Is it normal to struggle with normal life so much?

[SixteenTwelve]

Both my fiancé and I seem to need a lot of time to recover from seemingly normal life experiences. When we have a busy weekend, we feel totally wiped out on Monday. If we do too much in the week, we feel like we need a weekend to recover and spend it largely in bed, possibly wander into down for a coffee and maybe watch a series in the evening. The things we do in the week aren’t a lot either. We go to the gym 2-3 times, maybe have a friend over for a coffee when WFH, or occasionally see friends in the evening.

I struggle with sleep sometimes and after two bad nights I am spending my last day of Annual Leave watching things on my iPad and intermittently dosing. We have a busy weekend coming up (out Friday night and hosting friends Saturday) and already know Monday I am going to feel totally wiped out for work. I have booked Friday afternoon off as Annual Leave to rest in case I have a rough night sleep wise on Thursday.

Is it normal to need so much recovery time from normal life? Do other people just kind of feel a low level rough a large portion of the time? It’s both of us so I’m not sure if we enable each other or if this is something that everyone experiences? We regularly book in empty weekends now just to stop us from feeling overwhelmed and we don’t even have kids yet. I’m not sure how we would manage it at all!

I was honestly more tired not having children than now I do. I think that sometimes you can get too much sleep which leaves you feeling sluggish whereas now I have children, once I’m up im up and if I have a spare hour I like to do something with it like a workout to feel more energised

I can’t remember really what I spent time doing, pre-kids. Lots of free time and doing nothing I think!!

Have you had iron levels checked? Do you exercise much?

The more you sleep/doss around, the more you need sleep/to doss around.

m not saying your doing that but working and going gym a few times a week doesn’t sound like a busy lifestyle so I’m not sure why you’re tired from that. Do you have kids?

@GoodnightGentleBoris i go to the gym about 3 times a week

@Isittrueornot this is what I wonder. Take your point about iron levels but it is both of us who seem to just be totally wiped out by work/gym/socialising. I don’t sleep well so I know that does make a difference although I think other people cope a lot better with lack of sleep than I do!

Our bodies get good at doing what we do most!

If you sit around and read a lot, it will get good at doing that! Ditto if you exercise. You just need some adjustment time.

How old are you and your fiancé op? I think middle aged folk do sometimes develop a lot of stamina through having had a lot of practice at battling through ifyswim.

Are you planning on having DC? The adjustment from none to one is a killer! I remember thinking "but how am I expected to work after only three hours sleep?". But you learn to manage!

So I would suggest more exercise but full time jobs can be very demanding, especially if you have a long commute?

One other possibility is that you may be neurodiverse and need more time to decompress than other people?

Another thought; what is your diet like?
Do you eat a lot of sugar? Fizzy drinks?

I don’t think that’s normal. What’s your diet like? Have you had bloods done recently?

Also, are your job's people facing? Because they can be very draining.

I felt like this as a full time teacher. But then soon after having a kid I was diagnosed as having Lupus and Fibromyalgia so I wonder if both these things had been brewing for years. I now have to really pace myself. Husband- who is a couple of years younger than me, but not significantly so- doesn't have this. He's also still a full time teacher (I now tutor freelance) and we've got two under tens. So might be worth having some tests done.

I'm an introvert in people facing jobs which I love doing but do need recovery time on my own after having a busy week.

Always find this time of year hard too when it's dark, rainy and getting cold. That zaps my energy. My house is far from comfortable in the colder months.

A friend of mine is very similar to this - interacting with people wipes him out. However, he does have dyspraxia which means that his brain is working much harder than a neurotypical brain as it can't filter things out and so is processing literally EVERYTHING that's going on around him.

I'm like this, I work, I study, I'm a single parent, but the simplest things wipes me out completely and I need recovery time. I too wonder if its normal, blood test tell me om normal but I don't feel normal. I do have poor heath and mobility issues though, but I jist know I never feel like I'm managing very well

Have you got a carbon monoxide monitor at home? I'm just wondering if that could explain why you both feel a bit rough?

