How do I help my DD (15) Friends disappearing, along with any remaining self confidence 😞

[Lemoncellohello]

Hi,

I am incredibly upset for my dd and have actually been in tears this afternoon after a text chat with her saying that she's on her own yet again and this seems to be becoming the norm. She has always struggled socially, but made a nice little group of friends in year 7, but over time they all seem to have disappeared and moved to other groups. A couple have even just said outright, I just don't want to be your friend anymore 😕 Most have just fizzled and stone cold ignored her. She says there are people in her school who she talks to online, but when she goes to say hello in person, they completely blank her. My heart honestly breaks for her.

She had come such a long way, but now finds herself back at square one. She's quirky. She's not interested in talking about drama (apart from the actual subject!) , make up and boys. She'd much rather talk anime and nature. There just aren't many people like that, in her school anyway.

She's got so much going for her. She's funny, incredibly creative and talented, loyal and very thoughtful, but she does stand out as a little different.

How can I help her? There's only so many times I can tell her that she's bloody brilliant as she is and she'll find her people eventually, no rush etc, but when she looks me in the eyes and says, "but they always leave" what do I say to that?!

Every time I speak to school, they suggest counselling, but I don't think that's the way to go. It seems like all the 'different' kids who are struggling and/or being bullied are in counselling in school, almost as a safe space, rather than anything else. Her one remaining friend she never sees anymore because she's always in therapy and I don't think there's any improvement from the sounds of it. I think it's just somewhere for her to hide and vent.

Anyway, I could really do with some advice. Would be very grateful.

TIA

I have to say that both my DD’s really found 14 & 15 extremely difficult to navigate socially. A lot of similar situations like you described. They’re now 18 & 16 and things have really stabilized.

I don't have any advice but wanted to say I know what you and your DD are going through. My DD2 is also 15 and going through something similar and sounds very like your own DD - quirky and a little different. It's heartbreaking because she is always the one to be the peacemaker who never liked her friends falling out - yet here she is, alone most of the time because in my mind she it just too nice and gentle.

My DD is also considering moving to a college next year instead of staying at 6th form and I think it would be a better environment for her. In the meantime all I can suggest is to be around her when she gets home, spend time together doing/talking about what she likes.

I read your post and thought what a lovely young lady your DD sounds, and yourself a great mum.
As others have said it's a tough age and you want to help them through these years as best you can. I've been through very similar times with my DD, like yours she did not like the gossip and drama and wanted one nice friend. You feel like it's not much to ask right?
I think having someone to chat to or just a listening ear is great. As a parent it's we say to try and step in too much though with advice and I prob used to give too much! I used to tell mine to focus on what she could control eg. whether she was kind to others etc. Unfortunately it's out of our control at any age in life if people choose to be ignorant or unpleasant. One thing that did give mine some distraction from school and some confidence was a martial arts class.
I was interested to hear that she wanted an arts and crafts class as it would be my dream to set up such a thing for youngsters, it is tremendous for relaxation and distraction.
I hope you are finding help and comfort here OP and to know other parents can empathize. Your DD will be fine I'm sure.

Sorry, it should read as parents it's easy to step in...

You mentioned she likes drama - a drama club or youth theatre around? Even if it's a short trip away things like that can be a lifeline for "misfit" (and I mean that lovingly - I was one) kids who haven't yet found their confidence or their people in school. Builds confidence too.

I as like that at 15. I found my tribe in FE college and University.

She will blossom when she finds her tribe. In the meantime, I'm guessing lunchtimes are hard, because others notice she's on her own? I was like this, and I volunteered to help out. I got on really well with a couple of teachers, and they let me prep stuff for their lessons, make displays and generally get away from the bitchy girls. I had some of my best times at school doing that.

Also, helping the younger kids use the library kept me busy too. I ran a chess club one day a week. Out-of-school activities really helped me too - I knew I had friends doing my hobbies.

I think a fresh start at 6th form sounds good. In meantime I’d encourage hobbies and maybe a pt job. Has she thought of Rangers (older Guides) they do crafts, community projects etc. It’s a quirky eclectic group at ours.
I’d encourage her to try counselling via school.
A couple of things you say make me think of a girl I know who is always on periphery. Basically not having same interests and not feigning interest or taking turns - so not reading the room - droning on about x niche subject. She doesn’t pick
up on social clues. The other girls aren’t unkind to her and we obviously encourage everyone participating but when she tells me no one will play with her at school I feel sorry for her but can see why.

If she gets on with younger then volunteering could be good eg some of dcs friends work in an after school club (age 16) or rainbows or brownies have young leaders - lots of craft activities.

@AugustRose thanks for your post. It's nice to know we're not alone. If only they were in the same school! 😁 Yes, mine is also very much a peacemaker and most of the time doesn't expect the same kind of loyalty, but occasionally she'll say " it would be nice if x asked if I was OK for a change". As hard as it is to hear, because I can see she's really upset, I'm almost glad to hear her say it, because she sees that she deserves it, like anyone else and isn't just accepting it and believing it's because of who she is.

