Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Should you invite children you don’t really know to wedding?

77 replies

Hippopotomum · 13/10/2022 21:13

I need opinions. Weddings are always hard, and I’m a push over so I need to be told what to do by outsiders 😂

We’re getting married next year.
DP’s got a family member who has a partner and a toddler together - she also has an older child (near teen) from another man. We’ve met her once briefly.. and the time that we did meet her, her mum was quite rude to our friends.

But they’re together and they have a child so we’ve invited them and their child.. but not the older child? We’re really tight on numbers and both me and DP have had to cut out some family and friends that we would like to have been there to fit in more ‘necessary’ family.

They sent us a message to say they (including older child) will be attending the wedding. I’m not sure if they just haven’t read the invite.. or whether they’re making a point that they want her to be invited.. but we can’t really afford or justify inviting the child we don’t know and have met once. Is that wrong? Should we just invite her, if we invite her then I feel like we also have to invite DP’s brother’s step-children and it’s having a domino effect and we’re going to be over on numbers and struggling to afford to feed them.

We obviously don’t want to be rude, and we don’t want to cause any drama - So should we just invite them and deal with the stress? Or if not, how on earth do we politely say shes not invited?!

OP posts:
Greenight · 13/10/2022 21:59

You can’t break up family units. People who don’t have children often don’t get that. You especially can’t invite one child and not another, even in this situation. Not politely, anyway.

Your current options are
(1) say she isn’t invited and have a drama, or
(2) pretend she’s always been invited.

UniversalTruth · 13/10/2022 22:03

Agree with @Greenight

Also, how small is the wedding that you're inviting some children but not your step-niece/nephews?

Can you rethink the food plan and hand a cheaper option? Less wine maybe?

CornishTiger · 13/10/2022 22:04

You invite all children of the family or no children of the family.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Weddings
Benjaminsniddlegrass · 13/10/2022 22:05

Yup need to invite all kids or no kids, not fair to split if that child wants to come too.

lunar1 · 13/10/2022 22:06

They probably didn't realise you were only planning to invite one child of the family. It is a bit odd!

MaChienEstUnDick · 13/10/2022 22:07

I'm all for a child-free wedding, but you can't pick and choose which children to invite out of a family unit, that's bonkers. The only exception is inviting babes in arms to a completely child free wedding.

She's assumed you're inviting her older child because it would be absolutely crazy of you not to - I mean, the only reason I can see that you haven't is because child A has a different father than child B, and that just can't be right?

aSofaNearYou · 13/10/2022 22:28

I don't think it's unreasonable to not want to invite a child you barely know who is just the child of someone that is themselves essentially a plus one, but in your position I would probably say neither child is invited to avoid drama.

milkysmum · 13/10/2022 22:36

Sorry can I just clarify- is older child DPs family members child, or family members partners child? Does older child live with them? I do think it's odd to only invite one child, and I would decline the invite if you invited me and younger child, and excluded my older child.

user568720164728553401928574738 · 13/10/2022 22:39

I was on the receiving end of an invite like this. Ds wasn't invited but other children in the family were.

We didn't go and they fell out with us. Her mum (fil sister) phoned my in laws to say we had ruined her daughters wedding, we're selfish to expect a kid to attend and they know so many more who deserve a place at their wedding so why should our son deserve a place. All we said was "hi bride, unfortunately we will not be able to attend the wedding as we have no childcare for ds" the abuse we took from her and her family was awful.

Kite22 · 13/10/2022 22:43

Of course there is no "should" about it.

I wouldn't be inviting the older child - they aren't known to either of you and aren't related to you.

I think there is a big difference between this situation and if your dh's relative had brought up his partner's child from a baby, or even if his partner's child were 3 or 4, but that isn't the case here.

FirstFallopians · 13/10/2022 22:49

Just say no children for everyone?

You can’t reasonably split up the family unit. I’m sure the older kid isn’t that arsed about going, but you’d be sending a very clear message about who you see as “real” family if you excluded them.

mindutopia · 13/10/2022 22:49

I think if you want their parents to come, you invite the kids. Not everyone has childcare on tap for evenings and weekends. If our dc aren’t invited to things, only one of us can reasonably attend (and sometimes we can’t be asked to spend loads of money for a weekend away alone).

That said, in this situation, I would take it as a horrible offense that one of my dc was deemed worthy of an invite and the other wasn’t. If you value their parents being there, you extend the invite to them as a family unit, or second best as a couple only. Honestly, I would probably decline on principle if I got that invite.

