Private secondary for DC3 when it is too late for DC1 and DC2?

[dontknowwhatisbest]

DC are Y10, Y8 and Y6.

The eldest two are at the local comprehensive. It's fine. Leadership is good. Low staff turnover. Decent results. Behaviour OK. Walkable and in a nice area. DC3 due to start there next September. All the DC are reasonably academically able - definitely not prodigies but generally do well, although I don't think they are meeting their potential (which I don't blame the school for, but realistically I would like to see them being challenged just a bit harder).

We would have liked to be able to choose independent secondary for them all, but we ran the sums years ago when DC1 was in late primary, and with three children it was just not realistic. However, our circumstances have recently changed (due to bereavement, sadly), and we are now in a position where we could theoretically switch to the independent sector. There are a number of great local indies.

But. DC1 is in Y10 so a move is out of the question, really. DC2 could in theory move for Y9 but she is settled with a great group of friends (some from primary and some new additions) and I don't think would want to move. We certainly wouldn't make her, and I've not idea if we could have her ready for the common entrance exam anyway or if there would be places available.

Moving either or both of then for sixth form would probably not be worth the expense - there is an academically very strong sixth form college locally which I think will suit them - they are both interested in the 'core' subjects and wouldn't particularly be swayed by the broader options available at the independents.

So - DC3. He's a quirky little chap and of the three of them, I feel he is the one that would benefit the most from smaller class sizes and a calmer learning environment. But we feel very conflicted about the idea of choosing such a different path for him, and one that we couldn't offer the other two when it would have been an option.

We have thought about the option of giving DC1 and 2 extra help with house deposits etc in the future to 'even things out' but I'm not sure that really solves the problem. DC3 is clearly way too young to make a decision about what he would prefer, and who knows, perhaps he might end up feeling he would have valued help as a young adult over a private education.

I'd be really interested in hearing from anyone who has faced a similar situation. I've looked at other threads, but most either seem to be parents who have chosen different schools for different children for reasons other than cost, or who have a children in a mix of indie and grammar and are equally happy with both. For us, the reality is that DC3 would in all likelihood be getting a better education than his older siblings.

We have thought about the option of giving DC1 and 2 extra help with house deposits etc in the future to 'even things out' but I'm not sure that really solves the problem.

Are you thinking of matching what was spent on the youngests education, which could easily be upwards of 80k , or just giving them a few grand towards a house deposit?

I think you're making a lot of assumptions about what your older children would want, without really talking to them about it. I get that year 10 is not a great time to move, but it sounds like you wouldn't even offer the children a chance at independent for sixth form. A great state college is good- would you expect DS3 to go there too? What if it's not so great in 4 years, when your middle child would be going?

I think it's different if independent was always an option for the older children, but you/they chose state deliberately. To send one DC later on feels unfair. Or, obviously, if one has SEN or some specific reason that private would benefit them more.

And if you are offering the others financial help of £50k+ (which is what would make it fair, really) as adults, then your younger DC may well feel resentful too- If the housing market keeps going as it is, that's more likely to make a real, material difference to their lives.

I think this could be a breeding ground for real resentment later on.

Agree with pp who suggested talking to your older children about what they want for themselves, if your circumstances have changed enough that you could now afford private for all three. It could be a really interesting conversation with them both.

Somewhat different situation, but we recently relocated for DH's work, and had to take our 9yo out of a fantastic primary that she loved. Before moving we came to look at both the state primary most likely to have places, and the local prep. We gave her the choice, but made clear that her younger sister would be starting Reception at the state school for now. DD1 chose the state school with no hesitation, and although settling in hasn't been totally straightforward, I think it's really helped that we've been having such open conversations - and an element of choice for her where possible - since we started the moving process.

Ours did a mixture throughout. Dc 1 and 3 did indie, one from 11-16, one from 13-16, then state sixth form. Dc2 did indie all the way through, as that's what was needed.

Definitely whatever suits each child at the time. They completely understood, because they are all so different

I’d use the money for extra tutoring for all 3. Much fairer. And then save it to contribute to house deposits. I disagree with private schools anyway

There are lots of points in life that you can help your kids. You have already made the decision to send your kids to comp, so you should stick with that. However, you now have the luxury that you can send one of your dc to private/ pay for tutoring if there is a problem. Better to use the money to pay for them to go to uni or a deposit on their first home.