Yeah, that's weird OP. You don't say how old you are, but I'm guessing 20s. When I was that age I felt tired if I hadn't had a lot of sleep, but I could work FT, go the gym, go out several nights a week. I'd have a lie in on Sundays, definitely, but I never took days or half off work just to doze. If I were you I'd have my iron levels checked. When you're in your 20s you're supposed to be able to burn the candle at both ends and be okay. You sound like someone who's 50+.

Do you drink a lot of alcohol OP? I’m trying to cut down/quit because it’s really affecting my sleep & energy levels. If you’re socialising every weekend, maybe you’re having too much booze.

We are 29 (him) and 30 (me).

I do have a public facing job although I also work from home at least one day a week.

We don’t have kids yet but one of the reasons we are considering whether it’s the right thing after getting married is because of how exhausted we both get. I can’t imagine working a full day after just 3 hours sleep with a baby but this is why I wonder if we are just a bit pathetic!

I don’t normally take time off for nights out but this weekend is a big deal event so it’s important to me to feel “up” for it if you know what I mean.

I think our diet is pretty good tbh. We do get a take away once or twice a month but most of our dinners are home cooked, normal meals, a reasonable amount of veg etc.

You both sound very healthy op. Maybe it's worth focusing on sleep?

Or might you both be perfectionists who are putting too much effort in to your jobs?

Or is it that you are spending too much time on screens?

Or could you be depressed? You don't have to feel particularly sad to be diagnosed.

I think it is worth thinking about DC very seriously because whereas you could possibly make adaptations with one of you being less energetic than the other, if it's both of you who have low energy, then that would be very difficult and detrimental to the child. I hope you manage to pinpoint the cause and find a solution.

I don’t think that’s normal. You hardly do anything on the weekends. How do you manage with cooking/shopping/chores?

I do think some people are less active than others eg some people can stay in bed all day watching Netflix and others are up and out for the day at the crack of dawn.

It could be a personality/temperament thing. I have a teenager who could stay in bed all weekend and be quite happy.

It would be odd if you were both unhealthy with the same affliction!

It could also just be a lack of motivation. Are you happy together? Do you look forward to holidays etc?

Other people like a simple life. I know a young couple like that. They don’t go out anywhere, not interested in the cinema or nights out with friends, never been on holiday, he is a gamer, they are just in the house the whole time.

@5yearplan chores we get done I’m very meticulous about cleaning and tidying. Bathrooms get done twice a week, ditto hoovering, floors and sweeping the stairs. Dusting I do weekly and the kitchen gets cleaned every day. I try to do some bigger jobs on a Saturday morning like cleaning out the fridge.

Perhaps I wasn’t clear, we don’t always do nothing on the weekend. Some weekends are very busy with various friends and family. We just have to plan these quiet weekends in every few weeks otherwise we get completely overwhelmed

How often are you out in the fresh air?

I would focus on the sleep issues.

I found out for example that gym/ exercise isn't good for me in the evening. I would be tired and go to sleep but wake up 2 hours later wide awake!
Alcohol has a similar effect.

An other reason for poor sleep is when I spent 2-3 days just mooching around; that is reading/ TV and only taking the dog out for an hour or so for exercise.

And then there are the obvious things like screens that add to poor sleep.

Obviously, this is me but you might identify similar triggers.

Probably not as much as we should be to be fair!

Since lockdown I have felt tired quite a lot, prior to the pandemic I would work 5 days in the office, often starting early and finishing late and would travel for work once a fortnight for a couple of days each time. Now I work from home 3 days a week and go into the office twice, and feel way more tired than I did before.

I think your body just gets used to your routine.

Before I had kids I used to come home from work and nap for an hour! I always felt over busy and used to try and carve out a lot of down time on my weekends. I am also introverted so do need down time to stay well. However now that I have kids and don’t have the luxury of a lot of free time I cope fine. You adapt to circle. If I had the opportunity for more time watching tv on the sofa I would take it!

Adapt to circumstances I mean!

I think you tend to adapt. I used to nap regularly and sleep 7/8 hours a night. Now I have two small children and work evenings until 11:00pm at least 3 times a week. I'm fucking exhausted to be fair, but it's just sort of normal now.