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Original poster

My child is hurting and I can't make it better

62 replies

WhenIcantmakeitbetter · 20/11/2022 22:57

No one warns you when you have kids, that it gets harder when they grow up, do they?
My lovely child's marriage partner has , after several years, walked out. Just said they didn't want to be there any more. For context my child has been the sole earner, partner not worked at all during or before their marriage due to anxiety. No children thank fully. My child bought the house, pays the mortgage and all bills etc . Works in a career that isn't particularly family friendly (they usually marry others in the same career tbh) but the stay at home partner wanted it that way. Til a few months ago when partner suddenly appeared to overcome their anxiety , started going out, partying and appears to be having a relationship.. emotional if not yet physical.
My child is devastated and bewildered, because there were no signs anything was wrong and they were happy that their partner was getting out and having fun.

(ex) partner is legally able to claim half of everything of course. Which is the law. Child is beyond terrified that they are going to lose their home, is in the middle of studying for exams that they have to pass, still loves the ex deeply, and their life has literally turned upside down overnight.

I'm also a long distance away :( working, and caring for several people so can't just be there, but am on the phone several times a day trying to support, trying to prop up my sobbing devastated child.

It just hurts so much. I can't FIX this for them.

A small part of me knows that in the end this will be better. Several of my adult kids are married and their partners have blended into our family so easily and our extended families are very fond of each other. This partner actively restricted our child from visiting or seeing us (we aren't in each others pockets, but a few times a year!) All put down to anxiety but I have always felt a little uneasy about it.
But my feelings are irrelevant about that.

I just want to know, HOW I can best help my child pick themselves up, carry on, and how to get the best legal advice. They are continuing to fund the ex (as presumably the courts would order this as ex has no job and probably no intention of supporting themselves... they've gone back home to parents)

I want to scream and rage because it's so unfair. I don't because I have to be adult. But my child is a good person.. truly. Spends their days helping others, and has always supported the ex with all their heart.

It just hurts :(
(name changed and vague pronouns as I've been here forever)

OP posts:

AnneElliott · 21/11/2022 08:48

I'm not sure there's a need to financially support a spouse that's moved out and decided they're leaving? Obviously there's a need to split assets but even so not sure that 50/50 is the expected outcome if it's a short marriage, no kids and one of them paid for all of the assets!

Definitely get legal advice on that.

ShimmeringShirts · 21/11/2022 08:54

Your child doesn’t need to keep funding their ex, not unless the court orders it. I’d tell the ex to grow up and get a job, their cocklodger status is revoked (ex was still a cocklodger whether they’re male or female btw.)

ChessieDarling · 21/11/2022 08:54

Sounds tough. Obviously legal advice (really good legal advice for that matter) is the first step but I can’t think why your son would need to carry on financially supporting his ex if she’s chosen to leave him and is now, it would seem, being supported by her family instead.
If a short marriage, it may not be 50/50…

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/11/2022 09:10

Why on earth would you avoid saying the sex?

Lalliella · 21/11/2022 09:16

You sound like a lovely parent OP and I’m sorry this has happened to your child. Once a parent always a parent, I think you worry about them forever. Your child definitely needs legal advice asap, and needs to stop funding the ex immediately, no court would order that this continues. They end the relationship, with no kids involved they’re on their own financially now. Could you go and stay with your child for a week or so, to give them support?

Lalliella · 21/11/2022 09:17

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/11/2022 09:10

Why on earth would you avoid saying the sex?

That’s your take from this? Why bother commenting if you have nothing helpful to say?

marmiteislife · 21/11/2022 09:18

Why on earth are they still funding their ex if they are living with their parents! That needs to stop. As for the house, was it bought in joint names despite only one person paying? Any record of who paid what? I bought a house with my ex but I put considerably more into it. This was recorded by my solicitor and, when we split and sold the house, we got out (percentage wise) the same as we put in. Your son/daughter needs to get legal advice asap.

hattie43 · 21/11/2022 09:23

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/11/2022 09:10

Why on earth would you avoid saying the sex?

This. Makes it very hard to read , jarring . Your ' child ' is an adult no need to use baby language

Daffodilsandtuplips · 21/11/2022 09:24

It awful not being able to fix it. Both of mine are dealing with things that a mummy head rub and a cuddle can’t fix.
One is with coming to terms with infertility. IVF failed. My other daughter is coping with her own daughter (my little granddaughter) very recently being diagnosed with a life changing, life long medical condition. She sobbed in my arms and my heart was breaking for her. All I could do was hold her.
In your case
All you can do is be there, supportive but not critical. Practical but not overbearing. Develop Teflon shoulders, listen to them but keep your own counsel.

diddl · 21/11/2022 09:30

How did the ex support themselves before they married?