I think potentially it's very divisive and could cause resentment.
So either try DS at comp see how he goes if at end of year 7 he doesnt get on then reassess.
Or if you are set on private education you definitely need to give all your DCs the same opportunity, DD2 could move end of year 9 in time for GCSE study and DD1 for 6th form.
They may not want to move but I think it's important they are given the opportunity and feel they were treated equally once funds were available for private education

Your older two are old enough to understand that this isn't favouritism, you didn't have the means to consider private school when they were at the stage of choosing senior school. Find the right school for DC3 as an individual. Let DC1&2 know that the equivalent money is there to support their education in whatever way they need - be it moving schools, getting additional tuition, extra help throught their university undergrad or funding for a postgrad degree.

That is a terrible idea.

'Here's your 80k cash dc 1 and 2 and you don't get that dc 3 because we spent it on your education.

Anyone who says they don't regret an inability to give the same opportunity to all children is not thinking about their children, however much they kid themselves they are.

One of my parents died this week. There is already simmering friction for various reasons but our parents sinking more into the education of one and/or giving others a cash lump sum as compensation is like lighting a touch paper to those.

There is honestly way, way more to life than money.

This is unrecoverable from and igore the utter, utter idiots with no idea what they are talking about saying otherwise, these are the people you’d cringe to be seen talking to in Real life. It’s that bad,

This happened to me as a child. 2 of us went to state and one to private. It wasn't discussed with us and just happened and I think this was the problem. If you talk through your thinking with your kids, and let the older ones know they would be welcome to move to the private school if ever they choose, then fine. But it did cause rifts in our family at the time because it wasn't discussed. I'm also not sure that giving the older two more for a deposit really works, as this won't be for years

That is a terrible idea.

I didn't say it was a good idea. But if OP is paying upwards of 80k for a child to attend a private school that the other siblings don't even get a chance to attend. As their parent's decided that they were too old and too settled, then being given just a few grand to helps towards a house deposit as a way to make it fair is going to cause even further resentment.

Having had three in independent school absolutely do not send your third. It really isn't just about the education it's a social situation, your 3rd will have totally different friends from a totally different social situation.

It's something that could divide your family without you even realising until it's too late.

Can you afford to give your other children the 100k each you'll spend on their sibling? What if child 3 then devises he'd rather have had the cash?

This happened in my partners family. All private for a few years but the oldest (female) continued and then went to a v exclusive boarding school for sixth form whilst the boys ended up at the local (albeit good) comp age 11-18. They are equally intelligent and don’t obviously have any behaviour issues where one would benefit more. Don’t think there is resentment as such but it’s a v odd situation as their parents could have afforded all of them. No one is allowed to ask.

I think you just need to be prepared to answer any questions if/when it does arise.

Nope don't do it. We have family friends where one kid went to an (albeit good) grammar school and the other to an independent school. Huge falling out now they're older, and lots of resentment.

The flip side is that DC 3 doesn't do well and resents you not sending him when you could choose too!

But, he may go private, do as well as he can which actually may not be much in earning terms and then miss out on a house deposit?

I would see what the personality of the other two are like and probably send him private.

Or state and have tons of tutors if needs be..but if he would just be happier with smaller classes why not?if they enjoyed school and have friends why would they be jealous of no 3?

@FarmhouseLiving22

Why?

@Bigpaintinglittlepainting

If you have had 3 at one type how could you judge that?

And how on earth would dc3 friend's impact the others?

I have seen this cause a lot of resentment much later in life.

We had to take dc1 out, the thing is you build relationships at school. You have children who are taken on holiday skiing or to the villa in France and the other dc who's friends live in the village in a semi who have never been abroad.

It's not a judgment it just makes life very complicated

But you will get exactly the same at local comp!

The DC maybe friends with the private school child whose parents are in the semi scraping every penny but could be friends with comp person whose family have riches? It's impossible to judge

Give each the same, whether education or cash towards a home/travel.

If you can afford it, then
DC3 into private asap
DC2 gets offered private but will probably decline
DC1 gets given a chunk of money with conditions on how it is used eg gap year travel / university fees / property.

If you can’t afford to give equal amounts of money then I’d probably keep all 3 in State.

I wouldn't worry about it. You're not making different choices, you're operating in different circumstances.

Rubbish. Really quite pathetic rubbish.