Original poster
Hippopotomum · 13/10/2022 22:59

Fair enough points made here.

but for context, we have two children.
it’s not a small wedding, it’s huge. We both have massive families hence why we’re so tight on maxing out the venues limit of guests, and this child who we don’t know means we’re paying £67 to feed her, but we’ve met her once.. while not inviting some friends we wanted to be there because we’re trying to keep numbers down 🙈

but yeah I we can see it from the point of view that essentially it’s her children despite not being in the family very long. I’m sure we can work it out. This is why I asked here 🤭 thanks all!

OP posts:
weekendninja · 13/10/2022 23:01

This seems a really odd way of going about things OP. You can't split the DC in the family...particularly your DPs step nieces and nephews.

Either no kids or all kids in my opinion.

Original poster
Hippopotomum · 13/10/2022 23:07

I suppose, we just needed to be super strict on numbers and the best way to do that was to keep it strictly close friends and family; we don’t really really consider them.

DP has never met his brothers partners children, and we’ve only met the other family members step-child once years ago. So it feels like we’re just inviting random children to us, but of course to them it’s not random children. - I think that’s why I was unsure.

OP posts:
Baubletree · 13/10/2022 23:20

If your dp's brothers step children don't mainly live with them and you've never met, it wouldn't be so unusual to not invite.

The other family, if they all live together (mostly) that would be weird and mean to not invite one. If it's a step child mainly residing elsewhere, well the parents being cheeky assuming.

Doggydarling · 13/10/2022 23:30

Sounds like you should have considered a child free wedding, sometimes it's the best option. Children of bride and groom if there is any but no more.

Original poster
Hippopotomum · 13/10/2022 23:36

@Doggydarling I don’t think a child free wedding was for us, we have lots of children in our immediate family that we’re very close with so it wouldn’t have been my wish not to have them there.

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 13/10/2022 23:46

Yeah it's very odd not to invite all kids in the same family unit.

I get you've only met them once, and weddings are expensive, but you really can't invite one child and not their sibling. Both or neither.

SunshineAndFizz · 13/10/2022 23:49

PS for our wedding we needed to keep numbers down too so we only invited kids of our immediate family (i.e. just nieces and nephews), no other kids.

BananaCocktails · 13/10/2022 23:54

Hippopotomum · 13/10/2022 22:59

Fair enough points made here.

but for context, we have two children.
it’s not a small wedding, it’s huge. We both have massive families hence why we’re so tight on maxing out the venues limit of guests, and this child who we don’t know means we’re paying £67 to feed her, but we’ve met her once.. while not inviting some friends we wanted to be there because we’re trying to keep numbers down 🙈

but yeah I we can see it from the point of view that essentially it’s her children despite not being in the family very long. I’m sure we can work it out. This is why I asked here 🤭 thanks all!

@Hippopotomum Jesus Christ it’s one child you’ve just said you’re having a huge wedding which must’ve cost thousands and you’re worried about an extra £67? Some people really do have too much time on their hands

Dollydea · 14/10/2022 00:00

I would've understood it more had you said the wedding was small and intimate but if you're having a huge wedding then surely there's other children there who you hardly know?

What about work colleagues children and such like? We had about 15 kids at ours who we'd never met, but it was a child friendly wedding & I couldn't invite any parent without their child.

Maslinka · 14/10/2022 00:29

"then I feel like we also have to invite DP’s brother’s step-children..."

Hang on, you're not inviting the groom's brother's stepchildren? That could also go badly. I do get where you're coming from but at a big family wedding it sends an awfully standoffish message to exclude stepchildren.

HairyMcLarie · 14/10/2022 00:36

I don't think children other than your own or immediate family belong at a wedding anyway so I'm the wrong person to ask but when you have limited numbers, a surly teenager you have met once would be first on the list of people to cull.
In fact when you have limited numbers the best approach is no kids at all or you end up with huge % of the invitees being preschoolers you barely know who don't want to be there and taking up space a good friend could have instead.
Just be clear and say the other kid isn't invited we don't have space.

WildImaginings · 14/10/2022 06:23

Maslinka · 14/10/2022 00:29

"then I feel like we also have to invite DP’s brother’s step-children..."

Hang on, you're not inviting the groom's brother's stepchildren? That could also go badly. I do get where you're coming from but at a big family wedding it sends an awfully standoffish message to exclude stepchildren.

This. Your posts have brought back a lot of memories of being excluded from things as not 'blood'.

Swipe left for the next trending thread