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Original poster

Should you invite children you don’t really know to wedding?

77 replies

Hippopotomum · 13/10/2022 21:13

I need opinions. Weddings are always hard, and I’m a push over so I need to be told what to do by outsiders 😂

We’re getting married next year.
DP’s got a family member who has a partner and a toddler together - she also has an older child (near teen) from another man. We’ve met her once briefly.. and the time that we did meet her, her mum was quite rude to our friends.

But they’re together and they have a child so we’ve invited them and their child.. but not the older child? We’re really tight on numbers and both me and DP have had to cut out some family and friends that we would like to have been there to fit in more ‘necessary’ family.

They sent us a message to say they (including older child) will be attending the wedding. I’m not sure if they just haven’t read the invite.. or whether they’re making a point that they want her to be invited.. but we can’t really afford or justify inviting the child we don’t know and have met once. Is that wrong? Should we just invite her, if we invite her then I feel like we also have to invite DP’s brother’s step-children and it’s having a domino effect and we’re going to be over on numbers and struggling to afford to feed them.

We obviously don’t want to be rude, and we don’t want to cause any drama - So should we just invite them and deal with the stress? Or if not, how on earth do we politely say shes not invited?!

OP posts:
WeAreTheHeroes · 14/10/2022 06:47

While I see where you're coming from in terms of trying to control the costs, I find the talk about not inviting someone who is essentially a family member because you've only met them once, etc a bit odd. Family get togethers are an opportunity to get to know people better and they're the things that people remember, that are a shared experience and become reference points.

We were invited to a family wedding earlier this year and it was a great occasion as we got to spend time face to face with people we either rarely see or, in my case as I'm the partner of a family member, had never met but only heard about. It was lovely.

mauveskies · 14/10/2022 06:52

Hell, no! I would tell them to get a babysitter, and uninvite the toddler who is hardly going to appreciate a wedding or an expensive meal, also.

Paq · 14/10/2022 06:55

£67 for a plate??? That's insane!

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redskyhaze · 14/10/2022 06:59

Sorry but that is actually horrendous that you invited the younger child who is genetically both of theirs, but didn't invite the older child... presumably because he isn't her genetic father so not a 'proper' part of the family?

As someone with a stepdad and half siblings, this would have crushed me as a kid. It's horrible. How do you think that kid will feel when all their family go to a wedding and they're not invited?

redskyhaze · 14/10/2022 07:04

Paq · 14/10/2022 06:55

£67 for a plate??? That's insane!

It is, but that was OP's choice I assume. And she said the wedding is huge as it is. Another £67 added onto whatever they are already spending is going to be a drop in the ocean.

OP you have no idea the damage you could do to that kid by inviting all of the genetically linked family members and excluding her. Please either invite her or don't invite any of the kids.

HappyHappyHermit · 14/10/2022 07:05

Don't look at it as paying £67 to feed them, you are paying that to have the style of wedding you want, which is absolutely fine but is a choice you've made. Clearly leaving one family member out is unkind.

Clymene · 14/10/2022 07:09

Yoi can't pick and choose children to keep the costs down.

PorridgewithQuark · 14/10/2022 07:19

I think you need to look again at who you've invited if it's a huge wedding with lots of children but you've explicitly not invited the groom's brother's (dependent age) step children, and invited a toddler and the toddler's parents but explicitly not the 11 or 12 year old child who is the other member of that family and lives with them. Tbh that's really very messed up!

You'd have been better off just not inviting any children - you can't tell a 12 year old that their toddler sibling is going to the wedding but 12 year old isn't invited because he or she has a different dad!

CatsandFish · 14/10/2022 07:32

Children don't belong at weddings. You simply send a note back and say it's adults only. I am very wary of people who cannot do anything or go anywhere without dragging their children along. It's like they have no concept of adult vs non-adult.

CatsandFish · 14/10/2022 07:35

Hippopotomum · 13/10/2022 23:36

@Doggydarling I don’t think a child free wedding was for us, we have lots of children in our immediate family that we’re very close with so it wouldn’t have been my wish not to have them there.

It doesn't matter if you're close to them or not. I'm close to my own children but I don't drag them to adults only functions. Have it adults only.

Abraxan · 14/10/2022 07:44

CatsandFish · 14/10/2022 07:32

Children don't belong at weddings. You simply send a note back and say it's adults only. I am very wary of people who cannot do anything or go anywhere without dragging their children along. It's like they have no concept of adult vs non-adult.

What?!?

What kind of weddings do you go to that aren't suitable or appropriate for children??

I understand people choosing child free for financial reasons but to say that an event - where the joining of two families is a key aspect - is very much a family friendly, including children, event!

Maslinka · 14/10/2022 07:45

CatsandFish · 14/10/2022 07:32

Children don't belong at weddings. You simply send a note back and say it's adults only. I am very wary of people who cannot do anything or go anywhere without dragging their children along. It's like they have no concept of adult vs non-adult.

You might as well assert that the world is flat. Some people might hold that opinion but it is only an opinion. For me, wedding is

Maslinka · 14/10/2022 07:46

*weddings are at their heart about family, so children are very much part of them.

Heatherjayne1972 · 14/10/2022 07:57

I’d pretend she was always invited

does she actually want to come ? Weddings are deathly boring for older kids/ teenagers
and besides there’s normally people who drop out nearer the time.

