Bonus Children and Bonus Mum/Dad. Thoughts?

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My mum is Danish and tells me there is no ‘step parents’ or ‘step children’ the translation of the word is ‘bonus mum/dad’ and ‘bonus child/ren’

She always says how the U.K. can learn from using positive language and referring to step parents as bonus parents to remove the negative connotations and hopefully improve relationships in blended families!

Personally I agree with her - in Cinderella you have a wicked step mother and step sisters, an evil step mother in Snow White. After all, you a child can’t have too much love🤷🏼‍♀️

What is everyone else’s thoughts?

I’m sure I heard this as a child.

I just think, how can it be a bonus? Two parents was hard enough. Feeling like you have more would feel like more hassle, especially as a teen. My parents went through a patch where we thought they’d divorce. The thing that scared us, as children, was not that so much as what if they got new partners and we ended up with more siblings?

I know a lot of kids end up in that situation but if they don’t feel happy with it, I don’t think changing the language will help. In fact it might make them feel worse.

and do people forget? I recently had a cabbie in his 60s, I think, who spent the whole journey telling me about his problematic blended family Christmases and how this year, he and his wife have booked to go away to avoid it all.

My nephews didn’t want to be referred to as any type of children relating to their dads wife. They are not her children, bonus or otherwise. They have a mum and dad.

For example. When the new wife of my nephews dad (Luke) wants to introduce them to someone, what’s wrong with ‘these are Luke’s sons, Oliver and Elliot’

Then I think that should be respected seeing as they can vocalise what they wish.

Surely all rather twee for us cynical Brits!

Hmm, I don't like bonus any more than step.

I like family.

Hello, this is my family. End of.

Or, hello, this is my family, my partners daughter, she's had a wee fall at the park and I've called her mum and dad. Or I've called whoever has parental rights.

I disagree. I have been a parent to my three step children for eight years. Their mum died a long time before I met DP. I have fulfilled the role of parent whole heartedly and love them unconditionally all that time.

I think it would make my children feel bad if I called my partners children my "bonus" children.

The etymology of "stepmother/father" means someone who cares for an orphan. I think that's more disrespectful of a living birth parent.

She does respect it. She’s really lovely and my nephews have a good relationship with her. Their choice is no reflection on her as a person, just that they have a mum already.

Just because the parent has a new partner, I don’t think it should make the new partner a parent to them even if the kids are too young to vocalise their choice. A parents next partner isn't and shouldn’t be called parent with any prefix. They’re not the parent and it causes issues.

It’s quite sweet. It might be a bit far the other way for some people to
stomach though, but given Denmark’s epic divorce figures I can see why it might be a good thing.

Having said that my step kids call me Step, and I find that quite sweet too, so…

I think it can be different in that situation, as with adopted children. You have actually become their parent. 💐

My stepdaughter calls me Bonus mum and I call her my bonus daughter ;)

@ArcticSkewer but any parent biological or step can just disappear. Do we set up kids up with that negativity that anyone can just disappear ?

They often consider themselves to be so though.

My kids don't consider themselves to be brothers and sisters with their step siblings.

They are brothers and sisters - it’s a relationship that comes in different forms - full, half, step, foster - they are all valid and fall under the brother and sister describer.

@gendercriticalcomingout
but mine do.
whatever works for different families is the right thing to do :)

I think it depends on what the relationship is like tbh. I definitely think my step parents are a 'bonus'. But they are mostly lovely. Especially my step dad.
I also don't call my step siblings step siblings. They are my brothers and sisters. Their dc are my nieces, not step nieces.

Otoh my own dcs step mum is a bitch who changed their lives for the worse. She's not a bonus.

That’s an oversimplification though. If you are a stepparent you often do have to do some parenting of your step kids. Mine have a great mum, but when they are here with their dad/my partner I do have to support parent, or they wouldn’t be cared for properly. The same applies to they mother’s partner as a stepdad.

I don’t care if I am called that or not, but I notice they like to have a way to describe me that centres them - my Stepmum says she will drop me off, not my Dad’s partner says she’ll drop me off. They do the same with their stepdad. I think it makes it feel more like a secure family step up to them.

Yours may do :) but not always.

My kids stepmum is anything but a bonus. So that's colouring my view.

In literally tonnes of cases, yes it is.

You probably should with step parents (perhaps by not calling them parents) seeing as, once they leave, they literally are no longer your parent.
They are your parent's ex and that's it.
Whereas your mum and dad are always your parents, regardless of whether they live with you, or are in your life, or not.
I've seen my friends cycle through umpteen 'step' fathers to their kids, sometimes for over a decade. Relationship ends ... off they go, never to see the child again.
Do you really think the child should continue to see them in a parental role?
How many step parents can they collect then?

oh well then, you go ahead and celebrate it. Jolly good

I had one step dad who loved me as his own and did so much for me. I would stay in contact if my mum ever split up with him

I had 3 step mums, none of which cared for me or my siblings and made it very clear to both me and my dad that they didn’t care to help look after us or do anything with us. It’s their own decision but it made me think very little of my dad that they would allow someone to treat us with such disrespect, an obvious dislike and as if we weren’t welcome at his home - so much so we called it our step mums house we never referred to it as his home. If we were out with her and they called any of them my mum I would correct strangers to say step mum purely because I didn’t like them - but I never did with my stepdad I just called him my dad.

I think it depends how often they are seen as well, I saw my stepdad 12 out of 14 days so our relationship was much better.

My partner has a son from a previous relationship, I’ve known him since he was only 15 months old and have been seeing him 3/4 days a week since he was 18 months old and he calls me by my name. He says he’s so lucky that he has a mummy, a daddy and an ‘Emily’ and not just a mummy and a daddy like other little people he has an ‘extra person’ as he puts it. Which is completely fine I am perfectly happy being ‘Emily’. His mum has split up from her boyfriend who he saw 3/4 days a week and has basically forgotten he ever existed apart from the odd story where he’ll say ‘mummy and Ben did this with me a really long time ago’. But he doesn’t ask where ‘Ben’ is.

I think that if kids are secure enough in their relationships with their parents they don’t rely on step parents the same way and it’s not much different I an aunt or uncle you don’t see so much - was the case for me anyway but what do I know