Advice on what to do re moving - or not - or learning to fall in love with where I live

[Puffykins]

So, a year and a bit ago we - me, DH, DS12 and DD10 - moved to a seaside town on the south coast. We live 5 mins walk from the beach, and 10 mins walk from the station (back to London) and we have a sizeable house (it's a terrace, with a garden, but nice) instead of the two bedroom flat we had in London. Which sounds like the dream.

But.... I almost hate it. I miss London so much - I'm still there 2/3 days a week, for work, and 1.) the commute is horrid (I'm knackered, I don't get home in time to see the DCs, the trains are frequently cancelled/ delayed) and 2.) I'm finding it harder and harder to leave London - and when I'm there I'm working so I don't see my friends - because if I stay later to see them then I'm well and truly knackered the following day.

We moved because DH really really wanted to. I wanted to move but stay in London - the DCs were at outstanding schools, we had a great and supportive community of friends, and managing work/ school pick ups etc. was a doddle - I work from home, arranged all meetings (which is what I go into London for, now) for when the DC were at school, and sometimes went out in the evening (either work or socially, but I'd always seen the DC first. And hung up the laundry, cooked supper etc.) But DH refused to even look at any houses in London. So here we are.

I love my job. LOVE it. I have worked hard for it, through some really tricky times, and recently got the contract that I have always dreamed of - and finally, after DS having leukaemia (4 years in and out of hospital - mostly managed by me while also working) and Covid and homeschooling (that done by me) thought/ hoped that now would be my time - and I could put my all into it. I miss so many work things that I'd love to go to because I no longer live in London.... (Events/ talks etc.)

The kids miss London too - but we put them through this move, and now they're mostly settled. I got DS's school wrong the first time, so he's now been at 2 different schools since we moved here - and now he is really happy. But DD hasn't really made friends - and .....

I haven't really got any friends here either - or at least, not like I had in London. And I go to church, have joined a book group, do a weekly pottery class, and have volunteered for the parents association thing at school - ie I have tried. I know people - I just don't really like any of them that much. I don't want to hang out on the beach with them with all our DCs like I used to hang out with my friends and their children in London parks etc. I don't want to invite them all for Sunday lunch/ any lunch.

I hoped that DH and I would spend more time together - but it hasn't happened. We're both working loads and the house was wreck-like so a lot of energy goes into that - which I hugely resent.

I also hugely resent spending as much as I do on train fairs (I'm self-employed, and would much rather be putting the cash into my non-existent pension - the non-existence of which terrifies me) and the general inconvenience of living in not-London. Both in terms of running the house (we can't afford a cleaner, and on days I'm not here no one does the laundry/ loads the dishwasher etc. DH doesn't notice stuff like that - but he'll tile a bathroom so.... ) I resent not being able to pour myself as wholeheartedly into my career as I would like to. I resent actually never seeing DH, because we both travel for work (he drives to another nearby town) but one of us has to be here when the DCs get home from school so we don't both go away at the same time. My train back from London is an hour and forty five minutes so I can't go in and out while the DCs are at school.

I miss the light. DH points out stars - I don't care about stars when there are lovely angels on Regents Street. It's dark here at four and it's SO depressing (and cold, because of gas prices - our little flat was cheap to heat) - the lightness of London all year round means that the day carries on - this darkness totally saps my energy. Anyway there is nothing to do here in the evenings - I miss spur of the moment theatre/ cinema/ ballet/ dinner - that I didn't have to drive to. I miss whipping the kids to the Tate Britain after school in the winter, or taking them to a Friday night musical because I found last minute cheap tickets (I still try to do that - but we now get home at 00 30 whereas we used to get home at 10 00 - which means everyone is super tired on Saturday.)

I know in the grand scheme of things that this sounds like a spoilt whinge, and it is - I guess - and I know that we're really lucky to have a home and not be starving etc. - but I am so miserable and I am so angry with DH for doing this to us - when we had the loveliest life before, that worked so well - and I don't know how to get past it.

Moving is awful - and I also really don't think I can put the DCs through it again. Also, DH doesn't want to go back to London, I don't want me and DH to separate. I just don't know what to do. Also we actually can't move yet as this house still isn't finished so we can't put it on the market. My job is totally London centric incidentally so it's not like I can change that.

Maybe I just need to be told to buck up - but has anybody been in a similar situation and it's got better? Or found a solution? Or can anyone see what the solution is?

It's possible I'm also peri menopausal (I'm 43) which might not be helping it all.

