How do I help my DD (15) Friends disappearing, along with any remaining self confidence 😞

[Lemoncellohello]

Hi,

I am incredibly upset for my dd and have actually been in tears this afternoon after a text chat with her saying that she's on her own yet again and this seems to be becoming the norm. She has always struggled socially, but made a nice little group of friends in year 7, but over time they all seem to have disappeared and moved to other groups. A couple have even just said outright, I just don't want to be your friend anymore 😕 Most have just fizzled and stone cold ignored her. She says there are people in her school who she talks to online, but when she goes to say hello in person, they completely blank her. My heart honestly breaks for her.

She had come such a long way, but now finds herself back at square one. She's quirky. She's not interested in talking about drama (apart from the actual subject!) , make up and boys. She'd much rather talk anime and nature. There just aren't many people like that, in her school anyway.

She's got so much going for her. She's funny, incredibly creative and talented, loyal and very thoughtful, but she does stand out as a little different.

How can I help her? There's only so many times I can tell her that she's bloody brilliant as she is and she'll find her people eventually, no rush etc, but when she looks me in the eyes and says, "but they always leave" what do I say to that?!

Every time I speak to school, they suggest counselling, but I don't think that's the way to go. It seems like all the 'different' kids who are struggling and/or being bullied are in counselling in school, almost as a safe space, rather than anything else. Her one remaining friend she never sees anymore because she's always in therapy and I don't think there's any improvement from the sounds of it. I think it's just somewhere for her to hide and vent.

Anyway, I could really do with some advice. Would be very grateful.

TIA

Does she do any clubs based on her interests? I'm surprised what your dd is in to isn't shared by other dc in the school as there are certainly plenty dc with interests as you describe at DD's school and others locally.

I'd second the idea of clubs outside of school, for anything really - dance, riding, volleyball etc. Can she get a job somewhere with other people around?

At least you say she has some online friends, and things do get enormously better in Y12 when people shift around and generally get nicer to be around. It is so hard though.

So sorry op, I know how this feels to a certain extent as both my dds have experienced this too. It's better at the moment & they seem to have found their 'tribe' - for now! But friendships at this age fluctuate so much, it mystifies me until I remember being in my teens too, it's all so...impermanent. Like you I tell my girls they are amazing and very worthy of friendships. One dd has had counselling which has helped with her confidence quite a bit. My other dd still gets upset if people snub her or are unkind, and I struggle to know how to deal with that too as it makes me cross and emotional. I encourage both of my dds to have friendships in lots of areas, not just form groups but other classes and interests. Does your dd have any after school clubs or sports she could join? I really empathise op.

At 15 it's possibly unlikely she'll make new friends at school. Friendship groups are usually established and it's a really tricky age.
Would definitely focus on hobby/out of school friends. Her interests definitely lend themselves to clubs and interest groups.

If it's really bad could she go to 6th form at a new school to start again?
Would knowing she only has a year to go give her comfort?

My daughter had counselling at a younger age and it transformed her relationship with friends. A lot of issues are rooted in self esteem.

Would be worth her having counselling; especially if she changes school. It's well known that bullying and friendship issues to tend to follow children, so if there are issues that are getting in the way or holding her back they could be worked through.

You have my sympathy. It's heartbreaking seeing your children hurting x

Trust me, she will be ok. At 15 I had a group of 'friends' who showed their true colours as we progressed to 6th form. am not in contact with any of them. Now in my 30s, I have some great friends that I met at university and in adult life. She will be just fine. 15 is a horrible age where friendships are fickle and gossip is rife (even wore now with technology).

Trust me she'll be okay.

I was the same I loved anime, manga, video games in senior school.

When I went to college I found my people.

It's really tough.

She needs to meet new people. Clubs such as scout explorers, sports clubs, or volunteering could help.

When will she be 16? A part time job could actually be the gateway to a better social group, if she picks the right type of job (ie a resonable number of young employees all working together like at a leisure centre, large cafe/restaurant, supermarket etc).

6th form or college somewhere new after GCSEs would give a fresh start to a new friendship group.

It sounds very much like my youngest dd. Diagnosed with autism at 18.
Masked throughout school

Thanks so much for all the replies and kind, reassuring words.

To answer some questions, she actually really does want to do her A levels somewhere new. Preferably a college rather than 6th form and we're actually all ready for a move. That would be difficult to align all that though. That's not to say she still couldn't move schools though, without us moving area!

Regarding clubs, there doesn't appear to be any in school she's interested in and right now most of her spare time is spent revising or seeing her dad (we're not together) I do try to push this, but she really doesn't feel she has the time. I think a lot of it is fear of rejection again though.

@forrestgreen yes, I suspect she is on the spectrum, but generally speaking she got on OK and didn't really need any real intervention, so we never pushed for a diagnosis. Can I ask how your dd is getting on now?

Just to say sorry and I can empathise . My daughter who is 18 seems to struggle to keep friends that she has made and gets upset if she is snubbed. We have thought about counselling for her but she seems a bit better now.

