Red flag or worth pursuing?

ForeverDating22 · 2022-11-04T11:25:31+00:00

I’ll start off by saying I’m exhausted with dating. I’m mid 30s and really want to settle down. Met a lovely professional man around 3 months ago, we’ve seen each other every few days and going well. He told me straight away he had one dc but wasn’t very forthcoming about it, so I didn’t pry too much. Obviously as we’ve got closer I’ve asked more about it… turns out dc is 2 and he’s never met them. I asked why and he said he fell out with his ex, they were only together two years and he was never sure if dc was his. He does pay maintenance though (specifically asked!!). I found this quite odd and asked around it more and he said he does find it upsetting but can’t bring himself to have to deal with his ex partner as she was verbally abusive and made life very stressful for him. He said he tried to get in touch via lawyers before the birth but she was antagonist about it, demanding they spoke privately rather than through lawyers, and so he sensed she wanted the relationship back rather than wanting to do the right thing for the dc. I kind of get this as you wouldn’t want to have to talk to someone when the relationship is done. I’m too scared to tell my friends as I know they’ll say run…but we’ve had the best time the last few months, he seems so genuine and caring and just a really decent bloke. Why is there always a snag?! My worry is I’m 35, if I get this one wrong I could be late 30s starting again and I’m feeling a bit distraught at the thought. Not sure what to do.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 04/11/2022 11:28

"He said he tried to get in touch via lawyers before the birth but she was antagonist about it, demanding they spoke privately rather than through lawyers, and so he sensed she wanted the relationship back rather than wanting to do the right thing for the dc."

He tried to get in touch via lawyers?
He sensed she wanted the relationship back?

FFS what a loser this man is.

ABrotherWhoLooksLikeHellMugYou · 04/11/2022 11:28

Can you just br honest with him? Say basically what you've said here: you like him, but his lack of connection with an existing child is a concern and you'd like to know more because XYZ

His reaction will probably tell you whether it's a red flag or not I would imagine.

It's a bit shit or bust as an approach, but it sounds like you kind of feel that way anyway

Original poster

ForeverDating22 · 04/11/2022 11:30

RelentlessForwardProgress · 04/11/2022 11:28

"He said he tried to get in touch via lawyers before the birth but she was antagonist about it, demanding they spoke privately rather than through lawyers, and so he sensed she wanted the relationship back rather than wanting to do the right thing for the dc."

He tried to get in touch via lawyers?
He sensed she wanted the relationship back?

FFS what a loser this man is.

@RelentlessForwardProgress no sorry should have said he DID get in touch by lawyers and she was responsive but said she wouldn’t agree anything unless they spoke directly… so I can see she was being quite intense and probably wanted a way in to speak to him? That’s how he felt anyway and like I say he does seem genuine…

OP posts:

Original poster

ForeverDating22 · 04/11/2022 11:31

ABrotherWhoLooksLikeHellMugYou · 04/11/2022 11:28

Can you just br honest with him? Say basically what you've said here: you like him, but his lack of connection with an existing child is a concern and you'd like to know more because XYZ

His reaction will probably tell you whether it's a red flag or not I would imagine.

It's a bit shit or bust as an approach, but it sounds like you kind of feel that way anyway

@ABrotherWhoLooksLikeHellMugYou I’ve said it concerns me as I’d like a family… he said he was unsure if he wanted more dc which is obviously another conversation. I’m just sad this has come up as we were getting on great and thought it had potential.

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pilates · 04/11/2022 11:35

Some of what he said isn’t adding up.

If he didn’t think the child was his why is he paying maintenance? If he had doubts, wouldn’t you ask for a DNA?

Don’t settle just because of your age.

Discovereads · 04/11/2022 11:36

I don’t think it’s a red flag. Most people by their mid30s will have past serious relationships, at least one of which will have parted on bad terms with rows & verbal abuse. So his experience as he has related it is not uncommon. You’d be hard pressed to find a anyone single in their mid30s without a history that involves a difficult relationship.

