Page 5 | What’s it like to be a lovely calm person?

Rocklobstershell · 2022-10-18T15:08:40+00:00

I’ve suffered with anxiety for pretty much all my life (I was even an anxious child). I was wondering today what it must be like to slip into the mind of someone who doesn’t flap, doesn’t fear the worst and lives a lovely calm and tranquil life. If you are a calm and collected person please tell me what it’s like on your head please? Do you get bemused by people who flap about like headless chickens? Are there any downsides of being ultra calm? We’re you always this way or is it something you have taught yourself to be?

SirChenjins · 20/10/2022 17:21

No, you can’t simply ‘desire’ not to do that - it’s not how anxiety works any more than you can desire away T1 diabetes.

You will note from the rest of my post that I said that meds (from the GP obvs) is one way of dealing with it so we agree on that.

cowskeepingmeupatnight · 20/10/2022 18:36

Ok, so my husband has chronic, diagnosed anxiety and OCD. I don’t have anyone to talk to about it because he doesn’t want me to tell anyone, which I accept. His parents know but they don’t really want to talk about it either.

So I feel like I have a good understanding of how anxious people think and how debilitating it can be. But I also have experience of how fucking irritating it can be to be around. Anxious people can be massive hypocrites, as they hold everyone to a higher standard than themselves, because ‘anxiety’. They can also be very draining, as they witter on and on about the same old tropes. ‘Did I run someone over?’ ‘Is that blood on the wall?’ And don’t get me started on making decisions, round and round we go, seeking reassurance and chewing the fat. It sucks the joy out of even the nice things, like going to view a house or packing for a holiday.

Its really hard to be a calm person supporting someone with anxiety, because the support is so one way. Sometimes tough love is the only answer, because if you engage in the worries then you’re enabling the anxiety. The fact is, the only way past anxiety is through it. My husband is really good at always challenging himself - therapy, constant exposure to fears, meditation, self reflection - and that’s what gives me the respect and energy to carry on. So I get what PPs mean when they say anxious people have to put their big kid pants on and front up, because sorry but they do. For their sakes and for the people who love them. I know it’s harder than it sounds, but we need to see you try.

OriginalUsername2 · 20/10/2022 18:44

“Richard Grannon 5 finger mnemonic” on YouTube worked for me. (After getting the toxic people out of my life. Check your surroundings!)

m.youtube.com/watch?v=n69gTNq5100

This has pretty much been the first year of my adult life that I’m not riddled with full body anxiety. It feels bloody fantastic!

OriginalUsername2 · 20/10/2022 18:46

Also, Sertraline.

optimistic40 · 20/10/2022 19:11

I find this question and the responses really interesting!

I'm neither a flapper nor really calm - somewhere in between. I seldom worry about what might happen, but I do rush about swearing under my breath because I'm a single working parent and it's all a bit busy at times.

Anyway I noticed that people seem to think that the outwardly calm quiet ones don't worry. I have seen the opposite in my parter, my previous partner, and my dad. For example my partner had a difficult work situation and although he didn't talk about it, he was near-silent (he's always quiet but this was something else). He lost interest in sex and became unaffectionate. If I hadn't seen him exactly the same during lockdown I'd have thought he'd gone off me. I'm not sure that seeming very calm and being very calm are the same at all! I talk through any concerns more readily, but inside don't really stress, if that makes sense.

Also: I don't think things like fear of flying are the same thing as being a flapper. I love flying but I think that phobias can affect anyone whether chilled or flappy.

optimistic40 · 20/10/2022 19:17

More from me! Haha. I like this topic.

I have PMDD and really see the difference in the various points of the month. So post ovulation I can be really, really chilled. And to the poster who asked about creativity: that's when I'm more creative or even interested in my paintings. Pre ovulation I get really excited and cheery but also more prone to panic responses (which I try to hide).

mamabear715 · 20/10/2022 19:18

@SpentDandelion I couldn't have put it better myself. :-)

SirChenjins · 20/10/2022 21:26

cowskeepingmeupatnight · 20/10/2022 18:36

Ok, so my husband has chronic, diagnosed anxiety and OCD. I don’t have anyone to talk to about it because he doesn’t want me to tell anyone, which I accept. His parents know but they don’t really want to talk about it either.

So I feel like I have a good understanding of how anxious people think and how debilitating it can be. But I also have experience of how fucking irritating it can be to be around. Anxious people can be massive hypocrites, as they hold everyone to a higher standard than themselves, because ‘anxiety’. They can also be very draining, as they witter on and on about the same old tropes. ‘Did I run someone over?’ ‘Is that blood on the wall?’ And don’t get me started on making decisions, round and round we go, seeking reassurance and chewing the fat. It sucks the joy out of even the nice things, like going to view a house or packing for a holiday.

Its really hard to be a calm person supporting someone with anxiety, because the support is so one way. Sometimes tough love is the only answer, because if you engage in the worries then you’re enabling the anxiety. The fact is, the only way past anxiety is through it. My husband is really good at always challenging himself - therapy, constant exposure to fears, meditation, self reflection - and that’s what gives me the respect and energy to carry on. So I get what PPs mean when they say anxious people have to put their big kid pants on and front up, because sorry but they do. For their sakes and for the people who love them. I know it’s harder than it sounds, but we need to see you try.

Are you really married to someone with diagnosed anxiety? You seem to have a very poor grasp of what it means and a very low opinion of people with it. I’m sure, given your deep insight into the condition, that you’ll be aware that anxiety and depression often go hand in hand, and people with mental I’ll health don’t always behave or think rationally. So save your hypocrites and your witterings and we need to see you try and your sorry’s because you obviously don’t have a fucking clue.