@shadypines thanks for such a kind post. I was actually thinking of suggesting she took up a martial arts class. Think it could be really good for her.

@caffelattetogo thank you, I really hope so.

@Dixiechickonhols I know what you're saying. Even though my dd isn't being unkind, she can sometimes forget that not everyone will have the same interests and that doesn't mean she doesn't need to make an effort, but I know she can find it exhausting. I do see her try, but it really takes it out of her sometimes.

Has she got an autism diagnosis? I know some adults feel it helps so they know why not just they don’t fit in. School would also need to ensure reasonable adjustments and exam breaks/extra time. Not saying she is but it might be worth your dd exploring.
She sounds lovely. Definitely think about Rangers if there’s one nearby it’s a very mixed group of girls at ours so hopefully she would find her niche.
My dd has made a friend at sixth form who was bullied no friends in yr 11 and barely attended - she’s travelling miles to sixth form for a fresh start and has slotted into my dds group who are an eclectic mix (my dd has a physical disability)

My quirky 15 yr old goes to Rangers too. Worth finding out if there's a group near you.
Things like art and drama clubs aren't always well publicised. Some artists might be willing to offer tuition - DD goes to an art club, her teacher is quite a successful local artist but teaches as well. If you have a theatre nearby they often have youth groups affiliated too.

@Dixiechickonhols No, no diagnosis. She has kind of self diagnosed herself though, which on the surface might sound like a terrible idea, but I think because there's so much more awareness now, it's helped her feel less unusual and like if she is on the spectrum, it's no big deal. I don't agree or disagree that she definitely has autism, but I do agree there are traits that she undeniably has. A diagnosis might be necessary in the future to really solidify her understanding and self acceptance, but right now she really just needs to get through this year and not go through lengthy assessments. She does already have extra time for exams etc, as she finds it difficult to process things sometimes, which may or may not be a trait.

@Beamur I can't find this club anywhere! I'm just taken to football clubs!

Rangers is girl guiding senior section nothing to do with football. If you go on their website you should be able to get info re local group.

This happened to dd and additionally the girls were awful to her in the end. Her mental health became a real issue. We moved her to a new school in the end, and so far that seems to have been the answer. She is new there and so novelty and she seems to be making new friends but crucially not over investing in any one group-she is flitting between lots of different ones.

Lots of love to you. Girls that age can be awful and it's the worst thing to see your dd so upset and not be able to help

@Dixiechickonhols I know the Rangers being mentioned isn't to do with football, but that's all that was coming up in my search. Will have another look.

@warofthemonstertrucks thank you. I'm really glad your dd is settled in her new school. Hope it continues 🙂

www.girlguiding.org.uk/what-we-do/rangers/
It's much less well known than Brownies or Guides! But there is a section within Guiding for girls 14-18. Get your DD to have a look at the website and see if it appeals. Most units will let you pitch up and give it a try for a couple of sessions.
If it's anything like the one my DD attends it's really lovely, easy going, friendly girls, and the Leaders will try and make her feel at ease. It's challenging joining clubs as a teen.

Sorry I wasn’t being rude typing on go. I’m a guide leader and really see benefits for girls. Our rangers has about 15 girls and is very active they are a really nice group but several have additional needs or quirky (the type of teenage girls who will make autumn wreaths in a church hall on a Tuesday evening aren’t the ‘cool’ crowd) You don’t need to be a member before some of ours haven’t done brownies or guides.

@Beamur thank you!

@Dixiechickonhols I didn't think you were being rude! 🙂 Sounds like it could be a good option for her. It's not easy to see where the nearest group is though - looks like you have to register your child first. Can I ask, is it weekend or weekday group? What kind of activities do you do? Thank you.

If you register interest someone should contact you. It’s volunteer run. Rangers are less popular than brownies and guides but most towns should have a group.
Ours meet fortnightly on a weeknight in term time plus sometimes weekend activities.
They do wide range of activities. Ours seem to like crafts and cooking. Plus guest speakers eg yoga teacher came in, police officer with a drugs dog. They do community volunteer activities. Active stuff - ours went on water activity day. There’s large scale activities too so for all rangers in county or country not just their group. There was a festival camp in august. Girls can chose what they do.

Ours meets fortnightly too. Usually during the week, will depend on the availability of the Leaders.
DD's unit does loads of different things. This year they've been camping, sailing, kayaking, cinema trips, board games, they've had evenings themed around relaxation, last night they dressed up in vintage outfits and played charades, festivals at home, bushcraft, they've done community events and helped out at fundraisers, painted pottery, balsam bashing, star gazing, orienteering, climbing. Every meeting is unique! They can have a say in what they do and there are activities you can do in your own time if you want to work towards awards within Guiding. As Dixiechick says, you don't have to have been in Guides before either.
DD's unit is pretty popular and has nearly 30 members.

That sounds fab. We were down to a few girls after Covid but it’s grown a lot recently.

@Dixiechickonhols , thank you for all that. Will get in touch and see where the nearest group us.

@Beamur , sounds really fun and varied 🙂