Friend asking what’s wrong, but my awkwardness is because I know she doesn’t like my husband.

[Fabnfifty]

Ok so friend have known for many years came to stay. I know she doesn’t like my husband - a long time ago she used my computer to send an email and left it open on the screen - it was basically telling her partner how much she dislikes my husband. I was horrified but didn’t say anything. I rarely see her as I live overseas, when we do get together I feel awkward about it. She came to stay last week with other friends we had never met. I felt it was kind of my husband to welcome everyone to stay and provide very generous and warm hospitality. My husband is a big personality and an ‘alpha male’. There were a few awkward moments and I could feel she was passing negative judgement. After they left I got a message that she wished we could have had some time alone as she is worried about me. TBH I feel pretty annoyed about it. Her taste in partners is very different to mine. Not sure whether to stay quiet or explain it is she who made me feel awkward, not my husband.

Make some time to spend with her alone and listen to what she tells you.

If your DH made it hard for you to be alone together while she was staying, ask yourself why that was.

Sometimes when someone is being controlling we don't recognise it. We see their need to be involved in everything we are doing as coming from a place of love but that isn't always right. The perspective of a long term friend can be invaluable.

Like a PP said upthread, maybe your friend wanted you to see this email. Maybe she wanted your husband to see it to let him know that she knows what he's like.

I'm obviously jumping to conclusions here but your description of him is disconcerting.

An "alpha male" who is "kind" to let YOUR friend stay in YOUR house, sounds like a crashing bore of a husband at best. Have you considered she might be right?

Same here.

Shame about all the negativity about Alpha males on here as I find they make the best partners.

My husband is a big personality and an ‘alpha male’.

TBH, I think I’d be worried about you, as well. I am yet to come across a so-called ‘alpha male’ who wasn’t a sexist bullying arsehole.

"alpha male" normally means loud, obnoxious twat.

What is it you think she dislikes about him?

The belief in the existence of the alpha male is based on dominance hierarchy, in which said male is dominant and the female partner(s) is/are subordinate.

Oddly enough, being subordinate to men isn’t massively appealing to lots of us. Thus, the ‘negativity’.

What does 'alpha male' even mean? I hear the term from self-important men who like the moniker and mistakenly appropriate it as some sort of 'badge' - or from women who like to think that their partners are 'alpha', basking in some sort of reflected glory?

Why didn't you spend time alone with your friend? I don't really like many of my friends' husbands (am equally sure they don't like me very much) & I am always mildly irritated when one friend in particular never seems to be able to meet up without her DH in tow ... even though my DH would never join us. In desperation I once suggested we have a Spa Day ... and guess what ? He turned up too .

I am genuinely very happy not to have 'couple' friends ... been married over 30 years but we keep our friends separate.

You need to speak to your friend and explain you’ve seen the email. Yes it’s awkward but if you value your friendship wouldn’t it be better if you see your friend without your husband present? Or at least minimise the time spent together?

If your DH made it hard for you to be alone together while she was staying, ask yourself why that was.

@Poppinjay did you miss the fact that were other people staying too? It's right there in the OP. This would have made it very difficult for OP and friend to have 'alone time' regardless of DH… It would have been unreasonable to expect the DH to host/entertain people he had never met before while OP and friend went off together.

Of all the times to tell her husband she doesn’t like you husband… she picks the day when for some reason she is using your computer 😂

Has the OP not returned to the thread yet?

@Fabnfifty It would be helpful if you could expand a bit by what you mean by My husband is a big personality and an ‘alpha male’. as, like so many others that doesn't really sound like a positive description of someone, to me.

Also, perhaps expand a bit on There were a few awkward moments and I could feel she was passing negative judgement. as none of us can know if your friend is being ungrateful and rather rude or if your friend can just see so much about your dh that makes her worried about you, as she has an outside perspective.

I do think it odd, if an old friend of yours comes to stay, that your dh is there all the time. Not that normal in my experience. Perhaps that in itself is what concerns your friend. Although it does seem like there is more to this.

Did you not spend time without your DH as you knew he would not approve?
It's a bit odd to bring others you don't know along with her, were you aware she was bringing them
From the way you describe your DH I think your friend finds him overbearing and IMO it is rude of you to not see your friend alone, especially as she'd come from another country

A big personality and an alpha male - not exactly difficult to see why she dislikes him.