Advice on what to do re moving - or not - or learning to fall in love with where I live

[Puffykins]

So, a year and a bit ago we - me, DH, DS12 and DD10 - moved to a seaside town on the south coast. We live 5 mins walk from the beach, and 10 mins walk from the station (back to London) and we have a sizeable house (it's a terrace, with a garden, but nice) instead of the two bedroom flat we had in London. Which sounds like the dream.

But.... I almost hate it. I miss London so much - I'm still there 2/3 days a week, for work, and 1.) the commute is horrid (I'm knackered, I don't get home in time to see the DCs, the trains are frequently cancelled/ delayed) and 2.) I'm finding it harder and harder to leave London - and when I'm there I'm working so I don't see my friends - because if I stay later to see them then I'm well and truly knackered the following day.

We moved because DH really really wanted to. I wanted to move but stay in London - the DCs were at outstanding schools, we had a great and supportive community of friends, and managing work/ school pick ups etc. was a doddle - I work from home, arranged all meetings (which is what I go into London for, now) for when the DC were at school, and sometimes went out in the evening (either work or socially, but I'd always seen the DC first. And hung up the laundry, cooked supper etc.) But DH refused to even look at any houses in London. So here we are.

I love my job. LOVE it. I have worked hard for it, through some really tricky times, and recently got the contract that I have always dreamed of - and finally, after DS having leukaemia (4 years in and out of hospital - mostly managed by me while also working) and Covid and homeschooling (that done by me) thought/ hoped that now would be my time - and I could put my all into it. I miss so many work things that I'd love to go to because I no longer live in London.... (Events/ talks etc.)

The kids miss London too - but we put them through this move, and now they're mostly settled. I got DS's school wrong the first time, so he's now been at 2 different schools since we moved here - and now he is really happy. But DD hasn't really made friends - and .....

I haven't really got any friends here either - or at least, not like I had in London. And I go to church, have joined a book group, do a weekly pottery class, and have volunteered for the parents association thing at school - ie I have tried. I know people - I just don't really like any of them that much. I don't want to hang out on the beach with them with all our DCs like I used to hang out with my friends and their children in London parks etc. I don't want to invite them all for Sunday lunch/ any lunch.

I hoped that DH and I would spend more time together - but it hasn't happened. We're both working loads and the house was wreck-like so a lot of energy goes into that - which I hugely resent.

I also hugely resent spending as much as I do on train fairs (I'm self-employed, and would much rather be putting the cash into my non-existent pension - the non-existence of which terrifies me) and the general inconvenience of living in not-London. Both in terms of running the house (we can't afford a cleaner, and on days I'm not here no one does the laundry/ loads the dishwasher etc. DH doesn't notice stuff like that - but he'll tile a bathroom so.... ) I resent not being able to pour myself as wholeheartedly into my career as I would like to. I resent actually never seeing DH, because we both travel for work (he drives to another nearby town) but one of us has to be here when the DCs get home from school so we don't both go away at the same time. My train back from London is an hour and forty five minutes so I can't go in and out while the DCs are at school.

I miss the light. DH points out stars - I don't care about stars when there are lovely angels on Regents Street. It's dark here at four and it's SO depressing (and cold, because of gas prices - our little flat was cheap to heat) - the lightness of London all year round means that the day carries on - this darkness totally saps my energy. Anyway there is nothing to do here in the evenings - I miss spur of the moment theatre/ cinema/ ballet/ dinner - that I didn't have to drive to. I miss whipping the kids to the Tate Britain after school in the winter, or taking them to a Friday night musical because I found last minute cheap tickets (I still try to do that - but we now get home at 00 30 whereas we used to get home at 10 00 - which means everyone is super tired on Saturday.)

I know in the grand scheme of things that this sounds like a spoilt whinge, and it is - I guess - and I know that we're really lucky to have a home and not be starving etc. - but I am so miserable and I am so angry with DH for doing this to us - when we had the loveliest life before, that worked so well - and I don't know how to get past it.

Moving is awful - and I also really don't think I can put the DCs through it again. Also, DH doesn't want to go back to London, I don't want me and DH to separate. I just don't know what to do. Also we actually can't move yet as this house still isn't finished so we can't put it on the market. My job is totally London centric incidentally so it's not like I can change that.

Maybe I just need to be told to buck up - but has anybody been in a similar situation and it's got better? Or found a solution? Or can anyone see what the solution is?

It's possible I'm also peri menopausal (I'm 43) which might not be helping it all.

@EllieQ you've sort of hit the nail on the head. DH was being very, very insistent - refused even to discuss a move within London even though I repeatedly explained why and how it was going to make my life harder - and I went along with it, reluctantly, because I thought I'd be able to make it work - I mean, I survived DS's cancer, surely I could survive commuting? And I thought that with a station I could walk to, the beach so close, cinemas etc. (i.e. stuff I love) it would be the best not-London scenario. And maybe it is. But who, when faced with the best awful, doesn't just want the best?

