Daughter doesn’t want any new clothes

[Binfire]

What do you think is happening here?

DD

Mine wants dresses, but doesn’t like any in the shops. So I’m stuck.

She lives in leggings and T-shirts. I think jeans would be more useful but they don’t get worn. Even trying to get socks on her is tricky.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed then just don’t go anywhere or do anything because I have no clothes.
So in your daughters situation I would loooove someone to say I’ve picked these wellies so you can go walking the dogs.
if you don’t like them, tell me why and I’ll pick a different pair that suits you better. Otherwise they’ll be here on x day.
then they’d come and I’d likely ignore them for a few days and thennnn I’d put them on when I’m sick of not walking the dogs and it seems stupid when there are wellies right there.

I was the same at her age. Nothing ever seemed to fit, I wasn't cool or fashionable, and I feared being made fun of. I thought i was ugly and really just wanted clothes to hide behind. 40-odd years on I've finally developed my own style and the confidence to go with it. I still hate clothes shopping because things still don't fit straight off the peg.
I'd stick with bigger sizes of what she's already got.

No I don’t think it’s about money. It seems to be some sort of choice overwhelm/ identity/ confidence issue. She wants the plainest things possible, so she doesn’t make a ‘mistake’ or stand out for any reason.
I noticed that the only acceptable colours were black or grey, so I’ll just get a few plain leggings/ joggers/ hoodies. At least she’ll be warm. We looked for cropped vests but maybe it’s the wrong season as we didn't find any. And I’ll get a pair of plain black wellies.
It sounds like she isn’t the only one at least. I thought that teenage girls were supposed to rinse their parents dry in Primark, I wasn’t expecting her to refuse everything she saw!

Yes new clothes mean being noticed don't they?
I still very often don't wear a new thing till it's sat around for 6 months, then wear it till it wears out.

Oh in that case book her into bra measuring at m and s and explain the situation - mine were brilliant.

I didn’t like shopping with my mum she judged me and what I wanted and huffed at the cost.

give her £200 and send her off with a friends mum but really couple of pairs of decent jeans - lots of underwear without being asked and a couple of normal plain jumpers etc

m And s is brill for plain colours

I think with my younger teen, she wanted to cover herself up more with loose-fitting clothing -hence joggers, jeans, hoodies. It’s difficult for developing girls.

My daughter prefers to buy from charity shops; the fit is better, the fabric feels nicer and she's a real bargain hunter

Sounds like she’s panicking about which teen stereotype/clique to aim for and is caught in indecision. Does she want sexy clothes? Goth cloths? Prim clothes? Farmer clothes? Sloane clothes? Future popstar clothes? Fatgirl clothes? Aaaaaaaaagh.

Suggest you just buy her a bigger size of whatever she already has. Like on wellies I’d just buy her some dark green or dark blue plain wellies.

Maybe try to move her thinking away from ‘clothes as fashion statement’ and towards ‘clothes keep me warm.’

I’d probably buy her some jeans, some
black leggings/joggers, some plain t shirts and hoodies, and maybe tell her to do her own laundry until she’s chosen some more things she likes on Amazon.

Does she like any movies? On Amazon I’ve bought myself a few (mens) tshirts with a retro 1980s movie poster on front, they tend to use thick plasticky stuff to print the poster image on, which is absolutely great for hiding your breasts. In my case that’s handy cos I don’t wear bra but don’t want people staring at my nipples, but a self conscious preteen might enjoy the coverage too.

Sounds like what I was like.

I had vastly different fashion sense from any of my family and they hated it.

If we went shopping, they would try and steer me towards the fashionable shit and I would refuse and go for the more eclectic stuff.

I have a kid the same age. Clothes shopping is hard for a few reasons.
often kids this age are between kids' clothing and adult clothing, so things don't fit right. my 12yo is 5'4, but still has a girlish shape. clothes age 13-14 (often the last kids' size) are too short, but even size 6 adult clothes can be roomy.

It's also hard for teens to get to grips with getting a more adult shape and being perceived differently - far easier to hide in old joggers than face the male gaze.

Plus the pressure of feeling like you have to choose a tribe...it's a lot.

My elder DD is 15 and doesn't bother with proper structured bras BTW - she prefers a slightly padded/t-shirt bralette. Loads comfier, still some support. Might work for your DD?

I've been like your daughter with clothes since I was a teen and I'm now 60. I'll know very well that I need new shirts or what have you, but when I go out to try and find anything it all looks like crap - horrible colours, nasty fabrics, stupid designs - and there is just so much of it, so I generally come home with nothing, having kept up a running commentary of curses and invective throughout the trip.

These days I find it easier buying online as shops feel overwhelming. If she prefers plain stuff that covers her up properly, that's understandable too. Girls and young women are so over-exposed to the public gaze these it must be absolutely miserable for them. As others have said, more of the same but bigger might be the way to go.

