Friend asking what’s wrong, but my awkwardness is because I know she doesn’t like my husband.

[Fabnfifty]

Ok so friend have known for many years came to stay. I know she doesn’t like my husband - a long time ago she used my computer to send an email and left it open on the screen - it was basically telling her partner how much she dislikes my husband. I was horrified but didn’t say anything. I rarely see her as I live overseas, when we do get together I feel awkward about it. She came to stay last week with other friends we had never met. I felt it was kind of my husband to welcome everyone to stay and provide very generous and warm hospitality. My husband is a big personality and an ‘alpha male’. There were a few awkward moments and I could feel she was passing negative judgement. After they left I got a message that she wished we could have had some time alone as she is worried about me. TBH I feel pretty annoyed about it. Her taste in partners is very different to mine. Not sure whether to stay quiet or explain it is she who made me feel awkward, not my husband.

I wonder if she's seen some red flags in your DH's behaviour and she purposely left that email open so you'd see it, as a way of broaching her concerns. Because you haven't said anything, she's now trying to raise it again. I think you should have an honest conversation with her. It may mean the end of the friendship if neither of you likes what the other says, but it doesn't sound like you spend that much time with each other so maybe it's for the best.

God, yes -- this a thousand times. It sounds to me as if you're irritated she's worried about you, but is it possible she sees you deforming yourself or simply being squashed out of shape by his 'big personality' and overbearing ways?

Agree with others, OP - to me, 'big personality' and 'alpha male' = loud, full of himself, arrogant, has to be centre of attention and get his own way. I wouldn't like someone like that either, and I might well worry about his partner.

It's is really odd that you had friends staying and your husband's personality was so big you didn't get any time alone with your friend. I'd probably he worried too.

When you say the email thing is a long time ago do you mean years/a decade plus? I'm basing that on it being very unusual this day to send an email to a partner from a friends computer when 99% of people would just message their partner from their own phone instead. If it was comparatively recently then the only reason to do that would be intentionally for you to see it. In which case if she's now tried again to say she wished she could have spoken to you on her own and she's worried about you then I think you need to directly address this with her as its clearly an issue for her.

It doesn't have to be a big/angry discussion, just say "look its very apparent that you don't like DH and that's fine, we are all different and some personality types don't get on, but I get the impression you think that I'm at risk or unhappy or something and I want to make clear that that's not the case, I love DH and we are really happy together. I appreciate you are looking out for me as a friend but I'm concerned you might be imposing your own feelings about DH. Please accept that I'm happy and safe in my relationship."

I think you need to say it directly and face to face so she get the message and doesn't think dh is pressuring you to say it or anything.

How long did your friend stay for? Did you not spend any time alone with her? Did she ask if you could?

She sounds jealous and petty. I would dump her.

Is it possible that your friend was worried about you then and left the email for you to find on purpose to see if you wanted to talk?

I thought everyone liked my husband and was a bit worried about announcing I had decided to divorce, so I was shocked when everyone said “thank god, I’ve been biting my tongue for years”

I wonder if people had shared their views earlier I would have realised sooner in the relationship that he really was the massive twat I suspected

You'll find that a lot of people don't like 'alpha males' or even the concept of them.
My personal view is that the term is an excuse for misogynist fragility.

Her using your computer to send an email slagging your husband off then leaving it on screen is also soap opera level. I've never needed to send me partner an urgent email while at a friends house 🤔

I find it odd that she would go to the trouble of sending an email to tell another that she doesn’t like your husband. Most normal people just say things like that in small talk.

It makes me think that maybe she does like your husband too much, or else her partner thought that she did and she was trying to downplay it.

@BobbyBobbyBobby who on earth would be jealous of a ‘big personality alpha male’? 😄

I felt it was kind of my husband to welcome everyone to stay and provide very generous and warm hospitality
Surely you were both doing that so why single him out? You sound unusually grateful to him for doing something which is actually fairly ordinary.

After they left I got a message that she wished we could have had some time alone as she is worried about me
How long was she staying? I find it very odd that the two of you had no time alone together at all. Why not?

I suspect that she is worried about you because your husband has such a big 'alpha male' personality that you have been completely ground down by it, and you are a shadow of your former self. You can't see it, but she can.

Her using your computer to send an email slagging your husband off then leaving it on screen is almost soap opera level drama. I've never needed to send me partner an urgent email while at a friends house 🤔

Weird, my first comment didn't post until I posted again 😏

@Fabnfifty you don't really explain who the other friends are, that does make a difference I think because presumably your DH was trying to be a good host to people he didn't know? Normally I would agree with PPs wondering why you and friend didn't get any time alone together, but the whole dynamic is very different if you had other guests as well. It wouldn't have been very fair to go off with friend and leave DH hosting people he had never met.

Next time she visits suggest she finds a hotel or airbnb. If I found an email my 'friend' had written slagging off my husband I wouldn't be in a rush to host them again.

What did her email say?

What do you mean by Alpha Male?

Were all the guests female? Did DH hang around you all the whole time?

If you know that she doesn't like your husband why did she come to stay again?

And with people that you don't know??

Why didn’t you get time alone together? That’s odd. Maybe she is worried his controlling you being as she can’t get one afternoon of you away from him???

Just say ‘oh I feel awkward sometimes because I know you don’t like DH much’ if she asks why you say that say ‘I feel conflicted about this because I saw an E mail you left open on my computer after you used it. I mean, it’s ok, you don’t have to like him, and you are fully entitled to your feelings, it just feels strange sometimes’

You never know, she might have got to know him a bit better and be getting on with him in a ‘warts and all’ sort of way. People do mellow their opinion of people.

And the opposite, of course.

Your friend travelled from her home country to yours to see you, and you didn’t have any alone time with her? That’s incredibly rude of both you and your husband (particularly as you know she dislikes your husband). Ask yourself what really happened here. Why didn’t you have alone time with her? Why didn’t your husband give the two of you space to reconnect? Why didn’t you tell him “ok thanks for dinner, girl time now!” and go elsewhere? In every country in the world it’s usual for women to have some ‘girls only’ time without men there.

The most likely scenario is that you didn’t seek alone time with her because you knew that your husband would complain to you if you did. If that’s the situation then you’re in an unhealthy, controlling relationship and yoh just haven’t recognised that yet.

There are many men who dominate a gathering, talk loudly and interrupt others, and try to scare away their wife’s friends so that she is socially isolated and depends solely on him. Possibly you are married to a man like this. Possibly this is why your friend worries about you and is reaching out to you. Possibly you are in denial about it.

Or, perhaps you aren’t being controlled by your husband, in which case you’ve just been incredibly rude to a friend who’d gone to a lot of trouble and expense to see you.

I don’t know if you’re dominanted, or merely rude, but neither is good.

Tbh an "alpha male" is totally my thing, if he's not yours doesn't mean it's a red flag (to those saying it's a red flag, not OP).
My DH is a total alpha male, but is totally kind loving and caring and does everything he can for me. It's not a side of himthat a lot of people see, as they don't need to, but the ones who count see it.

What were her complaints against him? Does he override you? Constantly interrupt you? Make fun of you? Belittle you?

To be honest I’d either speak to my friend and say how hurtful it is and you saw the email or I would fizzle out the friendship and not have them stay again.

A lot of people/friends don’t like my husband, he’s very aloof around people and a lot of my friends think he’s rude, the reality is he’s painfully shy and very uncertain in social situations, the friends who have stuck around can now actually see past his shyness and have become involved in our social circle.