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Original poster

Husband declared he doesn't want to try for a baby

54 replies

Cheesecake99 · 15/10/2022 19:18

I'm posting because have nobody else to tell this and also need some emotional support.

My husband is currently going through depression period. It's like constantly walking on eggshells. I understand it's tough on him but it's taking its toll on me as well. It feels like getting kind word or even a bit of affection from him is impossible. Today he shouted ate because instead of answering if I'm hungry I asked if he's hungry instead. Small thing but it really upset me. It so upset me because I was looking forward to spending a day with him but he was again just angry and irritated with everything that I say/do. It's unfair on me, I need to live and be, can't walk on eggshells at all times.

Fast forward, this evening started crying because of the way he was rude and irritated with me all day. He started screaming how selfish I am and everything is about me only. We are trying for a baby and I booked fertility MOT. He said he is not going to do it, and I can f** off and not come begging him for a baby. (I miscarried about 1.5yr who)

I understand he's depressed and he's not like this when he's feeling normal (this is the west in the last 3 yrs probably). But the comment about baby just killed me .

I'm seriously thinking to talk to some layers and start thinking about exit strategy. I love him, but I can't live like that and I want a baby. He's clearly not interested in having a baby.

I'm just sad. I need to live and be myself somehow as well. I know he's struggling but I need my life too..

OP posts:
Blue2021 · 15/10/2022 19:24

Honestly I think you need to leave him OP. He is taking all his depression out on you and you don’t deserve that. I would definitely be taking some advice. Also I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

Whiskeypowers · 15/10/2022 19:27

he needs to access proper help and support to deal with this not keep making you his whipping boy
I am sorry for your miscarriage, but I honestly think trying for a baby with this man is a recipe for disaster.

being depressed does NOT give you the right to be unkind or abusive.

Twokidsanddone · 15/10/2022 19:31

Depression is not an excuse to treat someone horribly. And you can only help those who are willing to try and help themselves. If something doesn't change you'll end up looking for help for depression yourself. Not everyone with depression deserves to be left, obviously. But it's how you deal with it and try to get out of it that matters. Taking it out on you is beyond wrong.

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Relationship problems
silverbirches · 15/10/2022 19:38

Some people like to blame other people for their own misery. You see, if he can take it out on you, and tell you that it is your fault that he feels the way he does, then he can abdicate all responsibility for his behaviour and his so-called depression. Has he seen his GP or sought professional help or counselling for his depression?

Original poster
Cheesecake99 · 15/10/2022 19:39

Whenever he's not going through depressive episodes he's very caring and loving, affectionate. All these things that I love about him. He used to drink heavily during his depressive episodes before. I said I cannot do this. But now he's just making walk on eggshells instead.

The help is easily available. Just a matter of making few calls, there's even no need to go though NHS.

I've never been seriously depressed as such and I don't know how it works. I know he needs help and support but I can't force feed it to him

It's just such a painful situation to go through. Need to calm down and see where I stand legally. I better have a baby on my own than in this situation.

OP posts:
Frazzledmummy123 · 15/10/2022 19:40

You definitely do need your life too. Depression is not a free card to treat your partner like crap, and if anyone is making things all about themselves, it certainly isn't you.

I say this kindly, I don't think you should bring a baby into this marriage, nit while he is like this anyway He doesn't sound like someone anyone would want a baby with. I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage 💐

For you to move forward in any way with him, he needs to make some move to try to get better by speaking to his gp about treatment. Do you think the risk of losing you might give him a wake up call to try to get better? I am assuming he won't accept he needs more help because he thinks you'll just plod on and tolerate his crap. Maybe seeing you are serious about leaving might be the jolt he needs to address it.

Original poster
Cheesecake99 · 15/10/2022 19:43

@silverbirches yes, he did counseling and started taking depressants again (after quitting them by his own choice for probably two years). I told him I'm happy to arrange appointments. But he's not willing to. I think he's very much aware what's going on with him. But somehow taking it on me is just easy and readily available.. he constantly calls me selfish. I don't think I am.

OP posts:
Badger1970 · 15/10/2022 19:50

Women are not rehab centres for men.

He's treating you like shit, and you should walk away until he's taken steps to deal with his depression.

Original poster
Cheesecake99 · 15/10/2022 19:51

@Frazzledmummy123 I did leave him maybe 3.5 yrs ago now. His strategy dealing with depression was drinking at the time. I couldn't cope anymore. He said he'll change, we can have a baby and he did all these things, I got pregnant. We were so happy. But half way through this year it's started getting worse again. And pretty much since September it's just getting really hard again.

