Elderly parent moving in…

[Extensionwoes123]

I have a bog standard 3 bed house. I’ve had plans for years to get a loft extension and build a garden office, but not been able to afford it.

i have suggested to my elderly parent that they could sell their house and pay for it, and move in with me as I’d have loads of space. They agreed.

my sister has said I could be in trouble with tax/inheritance/social services as if the parent becomes unable to use the stairs or becomes more infirm the house wouldn’t be suitable, and they’d have to move into a care home.

is she right? I have a suspicion she’s just worried about her inheritance, but I can’t afford to be landed with a big tax bill if she is..

Sounds to me like you’ve nicked your sister’s inheritance by persuading an 80yr old.

😕

Yes you could get into legal trouble. But I think I’d rather advise your sister than you.

I think people underestimate how difficult it is providing care.

Its not all sunshine and rainbows and looking after your much loved parents.

My dad has dementia. It has progressed at an astonishing rate. At the beginning I didn’t want him to go into a home. So he came to stay with us.

It lasted a month. In that time, he started a fire in the kitchen, got my car keys and tried to drive off, and almost caused and accident which could have harmed my baby. That was with me and dh keeping 24/7 watch which started to make us both ill.

The stress of cleaning up his excrement and trying to get him to wash was enormous.

I would never say to anyone to be prepared to look after their parents. It can go very wrong, very fast and the toll it takes is something you never get over.

If I was your sister I’d be on to duty social work reporting how you were financially abusing your parents.

You are taking huge amounts of money off them to better your house/ life and that’s all you care about. What a piece of work and I hope your sister is getting legal advice.

I just can’t fathom a family getting this far with an arrangement without all siblings being part of the arrangement.

Why wasn’t your sister part of a discussion with your parents about their future and needs?

How come you never mentioned this to your sister at planning stage?

It sounds dysfunctional at best and like financial abuse at worst.

And even if innocent, why did it take your sister to raise the important legal and financial questions? You never thought of any of this while your parents were busy transferring thousands into your bank account?

Greedy, grabby and very underhand. Coercive and sneaky. Sickening.

If I were your sister, I’d be livid!
You get an extension and she gets nothing as your parents would have already given you all their money!

Your sister is pissed because you are using the money to increase the value and desirability of your own house. There is nothing on any of your posts about wanting to care for your parents or make the house disabled friendly so they can stay until they pass away. Your sole motivation is to get your building work paid for.

If there would be enough money to pay for care fees then deprivation of assets wouldn't come into it.

It could mean you having to take on care fees though if the money runs out.

That might still be less money than your parent is investing in your property though, even bearing in mind that fees can easily be 1,000 per week.

Wouldn't your parent be better off in a sheltered accomodation though?

Or a bungalow or flat?

Your post does make it seem that you are driving this solely to get an extension that you couldn't otherwise afford.

If I were your sister I'd be worried about coercion tbh.

Sheltered accommodation with a care facility linked is the way to go.

A POA can give you the power to make decisions on their behalf if permission is given by the donor. They don't have to have lost capacity. DH and his brother had POA for their mother's affairs, to deal with the sale of her property when she downsized, banking, etc, because she asked them to do it after their step father died and she didn't want to do it. Al decisions were made by her but she just didn't want to have to deal with all the admin/legal stuff.

A friend also had POA for her son who was working overseas on a long term contract so she could deal with the renting out of his home in the UK and also deal with banks, ulilty companies, etc, on his behalf.

If your parents have mental capacity to make these decisions then it's up to them. If they don't then you really need to try and have your sister on board. They need to have capacity to award an LPA. If they lose capacity and your sister feels that you are not acting in their best interests she can complain to adult social care and or the office of the public guardian and they will investigate. If they are happy you have acted in your parents interests and not your own you will be fine.

