Bonus Children and Bonus Mum/Dad. Thoughts?

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My mum is Danish and tells me there is no ‘step parents’ or ‘step children’ the translation of the word is ‘bonus mum/dad’ and ‘bonus child/ren’

She always says how the U.K. can learn from using positive language and referring to step parents as bonus parents to remove the negative connotations and hopefully improve relationships in blended families!

Personally I agree with her - in Cinderella you have a wicked step mother and step sisters, an evil step mother in Snow White. After all, you a child can’t have too much love🤷🏼‍♀️

What is everyone else’s thoughts?

Absolutely love the Swedish series Bonus Family on Netflix - hadn't heard of the expression until I watched it.

That’s a lovely idea!

I dunno - the families in Bonus Family are hardly without their difficulties? Its a while since I watched it but isn't the series pretty much them working through all the typical fraught step family issues - despite their leftie well-intentioned middle class mostly civil approach.

Sure if you’re happy for your hubby to run off with another woman and have your kids call her their ‘bonus mum’.

I found out recently that in The Netherlands, refugees are called 'newcomers'.

Yes this language is better, the way people hate stepmothers before they even meet them is very unhelpful.

Ah that's interesting - my DP's DS (whom I didn't meet until he was 21; DP and I were older when we got together) has touchingly called me his "bonus mum" for years, but I didn't know it was a term for a step-parent in Denmark. Of course I've never been in a parenting role with him, nor seen myself as a stepmother. So lucky that all DP's three DCs are lovely people who have always supported our relationship.

It's definitely a much more positive term.

My 5 year old recently told me that she doesnt ever want a step Mum, because they are evil and mean to children. She must have got that impression from Fairytales. DH and I are still together.

Is a separated family a bonus?

I dunno. I don’t think my OH thinks of his three step sisters as ‘bonus sisters’ tbh. I think at best it’s wooden spoon sisters but I’d go all out and call them the evil stepsisters. Even as adults two of them are bitches

No I’m not saying they call her bonus mum - that’s what they’re referred to as. E.g. this is ‘….’ My bonus mum or whatever.

and if me and DP did split up I like to think I’d be mature enough to put my kids first and allow them to build whatever relationship they feel the need with a SM and call her whatever they want to, my feelings aren’t more important than my kids

I’ve always referred to my SD as my dad, even to my dad and he has said to me well - ‘…’ is your dad as well and if I asked things he would say what does your mum and SD think about it so I strive to have that much understanding and respect of my kids relationships if my and DP weren’t together.

I love this - it’s exactly what I call my DCS! Didn’t know it was an actual thing though!

DSCs, that was meant to say 🤦‍♀️

I think it’s just a way to spin it into a positive like you have all these bonus people that care about you - like who doesn’t want a bonus versus having the child from a previous relationship being ‘slotted’ into the new family which I feel the ‘step’ phrase creates

Surely you would prefer your child to have a happy loving bonus mum than someone that she doesn’t like irrelevant of the circumstances.

We don't call our children step brothers and sisters, I felt like it was too old fashioned. We just say brothers and sisters and no step dad, we use the name of the person.

It's so common now that you really don't need to tell people oh well yeah they are a step brother, there's no need to differentiate.

I think language matters if you are a blended family, still doesn't solve bad relationships though!

@Bigpaintinglittlepainting but they’re not brothers and sisters

@Bigpaintinglittlepainting if they feel like they are why does it matter ? My 16 year old chooses to call her step brothers her brothers. What does it matter if that’s what works for them ?

I think we’d do better to remove the label of step parent or any variation of it altogether from an actual parents next boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband.Just call them by their name, they’re not a parent and it over complicates and adds pressure to everyone.

Thank God I haven't had to face this particular dilemma as my kids are older, but do they really need another mother at all? Perhaps the whole idea of additional parents is not really needed. After all, if their parent splits up with their new partner, the 'mother' or 'father' disappears completely. Maybe flaky parent is a more accurate phrase? Or temporary parent?

I have 3 step brother/sisters and have always referred to them as my brothers/sisters and if people say but they’re your step siblings I’d respond with but they’re family. From the age of like 10 I think.
How is it any different from introducing your best friends as aunties/uncles?

I don’t mean to refer to them as ‘bonus mum/dad’ instead of their name I mean for the new partner to introduce their step children as bonus children and still have the children call them whatever they want to.
I know from experience that being referred to as a bonus makes you feel better about yourself than being referred to as a ‘step’

Bonus doesn't sound right to me. It feels like it's doing down the birth parent.

Yup. This basically

I don’t mean to refer to them as ‘bonus mum/dad’ instead of their name I mean for the new partner to introduce their step children as bonus children and still have the children call them whatever they want to.
I know from experience that being referred to as a bonus makes you feel better about yourself than being referred to as a ‘step’