Husband declared he doesn't want to try for a baby

[Cheesecake99]

I'm posting because have nobody else to tell this and also need some emotional support.

My husband is currently going through depression period. It's like constantly walking on eggshells. I understand it's tough on him but it's taking its toll on me as well. It feels like getting kind word or even a bit of affection from him is impossible. Today he shouted ate because instead of answering if I'm hungry I asked if he's hungry instead. Small thing but it really upset me. It so upset me because I was looking forward to spending a day with him but he was again just angry and irritated with everything that I say/do. It's unfair on me, I need to live and be, can't walk on eggshells at all times.

Fast forward, this evening started crying because of the way he was rude and irritated with me all day. He started screaming how selfish I am and everything is about me only. We are trying for a baby and I booked fertility MOT. He said he is not going to do it, and I can f** off and not come begging him for a baby. (I miscarried about 1.5yr who)

I understand he's depressed and he's not like this when he's feeling normal (this is the west in the last 3 yrs probably). But the comment about baby just killed me .

I'm seriously thinking to talk to some layers and start thinking about exit strategy. I love him, but I can't live like that and I want a baby. He's clearly not interested in having a baby.

I'm just sad. I need to live and be myself somehow as well. I know he's struggling but I need my life too..

@IntentionalError and other posters - I agree that this environment is not right for a baby. Nor adult.

@Cheesecake99 completely understand - I think you're right the time to calm down is needed.

I feel your pain and I hope that you can both find your peace again - however that looks.

I’m sorry to hear your story OP, you sound lovely and I hope you get yourself sorted and leave to live a life for you and not for him. He is not your problem to fix.

another voice for not having a baby with him - turning it on it’s head, you absolutely cannot take a risk for your child that they are exposed to any of this atmosphere/shouting/blame. It’s insidious and horrible for them. He might be ok for a while but he has already relapsed when stopping medication/treatment. You can’t risk a pattern like that with a baby/child.

I lived with depression in my house as a child. It was horrible.

@Kappi thank you. I hope everything works out well for you too 💐

What a lucky escape you've had. Having a baby with this man would have condemned you to a life of misery. Even if you later left him, you'd be tied to him for your whole life.

Whatever explains this man's behaviour, it is not depression. More likely, he is just not a very nice man who knows that saying "depression" is a means to get his own way.

I guarantee you that if you left this poor depressed man..... he would rally and find another woman within the year.

You sound really strong and I think you'd find someone much better, quite quickly. You can have the family you want, but not with this guy.

@Passanotherjaffacake - sorry you had to go through this when growing up. My own upbringing wasn't the most straight forward one. I wouldn't wish anyone to go through this. Especially a child.

@Goawayangryman (great username 😂) tbh, from what I understand there's always been a woman in his life. Usually someone smart too. He's never told me everything about his relationship nor have I asked but that's the impression I have from the little bits of information he's shared.

The thing that I don't understand is that he has been nice and caring, and willing to have a family. But as soon as depression kicks on all that just goes out of the window

Please don’t bring a baby into this. Raising a child is hard enough, and will be even harder when you have a partner who checks in and out, which is what will be happening here.

Yep this ^ depression is not an excuse to be abusive

Even properly abusive men are nice some of the time. No-one is mean 24/7. It doesn't mean you should stay with them. There are loads of really nice normal blokes out there.

I have a strong feeling you've been raised to expect very little from a partner or husband, OP. It's much better to be single than with someone who devalues you. I know. I was raised similarly, and the later got divorced....

@Goawayangryman - I suppose I was brought up to expect very little from anyone, just keep my head down, don't make fuss and get on with things. Which is pretty much what I'm doing now..

I'm sorry you had to go through a divorce. But agree it's better to be on your own..

The worst thing is I'm at the point of doubting myself now. To the point where I ask myself if I even could be a good mother at all. Maybe he's right not wanting a baby etc.

He sounds abusive. Get out and start over. You don't want a baby with him. So sorry you're going through this all alone.

You can’t have a baby with this man, OP. It actually doesn’t matter if he’s angry and abusive because of depression, or because of drink, or because of some other reason. It only matters that it is happening. He is not mentally stable enough to be a father, and he knows that. It doesn’t sound like a baby would be safe with him.

You however are able to be a mother.

Please leave him. You deserve so much more and you don’t have time to sit around hoping he’ll become the man you used to know. That never happens.

A quick bit of adding up and it seems to me your 'DH' has been depressed and abusive for most of your 8 years together. That is no way to live.