AlmostOver22 · 20/10/2022 21:31

Anxious people should not ask themselves the question “what’s the worst that could happen” without supervision because we are expert catastrophisers… I can easily get from some minor work problem to losing my job/home/family if left to my own devices 😬

cowskeepingmeupatnight · 20/10/2022 21:38

@SirChenjins whereas you are a bastion of compassion and understanding?

Yes, I really am married to someone with diagnosed anxiety and I do have a good understanding of it. I’d sure I’d know that better than you given I live my life and you’ve made assumptions based on one short message.

I probably don’t sound very sympathetic because I deal with it all day, every day (we both live rurally and work from home) and I have absolutely nobody to talk to about it. And I would never say these things to my husband in this way, but I felt I could say them here.

Sorry if I’ve touched a nerve but sometimes supporting someone with anxiety fucking sucks. We’ve all got shit going on you know.

SirChenjins · 20/10/2022 22:08

No, not a bastion of anything - but I certainly have more sympathy, compassion, awareness and tolerance than you based on your last post.

cowskeepingmeupatnight · 20/10/2022 22:14

@SirChenjins you haven’t a bloody clue.

SirChenjins · 20/10/2022 22:16

And neither do you - that much is clear from your post.

cowskeepingmeupatnight · 20/10/2022 22:18

@SirChenjins well I have about 8 years of regularly picking up the fucking pieces and making massive sacrifices, so yes, I do.

SirChenjins · 20/10/2022 22:20

And yet you still seem completely lacking in awareness, understanding and insight.

FayeGovan · 20/10/2022 22:25

I worry like hell. Im jealous of you non worriers. I know there's no point in worrying but i cant stop. I hate it.

cowskeepingmeupatnight · 20/10/2022 22:27

@SirChenjins no, I’m not at all. Anyway I’m done with you judging me with absolutely no context or willingness to see how hard it might be. People who care for people with anxiety are not saints. We get exhausted, and isolated, and pretty resentful sometimes. And the people we support don’t even see it because it’s all about them and their needs.

Do you know I once told my husband my dad used to hit my mum when I was a child. I never talk about that stuff. His response? ‘I wish you hadn’t told me that. I don’t know how I’ll handle knowing that’.

Try that ad fucking infinitum.

FayeGovan · 20/10/2022 22:32

@SirChenjins , you kind of shut down @cowskeepingmeupatnight there, when they admitted they cant talk about this with anyone in real life. I dont think that's fair. Everyone has their own viewpoint on this.

SirChenjins · 20/10/2022 22:34

The ‘people’ ‘we’ support? You mean, people with anxiety and depression and other forms of mental illness who witter on, who just need to put on their big pants, the fucking irritating people, the massive hypocrites, the people ‘we’ need to see try?

Gotcha.

Hawkins001 · 20/10/2022 22:34

most of the time I'm unemotional , it's more a learned behaviour, due to trying to keep the peace with people, handling customers diplomatically, and in General trying too keep cool as when I'm rushed I don't focus as well at times.

howaboutchocolate · 20/10/2022 22:36

cowskeepingmeupatnight · 20/10/2022 22:27

@SirChenjins no, I’m not at all. Anyway I’m done with you judging me with absolutely no context or willingness to see how hard it might be. People who care for people with anxiety are not saints. We get exhausted, and isolated, and pretty resentful sometimes. And the people we support don’t even see it because it’s all about them and their needs.

Do you know I once told my husband my dad used to hit my mum when I was a child. I never talk about that stuff. His response? ‘I wish you hadn’t told me that. I don’t know how I’ll handle knowing that’.

Try that ad fucking infinitum.

It sounds really hard for you. However you're making some big generalisations based on your experience with one person. Not everyone with anxiety treats their loved ones like that. I don't - my anxiety wouldn't let me! My DH often has no idea I'm even struggling until I tell him, because I'm good at hiding it, and then he's always absolutely lovely and supportive and I appreciate him a LOT.

howaboutchocolate · 20/10/2022 22:36

cowskeepingmeupatnight · 20/10/2022 22:27

@SirChenjins no, I’m not at all. Anyway I’m done with you judging me with absolutely no context or willingness to see how hard it might be. People who care for people with anxiety are not saints. We get exhausted, and isolated, and pretty resentful sometimes. And the people we support don’t even see it because it’s all about them and their needs.

Do you know I once told my husband my dad used to hit my mum when I was a child. I never talk about that stuff. His response? ‘I wish you hadn’t told me that. I don’t know how I’ll handle knowing that’.

Try that ad fucking infinitum.

It sounds really hard for you. However you're making some big generalisations based on your experience with one person. Not everyone with anxiety treats their loved ones like that. I don't - my anxiety wouldn't let me! My DH often has no idea I'm even struggling until I tell him, because I'm good at hiding it, and then he's always absolutely lovely and supportive and I appreciate him a LOT.

SirChenjins · 20/10/2022 22:38

@FayeGovan you know what? When someone posts really quite offensive descriptions of people like me who have had anxiety and depression all their lives, and who have to work really hard to overcome them and stay well then she might just find these descriptions challenged.

FayeGovan · 20/10/2022 22:44

There's nothing wrong with challenging someone @SirChenjins but she sounds like she needs to talk about it too. You've both got things to say, just from different viewpoints.

SirChenjins · 20/10/2022 22:49

And it’s perfectly possible to talk about it without describing people with mental health problems as fucking irritating people who just need to put on their big pants and try etc etc.