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Original poster

My child is hurting and I can't make it better

62 replies

WhenIcantmakeitbetter · 20/11/2022 22:57

No one warns you when you have kids, that it gets harder when they grow up, do they?
My lovely child's marriage partner has , after several years, walked out. Just said they didn't want to be there any more. For context my child has been the sole earner, partner not worked at all during or before their marriage due to anxiety. No children thank fully. My child bought the house, pays the mortgage and all bills etc . Works in a career that isn't particularly family friendly (they usually marry others in the same career tbh) but the stay at home partner wanted it that way. Til a few months ago when partner suddenly appeared to overcome their anxiety , started going out, partying and appears to be having a relationship.. emotional if not yet physical.
My child is devastated and bewildered, because there were no signs anything was wrong and they were happy that their partner was getting out and having fun.

(ex) partner is legally able to claim half of everything of course. Which is the law. Child is beyond terrified that they are going to lose their home, is in the middle of studying for exams that they have to pass, still loves the ex deeply, and their life has literally turned upside down overnight.

I'm also a long distance away :( working, and caring for several people so can't just be there, but am on the phone several times a day trying to support, trying to prop up my sobbing devastated child.

It just hurts so much. I can't FIX this for them.

A small part of me knows that in the end this will be better. Several of my adult kids are married and their partners have blended into our family so easily and our extended families are very fond of each other. This partner actively restricted our child from visiting or seeing us (we aren't in each others pockets, but a few times a year!) All put down to anxiety but I have always felt a little uneasy about it.
But my feelings are irrelevant about that.

I just want to know, HOW I can best help my child pick themselves up, carry on, and how to get the best legal advice. They are continuing to fund the ex (as presumably the courts would order this as ex has no job and probably no intention of supporting themselves... they've gone back home to parents)

I want to scream and rage because it's so unfair. I don't because I have to be adult. But my child is a good person.. truly. Spends their days helping others, and has always supported the ex with all their heart.

It just hurts :(
(name changed and vague pronouns as I've been here forever)

OP posts:
SNWannabe · 20/11/2022 22:59

It is hard... you're doing everything you can. Hugs for you.

badassbaby · 20/11/2022 23:02

WhenIcantmakeitbetter · 20/11/2022 22:57

No one warns you when you have kids, that it gets harder when they grow up, do they?
My lovely child's marriage partner has , after several years, walked out. Just said they didn't want to be there any more. For context my child has been the sole earner, partner not worked at all during or before their marriage due to anxiety. No children thank fully. My child bought the house, pays the mortgage and all bills etc . Works in a career that isn't particularly family friendly (they usually marry others in the same career tbh) but the stay at home partner wanted it that way. Til a few months ago when partner suddenly appeared to overcome their anxiety , started going out, partying and appears to be having a relationship.. emotional if not yet physical.
My child is devastated and bewildered, because there were no signs anything was wrong and they were happy that their partner was getting out and having fun.

(ex) partner is legally able to claim half of everything of course. Which is the law. Child is beyond terrified that they are going to lose their home, is in the middle of studying for exams that they have to pass, still loves the ex deeply, and their life has literally turned upside down overnight.

I'm also a long distance away :( working, and caring for several people so can't just be there, but am on the phone several times a day trying to support, trying to prop up my sobbing devastated child.

It just hurts so much. I can't FIX this for them.

A small part of me knows that in the end this will be better. Several of my adult kids are married and their partners have blended into our family so easily and our extended families are very fond of each other. This partner actively restricted our child from visiting or seeing us (we aren't in each others pockets, but a few times a year!) All put down to anxiety but I have always felt a little uneasy about it.
But my feelings are irrelevant about that.

I just want to know, HOW I can best help my child pick themselves up, carry on, and how to get the best legal advice. They are continuing to fund the ex (as presumably the courts would order this as ex has no job and probably no intention of supporting themselves... they've gone back home to parents)

I want to scream and rage because it's so unfair. I don't because I have to be adult. But my child is a good person.. truly. Spends their days helping others, and has always supported the ex with all their heart.