Much better now. She didn't want a diagnosis earlier. But got to the point that she didn't understand herself. She got the diagnosis at 18, college we're in disbelief really. But they didn't see the shut downs when she got home.
Like yours, struggled with friends. She basically found others who didn't like the lunches and breaks, they formed a 'gang' who sat there with headphones in.
She found a charity who offered counselling which helped.
Oh read the girl with the curl (I think)

My sibling is autistic and had exactly the same thing. They also sometimes struggled to tell when people were actually being friendly to them.

Out of school clubs helped, going to a new school for A levels would probably have helped too. Speaking to someone (not counselling but similar "safe space") helped the most. Has a great life now.

Why don't you do some research into what clubs are around? If not official clubs how about things like litter picks or board game cafe type spaces that feel sociable to fill that gap a bit

If you think she may be autistic it will be helpful for her self awareness to know that ?

My brother had a breakdown at sixth form age that was when his struggle with his undiagnoses autism became very difficult for him. I think being part of an autistic community and knowing she is autistic is helping my own daughter although she is youngwr than yours.

Separately its a difficult age and I remember the relief of leaving all the drama and nonsense behind at sixth form.

When you say she doesn't want to talk about some subjects...is she lacking the social skills and flexibility to just fake it a bit as many do ? If people are telling her they dont want to be her friend...is there anythinf she is doing that people dont like ?

Im not saying that as a criticism just that as parent of a very quirky girl myself I do have to try and coach her a bit in this stuff

Huge sympathies though its so painful

She will probablz find her tribe when she gets older but it may be useful to help her think about her own social skills

I recommend the book drama queen by sara Gibbs about growing up undiagnoses autistic

I was so happy to go to a sixth form that was completely different to my school....highly recommend that

I think at her age you need to accept that at school things won't change now. My DD has mates at school but isn't terribly bothered about socialising outside of school. She's content with that although she does have a part time job to keep her busy.
I know you say your DD is sad about it all though so that's the difference. I would absolutely ensure a new start at college if possible. My DD and I pop to town or cinema or potter about at home.
I remember myself my social life just coming alive at college, so many different people and all so much more chill than school.
Especially if she takes some subjects linked to her interests there will be plenty in common.
A close friends son had a similar path to your DD and has just started at college, he loves it and has joined a few clubs and been out on a date, she is so happy for him.

Set her up with a couple of international pen friends- writing letters is so cathartic and develops a different but valuable friendship. Help her learn that the people at school aren't the be all and end all...

She's quirky. She's not interested in talking about drama (apart from the actual subject!) , make up and boys.

If she just wants people to hang out with then she probably needs to fake an interest in some of the stuff that the people she wants to hang out with are interested in.

Agree with others, it's probably too late to find a gang at school, but she'll be ok at college. S, I know it's tough.

Clubs are great, she should try to make time for one. If she's interested in drama is there a school play she can get involved in?

Counselling may help

college rather than 6th form

weekend activities ie gardening in local park/volunteering/sport will help mix with people and boost her communication ability/job

If the school keep recommending counselling, why don't you try it? From what you're saying, it sounds like it's a "one size fits all" solution as far as the school are concerned but, you never know, it may help your DD.
I was one of those people who never had proper friends until I found my "people" at University. Secondary school was a pretty lonely and miserable experience. Looking back, there were a few things I didn't do to help myself and a few things I just didn't seem to "get" which others did. Someone to talk to who was objective and also knew how friendships worked could have been really helpful for me.

Your DD probably isn't autistic, OP. There are many on MN who are on a mission to label their own kids and other people's. All teens are a bit quirky. Stop making a big deal of the situation (easier said than done, I know!), you can't solve it and if you empathise too deeply she'll start to feel like a victim. Encourage the revision and her art and look forward to Sixth Form (without bigging it up) and a part time job.

My DD has flourished at college with new friends and - gulp! - a boyfriend 🙂

Best of luck.

Aww bless her, I remember that age all to well, that was in a girls school and my god some of them could be mean! I do remember it all calmed down in 6th form people just seemed to grow up, maybe it's the fact they are treated more like adults in 6th form and able to chose subjects they actually want to do (mind you this was in days before SM). My ds15 is also into anime and is learning Japanese he has a group of mates into the same stuff, has she tried being friends with some of the boys or is that a no no in her school?

Are there things she is interested in that she could do out of school? Some has suggested this? Dance, gym, art, evening class, etc?

It's really lovely to hear some success stories. I am often told that things change quite dramatically in 6th form. I think college is her preference because it's completely away from the high school environment. She tends to get on better with people younger or older than her.

There aren't many groups around here unfortunately. Not groups she'd be interested in anyway. An arts and craft class would be great!

As others have said, do everything you can to help her find interests/groups that aren't focused around school. Celebrate how your child is different if you can (creative talent is an amazing skill).

My niece has had mixed experiences in the earlier years of secondary school but made friends with teens with shared interests outside of school, which then led to friendships within school too.
I'm proud of her for being herself, for being curious, forming her own opinions instead of parroting the latest influencer, for being interested in something more than watching make up tutorials on Tik Tok.

School can be brutal - Kids develop a pack mentality. 'Be Kind' sadly hasn't been taken to heart and is little more than a brand to wear on a t-shirt. So much for inclusion and celebrating diversity.