The house has needed SO much more work than we thought it would - and we've basically run out of money to pay people to do it so we're doing it ourselves. DH is doing a lot of it, partly out of guilt I think, so that's why we don't really spend much time together. And oh my God living in a building site is depressing. It is SO much than it was - but we def can't light a fire because all the chimney flues are screwed and that's another £2000 (per chimney.)

DH and DS are both super untidy - they just don't see it - and whereas our old flat was totally manageable for me in terms of tidying up etc, - here it's spread out over 4 floors and some days I almost can't face even going up to two of them.

And the poster who is in Folkestone (we're just down the coast from you) - that is now I used to feel about London. I loved it, I had chosen it, my life worked and made sense. Now I feel like I've been exiled.

DH is relatively happy though. Except for the guilt which I actually don't want to impose on him, so....,

I think you need to give it more time; it does take a while to put down roots and feel settled. But I do sympathise; it’s horrible feeling you are in the wrong place. I had the opposite experience in that I moved from the coast up to London for Dh, and I hated it. I gave it several years, and really tried, but I knew in my heart it was wrong for me.

I also think it would be worth trying HRT. Perimenopause can cause the ‘busy head’ thing - I’m suffering with that, and a general feeling of dissatisfaction. It might help you to feel better about things.

Oh - and regards timing. I did negotiate DS being a year clear of cancer before we put our flat on the market. The timing was actually quite important- we were moving between primary and secondary for DS, our flat was about to need a lease extension unless we sold it right then, there was an upcoming £20,000 general works bill that we didn't really want to pay, and my grandfather died so I packed up his house alongside our own and now I live surrounded by my grandparents' furniture - which actually is lovely.

@VenusClapTrap that's what I was maybe thinking about in regards the peri menopause- I'll talk to the doctor about it - thank you.

I think you live not all that far from me OP!

When we left London 7 years ago I felt v similar to you. Particularly the dark and the friends thing. We spent the first 6 months plotting how we could move back. Had many dark evenings of being on the verge of just hiring a van and packing up straight away and throwing ourselves on the mercy of friends. But we stuck it out for about 3 years and then moved from that village (which I had grown to completely hate) to another, which we love. We are making proper friends here as there are so many more people here who are on our wavelength.

I still miss London though. I will always be a Londoner in my heart. I grew up there. I miss the culture and the diversity and the world-on-your-doorstep-ness of it. For now, the pros of living here outweigh the cons. But, part of me will always sort of wish we had just packed up and moved straight back.

No real advice. I feel for you hugely. It’s a lot. Especially on top of what you’ve been through with your son (we made our move out on the back of some big family stuff and it definitely clouded our judgement at the time). In all honesty, if I were your friend, I’d be asking you if there isn’t anyway you could move back. Yes it will be another upheaval. But it will be short term pain for longer term happiness.

My DH like you loves London and everything it offers, I like your DH loathe London I’m a dyed in the wool country person. We moved out about 20 years ago and then moved around we currently live in a very rural location with little amenities, I love every minute of it and count my lucky stars every day about our location. It’s taken DH at least 15 years to stop talking about buying a “little flat in London” and now he says he wouldn’t want to live there. It’s changed so much. When I occasionally visit I can’t wait to leave (I lived there for 20+ years) it’s so noisy, yes I do miss exhibitions, (in particular) the theatre etc but where I live now offers so much not the same stuff but still so much.
I suspect it’s going to take a long time for you to settle. I think the commute is a big factor, not sure what you can do about that and maybe your lack of local friends? You seem to have done a lot in an attempt to to meet like minded people I wonder why you haven’t made a couple of friends obviously Covid hasn’t helped. Do you not like the people you meet? Are you normally quite shy? Have you invited anyone round for a coffee although I guess you don’t have lots of time.
I moved to my current location 2 years ago and having 4-5 local friends it makes a big difference. We aren’t exactly packed with cultural activities round here but I went to our tiny local cinema on Saturday with a couple of friends, it wasn’t a film I would normally be interested in seeing but I went to further cement the friendships I’d made. I have a dog that helps I’ve met friends through the dog who then show me new walks etc tell me about various restaurants/cafes, many have lived here for years and know about events etc coming up. All this contributes to my love and appreciation of the area I live in and this has all helped me feel that I’ve finally come home.

@Dressageconvert I've had people to coffee and to dinner and to tea, I've really tried. I'm not shy - but nor am I particularly outgoing. I like everyone I've met, I just don't like them a lot. I guess we haven't been through enough together, yet. Or we don't have enough in common, or share enough of the same interests. DH is a recovered/ recovering alcoholic, so we don't drink - which maybe makes it harder.

