, this will further impact the children's ability to speak and understand fluently, they will just get lazy as the know it will be translated for mum. Do they learn his language at school or is the home/larger family the only place they hear it?

Bigger issues in the marriage aside, you need to learn the language, OP. It is very hard to maintain bilingualism in children once they start to be educated fully in one language only and although I don't like the sound of your DH's attitude I do understand his insistence on maintaining the language immersion at home.

I just worry that he's shouting at the kids, one of them is very anxious and is often worse after, and I can't mitigate or try and reason with him as he won't tell me what he's said and says it's my problem and not to interfere

Are you willing to state the language, OP? Some of us might be able to point you in the direction of help.

And then there's so much conflict and cross words and I can't follow them at all. Even if I had years of lessons, I wouldn't be good enough to follow a full on shouting match at speed

He is abusing you and the children. It's not a language issue, although he is using it as part of his abuse and control.

Please talk to someone about the abuse - call the national helpline on 08082000247, look up your local Women's Aid (or equivalent) at www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/, and/or talk to your GP.

If you're not sure whether it's really abuse, here are some links to read:
www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles
www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/warning_signs.html

Shouting at the kids and making them anxious is a different matter to normal "shoes on now" parental chitchat you can't understand. Is there a local community in his language? Maybe try and talk to other local people in the same community?

If the children are not responding to him in his language, he could well be upset that they are not becoming active bilinguals, which is a hard thing to achieve and takes a lot of dedication and consistency, but brings a huge amount of benefits beyond just having a passive understanding of a language. It sounds like he is trying to give them that consistency. It is not in your children's best interests at all for him to sometimes speak English to them and you should be able to understand that he puts their interests above yours.

I do sympathise, but as an adult you have to take responsibility for your own language learning. It's not his job to teach you.

"as an adult you have to take responsibility for your own language learning. It's not his job to teach you."

Oh don't be ridiculous. DH and I are both bilingual now and we both spoke each other's language before we met, but we have certainly helped each other to learn over the years, since we are, you know, married.

God knows how either of us would find the time for intensive language lessons since we've had children. And it sounds as if OP's husband speaks a relatively rare language/dialect that she couldn't easily learn without his help, anyway.

Language not particularly rare, but from what I have learnt so far, there is quite a strong dialectal component to his version. The app work and book work I've done has differences to the words /structure I've picked up already

A few questions here and there about specific words, phrases or grammar issues, sure. But not relying on your partner to be your main language tutor. Teaching is a skill that not everyone has. The teacher-student relationship is also very different to the relationship between life partners and trying to combine the two can cause a lot of strain. Many people have neither the inclination or the ability to be their partner's teacher, for any skill, not just language skills. It is perfectly reasonable.

In our bilingual household, both us parents are L2 speakers of the other's second language. He is stronger in my language than I am in his, but we can have easy natural bilingual conversations as a family where the kids switch between and everyone understands what is going on. Our children can speak to both of us very well in our languages. Because I am confident that my children are well established as active bilinguals, I will sometimes speak my partner's language to them for reasons of social ease. If there was any doubt there, if my children did not speak my language to me or were weak / lacking confidence in my language there is not a chance in hell I'd be speaking any language to them but my own. It is extremely important to me that I can have a relationship with my own children in my own native language. I think that's probably the norm.

Sorry, muddled that up a bit with editing. We are both L2 speakers of the other's native language.