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Original poster

Bonus Children and Bonus Mum/Dad. Thoughts?

62 replies

Qwertyasdfgz · 18/10/2022 19:41

My mum is Danish and tells me there is no ‘step parents’ or ‘step children’ the translation of the word is ‘bonus mum/dad’ and ‘bonus child/ren’

She always says how the U.K. can learn from using positive language and referring to step parents as bonus parents to remove the negative connotations and hopefully improve relationships in blended families!

Personally I agree with her - in Cinderella you have a wicked step mother and step sisters, an evil step mother in Snow White. After all, you a child can’t have too much love🤷🏼‍♀️

What is everyone else’s thoughts?

OP posts:
ClappingWatcher · 18/10/2022 21:42

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/10/2022 21:18

That’s an oversimplification though. If you are a stepparent you often do have to do some parenting of your step kids. Mine have a great mum, but when they are here with their dad/my partner I do have to support parent, or they wouldn’t be cared for properly. The same applies to they mother’s partner as a stepdad.

I don’t care if I am called that or not, but I notice they like to have a way to describe me that centres them - my Stepmum says she will drop me off, not my Dad’s partner says she’ll drop me off. They do the same with their stepdad. I think it makes it feel more like a secure family step up to them.

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I think most kids use step mum/dad because it’s become the norm. I don’t think it’s actually the best for anyone involved. It’s confusing for younger kids. It adds pressure and duty. I think we’d be better off without the terms.

lannistunut · 18/10/2022 21:43

ArcticSkewer · 18/10/2022 21:23

oh well then, you go ahead and celebrate it. Jolly good

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Happiness is generally felt to be more of a bonus than unhappiness, do you prefer children be in unhappy families? Strange way to approach life, but OK.

Beachsidesunset · 18/10/2022 21:53

I wouldn't call my abusive, alcoholic stepfather a 'bonus' in a million fucking years.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
ArcticSkewer · 18/10/2022 21:55

lannistunut · 18/10/2022 21:43

Happiness is generally felt to be more of a bonus than unhappiness, do you prefer children be in unhappy families? Strange way to approach life, but OK.

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Just think how happy those Danes are, with their incredibly high divorce rates, separated families, and extra bonus parents.

Fabulous to see.

lannistunut · 18/10/2022 21:56

ArcticSkewer · 18/10/2022 21:55

Just think how happy those Danes are, with their incredibly high divorce rates, separated families, and extra bonus parents.

Fabulous to see.

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Yes, everyone was so happy when forced to stay in loveless and toxic marriages Hmm

JessesMum777888 · 18/10/2022 22:07

Qwertyasdfgz · 18/10/2022 21:40

I had one step dad who loved me as his own and did so much for me. I would stay in contact if my mum ever split up with him

I had 3 step mums, none of which cared for me or my siblings and made it very clear to both me and my dad that they didn’t care to help look after us or do anything with us. It’s their own decision but it made me think very little of my dad that they would allow someone to treat us with such disrespect, an obvious dislike and as if we weren’t welcome at his home - so much so we called it our step mums house we never referred to it as his home. If we were out with her and they called any of them my mum I would correct strangers to say step mum purely because I didn’t like them - but I never did with my stepdad I just called him my dad.

I think it depends how often they are seen as well, I saw my stepdad 12 out of 14 days so our relationship was much better.

My partner has a son from a previous relationship, I’ve known him since he was only 15 months old and have been seeing him 3/4 days a week since he was 18 months old and he calls me by my name. He says he’s so lucky that he has a mummy, a daddy and an ‘Emily’ and not just a mummy and a daddy like other little people he has an ‘extra person’ as he puts it. Which is completely fine I am perfectly happy being ‘Emily’. His mum has split up from her boyfriend who he saw 3/4 days a week and has basically forgotten he ever existed apart from the odd story where he’ll say ‘mummy and Ben did this with me a really long time ago’. But he doesn’t ask where ‘Ben’ is.

I think that if kids are secure enough in their relationships with their parents they don’t rely on step parents the same way and it’s not much different I an aunt or uncle you don’t see so much - was the case for me anyway but what do I know

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I love this x

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/10/2022 22:16

ClappingWatcher · 18/10/2022 21:42

I think most kids use step mum/dad because it’s become the norm. I don’t think it’s actually the best for anyone involved. It’s confusing for younger kids. It adds pressure and duty. I think we’d be better off without the terms.

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It’s always been the norm.

But given that a lot of step parents do perform support parent duties, and need to for kids to be cared for, what worries you about it?

SenecaFallsRedux · 19/10/2022 01:11

once they leave, they literally are no longer your parent.They are your parent's ex and that's it.

"That's it" is not a universal experience. My father and stepmother divorced after a long marriage, and she continued to be part of my life until her death. My son is divorced and still has a relationship with his former stepson.

In both cases, there are younger half siblings and I think the continued relationships had a lot to do with that as well.

ArcticSkewer · 19/10/2022 05:46

SenecaFallsRedux · 19/10/2022 01:11

once they leave, they literally are no longer your parent.They are your parent's ex and that's it.

"That's it" is not a universal experience. My father and stepmother divorced after a long marriage, and she continued to be part of my life until her death. My son is divorced and still has a relationship with his former stepson.

In both cases, there are younger half siblings and I think the continued relationships had a lot to do with that as well.

It's as near universal an experience as to be universal

You perhaps don't realise that because of your two personal experiences.

Think about those outside your family. Your friends and your children's friends.
I know perhaps 50 examples of families with step relationships (that's through 3 children at school plus my friends). I can't think of one example where the step families stayed in touch after a split. And a split is a fairly likely outcome. These are often not particularly long lasting relationships, but the children are expected to consider the new adults as their parents for the time their actual parent is dating them.

We're not always talking re-marriage after a long time dating. Think of all those 1-3 year dating experiences with people you know where the word 'step' starts being used. Oh ... sorry ... bonus.

Some of my friends have been very upset after their relationship ended and they never heard from children (or adult children) they had loved again. Others of my friends have been surprised that their ex walked away from their kids and didn't try to stay in touch. Well .... duh .... not their kids! These are fake relationships forged through necessity. Which is why they don't continue beyond the end of the main partnership.

Even in your example of your son, it sounds like the actual relationship was between the new children and their parent, so the step child kept seeing the adult by default as they came to see the other sibling. At that point, of half rather than step, the family is becoming more blended or enmeshed. Would your son have stayed in touch otherwise? Even when his stepchild had a new bonus parent on the scene? Don't you think that new bonus parent would have been a bit suspicious about why a non related male kept rocking up to his new girlfriend's house? To see a child he has no blood tie to and perhaps only knew for a year or two. Really not the norm.

It's nice that in your case, after a long marriage, you stayed in touch with your step mother. Remember that we don't just use the word step/bonus after many years of marriage. Did you stay in touch with all your dad's ex-girlfriends? (hopefully you didn't have that experience but lots of children will have a bonus parent every year-every other year).

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 19/10/2022 06:42

Yes to referring to kids as bonus kids. Definitely better.

No to asking kids to refer to their parents new partner(s) as bonus mum/dad, or adults introducing/referring to themselves as such. Adults don't need this accommodation and a child could be made to feel uncomfortable if they feel that bonus is supposed to be more special.

sandytooth · 19/10/2022 06:46

Nah people will just moan about the bonus parents. It doesn't matter whay they are called some people just hate them

ZeroFuchsGiven · 19/10/2022 06:49

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