@Flockameanie maybe that is the answer!

Oddly, everyone I met is either older than me - so working much less - or younger than me and in the really small child stage or recently divorced/ separated and looking for nights out/ dates etc. Which is all great and I like them all - but I haven't met anyone who wants to/ can come to the theatre with me/ go for family picnics where our kids all play together etc. In the summer my friends and my DCs friends came down and stayed and that was lovely, but sort of made me miss our old life more.

Thank you to everyone who has reassured me that it will get better.

Move back.

We tried moving out. Similar. Flat to house/ garden. Hated the quiet/ nothing evenings. Closed communities.

We've moved back to the city.

I'm loving it!

Flats are fine and much cheaper re energy.

I feel exhausted reading what you are doing, and I'm used to working FT, doing an MBA and travelling internationally for work, and tbh I think you need to just, well, calm down a bit and decide what is important to you and what will make your life better.
If that is that you spend one night a week in London as a fixed thing in your calendar so you can work that evening or go out, or see friends, or swim at the Serpentine then your dd will get used to you being away and it will make things less frantic and give you a little space. Stop volunteering, give up the pottery and give yourself some breathing space to actually be with your dh and family.
It also sounds a bit to me like you haven't left the small children phase behind mentally - between your Ds's illness and COVID you missed out a lot, as you are seeking things like hanging out in parks, play dates, family picnics, going to museums after school and so on which to me at least is an under 8's thing more.

It’s not always easy to form new friendships especially if you not “particularly outgoing” you probably have to put all the effort in in the beginning to break into established friendships groups. Do you think your not liking the area and your dreams of moving back to London is influencing your behaviour? Could you take up a new interest and make a friendship that way? Maybe go to a beginners class in something your lack of knowledge would then be your shared interest with others attending.
It sounds like it’s going to take you a long time to settle and I think your going have to make a huge effort to make it work; do you have sufficient energy and time?
Ultimately you’re going to have to decide if you are going to stay there and try and put the effort in to make it work or be totally honest with your family and say it’s not working for you and therefore you really want to move back as you're really unhappy. Im sure your DCs will quickly adapt to moving back your husband may feel differently nothing would get me back into London.

Are you ableto take some time away from your job?You are doing too much.Rethe house which sounds huge could you really make 1 or 2 rooms as you want them.You have your grandparents lovely things seeing them will bring you happiness see it as a retreat.We moved from the area I think you are in to the South West life was so different but it takes time wehave a few which is enough lovely friends .You will get there.

Just a thought - have you joined a local sea swimming group? There absolutely will be one in your area…

There are indeed lots of swimming groups @Flockameanie! I usually swim with my DC though. Also no one has actually invited me to join a swimming group yet. I might actually ask someone I know if I can join hers.

@Ragruggers pausing work is not an option. I earn more than DH and need to keep us fed and housed etc. Also I really do love my work. Though I agree that more time with the DCs would be nice.

I think, in my head, I've got to stop thinking that this is permanent - and think about moving back to London once DS has done his GCSEs (in three and a half years time.... ) His school stops then anyway. Of course if DD gets in I've got to wait for her GCSEs to be done too - or not.

I do feel for you Puffykins I'm also a born and bred Londoner and though I've lived in other cities, including Brighton (aka London-by-Sea) I can't really live long-term anywhere else.

I would go by other pps advice and slow down by dropping some of the extra activities for the time being so that you have time to breathe; visiting your GP and checking for premenopause is also a good idea.

Now that they are both settled take the long term view of moving back to London when your DCs are older (and the property market has stabilised!). But keep what you've written here to discuss with DH when you do feel better. Best of luck

OP it sounds super full on, work, commute, renovations and house and kids. And a new town. And your DS’s illness and recovery.

I can hear you are nostalgic for the times you hung out in the park with your friends and all your DC but I wonder if that as the kids get older that’s not likely to happen anyway. I have good friends who I spent many a happy day with but then the kids suddenly preferred clubs, their own friends or lying on sofa in their rooms. It just suddenly changes and they and you are older and different.

I wonder where you’d prefer to raise teens? I don’t want to make assumptions as you may see London as having loads of advantages for teens but my kids have more freedom than their cousins in a big city and I worry less about them being out.

It will all change again. I was thinking about a couple of good friends I made since moving here 7 years ago. We met helping at a kids club and it took a while. It’s funny looking back how we crossed the line from acquaintance to friends. It’s not a single moment and it takes time.
The last town I lived in I made a couple of friends at the PTA and at the first meeting everyone was nice and I had no idea who would stick. Looking back it was all like a series of Motherland.

Anyway you’ve had some good advice and lots of sympathy. Go easy on yourself and think about those hormones.

