Can this situationship just burn out?

[Shallotter]

I think it's likely I am having an emotional affair. It was hard to know at first, but as the weeks have gone on, I am beginning to see where lines have been crossed.

I am married, and so is the man I am potentially having an EA with.

We both know we have feelings for each other, we told each other. We flirt, have hugged, had conversations about how "hot" we find each other. Had deep conversations about our marriages and life situations. Equally, we have had many conversations where we have tried to shut this down because we know it's wrong. We've said "this needs to stop" and then had a couple of days NC. We always reach back out to each other in some way.

We have some issues that make complete no contact impossible.
He's my boss. We also serve in the local community together, our families are good friends and we all go on holidays, day trips etc. He has had an affair before, so telling our spouses about this would be devastating, particularly for his wife.

We started a flirty conversation tonight. It ended with us reminding each other that we needed to stop. However, we also then spoke about how we needed to get real and that this isn't as easy to squash as we keep thinking. We always reach back out to each other. I suggested we spoke this through in person, rather than over text. He agreed but we haven't made a plan yet because his wife tracks him on her phone. We want to talk through how we can squash this once and for all.

Be real with me. How is stopping this for good going to actually look? We've never been physically intimate apart from a hug, so I don't worry about this. However, I have to see him once or twice a week or when our families meet for socialising. Total no contact isn't possible. What can I propose we do when we meet for a chat? My head is utterly shot.

Are you happily married? Do you really want it to stop?

I think just keep your distance as much as possible. Don't arrange meet ups between the families.
Stop messaging

Imagine how awkward it would be if she found out. You'd be the villain.

I am not happily married, no.
Neither is he.

However, we both want to remain married for various reasons.

Do I want it to stop? Good question.
Morally, absolutely! I would love for these feelings to disappear and to rebuild with my husband. But realistically, not as much as I should. This is the challenge.

What happened to his last affair?

He really considered leaving for the OW but couldn't. He knew it would cause too much pain. He confessed.

If you wanted it to stop, you would stop. It’s that simple.

you don’t want it to stop. Neither does he - and the fact that he has had an affair before shows that, realistically, he would do it again.

So you need to get real with yourself. You are enjoying this (probably also enjoying the thrill of pretending to end it and then starting it up again, the thrill of knowing what’s going on when your families are together etc).

So yes, it is perfectly possible to stop these sorts of things. But only if you want to. Which you don’t, otherwise you would have already.

He’s your boss????

No what happened to her not him?

Yep!

He had a lot of rebuilding to do with his wife and family. His wife forgave him.

If you don’t want to destroy your marriage then you have to end this ‘emotional affair’. Block him, get a new job and move on with your life.

If you want to end your marriage to pursue this relationship with this man, then you have to break up with your husband first (and presumably him with his wife). And then you can start a relationship together honestly.

You have to choose. You can’t keep stringing both men along. Otherwise it will all end in tears and you will destroy your marriage anyway…

Firstly you need to know you cannot control him, you can only make a choice for yourself. Don't see this as something you will do together with him, as arguably this keeps the relationship going in some sense, and don't rely on him to carry it out. Make a decision for yourself and your life. What kind of person do you want to be? If you genuinely want to shut this down you will need to do this on your own and you effectively need to 'break up' with him. He has already had one affair so be prepared that he may make or hard for you to stick to your plan but you may not blame him for your actions. So once you've made a decision for yourself that you are comitted to shutting this down you simply issue him with a statement. It's not a discussion. Tell him "As of tomorrow I will not be engaging with you beyond necessary communications for work, and necessary pleasantries at social events. I will not be meeting with you for any further private conversations and I will be blocking your phone number for x months, any work or essential communication can be via email."
Then remove his number from your phone, block his number and every time he pops into your head you need to say 'this needs to stop' and retrain your thoughts to see him only as your boss and family friend. Have a photo of your spouse to look at when thoughts of this man arise. Keep your interactions cool and distanced. It may take you a couple of months to get over it but ultimately it is about what kind of life you want to live, and some actions can never be undone.

The woman he had the affair with! What happened to her? Not him not his wife.

No idea!

Great advice from 34876421.
Stop messing around while either of you has a wife/husband.
You decide to stop and take action to make it so - no further piddling around .

Doesn't sound like he's a good guy at all; you're both married and wanting to stay that way. Don't meet him to chat it through. Reduce the socialising. Forget him and work on your marriage or end your marriage.

Are there children too on either side?

I think you need to mourn and process the ending of the relationship as you would with any emotional connection. You need to set the boundaries as to what is and isn't acceptable with each other, then create a space in your head where you can let rip. I'd advocate writing stuff down, how you feel about him, the situation, what it would have been like to be with him (although this is risky unless you can guarantee it not being found by your husband) but find an outlet somehow, a counsellor? Really get it all out and then get over him and move on. It's not an easy transition, but it is possible.

Yes, on both sides.

aren’t you ashamed of yourself?

This has the potential to be really messy. I think sometimes after a few years of marriage and kids and day to day drudge it can be intoxicating to have someone show a bit of interest and it’s easy to get caught up. Makes the week a bit more interesting etc. But try and see him clearly in the cold light of day. He has already done this (and more) once with someone else and potentially has had a taste for / likes the buzz of having something extra going on and is therefore open to or actively goes looking for it. You couldn’t properly trust him. When it comes down to it he is a weak person who betrayed his wife and didn’t even have the courage of his convictions to stick around for the last woman he tried this with when it came down to the crunch. You could fall for him completely and he could do the same to you. Is your husband decent, is it worth risking him for someone flaky like this? When you say his wife tracks him, is this due to insecurities after the first affair? Are you close to her too, do you all work together?

You might be having an emotional affair with yearnings of tenderness and love, he’s simply playing the long game of getting you to pull your knickers down and open your legs.

Find another job.

I read another thread with this exact scenario the other week. You were advised to avoid him
on that thread.

Do you think you are posting (again) because you want to keep discussing the situation and the man you’ve got a crush on and can’t do it in real life?

Try and analyse a bit. Why do you want to meet him in person, really? Deep down you know it’s not to do the right thing. It’s because you want to see him. And probably secretly hope something physical will arise from seeing him.

You say you both can’t end your marriages, why exactly? If you have an affair you probably will. Imagine your children’s faces telling them you’re moving out. Try and think of it in real consequences and not in a romanticised sense of forbidden love/lust. He has done it before, please don’t fall for his lines…

Would you be bothered if your husband had the same kind of interactions as you have been doing?
I mean this is going only one way isn't it, and you wont be content till you both get to the physical crescendo, then it's all downhill from there I'm affraid, unless you then start the conversations going about the future you will spend together, that will keep the passion going for a bit longer.
But question, have you asked yourself if you want to divorce and be with this man in the future, I know I would have never bothered if my future actions had'nt been totally sure.

There are so many negatives for you in the long run if you proceed, really you've built this up to be so exiting and it's not, it's just extramarital sex, sex without love or care, because if this man cared for you he would not be trying to coax you into a situation that could really backfire on you and your children.