Advice on what to do re moving - or not - or learning to fall in love with where I live

[Puffykins]

So, a year and a bit ago we - me, DH, DS12 and DD10 - moved to a seaside town on the south coast. We live 5 mins walk from the beach, and 10 mins walk from the station (back to London) and we have a sizeable house (it's a terrace, with a garden, but nice) instead of the two bedroom flat we had in London. Which sounds like the dream.

But.... I almost hate it. I miss London so much - I'm still there 2/3 days a week, for work, and 1.) the commute is horrid (I'm knackered, I don't get home in time to see the DCs, the trains are frequently cancelled/ delayed) and 2.) I'm finding it harder and harder to leave London - and when I'm there I'm working so I don't see my friends - because if I stay later to see them then I'm well and truly knackered the following day.

We moved because DH really really wanted to. I wanted to move but stay in London - the DCs were at outstanding schools, we had a great and supportive community of friends, and managing work/ school pick ups etc. was a doddle - I work from home, arranged all meetings (which is what I go into London for, now) for when the DC were at school, and sometimes went out in the evening (either work or socially, but I'd always seen the DC first. And hung up the laundry, cooked supper etc.) But DH refused to even look at any houses in London. So here we are.

I love my job. LOVE it. I have worked hard for it, through some really tricky times, and recently got the contract that I have always dreamed of - and finally, after DS having leukaemia (4 years in and out of hospital - mostly managed by me while also working) and Covid and homeschooling (that done by me) thought/ hoped that now would be my time - and I could put my all into it. I miss so many work things that I'd love to go to because I no longer live in London.... (Events/ talks etc.)

The kids miss London too - but we put them through this move, and now they're mostly settled. I got DS's school wrong the first time, so he's now been at 2 different schools since we moved here - and now he is really happy. But DD hasn't really made friends - and .....

I haven't really got any friends here either - or at least, not like I had in London. And I go to church, have joined a book group, do a weekly pottery class, and have volunteered for the parents association thing at school - ie I have tried. I know people - I just don't really like any of them that much. I don't want to hang out on the beach with them with all our DCs like I used to hang out with my friends and their children in London parks etc. I don't want to invite them all for Sunday lunch/ any lunch.

I hoped that DH and I would spend more time together - but it hasn't happened. We're both working loads and the house was wreck-like so a lot of energy goes into that - which I hugely resent.

I also hugely resent spending as much as I do on train fairs (I'm self-employed, and would much rather be putting the cash into my non-existent pension - the non-existence of which terrifies me) and the general inconvenience of living in not-London. Both in terms of running the house (we can't afford a cleaner, and on days I'm not here no one does the laundry/ loads the dishwasher etc. DH doesn't notice stuff like that - but he'll tile a bathroom so.... ) I resent not being able to pour myself as wholeheartedly into my career as I would like to. I resent actually never seeing DH, because we both travel for work (he drives to another nearby town) but one of us has to be here when the DCs get home from school so we don't both go away at the same time. My train back from London is an hour and forty five minutes so I can't go in and out while the DCs are at school.

I miss the light. DH points out stars - I don't care about stars when there are lovely angels on Regents Street. It's dark here at four and it's SO depressing (and cold, because of gas prices - our little flat was cheap to heat) - the lightness of London all year round means that the day carries on - this darkness totally saps my energy. Anyway there is nothing to do here in the evenings - I miss spur of the moment theatre/ cinema/ ballet/ dinner - that I didn't have to drive to. I miss whipping the kids to the Tate Britain after school in the winter, or taking them to a Friday night musical because I found last minute cheap tickets (I still try to do that - but we now get home at 00 30 whereas we used to get home at 10 00 - which means everyone is super tired on Saturday.)

I know in the grand scheme of things that this sounds like a spoilt whinge, and it is - I guess - and I know that we're really lucky to have a home and not be starving etc. - but I am so miserable and I am so angry with DH for doing this to us - when we had the loveliest life before, that worked so well - and I don't know how to get past it.

Moving is awful - and I also really don't think I can put the DCs through it again. Also, DH doesn't want to go back to London, I don't want me and DH to separate. I just don't know what to do. Also we actually can't move yet as this house still isn't finished so we can't put it on the market. My job is totally London centric incidentally so it's not like I can change that.

Maybe I just need to be told to buck up - but has anybody been in a similar situation and it's got better? Or found a solution? Or can anyone see what the solution is?

It's possible I'm also peri menopausal (I'm 43) which might not be helping it all.

But DH has agreed that we can move back in London in four years if I still want to

Excellent - who knows how you will feel in four years, but knowing this option is open will stop the panic. Make sure you keep up with your old friends and stay over in London occasionally. I am also 100% you will make good friends where you are, because you just seem likeable and sociable.

Well I've done three international moves in my life, two with children and one during Covid, and I'd still move back to London in your situation. Moving is hell but it's short-term, time-limited hell which you've done before and know how to do. Living in a place you don't want to live will last a long long time, and yes you'll slowly get used to it, but that doesn't mean it will get better. But yes I love London and big cities, so I'm biased.

@PuffykinsI know this is an old thread but wondered if you made the move back to London or stuck it out and are feeling better about where you moved to? I’m in a similar situation (but missing a different city) and despite being here for 5 years now, still miss our old city. And with eldest starting secondary in a few years time, we either need to make the move back soonish or stick it out until youngest finishes secondary / sixth form which we are some 12 years away from! 12 years living somewhere where I just feel as though I don’t belong is a depressing thought!!

@Sarahlovessandwiches hi! I'd actually forgotten this thread - and reading it again has been rather extraordinary and made me see how far I've come - so thank you for posting. We are still here, on the coast. And, now four years in, I am better at living here than I was. We finished the house, and it is lovely. I cut down on the number of days that I go into London - I miss events etc. - but I realised that it is the DC who I want to be with more. The school they're at is a four mile bicycle ride away, along the coast, and whenever I can I go with them in the mornings, and meet them at the end of the day and we have a hot chocolate/ ice-cream/ swim - and that has been possibly the biggest positive change, as it boosts my mood so much. They totally don't need me to do the school run with them - they're 13 and 15 - but I was, as other posters identified, mourning that element of their childhood and now I feel I've prolonged it and that's only because we live here. (They do still go alone some days, and they do have independence too!) And gradually gradually I've made friends (still not really good friends, but friends.) DH quit his job that we moved here for, and is now also commuting back to London (which is ridiculous) but here we are. Would I still move back to London if I could do it with no effort? Yes. Do I think about it constantly? No. Am I happy? Actually, yes.... I still don't feel that I belong here though. But I don't feel it as keenly. I hope that you find your answer. And thank you again - it really has been good for me reading through this.

@Puffykinsthat is so helpful, thank you. Really glad to hear you’ve settled more. It’s really helped me reading your post. I think in all honesty, like you, I don’t ever think I feel like I belong where we are now but I am going to try to focus on the positives and try to make the most of it, and hope that I can find some sort of contentment! Thank you for replying and I’m glad to hear it was useful to re-read your post!