Daughter doesn’t want any new clothes

[Binfire]

What do you think is happening here?

DD

Did you post too soon?

What?

When I was a teenager I wouldn't have wanted any clothes in the style my Mum would have bought me.

You have bad taste

Sorry I can’t seem to edit my post!

DD aged 12, has grown loads over the past year. She’s grown out of most of her clothes, but doesn’t want any new ones. I’ve taken her around every shop I can think of. Taken her shopping with a friend, who also suggested things she could buy.

She seems to be set against the idea, she says everything is too fussy or the wrong colour. No suggestion of what she would actually wear or where I should but it from. She just says she doesn’t like any of it.

Im wondering if it’s the age, between kids clothes and adult clothes? Or not wanting anything to draw attention to her changing body? I’ve asked if it’s that and she just can’t articulate it. I’ve suggested she have a think and write it down in a note to me, so maybe she will 🤷‍♀️

Anyone with any experience of this? I get that she is finding something difficult, but she won’t tell me what and she does need some actual clothes to wear!

Can you just buy her some bigger sizes of what she has , Save any grief? Sometimes they can be funny about changing bodies and it's all so awkward for them one of mine lived in hoodies and jeans at that age so that's what we bought.

This is my oldest girl, I’m sure that’s obvious!
My teenage son just tells me he wants a black North Face hoody, or sends a screenshot or something but she just doesn’t seem to have any idea what she does want. Maybe it’s a confidence thing 🤷‍♀️

My young teen lived in just a hoodie and joggers. Plain colours, easy to wear. Would something like that suit? My other young teen didn’t really have any clothes outside of her school uniform and the five million leotards she had for dance classes. A pair of jeans and a hoody suited the rest of the time.

Oh and some of the smaller things used to make it's way to the bin as it met with a terrible accident!

Give her some money and ask her to buy some clothes without you.

What's she grown out of? Can you not just buy her that in a bigger size?
Or is it that all of her friends are in crop tops and baggy tracksuit trousers and you're suggesting things which are different to that, either because they're too young (in her eyes) or might actually keep her warm?
I recently took Yr8 shopping. We just went to Primark, New Look & H&M. Other than one t shirt, everything she bought seemed hideous to me as well as far too revealing but she was happy with it all and looks the same as her friends which is largely what matters at that age.

She didn’t tell me that her bras were too small, she just stopped wearing them and I had to ask her after not washing them for a few weeks. I work and have three kids so life’s pretty hectic, I just need her to tell me what she needs!

I think it’s something about low confidence/ not knowing exactly who she is now. I think she’s a bit lost 😞

OK, these are boys, but my 2 wouldn't have any clothes that fitted if I didn't just buy more.
DS2 is easy. He just has the same style shorts and teeshirts from the same shop as he has had for the past 5 years or so. Just the colour varies.
DS1 is harder.
Just buy her a few basics that are likely to be OK and fit, and taking it from there.

It' Is hardwork but you are going to have to help her through it she sounds shy . Can you buy her some crop tops or soft Bras and guesstimate her size.

Maybe it is about identity etc. Rather than go shopping can you get her to order absolutely anything she likes the look of from say h&m and try on at home? She probably doesn't like what you like but isn't sure how to say it or indeed what she does like. H&m have plenty of non gender specific clothes at the moment.

Hi @Binfire, I have an 11 year old dd who is similar. She wears age 14 clothes (she is very tall), and the problem we are finding is that the clothes she likes are usually nit made big enough for her. She also hates brand new clothes - it's a sensory thing - so we spend a lot of time on Vinted and browsing charity shops. She's the wrong shape to wear many of her brother's hand me downs now. She wears a lot of joggers and hoodies!

I’ve given her money before and she didn’t buy anything. She went with a friend.

This weekend I’ve taken her to Primark, H&M, New Look and Matalan and she didn’t want any of it!

She has a couple of pairs of joggers that fit and a couple of crop tops and hoodies, maybe I should just let her wear those and forget about it!

Im not from a well odd family and only had school shoes/ a few outfits when I was a teen, I remember often not having anything suitable so maybe I’m just finding it all a bit triggering! I just want her to have some decent clothes.

She wouldn’t even choose any wellies and we live on a farm, so she can’t go for a walk in the fields with the dogs at the moment because she won’t choose any wellies!

I think it is difficult for some of them to know what their style is, or what to do with their changing bodies. My yr8 DD wants/needs new clothes, has vouchers burning a hole in her pocket, and has moments of being keen to spend them. But, then when we get into a shop she can't find anything she wants to buy, nor can she articulate what she actually wants. I've tried leaving her to it (in shops or online) and I've tried suggesting things, but we often leave empty handed. Except for fluffy socks. She loves fluffy socks...

It's the being overwhelmed with choice, I started just buying plain basics, so decent leggings and a hood, then gradually sparked interest with tshirts of a band she liked.

Gave a few limited choices, which socks she found comfortable.

What she hated was the fashion, everything was too skimpy, close fitting and fabric she didn't like, got alot easier when I said I didn't mind if she got it from the men's section as long as it fitted her, she got some really decent denim shorts she was happy wearing and has been much better choosing.

I think its mostly a fear of getting it wrong, so just gently confidence boosting and validating her own choices was important.

I think leaving it Is fine don't make it a thing buy her crop tops and hoodies if that's what she is wearing.

Actually @Timeforabiscuit she does hate having too much choice! It’s exactly that, I hadn’t connected the two but she is much happier with two options than ten, and in Primark or somewhere it’s a million.

I hate hate hate shopping for clothes! It’s too overwhelming, there’s too much choice and the shops have way too many clothes!

I tend to stick to one brand/shop and buy simple/staples.

Maybe try biting her some basics and see what she does?

Could she be worried about spending your money? My parents commented on expenses at times when I was a young teen, so I thought I was secretly helping their finances by refusing a haircut or new clothes. I would have felt guilty if they had spent their money on me, even though they wanted to, so it was easier to say I didn’t like the style of something.

Buy her some basic black wellies (so she can go walking if she wants to), more crop tops, and (if she really doesn't have enough to get through the week and wash) another joggers and hoodie in same style that she has already. Then wait to see how it goes. Things will probably move on in time.

I took dd2 shopping when she was about 14, she ended up crying, overwhelmed by the choice and refusing to buy anything.
In the end i transferred her the money and she went shopping with a friend and spent the rest online. Less pressure. She did really need new stuff too so it was frustrating that she couldn’t find it in herself to buy anything.
We went again recently to buy jeans, she tried on some Levi’s and fell in love with them but then cried again when she saw the price and refused to let me buy them. Honestly, it’s more hassle than it’s worth and like you, with 3dc and working full time I just need to be able to get on with stuff! I know she’s not intentionally making things difficult but she still does 😂