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Original poster

Red flag or worth pursuing?

68 replies

ForeverDating22 · 04/11/2022 11:25

I’ll start off by saying I’m exhausted with dating. I’m mid 30s and really want to settle down. Met a lovely professional man around 3 months ago, we’ve seen each other every few days and going well. He told me straight away he had one dc but wasn’t very forthcoming about it, so I didn’t pry too much. Obviously as we’ve got closer I’ve asked more about it… turns out dc is 2 and he’s never met them. I asked why and he said he fell out with his ex, they were only together two years and he was never sure if dc was his. He does pay maintenance though (specifically asked!!). I found this quite odd and asked around it more and he said he does find it upsetting but can’t bring himself to have to deal with his ex partner as she was verbally abusive and made life very stressful for him. He said he tried to get in touch via lawyers before the birth but she was antagonist about it, demanding they spoke privately rather than through lawyers, and so he sensed she wanted the relationship back rather than wanting to do the right thing for the dc. I kind of get this as you wouldn’t want to have to talk to someone when the relationship is done.

I’m too scared to tell my friends as I know they’ll say run…but we’ve had the best time the last few months, he seems so genuine and caring and just a really decent bloke. Why is there always a snag?! My worry is I’m 35, if I get this one wrong I could be late 30s starting again and I’m feeling a bit distraught at the thought. Not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Tillow4ever · 04/11/2022 13:04

PS I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship, and haven't had the strength to leave after almost 20 years. This is why I am skeptical

Original poster
ForeverDating22 · 04/11/2022 13:08

It’s so hard at this age as everyone has a history. It’s just trying to work out which history means red flags and which is just unfortunate.

OP posts:
Cw112 · 04/11/2022 13:09

I'm always a little wary of the 'crazy ex' thing because often they're 'crazy' for a reason. The reason usually being the way they were treated before. But that's one for gut instinct because he could be genuine. I would say the major red flag for me here is that you are clear you want children and he's unsure if he does and isn't overly involved with the child he already has. That for me would be the follow up question: do you see yourself having more kids in x years and if so how many. If that lines up with what you want, you feel he's treating you well and your gut is feeling he's a good guy then great. If he says no or he's unsure then I wouldn't be pursuing the relationship. Don't settle based on age. I met my dh in our 30s and he was well worth the wait and I'm so glad I didn't settle for less before he came along. If you're worried about family planning you could look into other options like egg freezing etc to take the pressure off while you keep getting out to meet new people. As the saying goes much better standing freely on the shelf than locked into the wrong cupboard.

Original poster
ForeverDating22 · 04/11/2022 13:12

@Cw112 he never used the word crazy. Just said verbally abusive. I think it’s quite brutal to leave someone in pregnancy so I assume he’s being honest that she wasn’t very nice to him. So sick of dating only to find yet another issue.

OP posts:
Mardyface · 04/11/2022 13:14

I understand this is disappointing OP. On its own a verbally abusive ex could be argued away and may be an accurate description. But in conjunction with a child he never sees the red flags are waving I'm afraid and that's what you asked. You can choose to ignore them if you want, but they are there.

Evasmissingletter · 04/11/2022 13:33

Even if she was verbally abusive to him there are still ways he could have contact with his child and minimum contact with the mum. Apart from paying what he is legally obliged to he’s basically fucked off and shirked all parenting responsibility. Raise your bar OP.

Original poster
ForeverDating22 · 04/11/2022 13:36

@Evasmissingletter yeah it makes me really uncomfortable that he’s paying but not interested in actually knowing his dc. I guess I don’t know anyone who has done that so have no frame of reference for it.

OP posts:
Charlieiscool · 04/11/2022 13:41

If you want to have a child then he is not the person to parent with. Forget it. You will be another ex bringing up a child alone. If you just want to be with him and not have a family then it’s up to you, it might be ok as you enjoy being with him so much but honestly, bringing a baby into the world knowing it will be rejected by its father - just don’t!

WhenDovesFly · 04/11/2022 13:47

Tillow4ever · 04/11/2022 12:02

So he was with her for 2 years, she was abusive but he managed to escape conveniently around the time she fell pregnant with his child. That you say has been confirmed as his by a DNA test.

Sounds more like he left her because she fell pregnant and chose to keep the baby.

He's made it clear he doesn't want children - if he did he's find a way to be involved with his existing child. Especially if his ex really was abusive - he would want to protect his child from that!

I'd run a mile.

I agree with this. This man doesn't want more DC (forget 'not sure' he's saying he doesn't want them). If you do want a family then I'd move on to the next one OP.

itsybitzy · 04/11/2022 13:53

If you want children and he doesn't then stop wasting time on him. Get out there and find someone who wants what you want.

Ingrainedagainstthegrain · 04/11/2022 13:55

A good man would have pursued it. Let him go.

Original poster
ForeverDating22 · 04/11/2022 13:55

I’m not so set on children above meeting someone I get on with. Just want to be with someone decent .

OP posts:
Ingrainedagainstthegrain · 04/11/2022 13:56

A red flag would be a man who refuses to pay maintenance and then uses nonpayment of it as a weapon to gain access to the DC against the mothers wishes.

Good grief. What a race to the bottom.