The real question is whether you trust him enough to believe his version of events. I think it is a good sign that he’s not constantly slagging off his ex as you’ve said he doesn’t like to talk about her as it’s upsetting. A man who constantly brings up an ex and goes on rants about how awful she is, is a man not to be trusted imho.

Lack of contact with a child that may not be his own at the request of the mother while also paying full maintenance also shows a level of respect for his ex and a desire to do the decent thing. A red flag would be a man who refuses to pay maintenance and then uses nonpayment of it as a weapon to gain access to the DC against the mothers wishes.

Original poster

ForeverDating22 · 04/11/2022 11:39

pilates · 04/11/2022 11:35

Some of what he said isn’t adding up.

If he didn’t think the child was his why is he paying maintenance? If he had doubts, wouldn’t you ask for a DNA?

Don’t settle just because of your age.

@pilates i think he did one at the point of CMS, so it was clarified x

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Heatherjayne1972 · 04/11/2022 11:40

If he’s ‘not sure’ he wants a family I’d end it

you do want kids -And you don’t have the luxury of time while he decides

it does sound like a fishy story - why didn’t he get a dna test done? Why is he paying maintenance if he’s not 100%!sure he’s the dad.?

Flyingbye · 04/11/2022 11:40

"I kind of get this as you wouldn’t want to have to talk to someone when the relationship is done."

Well, kinda, but wouldn't you try if the consequence of not doing so was that you never got to meet your child? He's picked never meeting his son. I would be very cautious with this man. Even if he's being completely truthful (which of course you want to believe) he is not showing that he can manage challenges in a healthy and adult way.

CourtAppointedHairdresser · 04/11/2022 11:41

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Original poster

ForeverDating22 · 04/11/2022 11:41

Discovereads · 04/11/2022 11:36

I don’t think it’s a red flag. Most people by their mid30s will have past serious relationships, at least one of which will have parted on bad terms with rows & verbal abuse. So his experience as he has related it is not uncommon. You’d be hard pressed to find a anyone single in their mid30s without a history that involves a difficult relationship.

The real question is whether you trust him enough to believe his version of events. I think it is a good sign that he’s not constantly slagging off his ex as you’ve said he doesn’t like to talk about her as it’s upsetting. A man who constantly brings up an ex and goes on rants about how awful she is, is a man not to be trusted imho.

Lack of contact with a child that may not be his own at the request of the mother while also paying full maintenance also shows a level of respect for his ex and a desire to do the decent thing. A red flag would be a man who refuses to pay maintenance and then uses nonpayment of it as a weapon to gain access to the DC against the mothers wishes.

@Discovereads thanks, im hoping very much that it’s that side of things! He seems pretty genuine about it and once cms contacted he said he just paid and that was that. I like him so much I’m curious about his child and sort of want to meet them myself!! I don’t think I could have dc with him if he didn’t meet his other dc… there would be a half sibling they didn’t know which doesn’t sit well with me. But I’m getting ahead of the game there.

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Discovereads · 04/11/2022 11:43

If he’s ‘not sure’ he wants a family I’d end it
you do want kids -And you don’t have the luxury of time while he decides

I agree with this. Almost always “not sure” means “don’t want”
So it doesn’t matter about red flag herrings from prior relationships, trustworthiness and what not, the real elephant in the room is you want children, and he doesn’t.

Original poster

ForeverDating22 · 04/11/2022 11:43

Flyingbye · 04/11/2022 11:40

"I kind of get this as you wouldn’t want to have to talk to someone when the relationship is done."

Well, kinda, but wouldn't you try if the consequence of not doing so was that you never got to meet your child? He's picked never meeting his son. I would be very cautious with this man. Even if he's being completely truthful (which of course you want to believe) he is not showing that he can manage challenges in a healthy and adult way.

@Flyingbye yep I thought this but then again if SHE had the DC’s best interests at heart surely she would have made arrangements via the lawyers anyway? So I get his suspicion. I think he seemed fearful she would find a way in to verbally abuse him again. He’s pretty reserved and quiet so I reckon wouldn’t cope well with aggression (and arguably shouldn’t have to!)

