Friend asking what’s wrong, but my awkwardness is because I know she doesn’t like my husband.

[Fabnfifty]

Ok so friend have known for many years came to stay. I know she doesn’t like my husband - a long time ago she used my computer to send an email and left it open on the screen - it was basically telling her partner how much she dislikes my husband. I was horrified but didn’t say anything. I rarely see her as I live overseas, when we do get together I feel awkward about it. She came to stay last week with other friends we had never met. I felt it was kind of my husband to welcome everyone to stay and provide very generous and warm hospitality. My husband is a big personality and an ‘alpha male’. There were a few awkward moments and I could feel she was passing negative judgement. After they left I got a message that she wished we could have had some time alone as she is worried about me. TBH I feel pretty annoyed about it. Her taste in partners is very different to mine. Not sure whether to stay quiet or explain it is she who made me feel awkward, not my husband.

Why do you think your friend is worried about you?

So you read this email a long time ago but have never spoken to her about it?! Wouldn't it be best to clear the air next time you see her?

Regarding spending time alone with you, did you not do that? It is normal to want to spend time without your friend's partner IMO otherwise you can't talk properly.

OTOH, it is rather rude and patronising to say she is worried about you. If she was worried she should have said so at the time. Do you think she has any ground for thinking your partner is abusive?

My husband is a big personality and an ‘alpha male’.

Jeez, I don't like him either and I've never met him! There is something very wrong describing your dh as this and thinking other people will like him.

Be honest say, yes I was reserved this weekend, last time you stayed you left your email open on my laptop and I saw that you have very strong views about my husband, so I felt quite uncomfortable. I should've addressed this before now, but didn't know how to approach it. You have no cause to be concerned about me.

I have a dear friend whose husband and I don’t particularly get on. Overtime we’ve learnt not to force it and we meet up just us. It’s not a judgment on your friend’s choice to dislike their partner. It’s rude to show it and my friend’s husband and I are polite and kind to each other but would never choose to be friends. However my friend is a lifelong, close friend so after years of trying to make it work as we lived far apart now, we instead meet up a couple of times a year for an overnight stay just us. Suits us and suits him too.

For all you know she might have been saying it to prevent her partner getting jealous of yours… or to “prove” she doesn’t like “alpha males”… saying something in an email doesn’t necessarily make it true.

I always say my DH is like marmite. People seen to love him or hate him - no one ever seems to merely be “fond of” or “indifferent” to him! Not a problem for me. I totally love him and my friends who don’t like him that are good enough friends to make the effort, I meet up with without him. He does the same. Friends who like both of us end up “couple friendships”.

My husband is a big personality and an ‘alpha male'

This is not necessarily the positive description you think it is.

If you like her and want to keep the friendship, arrange to meet her without your partner.

If you are happy with things with your DH then that's fine.
She might think he's controlling because he never lets you out of his sight.
Maybe you don't see that side of him and that's fine.
If it works for you then there isn't a problem.
People are entitled to their own opinion.
If she's a friend who has known you for years, maybe she sees that in his company you are quieter or not 'yourself'.
But if you don't feel that then maybe she's projecting something she feels about men onto your DH.

How long was she staying with you? My dh would probably make a point of giving me space to catch up with a friend who was staying over, and I’d do the same for him. It wouldn’t stop him being generous and welcoming, but he’d know my friend would probably like time with just me too.

If this is true then you will know exactly why your friend does not like your husband as it will have been in the email you read. This reads like bull to me

I agree with @RewildingAmbridge , you need to explain why.

I was wondering if I could say that!!!

I also struggle enormously "getting on with" anyone who thinks they are an "alpha male" or acts like one. In my book it wouldn't be a badge of honour....

Yes, that's exactly what I thought, especially coupled with the fact friend is worried.

OP, she's your friend. Just talk to her. Let her tell you what her worries are and explain how you are.

Some red flags in here. What do you mean big personality and alpha male. What you see as a big personality others can see as overly dominant, aggressive and loud. What caused the awkward moments, why would she be worried about you, how is your behaviour. Are you withdrawn or bullied by him?

She meant for you to see that message if it was left open on your pc.

Talk to her. Perhaps she just finds him a bit overwhelming to be around, and that he dominates conversation?

If you could explain the awkward moments it would be helpful. We don't really know if your friend has reason to worry or if your DH is ok.

You mean he is loud, bossy and overbearing? Not my thing either thank you!

Did you have any time with your friend without your husband present?
If not, it's a bit of a red flag.

When my friends come to stay DH hangs around long enough to be polite and welcoming then gladly buggers off to do 'errands' leaving us to chat. I do likewise with his friends.

She might be worried about you for a complete different reason, nothing to do with your husband? I love seeing my friends on their own for a "proper catch up" whether I like their partners or not, and as you say there were other people around as well. What makes you assume it's husband related?

It could be about your health, whether you like where you're living, work - or anything else.

I don't like a few of my friends' husbands. Always because I don't like the way they treat my friend.

She came to stay and brought other friends with her that you didn’t know??
Did you tell your husband about the email at the time?
If you’re happy with your relationship, then I’m not sure I would be so hospitable to her at all.

What makes him an alpha male? Could these features be putting her on edge.
My only experience with self proclaimed alphas has been that they're arses.

I would discuss it with her to clear the air. She doesn't have to like your DH to like you!

I've never heard the descriptions "big personality" and "alpha male" being used other than as figleaves for "misogynist dick who won't shut up".

I’m sure your husband is lovely but I agree with the other PP’s that your description of him is not painting a picture of a man that is easy to get along with.

Might not be the same thing but my DH is lovely, kind, generous, funny and really enjoys having people over BUT usually he’ll get way too excited (only takes two pints), gets louder and louder and attempts to dominate the conversation with jokes and stories and I can well imagine people describing him as having a “loud personality” and not in a good way. Friends that have known him a long time will tell him to shut up and let other people talk which he’ll take in good humour and usually calm down but he can be a nightmare sometimes.

Your friend may be seeing him at his worst which is a shame and I would just be honest about what you’ve read in her email.