Assuming capacity, can you all sit down together and hash things out? For example me and my sisters will not be getting an equal inheritance as one of my sisters gave up her job to be full time carer for my mother. The consequences for her are not as simple as the loss of x years of y income. She will get my parents house if not used for care. This is not a problem for us. She looked after them, they provide security for her later. Perhaps look at getting specialist advice with your parents and your sister.

Do your parents understand what they will be contributing towards your home improvements and are they legitimately being done to accommodate your parents and their needs? Will that be the end of their financial contribution or will you also be taking something for rent, utilities, food etc?

When someone moves in with you there are extra costs. There needs to be ample space for you to all live there comfortably. Things should be done with changes in mobility etc in mind. If my parents were moving in with a sister and I had no reason to question her motives other than wanting to care for them then I would be fine with my parents paying for changes to be made that benefit them.

It would only be deprivation of assets if it were done with the purpose or knowledge that you were depriving funds from the council in order to pay less towards care fees. If the decision is being made in order to meet their current and hopefully future needs for a while then it's not deprivation.

Living with elderly parents is much harder than most people realise and it takes a toll. Are you happy to do this for many years while they potentially decline physically and mentally? Are you happy to have them be doubly incontinent and smearing faeces on the wall in the future, to have carers in and out of your house to spend hours trying to get through to GP and other services for them? Similarly to having kids some people are unaware how much they impact your life. Not everyone is able or willing to do it. I've seen cases where elderly parents/ aunties/ uncles have done things like this with the promise that they will be living together and looked after only to be booted out when it starts getting difficult and or funds have dried up. Equally there are cases where it works and is very nice and finds are needed as the younger parties don't have the ability meet their needs otherwise.

You can bet @Extensionwoes123 does not intend to provide 24/7 care. Once they get difficult to handle she will be putting them in a home.

Seems to me that you are the only one who is going to benefit financially from this arrangement, but clearly that was your plan from the start.

Wow. That's disgraceful. I really hope this all comes back to bite you and legally it definitely will.

You need to talk to a solicitor as there are so many financial implication, including gifting, inheritance tax and possible legal challenges from your sister if you are in Scotland .

She's not interested, she just wants to have her way.

I can't believe your DM would agree to living with you as she becomes older and frailer, especially with the potential for you to do more and more for her, increasingly impacting your freedom and quality of life.
That's quite a sacrifice you could be making in your prime years.
And she's happy for you to make it?! Indefinitely?

Do you really not understand your sister's POV?

Basically in the best case scenario where your parents remain healthy and don't need to go into a home, you benefit from an extended home on top of 50% other assets

In the situation where your parents spend their money on a care home, you benefit from the extended home and your sister doesn't even get 50% of the remainder.

Either way, you end up with more.

No she can't stop you screwing her over but you have to live with the consequences to your family relationships

Some parents expect it. They want their children to put their lives on hold to look after them.

My father did. In his lucid moments he still blames me for letting him go into a care home, he hates me for it.

Why wouldn't you want her to get her share of the inheritance?

Why dont your parents just sell their big house, downsize to a flat which will be more manageable for them as they are getting older and gift you and your sister money. You just want an extension and have persuaded them to pay for it .

When my father moved in, I absolutely refused to have any of his money wrapped up in my house for this reason. No way would I want any question of being advantaged hanging between me and siblings. I was also clear that if a condition requiring proper nursing care kicked in, a care or nursing home would be needed and that I couldn’t manage that. And btw, taking care of old folk, demented or non demented, is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I scream with frustration when I hear friends saying they might do the same because they think it makes them look good. They have no idea.

If you have loads of space why do you need a loft extension and a garden room. Is this all just a load of bs.

Meggriffinshat appalling. It's not what any decent parent nearing the end of their life wants for their busy DC in the prime of theirs with jobs and families and opportunities of their own surely.
It must negatively change your opinion of your parent forever.

Your DS should take your parents to a solicitor. Insist they are protected should you die / decide to sell / be unavailable to keep your property.
Your parents need it spelled out to them the huge risk they are taking funding your build . You should be encouraging your sister to take your parents for legal advice and you should pay for it .