I feel your pain, OP. We left London for Yorkshire when we were newly married, after 10 years there. I’d been made redundant and wanted to start a family soon so we made a decision to move back to DH’s home town(ish). I loved, loved, loved London and felt like I’d found my home there.

for the first 18 months I cried any time we visited London or any London friends asked when we were moving back. I couldn’t bear it and could only see the downsides. But slowly, we made friends- first social friends and gradually real friends. It takes time. It’s hard. And no one warns you about that.

after 2-2.5 years here, I knew we were here for good. And it’s now 15 years since we moved and though I love visiting London this is now home.

know that it takes time. And it’s hard. But be kind to yourself. Decide not to decide for eg another year.

It seems to me that your husband gets his own way a lot in the relationship, and on top of that he doesn't carry the family burden at all, neither the little stuff around the house, or the really big things like four years of DS' illness.

Now that you are stretched to the limit because of your commute, and functioning without any support from friends or distractions like the theatre or the Tate, maybe the extreme limitations of your relationship and the unfair conditions of your relationship are making themselves felt and are hard to ignore?

Marriage counseling is cheaper than divorce, is my advice to you. I hope you can find a counselor who will light a stick of dynamite and stick it up your husband's arse.

I think you need to take a couple of days off from life. Just take a break to get some head space to decide what changes to make. The answer is there somewhere but when we are so busy we don't see it

I absolutely agree with this. I was shocked to read that you are the higher earner/ the breadwinner - I had assumed that your job earned less than your DH’s, and as such you accepted the disruption of the long commute because his job was the priority in the move out of London.

But what you are saying is that your recovering alcoholic husband (how long is it since he stopped drinking?), who left you to deal with all domestic duties and the huge stress of your DS’s illness over the years, forced you to move out of London to somewhere that makes your job more difficult, despite you being the higher earner, and won’t pick up the slack at home. I am sure that if you’d posted about the potential move on MN at the time, you would have been advised against it 😞 I wonder how much of you keeping yourself very busy is to stop yourself thinking about the unfairness in your relationship.

Fuck me OP, hats off to you, its no wonder you’re miserable, bloody well done for getting through the last few years.

You’ve had lots of good advice here.

What i would say is that i am a few years ahead of you in terms of kids ages and have been through a similar situation- alcoholic, partner who’s crap on the home front, ASD, sensitive kids, a big unusual job, burnout, living somewhere i hate, serious illness in the family. I like to think of life in chapters, you’re kind of set for this chapter now, its not the time to make more big decisions, you’ll break.

In a few years your children will be more independent, some of the weight will have lifted and you’ll be able to make bigger decisions, you won’t have to be stuck there for the kids, you’ll be in a position to say to your DH “i’ve tried this, its not working for me” and maybe that will decide what happens with your location and your relationship, but you do have the right to be happy.

Meantime I agree you need a break, yes your children might miss you but if it makes you even 10% happier you will be a better mum. Maybe you can settle in to the fact you don’t have friends you love there, maybe stop trying so hard to find them and indulge in things you actually want to do- even if its reading in a cafe, swimming in the sea, carve out some time for you without an intention or goal. Sounds like you’ve been spinning everyones plates for a long time.

Sending lots of love x

Thank you so much for all the advice.

Quickly, re DH - he had gone through rehab before we got together and, bar a couple of hiccups years ago, has not touched a drop in over a decade. (I was pregnant with DS last time, which was worrying, but we got through it.)

He works hard - but he works in the performing arts so the pay is low. The reason that I did much of the hospital etc. around DS's cancer is because often he was away on tour which was hard for him too - but when he was at home, he did a lot.

He does 90% of the cooking, and a huge amount of DIY etc. - he just doesn't 'see' mess/ washing up etc.

We're definitely going to get a cleaner.

I took the DCs for a lovely walk in the marshes this morning (DH is at work) and now DD is hoovering and I'm going to do a bit of work. I took DS to cadets last night, and I do realise that the opportunities for the children as teenagers - sailing/ mountain biking/ riding etc. - and in many ways superior to what they'd have in London (or at least they're much more outdoorsy.) But DH has agreed that we can move back in London in four years if I still want to.

And if I get through a mountain of work this weekend/ beginning of this week, I can totally take next weekend off, completely.

I so recognise that feeling of a visceral ache of longing for London. I was born and brought up in London, but since we left for the countryside more than ten years ago not a day has gone by that I don't wish that we still lived there, although we live in a beautiful and very sought after area just an hour by train from London. I too have struggled to make friendships as good as those I still have in London, although I know a lot of people and do have a social life here. We have agreed that we will be moving back to London when our DC have finished school, in a year and a half.
One observation – I struggle hugely more in the winter, with the lack of light and the lack of things to do locally. I have found it helpful to take Vitamin D daily (a fairly bumper dose), and to make sure that I get outside for an hour or so every day – a dog helps with this.