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dollyblack · 04/11/2022 11:45

I can't understand someone who wouldn't want to -and fight to- know their child. I'd not be happy to pursue this.

pilates · 04/11/2022 11:45

Ok, so the child is definitely his and he is paying maintenance but no contact. That would put me off tbh. It’s cold and cruel. 🚩

jay55 · 04/11/2022 11:46

They were together 2 years and he fucked off and never saw the baby, that's not like a one night stand situation.

BobbyBobbyBobby · 04/11/2022 11:47

The child is only two so his finances are going to be tied up paying maintenance for at least the next 16 years which may have an impact on you if you are both not earning much and want to start your own family.

Original poster

ForeverDating22 · 04/11/2022 11:48

@pilates it is cold but I have been in an abusive relationship and sometimes you have to protect yourself so I do see that side too

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RelentlessForwardProgress · 04/11/2022 11:49

"@RelentlessForwardProgress no sorry should have said he DID get in touch by lawyers and she was responsive but said she wouldn’t agree anything unless they spoke directly… so I can see she was being quite intense and probably wanted a way in to speak to him? That’s how he felt anyway and like I say he does seem genuine…"

I'm sure he seems genuine in that he believes his side of the story, but he side of the story still shows him to be an absolute shit, doesn't it?

He pays child support (which he has to by law) but does not see a child who by his version of events, is in sole custody of a woman he says is verbally abusive.

If you thought your child was with an abusive parent, ask yourself honestly, wouldn't you be up day and night trying to have as much time and influence over the child as possible to try and mitigate the harm of having an abusive parent?

I'm much older than you, and if I had a pound for every man he'd met who doesn't see his children because the mother is apparently crazy in some way, I'd be very rich indeed. Its strange because I never seem to come across many abusive single mothers in real life, mostly just women raising kids alone because the bloke can't be arsed.

Honestly, raise your bar woman. The moment a bloke told me they had a child they didn't see i'd be off. Why on earth are you making excuses for him? Find a decent man who doesn't think this is acceptable behaviour.

Mardyface · 04/11/2022 11:49

My feeling is than men with:

stressful, unreasonable exes
children they don't see

Are to be avoided. You can fudge it all you want but either he has left his offspring at the mercy of an abusive parent or he is lying/misrepresenting and I know where my money is. I've seen it played out many times.

Discovereads · 04/11/2022 11:59

@RelentlessForwardProgress
I'm sure he seems genuine in that he believes his side of the story, but he side of the story still shows him to be an absolute shit, doesn't it? He pays child support (which he has to by law) but does not see a child who by his version of events, is in sole custody of a woman he says is verbally abusive. If you thought your child was with an abusive parent, ask yourself honestly, wouldn't you be up day and night trying to have as much time and influence over the child as possible to try and mitigate the harm of having an abusive parent?

An abusive partner isnt automatically also an abusive parent. There’s a world of difference between being verbally abusive to an adult compared to verbally abusive towards a child. So I’m not sure you can assume his ex is abusing their child.

Tillow4ever · 04/11/2022 12:02

So he was with her for 2 years, she was abusive but he managed to escape conveniently around the time she fell pregnant with his child. That you say has been confirmed as his by a DNA test.

Sounds more like he left her because she fell pregnant and chose to keep the baby.

He's made it clear he doesn't want children - if he did he's find a way to be involved with his existing child. Especially if his ex really was abusive - he would want to protect his child from that!

I'd run a mile.

Original poster

ForeverDating22 · 04/11/2022 12:11

@Tillow4ever two years isn’t a huge amount of time though. I might suggest he makes contact. Urgh probably going to be back to the drawing board again aren’t i

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pompomsontheedge · 04/11/2022 12:58

Fuck him off now

Tillow4ever · 04/11/2022 13:00

ForeverDating22 · 04/11/2022 12:11

@Tillow4ever two years isn’t a huge amount of time though. I might suggest he makes contact. Urgh probably going to be back to the drawing board again aren’t i

No it isn't, but I find it extremely coincidental that she happened to be pregnant right after he left her, and then he's made it clear he's not interested in children.