What’s it like to be a lovely calm person?

[Rocklobstershell]

I’ve suffered with anxiety for pretty much all my life (I was even an anxious child). I was wondering today what it must be like to slip into the mind of someone who doesn’t flap, doesn’t fear the worst and lives a lovely calm and tranquil life.

If you are a calm and collected person please tell me what it’s like on your head please? Do you get bemused by people who flap about like headless chickens? Are there any downsides of being ultra calm? We’re you always this way or is it something you have taught yourself to be?

I am a calm and collected person. I live with lots of stress but I do my best to manage it without getting flustered. I do feel things acutely but I think I'm able to rationalise emotion. Eg... I have a son with additional needs, I have stress at nursery, I can feel upset but then I'm able quite quickly to contextualise actually everything is okay, we will find solutions and I want to be calm.

I practice a lot of yoga and do many mindfulness and relaxation activities, maybe that helps?

How do you know if you’re anxious? I don’t spend time worrying about what might happen (i can’t change most of it, after all) but I do spend a lot of time feeling stressed and under pressure, trying to balance everything. Is that different?

I find the bigger things, like for example a cracked bumper, or smashed windscreen I can look at logically, but the small things trouble me. I'm still flapping that Tesco are out of leeks which means I'll need to visit every supermarket in town in search of a bloody leek. Oh and my delivery isn't timed well with the fact I need an avocado for Monday's tea. What if it's rock hard? So I'll need to go out, which uses petrol, what if there's nowhere to park near home? So yes, it's the daily totally irrationally anxiety-inducing things I suffer with.

I only really achieve calm by smoking cannabis, not very helpful but it's the only way I get there!

No one is calm all the time about everything. Some people flap but don’t show it.
I’m generally calm. People at work know my go to phrase is ‘I’ll figure it out…’, usually when I have no plan in terms of how or when to get something done, and 95% of the time I do. I’m in my 30s now and can look back and see that generally things you worried about turn out fine - when shit hits the fan it’s often when you least expect it! Worrying excessively is a bit of a waste of time.
It will be fine when it’s over… if it’s not fine then it’s not over!
I know you talk about worrying about being ‘seconds away from the jaws of death’ on an aeroplane. I guess that makes some anxious - for me that’s a good reason to not waste my time worrying to be honest. Life really is too short.

I’m a very calm person, both my parents were calm and easy going. I’m logical and can put things into perspective easily. I’m very aware that I lack emotion to some extent for instance I’ve never cried at a film. I have a very anxious daughter and anxious paternal relatives and do find it difficult to understand their anxiety but try not to show it. I do a job which would not be possible I think if you are an anxious person. On the flip side I often don’t get round to doing things such as RSVP’ing to invites so I must get on peoples nerves!

I don't think anxiety is always an illness like Covid is an illness. I do think some people have a natural propensity to it but I also think it can be learnt behaviour. If you're made to feel the world is scary, if you don't have people around you who can help you to regulate your feelings or if you've experienced trauma then you're more likely to be anxious.

Many people can learn to be less anxious, depending on how deep rooted the anxiety. When it's a result of trauma they can sometimes work through the trauma and the anxiety lessens.

I find that if I'm around calm, supportive, positive people I'm much less likely to feel anxious than if I'm around undermining, overwhelmed or negative people.

I'm relatively calm. I have a full on job and I've noticed that when I'm really busy I don't worry about things. When I have a bit more time on my hands, anxious thoughts can creep in. It's as though being busy distracts my brain from unhelpful thoughts / anxiety requires a certain amount of brain space which I don't have when fully occupied. My Dad can also be anxious unless kept busy.

It does make down time a problem!!

This sounds absolutely exhausting.

I would just do without the leek in that situation or make something else.

I can identify with this. Lockdown was awful for it.

I think you also have to be firm with yourself about cycles of unproductive worrying. Speak the kind of gentle advice to yourself you would give to others - "you can only do your best" "it's only one day" etc.

I appear calm, it's generally commented on.... However, internally I feel stressed, and anxious as the next person. I am good in an emergency however, and I am pretty much solution focussed and don't like to give much headspace to unproductive thoughts if I am really up against it.

I definitely experience the full range of emotions, but only really exhibit them to my nearest and dearest.

This thread is pretty interesting.... I had never before reading pp linked my childhood with this "calm" trait. Like many others, I learned not to react in a way which could provoke anger from my parents.

I would not describe myself as calm, but others do. I work in a high stress environment and am repeatedly told how calm I am and people like that in the job we do.

I would say I am more level headed about things. I am not really a worrier as and don't over analyse things. I am very pro active so I problem solve and sort things out, that's my focus when I hit a problem. I don't know if that sets me apart from those with anxiety or not.

I have a few friends who are very anxious and constantly worried about something, usually lots of things. They always looks so stressed. I just could not live like that, so I would say for me, the lack of stress is the main difference, and learning to realise that there are some things you can change, so change them if needed, but also there are some things that are out if your control so very little point worrying about them, you can only deal with the consequences.