I think probably a lot comes from the dislike, resentment and brutality of the commute. I used to have a long commute and it was awful so I totally sympathise. I ended up sleeping on a camp bed in my colleagues office (she had her own) one night a week to cut down on the commute, worked late that night and started early. Is there any way you could do this? How expensive is the commute vs a hotel or lodging with a friend once a week? If you don't see the Dc anyway due to train times, does it matter if you stay over once or twice a week?

we can't afford a cleaner, and on days I'm not here no one does the laundry/ loads the dishwasher etc.
This is not ok. Your Dc are old enough to help out with this kind of thing. Does your washing machine have a default program that it always turns on to? Mine does so I expect my 12 year old to put on a wash once a week on this program, he sorts the laundry, loads it, then all he has to do is turn the machine on and press start. He's now tall enough to reach the line, so he hangs it out after too.

Thank you @SecondaryPreparation - and I agree that the commute is a major factor.

The train is cheaper than a hotel - but I could totally stay with friends - but to be honest I find that equally exhausting (I've tried it). I'm not necessarily going to an office when I go to London - I'm having meetings, going to events, on set (my job is in a creative industry) - and I end up lugging around a bag with overnight things in it all day. And then obviously friend wants to chat/ organise a dinner with other friends - which is lovely but it's on a day that I'm there rather than a day I can do, which isn't necessarily the same thing. I end up having 2/ 3 insanely busy days - and then days of just sitting at my desk at home.

Also, on staying over, DD hates it. She likes knowing that I'm coming home snd gets really upset when I don't (she has residual separation anxiety from when DS was diagnosed with cancer and I vanished for what she thinks in her memory was months but was in fact 10 days. During which I still saw her. But wasn't at home at night because DS was in hospital.)

Commuting/ anxiety/ depression have also screwed up my sleep - so I'm more tired/ more anxious - it's a viscous circle. I'm seeing a doctor next week.

And I totally agree - DS should be able to do the washing etc. - he has ADHD and ASD though and forgets/ puts all the cups the wrong way around by mistake. DD will do it sometimes.

Read this - "and finally, after DS having leukaemia (4 years in and out of hospital - mostly managed by me while also working) and Covid and homeschooling (that done by me) thought/ hoped that now would be my time - and I could put my all into it."

And two things stood out to me.

You are probably quite burnt out from the last few years. You must have had so bloody much on your mind for so long. And then a house move. You've been on the go for years.

And

We don't get a time. Nobody does. We all just muddle along as life comes at us.
(But you totally deserve some time - I'm not suggesting otherwise).

Moving again seems unlikely for a whole host of reasons (costs and the rest of your family being settled) Your job requires a London commute. What can be done to make your commute easier? Your family need to step up domestically especially your DH. It's not good enough as it is now.
London isn't the only place with ballet and theatre. It's just what your are most familiar with - I think you need to test out your wider area again (I know that requires more energy, I get it).
Why did you decide on that area in the first place? Think about why you chose it.

I'm sympathetic. We made a move to suburbia over a decade ago and I spent a couple of years really unsettled and grieving my lost life. It takes time to replace those people, places and memories.

And I go to church, have joined a book group, do a weekly pottery class, and have volunteered for the parents association thing at school - ie I have tried.
This also. Plus commute and working. Plus renovating a house. Plus all the stress of moving. Plus looking after your DC physically and emotionally (and you have it a lot harder than many parents with what your DC have been through and SN in the mix).

Do you ever, like, rest? Take time for yourself? I don't know, do some exercise just for you or sit in peace and quiet somewhere and read a book. That kind of thing?

oh my god you sound amazing ! I hope your son is doing well now and it’s understandable your daughter misses you if you were all going through so much together and then boom
.. Covid on top

dh sounds very set in his ways (as is mine) I would push for the cleaner actually !
I don’t know how you resolve this feeling though

@Notonthestairs I think maybe you're right. And @SecondaryPreparation I am SO TIRED I can't even describe it. I used to read a lot - and I used to unwind actually by sitting in a theatre, being fed a story. And I loved it. And now it's just harder to arrange. And my brain sort of doesn't stop whirring.

I have investigated it all here. I went to Glyndebourne this summer, which was lovely but oh my goodness eye wateringly expensive in comparison to the cheap seats at the Royal Opera House, and I've become a member of Charleston and go to some of their talks and festivals which are great. London is still our nearest main city incidentally - in fact we really don't live that far away but the trains are really slow (and, recently, really unreliable.) And London is still where DS goes for a check up once a month etc. (I take him.)