PorridgewithQuark · 14/10/2022 08:17

CatsandFish · 14/10/2022 07:32

Children don't belong at weddings. You simply send a note back and say it's adults only. I am very wary of people who cannot do anything or go anywhere without dragging their children along. It's like they have no concept of adult vs non-adult.

It's not adults only though - the op has invited the toddler explicitly and lots of other children. The guests won't be attending with blinkers on and earplugs in, so they'll notice a whopping outright lie "there are no children here, nope, that's definitely not a child, neither is he, neither is she, nope nothing to see here..." 🤔

Clymene · 14/10/2022 08:24

CatsandFish · 14/10/2022 07:32

Children don't belong at weddings. You simply send a note back and say it's adults only. I am very wary of people who cannot do anything or go anywhere without dragging their children along. It's like they have no concept of adult vs non-adult.

It's not adults only.

Children absolutely do belong at weddings. Adult only weddings are boring as fuck

CatsandFish · 14/10/2022 08:45

Abraxan · 14/10/2022 07:44

What?!?

What kind of weddings do you go to that aren't suitable or appropriate for children??

I understand people choosing child free for financial reasons but to say that an event - where the joining of two families is a key aspect - is very much a family friendly, including children, event!

Show quote history

It's a formal occasion, waiters carrying trays, alcohol, risque speeches....

Enough threads on here about weddings being ruined by kids shrieking during the vows, tripping up waiters etc to know it's a formal event, not for kids. It's also hard on the kids and they find weddings long and boring.

CatsandFish · 14/10/2022 08:46

Clymene · 14/10/2022 08:24

It's not adults only.

Children absolutely do belong at weddings. Adult only weddings are boring as fuck

Show quote history

No, children absolutely do not belong at weddings, they find weddings boring as fuck, and it's selfish to drag them there.

CatsandFish · 14/10/2022 08:47

PorridgewithQuark · 14/10/2022 08:17

It's not adults only though - the op has invited the toddler explicitly and lots of other children. The guests won't be attending with blinkers on and earplugs in, so they'll notice a whopping outright lie "there are no children here, nope, that's definitely not a child, neither is he, neither is she, nope nothing to see here..." 🤔

Show quote history

Which is exactly why OP shouldn't have any children there are all. Also easier for the children, I'm sure they'd rather be anywhere else than a wedding. Any child would.

UniversalTruth · 14/10/2022 08:52

Sorry OP but I think I might fundamentally disagree on what a wedding is for.

The wedding is for your family, the marriage is for you.

You surely want everyone at the wedding to have a lovely time, and families won't be able to do that without all the children being invited, even the ones you have not met. When would you meet them except at family events like weddings!

PorridgewithQuark · 14/10/2022 08:58

CatsandFish · 14/10/2022 08:47

Which is exactly why OP shouldn't have any children there are all. Also easier for the children, I'm sure they'd rather be anywhere else than a wedding. Any child would.

Show quote history

She can't reply to the parents of this preteen that her wedding is adults only (regardless of your preference) because she's already invited various selected children from this and other families.

Weddings are boring for most adults if the other guests aren't people they enjoy socialising with. That's true for children (they have fun if there are lots of children their age and whom they can play with, not if there aren't). It's true for adults too - I'd much rather go to work than attend a relative's formal wedding with mostly people I don't know and lots of speeches, but with the right guests an informal wedding (especially an outdoor summer one) can be fun.

CatsandFish · 14/10/2022 08:59

UniversalTruth · 14/10/2022 08:52

Sorry OP but I think I might fundamentally disagree on what a wedding is for.

The wedding is for your family, the marriage is for you.

You surely want everyone at the wedding to have a lovely time, and families won't be able to do that without all the children being invited, even the ones you have not met. When would you meet them except at family events like weddings!

You surely want everyone at the wedding to have a lovely time, and families won't be able to do that without all the children being invited

That is absolute rubbish. Children shouldn't be invited, and adults would prefer an adults only event, the parents would have a better time without them there. And anyone who understands children, understands that they'd rather be anywhere than at a wedding standing around/sitting at a table for hours. They'd prefer to have a sleepover with their best friend. I really think some on this thread don't understand children.

PorridgewithQuark · 14/10/2022 09:03

CatsandFish · 14/10/2022 08:59

You surely want everyone at the wedding to have a lovely time, and families won't be able to do that without all the children being invited

That is absolute rubbish. Children shouldn't be invited, and adults would prefer an adults only event, the parents would have a better time without them there. And anyone who understands children, understands that they'd rather be anywhere than at a wedding standing around/sitting at a table for hours. They'd prefer to have a sleepover with their best friend. I really think some on this thread don't understand children.

Show quote history

"Adults would have a better time without them" is bollocks if you're claiming to speak for all adults. I've been to weddings where I was grateful to be able to escape being stuck in a a stuffy "banquet hall" for yours of speeches and"polite conversation" with great uncles and cousin's husband's work colleague and other randoms because I could volunteer to take a gaggle of kids outside to run around together.

PorridgewithQuark · 14/10/2022 09:04
  • hours not yours
howshouldibehave · 14/10/2022 09:05

DP’s got a family member who has a partner and a toddler together - she also has an older child (near teen) from another man

So, you’re talking about a child of twelve? Maybe younger? And you want to invite everybody else she lives with, but not her. Reminds me somewhat of a very well known fairy story!

YABVU.