How do I help my DD (15) Friends disappearing, along with any remaining self confidence 😞

[Lemoncellohello]

Hi,

I am incredibly upset for my dd and have actually been in tears this afternoon after a text chat with her saying that she's on her own yet again and this seems to be becoming the norm. She has always struggled socially, but made a nice little group of friends in year 7, but over time they all seem to have disappeared and moved to other groups. A couple have even just said outright, I just don't want to be your friend anymore 😕 Most have just fizzled and stone cold ignored her. She says there are people in her school who she talks to online, but when she goes to say hello in person, they completely blank her. My heart honestly breaks for her.

She had come such a long way, but now finds herself back at square one. She's quirky. She's not interested in talking about drama (apart from the actual subject!) , make up and boys. She'd much rather talk anime and nature. There just aren't many people like that, in her school anyway.

She's got so much going for her. She's funny, incredibly creative and talented, loyal and very thoughtful, but she does stand out as a little different.

How can I help her? There's only so many times I can tell her that she's bloody brilliant as she is and she'll find her people eventually, no rush etc, but when she looks me in the eyes and says, "but they always leave" what do I say to that?!

Every time I speak to school, they suggest counselling, but I don't think that's the way to go. It seems like all the 'different' kids who are struggling and/or being bullied are in counselling in school, almost as a safe space, rather than anything else. Her one remaining friend she never sees anymore because she's always in therapy and I don't think there's any improvement from the sounds of it. I think it's just somewhere for her to hide and vent.

Anyway, I could really do with some advice. Would be very grateful.

TIA

I was like this in school and have always struggled with friendships but when I was 16 I got a job in the evenings and weekends and made a whole new group of friends, we were very close until it fizzled out a few years later when we all went off to uni but by then I had much more confidence socially. Pity it's gone now as an almost 40 year old but I did have fun in my late teens and twenties.

I really would recommend a job or volunteering.

Regardless of any diagnosis, at the minute she’s 15 and struggling and it’s ok, many young people do struggle and it’s a whole learning curve about themselves - I think counselling might benefit her, I think finding things outside of school that fit into her hobbies and interests and therefore will
attract people who enjoy them = potential friends is a good thing too.
online friendships are a great substitute and managed carefully quite safe, can you spend time with her doing something each week? School is only a few hours a day if outside of school things can be enjoyable the days won’t seem so bad.
can you work on building her confidence and self esteem up
in preparation for studies in a different venue.
as shallow as this might seem with make up, hair and clothing.
is there any venues near to you that have any of the things she’s interested in available?
I think at this age it’s really common to have the baby Tom fall out and to have to build up who you are and become ‘socially acceptable’ she’s not the only one please be reassured xx

If she likes Drama, is there nothing local? My DD in Y8 is quirky - her friends are an odd bunch of other quirky kids. She 'found her people' through Drama. She goes to school Drama club and is in the school shows, and a weekend club at the local small theatre. She lives for it all tbh.

My girl had a friendship group at 14/15 that dwindled away and got very bitchy in the process. She moved school for sixth form and was much happier, her one remaining friend moved also and they made new friends. It’s a tricky age. She will make friends - when I was at school I went through a similar time and then when I went on to Foundation art and then college it felt like I was suddenly among people who were my tribe.

Clubs outside school are v important and 6th form outside school. There will be something.

Mine just started year 12 6th form everything changes she’s made new friends and kept the old but groups have merged so your Dd may have better luck finding her tribe then?

Op, I think you have right said 'be yourself' but have you guided her how to 'fit in'? As sadly you can't single handedly change the culture of the school/other girls.
Being cool matters at this age. I have encouraged my dds to always retain their passions and hobbies but also to rub along if other's have different interests and show some interest in everything. Your dd might only like anime and nature, but it is important she shows interest in her friends' too.

Fashion etc has always mattered at this age. Yes it can be fake and rubbish, but it has always been the same. Fitting in is not some kind of compromise of self, it is learning to read the room and get a long with others.

I would work on trying to see how you can improve things. It might be too late, but just saying it doesn't matter you are perfect as you are will not be much of a consolation nor stand up to reality if your dd is being rejected by everyone around her. It must sound hollow to her.

If she can't repair the friendships she had before, and it is important to try and see if it can be salvaged first, then speak to the school, can she do lunch time duties, go to the library or have some kind of role in school so she is not scratching around for friends at break and lunch? This will be the time it will be hardest. Do you have family friends or friends outside of school? Step up your efforts to see them, socialise and have fun so she is having her needs met outside of school. Sign her up for local clubs and really make an effort to keep her busy and then I would have her out of that school for sixth form and into a local college where is far more likely to feel at home. There is no way I would keep her there.