Original poster
ForeverDating22 · 04/11/2022 14:01

@Ingrainedagainstthegrain he did just pay when the claim was put in and dna done

OP posts:
OOvavuuu · 04/11/2022 14:03

Mardyface · 04/11/2022 11:49

My feeling is than men with:

stressful, unreasonable exes
children they don't see

Are to be avoided. You can fudge it all you want but either he has left his offspring at the mercy of an abusive parent or he is lying/misrepresenting and I know where my money is. I've seen it played out many times.

Yep, exactly this.

OOvavuuu · 04/11/2022 14:06

Please, from someone who ignored the red flags and is now a single parent to two littles ones, I would nip it in the bud and find someone who wants to start a family.

Avastmehearties · 04/11/2022 14:08

I'm your age and until recently was pig sick of dating, worried about missing my chance to have a family etc, considering settling. I wouldn't get involved with this bloke.

A) you want someone who wants children at this stage, or at least a genuine 'happy either way'. Obviously after a couple of months he couldn't say that's definitely with you but you don't want someone undecided in principle. How and when would you bring it up and decide when enough waiting is enough? You'd be relying on yourself to persuade him and frankly, mid 30s isn't the time to suck it and see.

B) he's shown himself to be a negligent father. He is either allowing his child to live with an abusive woman (he doesn't know whether she will.or won't mistreat the child), or can't be arsed. He gave up at the first hurdle of communications. It's all her fault, nothing here he's admitting to doing wrong. He could have pursued this through the courts. She doesn't have the right to just say 'no', that's not how it works. He simply hasn't bothered.

From someone who really understands the challenges of dating, the bio clock etc, I would keep looking.

By all means, have an extremely frank conversation first. You've nothing to lose. But he's been very clear in my view about his failings. Not up to you to change him and I don't think it says much about him if he pursues contact because a new girlfriend tells him to, rather than because he wants to and it's the right thing to do.

I note you bending the narrative here because you really don't want to go online again. I get it. But 2 years was a substantial relationship that produced a child, not some one nighter that he can walk away from.

Original poster
ForeverDating22 · 04/11/2022 14:11

He definitely feels he was tricked into it as it was a mistake… referred to it as ‘unexpected by him’ many times. All seemed strange.

OP posts:
Mymoneydontjigglejiggle · 04/11/2022 14:14

Ha, what's the best they were actively ttc and he panicked and bailed at the sight of the positive pregnancy test? Sorry op but he sounds absolutely full of shit. Anyway, even if everything he has said IS true, it's no good for you is it? You want kids and now you know that he a) does not and b) will bail if you fall unexpectedly pregnant. Unless you're happy to be child-free or a single mum or just want to date him casually I'd not bother.

hugefanofcheese · 04/11/2022 14:25

This is classic line after classic line, she tricked him, is crazy, wouldn't let him see the baby. I suppose there's a chance all or some of it could be true but has he ever reflected on what he could still, or could have done differently or is it all her fault?

Original poster
ForeverDating22 · 04/11/2022 14:28

hugefanofcheese · 04/11/2022 14:25

This is classic line after classic line, she tricked him, is crazy, wouldn't let him see the baby. I suppose there's a chance all or some of it could be true but has he ever reflected on what he could still, or could have done differently or is it all her fault?

@hugefanofcheese he didn’t really say anything was ‘her fault,’ he didn’t mention her much at all to be fair, just that he got a lawyer to write to her before she had dc and she replied saying she would only discuss things with him if he contacted her directly to be amicable. He said he just wanted to go down a formal route as he was fed up of her verbal abuse… so I can see his side, almost like she was manipulating him into contact with her that he didn’t want? Which does make her sound controlling. But I agree he could have just tried it or written again if he was bothered…I guess the bottom line is that he wasn’t bothered at all.

OP posts:
BobbyBobbyBobby · 04/11/2022 14:31

ForeverDating22 · 04/11/2022 14:11

He definitely feels he was tricked into it as it was a mistake… referred to it as ‘unexpected by him’ many times. All seemed strange.

Dump him for that reason alone!

Any man that says he was tricked into impregnating a woman is an idiot as he is perfectly capable of ensuring he takes precautions rather than leaving it all up to a woman to prevent pregnancy.

He seems like a sly person who always gives what he thinks is an excuse for something going wrong when in reality he is just feckless.

YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER.

Doingmybest12 · 04/11/2022 14:34

Let's face it he can tell you anything and it could be true or not. He has told you this information and it is making you feel uneasy. You would know if it all feels like it stacks up, I think you are torn because you are at a point in your life to settle down and so you are wanting to make it feel ok but your gut I'd saying no. I don't think you should spend any more time on him because of you feeling so torn about him, he is not the one.

monsteramunch · 04/11/2022 14:40

If he’s ‘not sure’ he wants a family I’d end ityou do want kids And you don’t have the luxury of time while he decides

100% this.

You're mid thirties and say you definitely want kids.

He's not sure. He could kick the can down the road for ages, keeping you holding on, and take away your last likely naturally fertile years easily.

I couldn't take that chance.

NairobiGal · 04/11/2022 14:42

I couldn't date a man who had never met his child and just gave up trying. I can't imagine knowing I had a child and continuing life as normal. Takes a certain kind of person IMHO...