Can this situationship just burn out?

[Shallotter]

I think it's likely I am having an emotional affair. It was hard to know at first, but as the weeks have gone on, I am beginning to see where lines have been crossed.

I am married, and so is the man I am potentially having an EA with.

We both know we have feelings for each other, we told each other. We flirt, have hugged, had conversations about how "hot" we find each other. Had deep conversations about our marriages and life situations. Equally, we have had many conversations where we have tried to shut this down because we know it's wrong. We've said "this needs to stop" and then had a couple of days NC. We always reach back out to each other in some way.

We have some issues that make complete no contact impossible.
He's my boss. We also serve in the local community together, our families are good friends and we all go on holidays, day trips etc. He has had an affair before, so telling our spouses about this would be devastating, particularly for his wife.

We started a flirty conversation tonight. It ended with us reminding each other that we needed to stop. However, we also then spoke about how we needed to get real and that this isn't as easy to squash as we keep thinking. We always reach back out to each other. I suggested we spoke this through in person, rather than over text. He agreed but we haven't made a plan yet because his wife tracks him on her phone. We want to talk through how we can squash this once and for all.

Be real with me. How is stopping this for good going to actually look? We've never been physically intimate apart from a hug, so I don't worry about this. However, I have to see him once or twice a week or when our families meet for socialising. Total no contact isn't possible. What can I propose we do when we meet for a chat? My head is utterly shot.

You run the risk of not only ruining your personal life but also your professional life as he's your boss and presumably may have influence over your career

I would just grey rock him and be as unattractive to him as possible so it all hopefully fizzles out. Cause you never know how people will react if you split up with them/reject them.

I second pp that the advice from 34876421 is* perfect. *Make the decision for yourself and tell him. It doesnt need a discussion or his agreement.

Your current framing of it as needing to meet in person so you can both agree on how to stop isn't logical: you're creating a possibility of something physical happening that could blow your families apart.

You need to keep in mind he's done this before. You're not that special 'one' to him, so take control and decide what you want for you and your family, then spell out your decision clearly, using "I" not "we".

My friend’s husband was discovered to be having an affair with the wife of a couple who were family friends. The affair couple have been ostracised by all their mutual friends, both their families AND their children don’t speak to them. This is the reality when you decide to have an affair. You jeopardise your entire life, for what? The thrill of it. If you are unhappily married. End your marriage. He has had an affair before and didn’t end his marriage. Do not meet to end it. Just end it.

It's really all in your own hands. You do have agency in your own life.

So. Decide if you want to continue your life as it is - husband, kids, family unit.

Or go for a fantasy and accept the fall-out.

He had something with someone else?

He's a player. And when you get together, he'll be onto his next fling while you are picking up the pieces of your devastated family.
As well as being the town gossip.

Don't let some random decide how to navigate your own life.

Get another job. Loads of vacancies I hear.

You had lots of advice on the other threads you've made. You can go NC. If you're serious about your marriage you'll get another job. Nothing is impossible.
You clearly think it's the love affair of the century though. You both need to grow up.

Your post reads as if you're really enjoying it- as if even writing about it is thrilling. I can't see either of you ending it. It reads like a diary entry by an infatuated teenager. Not an adult with kids. I feel sorry for both your families. Meeting up to 'end it'- what a load of nonsense. Sorry to be harsh- but I feel for everyone else involved.

Oh grow up! If you want a relationship with someone else, end your marriage first, do it properly. Have some respect for your husband and kids.

You're really romanticising what is essentially some middle aged dick lining you up as his next leg over. He's got proof he can get away with it at least once, why not?

You stand to lose a lot in exchange for what's likely to be a few disappointing fumbles. Your job, your marriage, your friends, and the relationship with your kids and wider family would be impacted forever.

If he is being tracked by his wife she is on to him, it's only a matter of time until this blows up in your face and he will be nowhere to be seen.

We've said "this needs to stop" and then had a couple of days NC. We always reach back out to each other

How do you stop? Actions not words. You stop "reaching out". You don't meet up to discuss not meeting up. There's a lot of "we" going on here, take responsibility for your own actions, which might be easier if you could actually realise what's waiting for you all down he track if you don't.

This is not a love story. Get a new job and another hobby.

Start looking for another job, OP. Block his number. Stop doing family trips together. Honestly, I know it's not easy but if you want this to stop you have to do it properly.

So you need to get real with yourself. You are enjoying this (probably also enjoying the thrill of pretending to end it and then starting it up again, the thrill of knowing what’s going on when your families are together etc)

This, imo. If you want to be practical start looking for a new job and tell your DH that you’re worried you’re getting a little too close to your boss and need a change.

Of course you don’t meet up to discuss this.
Definitely look for another job. His wife is already aware of this -don’t fool yourself she is not already finding this humiliating.

This ^^

Why are you posting like its something special? You're just the replacement OW for him. You're nothing. If you stopped he'll easily replace you. Grow up.

If you are flirting and encouraging sexual behaviour whist stone cold sober then you are not in control of this affair.

No sane, sober person would in any way think this is anything but sordid.
Don't be his plaything to use, men will do this throughout their lives, don't be one of those girls that gives in, this isn't a great love affair, it's not special and neither are you.
You would be more special if you denied him his fun.
It's not empowering, it's a lesson in being used.

He's just looking around for the next sap to get his affair thrills.

Other smarter women have shut this shit down.

So snap out of it.

I genuinely don't think he's seeking fun! He's made it clear that he doesn't want to risk his marriage amongst other things. I feel the same way. However, it's a massive struggle to know how to actually move forward without making it obvious to others that something was going on. We both want to bring an end to this before it turns physical, but there's certain triggers that mean we speak again, then flirt, then have another conversation about how this is wrong and we need to stop! It's a stupid vicious cycle at the moment and it's affecting my life.

I cant get over the fact you holiday with your boss. How would you feel if everyone in your circle found out you were doing this. Not just partners but family and freinds if its embarrassed than that's what will happen eventually.

It wasn't just me and my boss, it was our families too. We were friends long before I started working for him.

It wasn't just me and my boss, it was our families too. We were friends long before I started working for him

Yes you're the weak link in the friendship group.

I genuinely don't think he's seeking fun

What is it then, true love on his part, can't help himself because you're so wonderful and desirable. I think you need a reality check, this Boss man wants to make you look weak and your husband a fool, just for fun.

Why do you think he's a boss ? it's in his character to win.

We want to talk through how we can squash this once and for all.
No. That’s a thinly veiled excuse for it to get physical.

Shut down any hint of flirting from him. Be ultra professional yourself. Look for a new job. Shut down any hint of flirting from him. Rinse and repeat.

The pattern can’t keep happening if you don’t engage with it. You have agency, use it.

Why am I the weak link in the friendship? Could you explain?

Beacause he's selfish and you're joining him.

Sounds like you have quite a nice group overlapping work and friendship.

Been there, we used to go away with a couple who worked with us, to destroy that would be doubly cruel and heartless.
You clearly don't respect the others.

You have posted about this before.

If you want something to stop, you will make it stop.
It seems pretty clear neither of you wants it to stop.
I see a big mess ahead.

He’s had an affair before and his wife forgave him yet here he is again. I’ve been through this and it’s absolutely devastating. You really need to put a stop to this and think of everyone else involved