We moved here because if we were going to live in not-London, as DH insisted, I wanted to be by the sea - and in the summer that is really lovely. But Southern Water keep filling it with sewage - so I'm not able to swim in it every day (I used to swim in the Serpentine/ the Hampstead ponds) so it actually hasn't been that much of a joy lately. I also wanted a cinema - which we've got - but for instance it's exclusively showing horror films at the moment as it was recently Halloween. We've also got a theatre - but it's usually hosting touring comedians (and is weirdly expensive.)

But it's not that I don't like here - it's not the fault of this town - I think it's just that I so love London/ a big city, and this is not that. And I'm also, I realise, really lonely.

It sounds really tough and I couldn't live this kind of lifestyle. But I think you've got to take responsibility for making this choice along with your husband . It may not have worked out as you hoped but honestly with keeping your job in London it was always going to be a nightmare. You need to get husband and children in shape to do the stuff at home (yes they should just do it but aren't) , have a cleaner, stay over in London one night to make things easier. I wonder if this is a reaction to the tough times as well, I imagine compared to child being ill you thought this would all be OK. Sorry not much help really.

I moved from a city to the countryside and it took me 4 years to settle. 32 years later I’m still here and would never want to move back. I love visiting the city and have stayed in touch with friends. Hope it works out for you.

@Doingmybest12 I think that's a major factor too. We've been through some really, really hard times when we didn't know if DS would live or not - and he has and we are so lucky and I should feel so blessed - instead I'm unhappier than I think I have ever been and it feels so ridiculous that this should be the case.

And thank you @Notonthestairs it's really reassuring to hear that it got better for you - which means that there is hope....

I think when you've been in crisis mode for a long time anything will feel like a bit of a climb down. You haven't had a chance to release all that emotion you've had to carry.

Have you talked to your DH about how you are feeling? Is it possible that you could move again next year? If he knew you were feeling so low what changes could he make?

I grew up somewhere rural but with a mainline station in to London nearby. Sounds ideal but the older I got the more I realised that long commutes require huge amounts of compromise on all the family.

I am so sorry you are so unhappy, actually have a tear in my eye for you. I hope you can work things out and you begin to feel better soon.

The commute sounds horrific - can you investigate alternative routes, maybe by driving to a different station/line?

It doesn't sound like a spoilt whinge, at all. Your post makes me want to howl with the loss of London - I moved out five years ago to the midlands (for love, and the love is still excellent, thankfully) but my god, I still miss my life desperately, every day. I wish I had some excellent tips for you on how to settle into your new community but I haven't achieved it either. I wish I could tell you that eventually your pace of walking slows down and you start enjoying visits to retail parks for shopping, but again, no success here.
There's no substitute for London, OP.

Can you compromise with your husband and put a time limit on how long you have to stay where you are and then at least you've got a return to look forward to?

Are the kids happy? I think their reaction can help you to know whether the move was worth it. I've done something similar and regret it, but because of when we bought and the now interest rate rise, we have no choice but to stay. I need to tame my thoughts. It doesn't have to be forever OP. Maybe give it 5-10 years.

Thank you all. @ShaunaTheSheep I think all train lines are pretty screwed right now - the endless strikes (that then get called off at the last minute but too late for the trains to run) and then there are signal failures/ floods on the line etc. There are two ways of going to London (one involves changing at Ashford) and I basically mix and match depending on what is working.

DS is really happy. He loves his school, is doing masses of your theatre and orchestra etc., and is thriving. DD less so - she's got riding and an art club that she loves but she basically wants me and play dates with friends and we haven't got those. (I mean, I try, but she doesn't like the children enough to want to play with them.)

I think the easiest thing would be to move back. But oh my God it seems so incredibly exhausting even to think about it again. And the stress of it all.... also I don't want to move DS at the moment. And the mortgage rates.... I feel totally unable to make a decision.

I don't think you can move at the moment. I feel that will break you all.
But it's not working either as is :(

Incidentally thank you all so much for being so kind and understanding. I thought I would be met with commands to grow to and get over it - which is pretty much what my DM says whenever I try and talk to her - and DH does know how I feel but also doesn't know what to do. And he's exhausted too. And I don't feel I can necessarily tell anyone in real life - because if I admit it, it will be true, and most of the time I do really well at faking happiness and positivity and everything. And huge solidarity to you others who miss London so much it physically hurts.

