Should you invite children you don’t really know to wedding?

[Hippopotomum]

I need opinions. Weddings are always hard, and I’m a push over so I need to be told what to do by outsiders 😂

We’re getting married next year.
DP’s got a family member who has a partner and a toddler together - she also has an older child (near teen) from another man. We’ve met her once briefly.. and the time that we did meet her, her mum was quite rude to our friends.

But they’re together and they have a child so we’ve invited them and their child.. but not the older child? We’re really tight on numbers and both me and DP have had to cut out some family and friends that we would like to have been there to fit in more ‘necessary’ family.

They sent us a message to say they (including older child) will be attending the wedding. I’m not sure if they just haven’t read the invite.. or whether they’re making a point that they want her to be invited.. but we can’t really afford or justify inviting the child we don’t know and have met once. Is that wrong? Should we just invite her, if we invite her then I feel like we also have to invite DP’s brother’s step-children and it’s having a domino effect and we’re going to be over on numbers and struggling to afford to feed them.

We obviously don’t want to be rude, and we don’t want to cause any drama - So should we just invite them and deal with the stress? Or if not, how on earth do we politely say shes not invited?!

I agree that you need to invite all members of your relative's family household or none at all. What she is costing you is irrelevant, as that was your choice of menu and venue, not theirs. The quickest way to please or offend people is to organise a wedding, and you need to have blanket rules. You could say neices and nephews only, to skim down child numbers, and you could say no under 10s or no preschoolers, but you can't say neices and nephews by blood only. Are your friends allowed to bring children?

Have a  @CatsandFish

If you can afford £67 per person why are you nit picking over a few extras ... wedding are ridiculously expensive but you could have hired a church hall and had a very nice catered buffet and saved yourself thousands ... you made the choice to have a big showy wedding .

You sent an invite that didn't include a 12 year old but included her younger sibling?

Fucking hell.

"then I feel like we also have to invite DP’s brother’s step-children"

You do need to invite them.

You definitely need to invite your BILs stepchildren. What is wrong with you?! 🙈

@CatsandFish you have assumed everyone feels like you. I know my preteen DS would rather be at a wedding and if you invite the whole family then the parents can decide to send DC to sleepover if they prefer.

Would you like to be excluded from an event because someone else thought you wouldn't have the best time? I would prefer to be invited and feel included, key alone step-children.

*let alone step-children

£67 is not a lot compared to how much these poor parents are going to need to spend on therapy. Even if this kid doesn't want to come they are probably feeling awful at not being invited.

did you ask your caterer if there is a child price - some might offer cheaper meals for kids since they eat less in general.

It depends on the circumstances, but I invited kids/teens to my wedding, even those ones who I don't know very well, but they are family. My wedding wasn't big though, less than 50 people. We were always invited as children, and it felt natural to me.

they find weddings boring as fuck, and it's selfish to drag them there.

Some children find weddings boring.
Some children don't know how to behave in more formal settings.
Some parents don't know how to keep their child quietly calm and entertained in settings.
Some families enjoy spending family events together.

Not all!

Coming from a big family I've been going to weddings since I was very small often as a bridesmaid and often as a guest. I didn't find them boring and I knew how to behave accordingly. I loved seeing my family all together.

That hasn't changed as an adult, and although we don't go to as many these days Dd went to plenty growing up and again, enjoyed herself plenty with family and friends at them. She knew how to behave and we knew how to parent her accordingly. She wasn't bored either.

Each to their own. You don't want to take your children to a wedding - fine, leave them at home.

Don't assume all families treat weddings as adult only affairs though. They never have been amongst my family and friends. Been to dozens of weddings over the years and only one was adults only 🤷🏻‍♀️

In all honesty you need to rework the day to ensure you can afford everyone, you can't invite one child and not the other. £67 is a lot, why not just have a deluxe hot buffet or bbq, half that

@CatsandFish

My kids loved weddings, especially the dancing. They have been to a lot because they sing (choristers) and family capitalised on that

I can see I’ve made a mistake 😂
a little embarrassed to say the least.. well invite all the kids.

the price wasn’t our choice.. that’s the cheapest package for food they do and you have to use their in house caterers.

there is a child’s menu, but it’s for under 8’s so she’s classed as an adult.

I personally just didn’t see the point in inviting people we’ve literally never met and have nothing to do with, regardless of age. - and as I mentioned I needed outsider opinions was because I asked people I know and they agreed that we don’t need to invite children who are recent to the family that we’ve never met.

But obviously after reading this it’s very clear that’s not a fair view to have, we’ll invite all the kids (and hope to god some people drop out because that means we are well over the venues maximum numbers 🙈)

for the ‘adults only’ argument - we’re having a wedding party, not a swinging one 🥲 it’s a very much child friendly wedding.

@Hippopotomum I like your attitude and I wish you a lovely wedding day

I’ve been on the receiving end of a similar invite and I found it cruel.

I was sympathetic when I read the title. When we got married my MIL wanted to invite a load of her friends - and their children. We compromised on inviting a couple of the friends that at least DH knew, but there was no way I was turning away people we actually care about to accomodate children who we'd never met before and would almost certainly never meet again. So I can see where you are coming from to a degree.
But I agree with those who say that you can't split families up in that way. You could invite the parents but neither child I suppose, but not one child and not the other.

At our wedding we had about 30 kids. Several of them cried at the end because they didn't want to leave and had had such a great day.

I personally just didn’t see the point in inviting people we’ve literally never met and have nothing to do with, regardless of age. - and as I mentioned I needed outsider opinions was because I asked people I know and they agreed that we don’t need to invite children who are recent to the family that we’ve never met.

I think you've missed the point.

It's not that you have to invite people you've never met and have nothing to do with, or that you have to invite children.

It's that you can't invite someone's toddler and not their 12 year old, and you can't decide based on whether people are genetically related or not.

If you don't want to invite kids, don't invite kids.

But don't invite one kid and not their sibling! How do you think that sibling is going to feel about that? (particularly if they are a half sibling) - They will question whether they are even part of the family.

You can't pick and choose between siblings in a family unit and getting worked up over one child at a huge wedding seems like you are actually trying to make some kind of different point entirely.

Perfectly fine not to invite children (as long as you understand this prevents some people from attending)z

not ok to invite some children in a family unit and not others. I’m torn on if it is equally bad as inviting someone without their spouse or worse.

This is terrible imo. You might have only met her once but she's a child and part of the family. She's not just some random partner you've met once.

We are having a child free wedding so there's no argument and we are having a large wedding. You should have done that but you can't leave a child out if they are part of that family unit.

Having a big wedding makes it even worse ini.

How well do you know the other child? Personally I think it's fine to only invite children you actually know, even at a child friendly wedding. So if I didn't really know the toddler, I'd just invite the adults.

They always have been included, traditionally, because they are family events. It's only recently I've come across this "child free" notion.