Is it normal to struggle with normal life so much?

[SixteenTwelve]

Both my fiancé and I seem to need a lot of time to recover from seemingly normal life experiences. When we have a busy weekend, we feel totally wiped out on Monday. If we do too much in the week, we feel like we need a weekend to recover and spend it largely in bed, possibly wander into down for a coffee and maybe watch a series in the evening. The things we do in the week aren’t a lot either. We go to the gym 2-3 times, maybe have a friend over for a coffee when WFH, or occasionally see friends in the evening.

I struggle with sleep sometimes and after two bad nights I am spending my last day of Annual Leave watching things on my iPad and intermittently dosing. We have a busy weekend coming up (out Friday night and hosting friends Saturday) and already know Monday I am going to feel totally wiped out for work. I have booked Friday afternoon off as Annual Leave to rest in case I have a rough night sleep wise on Thursday.

Is it normal to need so much recovery time from normal life? Do other people just kind of feel a low level rough a large portion of the time? It’s both of us so I’m not sure if we enable each other or if this is something that everyone experiences? We regularly book in empty weekends now just to stop us from feeling overwhelmed and we don’t even have kids yet. I’m not sure how we would manage it at all!

I’m like this and i’m autistic. It’s sensory overload for me, I need time to recover from that otherwise I can’t function. If I work full time, I don’t have the spoons to do anything outside of work.

Your cleaning regime is interesting. Is a lot of it actual essential cleaning?

You sound ‘peopled out’. You’re probably introverts. Recharge by being alone. Extroverts recharge via socialising. You’re normal, but not the norm (about 25% people are introverts).

For a healthy young person, I don't think that is normal/typical, no. Unless you are working extremely long hours, but you don't mention that.

Och, bollocks.

This 'introvert / extravert' stuff is such a pile of nonsense: at least 80% of people fall within a bell curve, like, you know, most of being a human.

The vast majority of people quite enjoy or at least tolerate spending time in social situations, to an extent. True extraverts or introverts are vanishingly rare.

DH and I are feeling a bit like this at the moment too. I’ve been getting a lot of random physical symptoms as well and just this morning I actually saw a doc. She’s requested a full blood panel. And we discussed the possibility of anemia.

But anyway my point is is that she said she’s seeing a lot of people with similar symptoms and feelings, which she suspects is just due to life at the moment and/or also post viral. We have both had some nasty viruses in the last year including covid so something to bare in mind.

I'm autistic, and have had to stop beating myself up for being "lazy". I recently had a couple of months with very little work (self employed), and can't really say I used my time terribly productively.

But then, it's been a tough couple of years. It's been a tough longer than that, really. I realise I was pushing further and further into burnout territory, and actually needed to lounge around doing very little when the kids are at school.

@mast0650 I work pretty much 9-5 and if I work weird hours which I occasionally do I claim the time back from work.

@NoYouSirName we talk about spoons a lot! I do sometimes wonder if I am on the spectrum although I’ve never had it looked into so perhaps that could explain it for me but doesn’t explain why it is both of us.

@Fritilleries i just love a spotless house 🤷🏼‍♀️

I wonder if people saying it is just what you are used to have a point. Prepandemic I had a different role that was a lot more intense work and much earlier starts. I used to get up at 6am, get to work for 7am, work until about 4:30 and one evening a week I used to go to uni for a 2 hour seminar and get home at 8pm…I just did it. My new job is a lot more relaxed (although more money) and I often don’t need to get up until 7:30 and on days when I don’t work from home I can often start from home and leave the house around 9:30/10am. I wonder how I used to do my old job sometimes!

I think most people do enjoy it but the difference is how much it takes out of them afterwards.

I was brought up to put others first, to earn my dinner, and not to flake out on people and I always enjoy going out even if I don’t always feel like going. I always need a hood block of solitude to recover afterwards though.

My dh is the opposite and lives for the company of other people. You can see him getting energised, not drained in their presence. He is boosted up the next day and full of energy.

We are all different!

I think you sound pretty busy.

Do you drink alcohol?