I appreciate this is no environment for a baby. But where's the guarantee he will get back to normal and the same won't happen again.

I know I'm upset tonight but I'm out of options what to do and what my action plan supposed to be.

Well, I know for sure I'm not cancelling fertility MOT for myself. I'm 36 an did want to know where I stand and if anything is wrong.

OP posts:
2twotired · 15/10/2022 20:05

You need to leave, you deserve so much more than verbal abuse, tip toeing around and worrying about what's around the corner. Time to concentrate on you, as you said don't cancel the mot and look at how to seperate.

Herejustforthisone · 15/10/2022 20:10

Don’t waste your fertility on this spiteful cunt. Please.

He’s not bothering to help himself and is in fact making himself feel better by taking it all out on you and ruining your life.

EricNorthmanYesPlease · 15/10/2022 20:13

If I was you I'd pack a bag and go and stay with a friend or family member for a couple of nights.
When he messages asking where you are, you reply along the lines of:
Im taking time out for a couple.of days to review my options. I am not nor will be your emotional punching bag. You are depressed, but are choosing not to fix it. Counselling and medication work. We both know this.

I do not want to be around someone who is emotionally abusive and says such hurtful comments.
I absolutely love how you are when you're on an even keel after seeking help, but right now, this is not the man I married.
Get yourself some help and we'll talk, but this is your last chance.

TurquoiseDragon · 15/10/2022 20:14

It's worth getting your fertility check-up for yourself, at least you'll know where you stand health wise.

And I also think it's worth leaving this bloke. I left someone after 30 years. He was abusive and would blame his depression all the time. I, too, was fed up of walking on eggshells. Best thing I ever did.

EricNorthmanYesPlease · 15/10/2022 20:15

BTW having a baby can break up even a relatively strong relationship (I know) as it brings out different sides in people. Please do not bring a baby into the mix u less he is 100% committed.

BadNomad · 15/10/2022 20:21

Depression is an illness, and it is awful, but you don't have children yet, so they don't ever have to grow up with this. You owe it to your future baby to give him or her a good father. That is not this man.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 15/10/2022 20:55

i suffer depression and I have never shouted, screamed or insulted my partner.

He just sounds plain, old abusive.

You know what you need to do. Don’t waste another day on this dickhead.

depression my arse.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2022 20:58

It's not depression, it's abuse, and you should be running for the fucking hills. I would leave that arsehole immediately.

billy1966 · 15/10/2022 21:12

He's just another abusive asshole who is depressed.

Who cares.

Having a child with such a nasty man would be a disaster.

You made a big mistake taking him back 3.5 years ago.

Pack your bags.
Get your MOT.
Move on.

Kappi · 15/10/2022 21:24

My husband hurt me with similar remarks today too. I can understand the hurt you feel.

He had been having a tough time and says he feels like shit for thinking it but to me, it doesn't change the hurt.

Is it worth clearly and calmly explaining the impact of his statement? It's so hard being hurt by those you are close to, the sting is so much more painful.

Xx

Rainbowqueeen · 15/10/2022 21:27

Leave him OP. You deserve better.

Shittytittybangbang · 15/10/2022 21:34

Why would you choose to have a child with someone who treats you like this?

Original poster
Cheesecake99 · 15/10/2022 21:35

@EricNorthmanYesPlease I don't really have anyone I can go to (family abroad). Of course, can always try finding a hotel that doesn't charge too much. Until he gets out of his depressive overload he won't listen anyway.

I think I need to look into my options quietly first and see where I actually stand.

I agree on your comment regarding a baby. It does need to be 100% commitment. And there's none from his end.

OP posts:
IntentionalError · 15/10/2022 21:36

Firstly, you absolutely should not even be thinking about bringing a baby into this mess. If he is that angry and abusive with you, an adult, how is he going to treat a defenceless newborn?

As for your relationship, he absolutely has to understand that you will not tolerate this situation any longer and that he has two options : Sort himself out now, or divorce.

Goos luck.

Original poster
Cheesecake99 · 15/10/2022 21:37

@Shittytittybangbang - because when he's not depressed he's actually a lovely and kind man..

But depression or even stressful life situations or general troubles (nothing life ending but annoying enough to affect everyday life) just throws him out of sync..

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheesecake99 · 15/10/2022 21:43

@Kappi I'm sorry you are having a tough time. It sounds like your partner is not dealing with stress very well either.

He knows how much the miscarriage affected me and how important having a baby is to me. He was screaming into my face, pointing finger. I think it was the worst tonight it has ever been in nearly 8 years together. Don't think explaining anything to him until he calms down would work. It would be just more screaming and continuous nonsense.

OP posts: