Private secondary for DC3 when it is too late for DC1 and DC2?

[dontknowwhatisbest]

DC are Y10, Y8 and Y6.

The eldest two are at the local comprehensive. It's fine. Leadership is good. Low staff turnover. Decent results. Behaviour OK. Walkable and in a nice area. DC3 due to start there next September. All the DC are reasonably academically able - definitely not prodigies but generally do well, although I don't think they are meeting their potential (which I don't blame the school for, but realistically I would like to see them being challenged just a bit harder).

We would have liked to be able to choose independent secondary for them all, but we ran the sums years ago when DC1 was in late primary, and with three children it was just not realistic. However, our circumstances have recently changed (due to bereavement, sadly), and we are now in a position where we could theoretically switch to the independent sector. There are a number of great local indies.

But. DC1 is in Y10 so a move is out of the question, really. DC2 could in theory move for Y9 but she is settled with a great group of friends (some from primary and some new additions) and I don't think would want to move. We certainly wouldn't make her, and I've not idea if we could have her ready for the common entrance exam anyway or if there would be places available.

Moving either or both of then for sixth form would probably not be worth the expense - there is an academically very strong sixth form college locally which I think will suit them - they are both interested in the 'core' subjects and wouldn't particularly be swayed by the broader options available at the independents.

So - DC3. He's a quirky little chap and of the three of them, I feel he is the one that would benefit the most from smaller class sizes and a calmer learning environment. But we feel very conflicted about the idea of choosing such a different path for him, and one that we couldn't offer the other two when it would have been an option.

We have thought about the option of giving DC1 and 2 extra help with house deposits etc in the future to 'even things out' but I'm not sure that really solves the problem. DC3 is clearly way too young to make a decision about what he would prefer, and who knows, perhaps he might end up feeling he would have valued help as a young adult over a private education.

I'd be really interested in hearing from anyone who has faced a similar situation. I've looked at other threads, but most either seem to be parents who have chosen different schools for different children for reasons other than cost, or who have a children in a mix of indie and grammar and are equally happy with both. For us, the reality is that DC3 would in all likelihood be getting a better education than his older siblings.

I would send him to the indie. I believe you do what's best for each kid and you do what you can at the time.
He will benefit so much from it. Don't overthink it. The other two are happy and doing well, that's great. Don't take that for granted!

I have friends with one kid in indie and one in comp. Both are v happy where they are and don't want to move. They're both very different and both doing well. It's fine!

My partner's parents did this and the wounds have never healed, in fact things seem to have got worse as time has gone on. He found it really hard not being the child chosen as did other siblings.

Eldest went to private school as our circumstances were very different then.
Youngest 3 are in primary and secondary and are doing fine , no jealousy apart from the youngest moans that the eldest could See horses at break time.
life Isn’t always fair but your kids shouldn’t grow up resenting you because one had something the other didn’t. I’m sure you’ve bought them up less spoilt than that xx

How about either start at comp and move later if he clearly isn't coping (would breed less resentment if he at least tried the same route), or send to comp, supplement with tutoring. Spending ~£100k? over 5 years on one child seems likely to be problematic.

If you have siblings, how would you have felt if they were privately educated and you weren't?

I wouldn’t have an issue with sending DC3 to an independent school, but I would ask DC2 if she would like to change for Year 9 and, even if she says no, still take her to look around the independents in case she changes her mind. I would also take DC1 to look at the private sixth forms, and not just assume they wouldn’t want to go.

Fwiw, my older sister went to private secondary and I went to a very rough comp for three years, then a better one for O and A Levels. I have never had any issues with that, or resented her in any way. I also did better academically.

How about either start at comp and move later if he clearly isn't coping (would breed less resentment if he at least tried the same route), or send to comp, supplement with tutoring

I think realistically this is the only way you could potentially do it without tearing your family apart. Especially if you offer the older two the option for 6th form.

You possibly don't resent your sister because you did better academically.