The school are offering counselling because there is nothing else they can do, they can't force the other girls to be friends with her, and there is no bullying to deal with. Just different characters in the same place. Be strong op. You have to show and tell her this is just a stage and it will pass.

If school have offered counselling on several occasions, I'm a little surprised you didn't encourage your DD to try it. This might really help her

Agree with PP that clubs, volunteering, part time jobs all worth a look

I think it's really good to have interests outside school

15 can be a tricky age. I'm sure it will improve

My DD (now 18) struggled to make good friends at school too. Covid didn't help as I'd foolishly told her she'd have a great time at 6th form etc etc & then covid hit on her 16th Birthday. She had friends at school but didn't see them outside school hardly at all & they would meet up without her. She got on well with the boys & was in the more unusual/geeky group anyway. One friend was transgender & quite a few were bisexual. A lot left after year 11 to go to college so that didn't help as the ones she got on better with all left. She started Uni 5 weeks ago and obviously there were tears and anxiety (my DD has social anxiety) but she's doing amazingly well. Being happy in her own company has left her very resilient (she's an introvert) she's happy to walk into a big lecture hall alone & find a seat & she joined boardgame society and walked into the first session alone, sat with 9 boys she didn't know & played various games for 4 hours. She's definitely a nerd lol & is studying Chemistry. not interested in makeup or latest fashions or hair much. Is into politics & reading & feminism & sitcoms/stand up comedy. Joined Chem Soc & has discovered she likes vodka. She isn't a gossip at all or a drama queen & she never could bear girls who were bitchy like that. Being 15 is such a difficult age (& especially for girls I think). Starting a new college or 6th form maybe the answer OP but it is heart-breaking when we see our DC crying at home because they're lonely or sad & feel they don't have close friends. Really hope your DD finds her people very soon x

Hi, really feel for you, I also have a 15 year old girl and almost the exact same situation as you, at the end of year 10 I ended up changing school to give her a fresh start, the new school were really supportive and buddied her up with some really nice quiet girls and now apart from a few wobbles seems to be doing ok.
The school we came from had a terrible pack mentality and she was left on her own all the time despite starting year 7 with a group of friends from primary school. Wish you luck as some school don't have enough funding to provide support for children with anxiety ect. Luckily although I have to drive further every day we have found a school which has really good provisions for mental health
Good luck x

My 15yo daughter has struggled with school, with friendships and feeling she fits in, but just doesn’t enjoy going (it’s a selective grammar with rules about everything). I just remind her that in a few short months she can make choices, go to college, choose subjects she enjoys, dye her hair pink if she wants!

I’ve also reinforced that for lots of people, school isn’t ‘the time of your life’ - and finding ‘your people’, your tribe, often happens when you leave school, in the wider world.

Finding a hobby or a part time job to widen her circle, and focussing on the exit and positivity of that life beyond school feels like the way forward. I wouldn’t be rushing in with a label and therapy if it were me (I feel it implies there is something wrong with her) but respect others have different views. Good luck to your daughter OP, this too shall pass x

Can I second the suggestion of outside clubs?. With a few details changed this could have been me. Outside interests and friends saved my life.

A few hours out of revising/ seeing dad shouldn’t be impossible.

Just to reassure you that things improve- I went to a top university and have quite enough friends now!

So your doing everything you can to help her unfortunately people arw horrid, my 12yr old is not on the spectrum or anything but shes not like others, she lives anime... wearing goth type clothes into art and drama etc and she has the same problem with people im very lucky shes so headstrong (i was bullied at her age and made a point my kids would not be a bully but would also not be bullied) she will openly tell someone if they are in the wrong, keep strong mama sadly therws not much more you can do than you already are, may i suggest taking her to some anime conventions (they are dotted around the country we go to london ones twice a year) to meet likeminded people she may find some that may not go to school with her but are local enough to meet up with xx

Just posting to reassure. I quickly realised aged 15 that all my so called friends were not friends at all. I had a lot of time by myself the last year or two of secondary school and I didn't see anyone the summer before college and sat in my room playing guitar all the time. I started college and within about 2 weeks I'd found my people that are still my friends to this day. I'd definitely recommend a college rather than a 6th form. It helped me massively.

It probably depends on area. The sixth form my dc is at definitely has good range of teens, inc lots from the quirkier or geekier side (it’s the most academic option) the ‘cooler’ kids seem to have gone to college in next town.
I know it’s good to know own mind and interests but I would encourage a bit of fitting in. In the same way as if you work in an office having a bit of an idea of what people are chatting about means you aren’t always left out. Eg make up perhaps some crossover with theatrical makeup.