I don't think that's anxiety. It sounds like stress.

I have generalised anxiety disorder. I get paralysed by fear (of failure, usually but not always) and can't focus, I have panic attacks. When it's really bad (rarely thankfully) I get lost in a spiral of worrying about all kinds of things and living seems far too overwhelming.
Talking therapies and medication helps. People who say things like "it's not worth worrying about" really do not help.

Anxiety, worry, stress and overthinking are taking over my life at the moment. I wish citopram worked as well for me as it has for others here

I've been awake for hours as I cannot switch my brain off my worries. Work mainly
It's not for me a choice to think about something else. I've tried to use my happy memories but gave up and came and got coffee and my phone

I need tactics for when the thought overwhelm me and I want to flee
People come to me for advice and I can help them/ talk them round but for whatever reason I can't do it for myself. It's exhausting

I might appear calm on the outside but am a bundle of nerves on the inside.

People who know me will say I'm calm and laid back. It's true that I don't get in a flap over situations because I go straight into a practical mode. I'm Very practical by nature. My thoughts and energy gets directed immediately into finding a solution so that helps me stay calm and get out of the situation (hopefully!)

Motorway driving I’ve always enjoyed, so for me it's like a satisfying road trip: usually I'm going somewhere nice that I'm looking forward to getting to, and I like the speed and fact we have 3 lanes to choose from. The stress comes when you miss an exit or have to try to hold your bladder shut in an unexpected hold up on the motorway! Other than that it's fine. Can't imagine worrying I could die.

I do wonder if heightened anxiety could be linked to personality type A or B?

I need tactics for when the thought overwhelm me and I want to flee

@Livingonjuice have a look at Dr Claire Weekes on YouTube.

anxiety isn’t a choice! I don’t choose to be anxious the same way I don’t choose to have adhd!

in the space of 14 months I’ve had 3 life changing events happening, my dh died pretty quickly from cancer, I married in hospital, 8 days later he was gone. My mum now has cancer and is pretty ill with it,

add to that my children have now fallen apart themselves and one of them, only 12 has panic attacks and fear that I will die too, it affects her so much that I can’t go anywhere or do anything without her. I’m also under investigation for unexplained arrhythmia in the heart..my heart could fail at any time.

to a pp that said that the chance of bad things happening are really low and they can usually be rectified, well no they can’t, you can’t resurrect the dead, you can’t stop a child that is suffering with all the bad shit that’s happened to her in her short 12 years and there’s a lot.

im on medication which has helped with the panic but the anxiety that comes on and makes me worry, I can’t stop that. Adhd makes my symptoms worse, can’t have meds for that because again it could damage my heart.

Have you had any therapy? Maybe go and see a private therapist for six or so sessions. Listen to the Panic Pod podcast. Watch Paige Pradko on YouTube. Practise facing at least one of your fears for a short period of time every day (learn about the anxiety cycle). Watch Therapy in a Nutshell on YouTube on processing your emotions. Do yoga or Pilates.

I'm not saying these are cures, but they may help you to manage your anxiety a bit so it's not taking over your life.

I'm so very sorry

It sounds like you need a massive amount of support and empathy. What you are going through is a completely natural response to grief and pain. Your world has imploded and you have so much to deal with. Is there any chance you could see a grief counsellor to get some initial support to work through your grief? It may help to release some of your anxiety.

As for your child, her fears are perfectly normal too. One of the ways we protect ourselves from our fears is to imagine that bad things happen to other people. When it actually happens to us, it pierces that armour.

Have you been in touch with Winston's Wish. They help bereaved children and I've heard excellent things about them.

Sending love. You deserve to have someone there to provide you with back up at the moment.

I genuinely don't understand anxious people. I don't spend time worrying about stuff that might happen. I don't know if I'm a calm person but I'm not a stressor and useful in a crisis as I'm logical and practical, so is my DH.I try to be organised to prepare for things but I'll deal with anything as it happens, worrying is a waste of time and energy.

Eckhart Tolle’s talks (free on YouTube) are worth listening to to understand the nuts and bolts of how to live a calm life, free of thinking and more present.

There’s a difference between being calm because you’re numbed or dissociated from feelings, and being calm when you’re genuinely present with your feelings.

I have had anxiety all my life. My mum took me to the doctor aged 2 because she found me sitting quietly with tears rolling down my cheeks. He diagnosed me with ‘a nervous breakdown’ (it was the 1970s).

I finally started taking Citalopram in my forties, so I had a brief window of bliss, but now the menopause has hit and my children have grown up and WHAM. Back to square one.

Having grown-up children is horrifically anxiety-inducing. For example, one of them has a persistent health issue he will not go to the gp with. I keep reminding him, but beyond that there’s nothing I can do because he’s 24. So I worry and worry and worry. All the CBT in the world won’t take away the ‘what-ifs’.

I’m exhausted.