Sounds really tough, OP. We were only saying the other day how marvellous it would be to live in London and have access to all the amazing theatres and museums. But no chance, and we know that. So it must be very hard that you've had all that and now you don't, and you have a horrendous commute too.

As others have so rightly said, you've had a very difficult and emotional time with your darling son and for sure it will have knocked your resilience. I actually would stop trying with the church, bookclub, etc. for now. Look inwards to yourself and your family and get over the massive lifestyle change. I honestly think things might start falling into place once you stop trying and relax a bit. We moved three years ago and even though we're older than you and we moved for different reasons - nearer family - it's a huge upheaval. Be kind to yourself, hunker down and try and think of all the positives. All the very best, I hope you start to feel more at peace in time.

Try not to blame your husband - you both decided to move, and I'm sure there were reasons for that. Living in a flat, lacking space...and after 4 years of anxiety and medical treatment I can understand the need for change.

I agree with those saying you probably can't move now. But in a few years, when the house is renovated and hopefully the economic situation is more stable, you can review that.

What really sticks out to me is that you miss your friends, and are struggling to make new ones. I don't believe there are no congenial people down there (and surely lots of people like you who moved out of London and want to make friends). You just haven't met them yet, because the ways you met friends before don't apply - uni, work, and your children are older so no toddler groups, little involvement at school. If you stay social and friendly I'm sure you will gradually find like-minded people.

You sound so busy. Could you decide to completely slow down for a while? Maybe play to the strengths of the area instead of trying to replicate a city life. So have long walk on the beach...no music/ Audible just silence.
Get your whole family out each weekend to hike so you all have family time. Light a big cosy fire and stay at home. Just for a while to give yourself a chance. You have had a hectic time. And do get a cleaner. Make it a priority in your joint spending.
This is a very cheeky comment but you said your mind is in overdrive and that's what my ds with ADHD says. Your ds has ADHD..could you possibly have it too? And they are often very creative people..and he does work that sounds like yours. Please don't get offended but it was my first thought when l read your post.

Dear OP

a long time ago, we left London, though that was prompted by my failing health. We bought a house which had a huge planning problem attached , which had been fraudulently concealed by the council and our NDN , so it wasn’t exactly stress free!
So I understand a bit of where you are coming from. What I would say is that I think everywhere is just really coming out the other side of lockdown. From What I can tell listening to friends who still live in London, lockdown had in some ways more effect on smaller communities. The things which bind them together were very much truncated, and they are reforming in rather different ways from before. So I don’t think it is as ‘easy’ to slot into a new place as before ( we moved an hour away from our twenty-five year village in autumn 2019, and that is my observation).

So I think you need to give yourself time, and let the place come to you a bit, so you can discover what appeals to you and where you derive pleasure. It may not be where you automatically expect. I found two quite different spheres of interest which came out of the new place .

I wish you well.

OP much love to you

Good words of advice here.

You sound exhausted and have been through a few years of huge trauma. Now, when things seem 'settled' I think you are now allowing yourself to feel a lot of that heartbreak and stress.

Work is important to you, and you are good at what you do, your children are beginning to get settled. You are doing all you can to make friends in the local community. It is early days yet.

I moved about 50 miles from a large city to a village about a year ago, it takes time, but I am starting to feel settled and have made friends. I think there is a period of grief and loss at what we leave behind. Give time, time.

Lean into it, give it more time, enjoy what the area offers, but also have the thought in the back of your head that you could move back in a few years if needed.

I agree that DH and the family really need to help out more with the day today stuff. Get a rocket under DH to do more

We moved to Folkestone from London in 2018 and i haven't looked back once. I like that it gets properly dark. There seem to be plenty of things around to do with the kids. I even like the noise of the seagulls.

I feel so lucky to be able to live in a place that I chose, in my own home.

You don't sound in love with your home, you sound like you have itchy feet. It could be worth getting the family together and putting the idea of returning to London to them (could you even afford that?) and seeing what everybody says.

To me it sounds as though you went straight from four years of stress to the next stress of relocating, without pausing to think or get used to life being back to normal.

What really jumps out for me is that you had four very stressful years when your DS was ill, in the main managed by you, and I expect you did the majority of the household/ childcare work before that as well. Yet your DH wanted to move to somewhere that made your life more difficult (the long commute, being away from the creative industries of London), and you went along with it.

Why was that? Did you think the commute and being away from London would be manageable, was DH being difficult so you had to agree, did you think it would be a fresh start after DS being ill? And now he is not stepping up to take on the domestic work when you are out of the house. I’d be resentful too in your place.