Before kids I would regularly sleep 9-10 hours a night and more like 11-12 at the weekends and I’d still say I was too tired to do stuff.

i can’t quite believe it now. I had 5 hours of broken sleep last night with a vomiting toddler and have done 5 loads of washing today, looked after a poorly child and worked on my laptop while trying to do all of this. Will likely have a similar night tonight. You just adapt!

When you wake up do you feel refreshed?

Occasionally. Typically a few G&Ts on a Friday or Saturday. A bit more if we’re going out but I’m not a big drinker. My fiancé likes to get a buzz on at the weekend but he doesn’t really drink during the week unless it’s a special occasion

Rarely tbh to the point where I get really excited if I wake up feeling really good!

This is not normal. Are you both unwell?

I think you should try a weighted blanket. Changed my life. I wake up feeling rested and refreshed now. It only took oooh 35 years or so! You can sometimes get them in Lidl for not very much so might be worth trying and then investing in a better quality one if it works.

I am like this but i suffer from endometriosis. My body doesn't get enough iron and it aches most of the time. If i have an eventful week, go away for the weekend or go on hols, anything that requires you to be on the go a bit, i am wiped. I used to get run down and get sick the whole time, not as bad now as i am managing it. I can sleep for 12 hours and still wake up acahing all over. I find what helps me, is a good diet (Lots of takeaways etc can amke you feel sluggish), still allow myself wine and takeaways at the weekend but not overboard. I exercise, i walk my dogs and swim, not able for anything else. I have a cleaner who cleans every two weeks and am able to keep on top of things that way. I allow myself to have down time days, this means watching a film one eve or read. I go for regular massages as this helps my aching body. I also take Revive active every day ( a vitamin supplement) try and go to bed and get up same time each day. Also get dressed this helps your mind get productive. Don't change into your pajamas or dressing gown as soon as you get home keep these for bedtime, helps the mind not slump and prepare yourself for bed. Small good habits will help you, especially as evenings now dark, very important to get out and get some air during the day. But would also recommend going to doc and getting everything checked out

That's normal life. When you have kids you'll no doubt feel the same but you have no choice but to get on with it, tired or not! Sorry.

I think the pandemic has a lot to answer for, tbh. Your energy levels, sleep pattern etc. are easily influenced by what you do and where you go, so when lockdowns happened we all got less sunlight, got used to having more sleep and down time, and doing less exercise, not in the going to the gym sense necessarily, but all that exercise we don't think about, walking from place to place, carrying groceries, taking the stairs, etc. now these habits have become our default, and trying to get back to a busier lifestyle is hard. I don't think it's good for us to be too busy, and there are some benefits from a slower lifestyle, but also it's become easy to socialise less, go out less, and over time that can cause malaise, low level depression, reduced motivation, etc. there is a balance to be found.

Do you take a vitamin d supplement and get good day time sunshine? It's not always the problem but it's a good starting place

Some people genuinely do find minor tasks very tiring, could ADHD or autism be a factor? as I know people with these conditions, can find simple tasks pretty overwhelming. My brother & Dad are both autistic and they are amazed that I can go to work, come home cook a meal, drive 14 mile round trip to take daughter to gymnastics & then do an aerobics class in the evening.

I do feel tired after this, but the exercise also helps me sleep

You may want to consider getting blood tests in case something is up with you health wise, but maybe not if you're both like this.

TBH, you do sound a bit 'pathetic' (your words) and I'd strongly advise you not to have kids if you want/need whole weekends to recover from being at work and a bit of socialising.

I'd definitely look at the combination of diet, exercise, sleep and plenty of fresh air to see if you can improve your lifestyle. Personally, I would fully cut out alcohol, you sleep so much better without it.

If you were doing better before the pandemic then could you both have a bit of long covid? I know so many people who had mildish covid and just never felt fully refreshed since.

I don’t know if we were doing “better” necessarily. I felt bloody awful a lot of the time but I just cracked on with it anyway. Neither of us have had Covid that we are aware of although appreciate we likely have had it without realising

This. I feel more shattered after a day doing nothing than a day doing loads.

Considering its both of you, maybe it's something in your environment? Have you got a Carbon Monoxide monitor?