Private secondary for DC3 when it is too late for DC1 and DC2?

[dontknowwhatisbest]

DC are Y10, Y8 and Y6.

The eldest two are at the local comprehensive. It's fine. Leadership is good. Low staff turnover. Decent results. Behaviour OK. Walkable and in a nice area. DC3 due to start there next September. All the DC are reasonably academically able - definitely not prodigies but generally do well, although I don't think they are meeting their potential (which I don't blame the school for, but realistically I would like to see them being challenged just a bit harder).

We would have liked to be able to choose independent secondary for them all, but we ran the sums years ago when DC1 was in late primary, and with three children it was just not realistic. However, our circumstances have recently changed (due to bereavement, sadly), and we are now in a position where we could theoretically switch to the independent sector. There are a number of great local indies.

But. DC1 is in Y10 so a move is out of the question, really. DC2 could in theory move for Y9 but she is settled with a great group of friends (some from primary and some new additions) and I don't think would want to move. We certainly wouldn't make her, and I've not idea if we could have her ready for the common entrance exam anyway or if there would be places available.

Moving either or both of then for sixth form would probably not be worth the expense - there is an academically very strong sixth form college locally which I think will suit them - they are both interested in the 'core' subjects and wouldn't particularly be swayed by the broader options available at the independents.

So - DC3. He's a quirky little chap and of the three of them, I feel he is the one that would benefit the most from smaller class sizes and a calmer learning environment. But we feel very conflicted about the idea of choosing such a different path for him, and one that we couldn't offer the other two when it would have been an option.

We have thought about the option of giving DC1 and 2 extra help with house deposits etc in the future to 'even things out' but I'm not sure that really solves the problem. DC3 is clearly way too young to make a decision about what he would prefer, and who knows, perhaps he might end up feeling he would have valued help as a young adult over a private education.

I'd be really interested in hearing from anyone who has faced a similar situation. I've looked at other threads, but most either seem to be parents who have chosen different schools for different children for reasons other than cost, or who have a children in a mix of indie and grammar and are equally happy with both. For us, the reality is that DC3 would in all likelihood be getting a better education than his older siblings.

Oh I agree. Perhaps I shouldn't have quoted you.

What I mean is that it's never ever just financial from children's POV. The kid that went to private school might prefer to have the house deposit. The kid who got sent to state might feel that they got a poorer chance at networking.

Honestly, the potential for it to be fraught with resentment is enormous.

Why can’t people disagree without being rude?

I know someone who has moved to independent in year 10.

The only way it could work, I think, is to offer it to all three. If there isn’t enough for that, then I wouldn’t do it.

You will have people say it's fine, my kids understand, and your kids would probably never tell you it was a problem. As a child who was treated differently, it did cause problems.

I think it can work if parents genuinely think that the state school is better for one of their children. There are some fabulous state schools around, not just grammars. If you'd been enthusing about your local state school, or the merits of state schooling in general, for years but were forced to consider alternatives because school had failed for DC3 then ok. But that's not the case here - you are clear that you prefer the private school. Therefore I think there's a good chance it could be a real punch in the gut for at least one of your older ones, whether they say so or not.

My reaction was emotional, not logical. I could accept, and even present, logical arguments about why there were different circumstances etc so it didn't mean they were favouring one child over the other. However, an older, emotional part of the brain may feel the hurt anyway.

A bit different here as all three were in an independent school but big gaps left the youngest with four years to go after the others finished. We moved her to a much more expensive private school for her last three years (a school which at the time only accepted girls in year 10 to do 10-12 so all new to the school). The extras available were amazing and DD took every opportunity given. The older two call her “lucky last” but genuinely without resentment. Everyone feels they got the education that suited them. In your situation I would talk to your older kids to see their views and if they were happy I would send your youngest private. If you thought there might be resentment though I would be less inclined to do it although I have always explained to mine that equal opportunities isn’t treating everyone exactly the same, it’s giving according to needs.

I absolutely wouldn't talk to the eldest 2.
They may feel obliged to say it's OK when it isn't.
Or change their minds later.
Plus no point paying for 6th form just to 'even things up' if you think the state offer is fine.

I also think it is 'unfair' to decide to spend money on DC3's education and then give DC1&2 big house deposits. Why should DC3 miss out on a step on the housing ladder because you decided to spend 100k or whatever on his education?

To my view it is so different if he starts at the comp and doesn't cope. Then everyone would see he needs to move rather than it being your choice

100% agree with @TeenDivided .

I’ve known a couple of families who did this - and it was a huge mistake.
fractured relationships, caused simmering anger.

I know a couple of families where this happened and this was the outcome.
Very different in the family I know where all 4 children went to different schools but all were given the same options in the first place.

Absolutely do not mix the question of school fees and house deposits.

If you decide you'd like to offer private school as an option I'd simply explain to your DC that you have received some money and now have the opportunity to send them private if they'd like to go but won't force them to go if they're settled where they are. Make clear to any who choose state that the money is there to provide private tutoring if they feel they'd benefit from further support at any point.

I wouldn't tie yourselves into knots over the question of fairness. Ultimately the money is yours, not your DC's, and you're more likely to create resentment if you make them feel they have a personal "claim" on the money itself, as opposed to just doing your best to offer them increased educational opportunities with the increased money you now have available. It's not your fault you didn't inherit a few years earlier, and you still have time to offer all of them a private school if they want it.

Surely whether it leads to resentment in future depends on a number of factors, not least the temperaments of the kids involved and how it is handled?

Conversely, what about the risk of dc3 feeling resentful for being denied an opportunity in the name of ‘fairness’?

you could always give the older children a choice, and/or fund extra tutoring/a private sixth form.

Why the resentment, is that the question?
Well, the one at the grammar feels that it was favouritism - whilst he was at a fairly good grammar academic wise, he didn't have anywhere near the same opportunities as his younger sibling who was at a private school. Things like extra curricular, for example, as well as support with uni applications etc - basically the things that you get as an extra when you pay for your child's education.
Also things like friendship groups and outlook on life. The grammar school one is very 'grounded' and down to earth - his friends are from very diverse backgrounds, from quite disadvantaged to quite well off. It's given him a very different world view to his sibling whose school friends are all very well off. Whilst he was working during the holidays, the private school kid was off skiing at her friend's swiss chalet, to give an example which sticks out in my mind as to the inequality and the divide it caused between them.
Having spoken to the parents once they'd both left school, they said it was a very poor decision which they'd based on financial reasons rather than looking at the bigger picture of being a family who was 'together'.

This exactly

How much money is there? Is it enough to cover university (if they choose to go) and enough for house deposits for all 3?

If it isn't then you need to consider whether paying for a private education over saving it for young adulthood and sending DC3 to the really pretty good state option is the best use of the money.

I really wouldn't spend money on DC3's education and "even it out" by giving the others' house deposits. DC3 is too young to decide which they prefer and that's likely to breed as much resentment down the line as any resentment over schooling.

I agree with others that you should let the youngest start comp and see how it goes (and give them a reasonably long time to settle down). Don’t bring housing deposits into it. I’d aim to give them all the option of private 6th form.