Surely this is what they need to do again?

Just because your child chose to support them whilst married I would hope that that doesn't mean that they have to carry on supporting them.

Quitelikeit · 21/11/2022 09:30

Your child should not I repeat NOT be funding this person

the person needs to claim benefits or get a job now their anxiety has suddenly gone away!

encourage said child to see a lawyer asap

BellePeppa · 21/11/2022 09:32

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 20/11/2022 23:09

I get you may want to protect self but reading "child" does somewhat infantalise your adult son or daughter. You can name change i think.
You can't protect grown adults from experiencing all that life throws at us ... all you can do is be there, not overprotect but support. And get them to seek Legal advice very quickly.
Is there a,pattern of looking after others that might be usefully looked at at some point ?

What other word can you use really (other than keep saying my adult child). I agree it’s not the best word but only because the English language doesn’t provide us with a more suitable alternative.

SomePosters · 21/11/2022 09:35

Removing the sex of the child forces people to address the assumptions they’re making.

We can already see people deciding they must know from the information given and giving advice based on their perception of an unknown persons sex

Its shouldn’t matter if the ops child is male or female or if their partner is male or female.
Whatever combination of sex they may be the advice is the same

Make sure your child gets legal advice immediately and maybe go and visit to help them through this worst bit if you possibly can

medicatedgift · 21/11/2022 09:36

I don't think they should be funding the ex. They need legal advice.

caringcarer · 21/11/2022 09:53

Tell your child to stop finding the ex partner. If ex has gone home to parents leave them to sort it out with ex partner. Get good solicitor. You child should not have to fund an ex as no children. If short marriage less than about 6 years do not assume 50/50 as your child has paid all mortgage and bills with no financial contribution from ex partner. Honestly your child will be fine it is just hard for them whilst going through breakup. In the long term they will be better off in a more equal relationship.

Flakjacketon · 21/11/2022 09:58

If your child's partner has left then your DC should not be funding them - regardless of their gender. This assumes no DC of their own.
The ex made the decision to leave and if they did so on the assumption that your DC would continue to provide, then that is a major miscalculation on their part.
Get your DC good legal advice and be there as a shoulder to cry on; listen - even if they repeated themselves frequently.
I have been through this twice, with the same child, you feel helpless but they will get through it and thank you for your support in the end. 💐

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 21/11/2022 09:59

I get you may want to protect self but reading "child" does somewhat infantalise your adult son or daughter.

What a load of crap. Why can’t you refer to your CHILDren as child? They are still you’re child even when they are adults.

fUNNYfACE36 · 21/11/2022 10:04

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 20/11/2022 23:09

'Child' has more than one meaning, you absolute muppet! son or daughter of any age being one of them.

Boating123 · 21/11/2022 10:09

When I read it - I visualised the child to be a daughter and the ex the husband, but I think she is actually talking about her son and the reason for using vague pronouns is because she knows people on mumsnet are less sympathetic to men who are in trouble than women.

Anyway - my advice is just to be a shoulder to cry on and get the divorce done as soon as possible so money doesn't have to continue to pour into the ex.

NKFell · 21/11/2022 10:09

(No idea what other word is better than 'child'....offspring?!)

Anyway...They need legal advice ASAP, avoid badmouthing ex, listen and in time they'll heal, we all do.

kirinm · 21/11/2022 10:10

I don't think things are split 50/50 and there are no children so I'm not sure that she is going to end up with anything. I assume it will depend on how they've purchased the property too i.e. tenants in common / joint tenants.

I have no idea why your child thinks he / she needs to still fund his partner. I certainly would recommend he / she stop doing that now.

(I had actually assumed OP's child was a man).

RudsyFarmer · 21/11/2022 10:14

I’m not sure the ex husband or wife IS entitled to half of everything. You need legal advice.

hattie43 · 21/11/2022 10:21

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 21/11/2022 09:59

I get you may want to protect self but reading "child" does somewhat infantalise your adult son or daughter.

What a load of crap. Why can’t you refer to your CHILDren as child? They are still you’re child even when they are adults.

Yes but to be fair if someone says child most people think someone under 18 .

Persephonegoddess · 21/11/2022 10:26

If there are no grandchildren then chances of leaving partner getting 50% is a lot less. Lawyer up quick and fight.

Luana1 · 21/11/2022 10:44

If the ex didn't work or contribute anything financially during the marriage and there are no children, then it's not a given that the assets will be divided 50:50. Does your child have a good lawyer? I have to admit, I didn't know there was such a thing as a stay at home partner when there are no children involved!

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