I think it's for the best if you start to make plans to move on

OP, the drive to have a baby is overwhelming for many women and that drive can be intensified if you have had a miscarriage and it's difficult to make any discussion, however sensible, that takes you further away from being able to have a baby.
Lots of women have babies with unsuitable men, it's not because they are stupid or because they don't know the guy is unsuitable it's because they've got baby blinkers on.

The problem with having a baby with someone unsuitable isn't so much the baby years it's the all the rest of it. You can't chose someone who can't control their anger to be the father of your child.

From what youve described it sounds like you have to cut your loses and leave. It's not going to be easy but it doesn't seem like you have a choice.

I

Depression doesn’t make someone nasty and abusive. Cruel actually. It might lower the inhibitions of someone who already has those tendencies. But to be honest it doesn’t matter why he is the way he is. He’s not going to just come round, and he certainly doesn’t sound like he could deal with the life changing pressures of parenthood.
Please get away from this man OP. You can have a different and better life.

Make a fuss! Fight for yourself now and insist on more. You want to have a child and you deserve to be able to try. Don’t let that be taken away from you. Because it could be if you don’t fight for yourself now. Aside from that anyway you should not tolerate being treated that way,
No more! Say to yourself from today, ‘I used to be someone who didn’t make a fuss. I used to be someone who didn’t expect the good things I really deserve. But no longer.’
He is spinning a web of misery here, don’t get caught in it.
I know it’s so hard on a practical level. But I am sure you can do it. Once you have a made up mind the rest will follow.

My husband has depression. He's never ever spoken to me in the way you're describing your partner as doing, trying to hurt you.

Of course sometimes it's hard, but it's hard because I hate watching him struggle, or because when things are bad I have to do his share of housework and so on as he's just got no energy. That's what I mean, and I think what most people mean when they say it's hard living with someone with depression. It shouldn't mean being a verbal punchball.

My feeling is that this man is just an abusive individual. I feel he could be using depression as an excuse to use you as a verbal punch bag.
I know you been with him or possibly married to him for 8 years. Your now 36 and you already had a miscarriage. I can understand why you want a fertility mot at your age. I have this done and not mention it to him.
The one thing I would say to you is that I would not have a baby with him. Even the strongest couples can find having a baby and dealing with a new born hard going.
If you have a baby with the wrong man your stuck with this man in your and your child's life long term.

It's good that he's said he doesn't want a baby, as it sounds like he wouldn't always be a nice Dad. You need to live your best life, and that won't be with your husband. I hope you can move on with ease, because staying with him will not bring you joy.

Has he ever been investigated for bipolar? It might explain the 2 completely different characteristics.

Saying that - it doesn’t mean you have to put up with it. He has stopped medication (with proper advise or just on his own?) knows he is in a depressive state and isn’t doing anything about it, except be abusive and blame you.

Which do you want more? A baby or being with him? Because both together isn’t a good idea, he won’t suddenly change and you would need long term evidence of medication compliance which is making it late to start trying for a baby.

Tough choice and I really feel for you. Hope the MOT goes well.

@UserLoserInTheBoozer - I am desperate for a baby. And he's very much aware of that. I don't think he ever wanted a baby himself. He just sort of went along with it because he knows how I feel about it... I think I always knew it. But just didn't want to accept it. Wanted to pretend we can be a family, remembering times when I was pregnant.

I'm just staying in spare bedroom today, feeling upset, watching movies. He came over in the morning to try apologizing me. I just told him how I felt and he ended up storming off and shouting again. Saying how selfish I am behaving this way, knowing that he has depression. I know depression is not something he has chosen himself, but at the same time it's not an excuse to treat me this way. He's in our bedroom, with shutters down, probably sleeping, might have taken some antidepressants to help himself sleep. Not sure. I just see no point him coming over if all he's doing is ending up shouting at me.

I'm just sad. My marriage, my dreams of having a baby, a family... All of this seems to be gone.

@Cheesecake99 you know you can’t live like this. Leaving will be very hard but the sooner you start the sooner you will be free and can start getting on with your life.

Leaving doesn’t mean not having children, you could go it alone, or you might meet someone new. Staying is what will crush your dreams.

@OhBeAFineGuyKissMe thanks for your kind message. Yes, I could go and have a baby on my own. Might meet someone as well. Will be interesting to see what results fertility MOT will show.

I just don't want to leave with nothing. I invested into our house quite a bit of money (it's under his name). Wouldn't want to loose it. Of course, I love him dearly. But this is no life.

I just don't want to leave with nothing. I invested into our house quite a bit of money (it's under his name).

You're married for what, 8 years, so the house will be considered marital property and you can also claim part of his pension too on divorce (providing his is the larger pension pot. he can claim on yours if that's the other way around).

So don't let the financials drive your decision.