This might not be the case for the OPs family so sending one child privately comes with a risk of later resentment.

No way would I do this to mine.

I agree with starting DC3 at the same comp and seeing how it goes. I know people are saying their children are in indies and comps now and are fine, I wonder how it feels later on in life. Even my FIL is bitter that he didn't pass his 11+ and his brother did and he is in his 70s. Personally, I would much rather give them a house deposit than paying for their education. It doesn't always guarantee success and has been pointed out on here that if a child could potentially impact a school's results they enrol them as a private student in their GCSEs rather than through the school.

Re the older ones not meeting their potential, they can have tutors and push themselves at home. Resources are available online and for free.

My youngest is in independent school (year 3) my older three went through local state primary and secondary (one has left, and one doing a-level and other gcse and will both leave this September)

I 100% do not regret my decision regarding my youngest there was no way I wanted her going through state schools after experiencing it with my older 3, I just wish I was in the position where my older 3 could of had that opportunity but unfortunately it wasn't possible

I would talk to them about it individually. Give each child to option of going (ie both DC3 and DC3 and DC1 the option of private 6th form), but be open you are worried about it feeling unfair, and see how they all feel. I'd start by taking to the oldest first so that you don't bring it up with the youngest until you know if it's a complete no go.

DH was sent to private school after their closest state secondary proved to have lots of problems. His younger brother they gave the option of a different secondary (which primary friends were going on to) or the private school. He chose the state school and as far as I'm aware it's never caused any issues.

Why wouldn't you move them all at appropriate times?

DC3 clearly needs dealing with ASAP as deadlines are looming for registration.

DC2, you do some exploratory looking around. Many schools are not specifically common entrance anyway, and there are often 2-3 places available yearly in many independent schools. Existing friends can be retained, while taking advantage of the better facilities of a new school.

DC1 moves at 6th form - really being honest he may be better at an independent with the right ethos for a-levels.

I would tutor all 3. I wouldn't send only one to an indie

We had family with a similar dilemma. One child in a 3-18 not able to stay at an indie as they couldn’t keep up with the work. They moved both to state (youngest was in the nursery class at the indie school) to keep things fair. I think it’s wise not to create gaps and differences between siblings.

It's a recipe for resentment. I wouldn't risk it. Better a happy trio with lesser educational opportunities, than siblings forever split by the extra money that was spent on one of them and the opportunities that will probably afford them. I've seen it first hand. Even though the siblings are civilised about it ,it is often brought up in conversation. Hurt runs deep.

I would talk to the older two. Explain the situation and that you want the best for them but also respect their opinions. Private sixth form might be a good option for instance or say you can offer tutoring if they don't want to switch to a better school.

My younger child went to private 6th form and we talked to her sister

From the experience in my family, no way. If he tried the comp, and really isn't coping, that would be a bit different.

My brother went private and my sister and I went to the local comp. There is no way I would send one and not the others, our sibling relationship has been strained due to this. He had an opportunity not available to us and we resented it.

Talk to your older DC, surely this is obvious? Were I in your situation that is what I’d be doing.

Resentment breeds because of being a lack of part of the process. If they are involved in it and are asked for their opinions then the resentment will not occur.

I agree it’s a recipe for resentment in future. It sounds like you’ve already talked yourselves out of giving extra deposit help or similar to the older 2, which makes it even worse. Would you completely fund the other 2 through university so they could graduate with no debt, for example, but not the youngest? This and similar options seem like a potential disaster to me.

You’ve got no indication your youngest wouldn’t do well in a state school so it’s not even like your hand is being forced by a specific issue, which would make it more understandable.

Talk to them. You may find the older two wouldn’t want to go near the private school anyway. I know my younger two who were at a private primary had no wish to go near the private sector again after a few years in the state system at secondary.

So are the older ones going to get the same amount of money you will be spending on the youngest one's education?

Why would you disadvantage DC3 by sending him to a school where the teachers may not be qualified or trained?