My sister was like this when we were teenagers. It was a nightmare. I was the opposite and resented that I wouldn't get everything I asked for and yet if my sister looked at an item of clothing for more than a second it was purchased 🤣
I think just leave her to it. Pop a pair of wellies in her size by the back door, some dark, plain joggers and hoodies in her drawer and don't mention again. She'll grow out of it.

I was the same at this age.

In my case I'd put weight on, felt 'fat' and couldn't bring myself to wear large sizes 😕

Ended up buying and living in black jeans, black t shirts and a black hoody, with the labels cut out.

I'd buy her some plain basics and then ask her to fill out a Pinterest page or something so she can find her style without drowning in options in the shop

Maybe order a bulk of basics from Uniqlo/H&M - tshirts, joggers, leggings, hoodies/sweatshirts. Plus a new pair of wellies and some thick socks. Let her try stuff on in her own room and in her own time - she can hand back whatever she doesn’t want for you to return. It doesn’t need to be a big deal, just “here’s some stuff for winter as you’ve probably grown out of lots of your warm clothing from last year”.
I still find shopping and fitting rooms an absolute nightmare! Claustrophobic, bad lighting, trying to hurry up for whoever is waiting.

Buy a few plain things and pop and in her bedroom, or buy two of a few things and ask her if she’d like to keep any of it and if not return it.

buy a pair of wellies the same colour as she has now in her size and leave by the door ready to wear.

As a parent, I find this age very hard to buy for because most of the shops which do kids clothes stop at around 12 and there's a much more limited number which do up to 15/16. That might be alright for boys (don't have any so don't know), but girls who are tall enough for adult-sized women's clothes don't necessarily fill them out properly. My ex-MIL has always insisted on buying clothes at least 2 sizes too big for dd, once they got to around 10 or 11 that meant that she was buying adult clothes. I had to try to explain to her that while dd might technically fit into a size 6 dress length wise, it was completely the wrong shape and massively gaping at the neckline because she only had breast buds and no hips to speak of.

I would avoid shops like Primark because it's so overwhelming. If you have the time, maybe have a scoot around Zara, H&M, M&S, John Lewis, Uniqlo by yourself and pick out what you think she might like. Then go back with her and suggest those specific items rather than browsing the whole shop and giving her too much choice. Or do the same online. I find Zara and Uniqlo particularly good (Uniqlo might not do children's clothes up to that size, I can't remember, but their adult stuff is mostly not fitted so not a problem).

I have one of those.
I just buy everything in black. Occasionally I will send a screen shot of something if I’m not sure, usually because it’s in blue/grey.

If she wears skirts for school by choice then also add in some plain black skirts and dresses along with some thick tights.

Bras are harder. One of my dds hated getting fitted. So I taught her how to fit herself from loads of threads on here.

Try before you buy is also very handy so she can try on a few things in her room

Maybe she just doesn’t like the style of whatever is in fashion right now? I remember disliking “fashionable” clothes in my teens (liked skateboard style baggy jeans, t shirts and hoodies, not whatever Topshop was selling in the early 90s).

I eventually found my own style, but I have never really been fashionable.

With the bras, she may literally not know how they are meant to fit, especially if she has a bigger chest. I remember wearing a 34D in school, I then got properly fitted in Bravissimo when I was at uni and was a 28E… no wonder I hadn’t found bras very supportive or comfortable before. I didn’t know the support was meant to come from the band not the straps, or that the wire is meant to be against your skin not hanging in mid air between your boobs.

I think this is a good idea - maybe place a bulk H&M/M&S order with one or two sizes in various basics (t-shirts, leggings, hoodies, jeans) and ask her to try them on at home and give you any she wants to return.

The wellies etc. I'd just buy a foot measure gauge on Amazon, measure her feet and then buy her a bigger size in whatever she has already.

Agree with a few plain black leggings, couple of decent hoodies from a sports shop, few T-shirts. (Nothing low-cut, tight-fitting or brightly coloured/patterned).

After that it’s up to her. She genuinely probably doesn’t care right now. It’s a myth that all girls like shopping, lots hate it.

My daughter is the same. She’s 12. I get her to pick things online or in the shop, she says she likes them then they stay unworn in the wardrobe. It’s frustrating. She prefers her old clothes as they are more comfy. I have to throw the old / too small things out I just say they have holes etc then if I buy the same / similar it just sits in the wardrobe. Occasionally I buy something she likes but it’s like 1/10 things. She has zero interest in shopping instore. I’m keeping the things she hasn’t worn for her younger sister if it’s too late to send them back. I expect it will change at some point. I guess a lot of people have wardrobe favourites.