It just hurts :(
(name changed and vague pronouns as I've been here forever)

Oh god that sounds so hard.
My dd is nearly 18 and I'm dreading anyone hurting her in the future.
But you sound absolutely lovely and she has you always x
Sending love from one mum to another x

SchrodingersKettle · 20/11/2022 23:03

Just listen and be there for your child.

Don't, whatever you do, go down the path of "there was always something about your dp i didn't like..." Share those thoughts with MN by all means but of course bite your tongue with your dc.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
bloodywhitecat · 20/11/2022 23:04

All you can do is listen and be there whenever they need you but you are right, parenting adult kids sucks at times. You are doing OK.

Fireflygal · 20/11/2022 23:07

How long were they married? It isn't always 50/50 if no children & short marriage.

They don't need to fund a partner now who has moved out and is capable of getting a job.

gobbynorthernbird · 20/11/2022 23:07

Your DC needs legal advice ASAP. Don't let them end up in a position where they give the ex more than they are legally obliged to (its not my area of expertise, but I understand that spousal support orders are rare).

And I'm sorry. This must be really hard for you all.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 20/11/2022 23:09

I get you may want to protect self but reading "child" does somewhat infantalise your adult son or daughter. You can name change i think.
You can't protect grown adults from experiencing all that life throws at us ... all you can do is be there, not overprotect but support. And get them to seek Legal advice very quickly.
Is there a,pattern of looking after others that might be usefully looked at at some point ?

Escapetothecountryplease · 20/11/2022 23:59

I agree with whoever it was said up thread that absolutely absolutely do not start bad mouthing the ex.
I've gone through a break up recently and my parents came over to help with setting up a new house which was fantastic. They are definitely not as emotionally literate as you are and struggle to talk about any of it at all. The only time that we did have a conversation it did turn into ' well I always thought he wouldn't make anything of himself blah blah blah' there were also mental health problems at play in my relationship. When they started saying this and I still very much loved him. Even though I was leaving him I was furious and at that point I think probably shut down talking to them about anything further.
All I really wanted was to be asked sensitive questions and not have other people's opinions pushed on me. Also, I would say let her lead on her decisions. She's an adult and it's a huge thing to go through so let her do it her own way. I reckon you probably know this already though ... Just something that also came up through my own experience!!

It sounds like her relationship has been difficult for a long time. I hope that she ends up feeling the relief that I do now that I'm no longer carrying the load of somebody else's problems.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 21/11/2022 00:05

@Toohardtofindaproperusername

Its not infantilising- it is a fact that this person is her child.

LemonSwan · 21/11/2022 00:05

Stop funding them and get a shit hot lawyer. Stay at home partner. Never heard of such a thing. Stay at home parent yes but that’s not this. If a short marriage and no kids I doubt there will be a spousal support or she might not lose half the house.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/11/2022 00:11

The day this abusive, controlling, feckless cocklodger left your daughter was the best day of her life, and I would tell her so. He has done her the biggest favour of her life.

watcherintherye · 21/11/2022 00:11

I’m sorry. It’s shit when they get hurt. Flowers

spuddel · 21/11/2022 00:13

How do you know the ex is a male?

YesILikeItToo · 21/11/2022 00:16

I agree do not bad mouth partner ESPECIALLY if you weren’t sure about them.

Supporting child means cheerleading and telling them they’re doing great.

If you feel uncertain, check out that graphic about circles of people in a crisis and how you should only ever ‘dump out’ and never ‘dump in.’ I would have said it was common sense, but my mum dumps in a lot and I resent it bitterly.

Flowersinspringgrowwild · 21/11/2022 00:39

Continuing to fund the ex? Get to a smart family solicitor, now. Put your emotion into that OP.

Skyway · 21/11/2022 00:55

i'm guessing this is your son, doctor maybe ?

Did she feel neglected at all, with his demanding career. Maybe she still does love him, time will tell but if they do split, she may not get 5/50 as a pp suggested, also they should not be funding them anymore at this point.

All I can say is just be there for them, heartbreak is a lonely journey, but try not to get involved with opinions as they may get back together.

So difficult seeing your own child in pain.
Flowers

snowshoehare · 21/11/2022 01:27

I'd get legal advice. I don't think she has to support a person who has left her and decamped to his parents. Not my area either but she should get clarified on the point.

thelobsterquadrille · 21/11/2022 06:46

Aquamarine1029 · 21/11/2022 00:11

The day this abusive, controlling, feckless cocklodger left your daughter was the best day of her life, and I would tell her so. He has done her the biggest favour of her life.

How do you know she's female and the ex is a male?

Doingmybest12 · 21/11/2022 07:20

What is the saying? You are only as happy as your least happy child.
I don't want to sound glib and it is awful her world has been rocked but it sounds like she is likely to have a happier life in the future, in the end. You can only be there and listen when she needs you to. It is so hard when we can't protect them from life like when they are tiny.

smileandsing · 21/11/2022 07:37

Skyway don't be ridiculous! The ex was more than happy to live off their spouse using 'anxiety' as an excuse until they got bored of that life. Doesn't matter the genders or the job role (many jobs involve antisocial hours).

OP this will be for the best in the long run, but you know that. All you can do is be there to support your DC emotionally. Make sure they get a decent solicitor and don't get taken for anymore of a ride than they already have been.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/11/2022 07:47

in the U.K. I don’t think it’s a given it’s 50/50 especially with no contribution or children.

PurplePeach62 · 21/11/2022 07:55

I totally understand how you're feeling as we've been there. My dd and ex were together 5 years before they got married. Two years in it turns out he was living a double life seeing another woman with a child. None of us had any idea and my dd was completely broken and devastated.
This was March 2020. No children involved thank goodness.
Between family and friends we almost physically nursed her so she could function again. She moved in with us for a while during lockdown which helped. The house sold quickly too which was a good thing.
She was furloughed so to keep going she went on long long walks to help her sleep, she read a lot of self help books and did jigsaws. She also saw a therapist for a short time who recommended podcasts which helped her. She lost so much weight she was skin and bones.
Two years on she's the strongest and happiest she's ever been, met someone new who adores her . She looks and feels beautiful again.
It's a tough time OP and I often thought we would never get through it - her depression and sadness was ours as well.
I promise you it will get better and your child will be happy again. Wishing you all the very best.

badassbaby · 21/11/2022 08:03

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 20/11/2022 23:09

I get you may want to protect self but reading "child" does somewhat infantalise your adult son or daughter. You can name change i think.
You can't protect grown adults from experiencing all that life throws at us ... all you can do is be there, not overprotect but support. And get them to seek Legal advice very quickly.
Is there a,pattern of looking after others that might be usefully looked at at some point ?

Are you for real?
She IS her child and of course she's worried to bits about her
Do you actually have children?

MichelleScarn · 21/11/2022 08:05

Skyway · 21/11/2022 00:55

i'm guessing this is your son, doctor maybe ?

Did she feel neglected at all, with his demanding career. Maybe she still does love him, time will tell but if they do split, she may not get 5/50 as a pp suggested, also they should not be funding them anymore at this point.

All I can say is just be there for them, heartbreak is a lonely journey, but try not to get involved with opinions as they may get back together.

So difficult seeing your own child in pain.
Flowers

Interesting most posts thinking ex is male and he's a cocklodger...(male or female they're a lazy wastrel) and this post where ex is female is STILL a male's fault as the poor wee lamb who can't work but can party is only like that as they've been 'neglected'....

RampantIvy · 21/11/2022 08:11

It's so difficult when your offspring are unhappy. When DD's boyfriend dumped her she was inconsolable to start with, but eventualy got over it. She now has someone else in her life who makes her happy.

I used to think that once your DC grow up that you can stop worrying about them, but you don't.

When you read posts from other posters on MN who say they are over 18 and an adult and let them get on woth it I think they must be from parents of small children or parents whose DC have never given them cause for concern.

@WhenIcantmakeitbetter all you can do is be a shoulder to cry on, don't diss the ex and advise them to seek legal advice.