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Original poster

Do your kids have a 4 year age gap?

70 replies

salemsongbird · 12/10/2022 19:41

Struggling to conceive a second - multiple miscarriages before our first DC and have just lost another recently.
I always wanted 3 years or less between kids because that's what everyone seems to have and I so want them to get on.
If we even manage to have another, the age gap will be in the ballpark of 4 years.

I don't have any friends with this age gap - all are either much smaller or way way bigger with second marriage kids.

Can anyone share their experience of a 4-ish year age gap? Do they get along?

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 12/10/2022 19:46

Mine will have 3y8m all being well, so following xx hope you get your BFP soon xx

weegiemum · 12/10/2022 19:46

There's just about 4 years between my dd1 and dd2, now 18 and 22. There is ds in the middle though. They all get on well but there's an special bond between the 2 girls. I think it's less to do with the gap and more to do with the people involved!

Anotherunimaginativeusername · 12/10/2022 19:46

Sorry for your losses.
4.5 year age gap here. Partly through choice (I had PND with no 1 and I wasn't ready to try again fir ages, then it took longer to conceive than I'd imagined). Lots of good things - I was on maternity during the oldests reception year which was great! They love each other to bits and not too much squabbling over toys (yet, youngest isn't yet 3). Older one was quite independent when youngest was born which made life easier. But they are at quite different stages which makes things tricky at times e.g. days out. But you can have children close in age with totally separate interests or who don't get on at all, so nothing is ever guaranteed.

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CJones11 · 12/10/2022 19:50

Sorry to hear you're struggling this time around. Sending you all the luck!

My son is 4 and I'm due in January. I honestly couldn't imagine it any other way. He's in full time school, very independent and capable. Yet he's still seems so young in the most innocent way! He's very excited about being a big brother and shows so much care towards me and the bump right now.

There's 2 years between my nephews and there was always a huge battle for attention as they grew up. Even now actually...

I think a larger age gap gives your eldest the mental understanding of the changes that are coming!

Good luck x

resipsa · 12/10/2022 19:50

4.5 here. It was great at first. Oldest started school just after youngest born and happy to help me in the afternoons when she got home. Could easily take youngest to the oldest's parties etc as a young baby. They played together nicely before and during the pandemic. It only now the oldest has gone to high school that it's tricky to do things they both enjoy but we still go to the park, swim, watch TV together. I'd recommend it!

TheGriffle · 12/10/2022 19:51

So sorry for your losses @salemsongbird.

my dd2 was born 5 days before dd1’s 4th birthday. During the early stages it was good as dd1 could help, understood if I was feeding the baby etc and she was at nursery then school so I got time alone with the baby.

They are 5 and 9 now and fight like cat and dog! Half the time they are best friends the other half they hate each other. Our age gap was on purpose as we couldn’t afford 2 in nursery at once.

Its a fine age gap, the only problem I can see looming now is dd2 is still young enough to enjoy softplay whereas dd1 is a bit old for it now.

museumum · 12/10/2022 19:53

When ds started primary school there were many mums with small babies and pregnant mums so 4yrs seems quite a common gap here.

resipsa · 12/10/2022 19:54

PS It won't mean much to you at the moment but I think it's great that the youngest has hit juniors at school when she's there 'alone' for the first time. Good for independence. Equally when she starts high school, oldest will be in Yr 11 which will help the youngest to settle.

HoHoHowMuch · 12/10/2022 19:54

Not 4 years, but not far off. I preferred that 1 was old enough to not just run off in a car park while buckling in the baby, no need for double buggy, less time needing to pay for 2 nursery fees etc. 2 in 2 years seems like much harder work to me! They are primary age now and get on well most of the time. The older one definitely loves having a big enough age gap to boss the younger one with authority and gets to do some things independent.

Squeezedsquash · 12/10/2022 19:56

4 years here and my 10 and 6 year old regard each other as best friends. I keep expecting this to end quite dramatically (and maybe high school will force this) but so far, so much better than I expected.

CoodleMoodle · 12/10/2022 19:58

4y4m gap here. DS was born when DD was still at preschool, and DH's paternity leave ended the day she finished for the summer holidays. So weeks 3 to 8 were tough! Then DD started school and it got easier, plus I got to spend some time with just DS. I had bad Mum Guilt about DD being at school, but luckily she enjoyed it and it was a bit of a break from her brother! When she was at home she was very helpful and loving, and his face always lit up when he saw her, more than anybody else.

Now DC are 8 and 4, and they have a very sweet relationship. DS adores DD and wants to copy everything she does (which can be frustrating!), and DD adores DS just as much and wants to look after him all the time. That's when it's lovely. When it's not so lovely they fight A LOT, but part of that is down to DD being very highly strung and DS being a menace. (Lockdown was rough because DS was 18mo and his main aim in life was touching DD's precious Lego...)

It is, for the most part, a really nice gap. It can be really hard when they both want me at the same time and I feel I'm being pulled in two directions, but then I hear them giggling together and all is forgotten!

AuraBora · 12/10/2022 20:00

Similar story to @Anotherunimaginativeusername
I have a 4.5 year age gap between my DD (5) and my 6 month old DS (no particular reason for the gap other than we were not sure about a second for some time and then eventually made up our minds!)
They are so lovely together. DD is very sweet and nurturing. She loves her little brother so much and helping with him, and has adjusted so well. She's old enough to understand things and doesn't get jealous..of course some of this is character but also you can explain things and they understand.

She has just started school and I'm lucky to have lots nice maternity leave time with DS. Financially it works well in a way too ( as in, not 2 sets of nursery fees).

I often wonder how those with babies and toddlers cope in the early days.. dc2 has been quite a demanding baby/bad sleeper compared to dc1 and if I'd had a toddler in the mix it would have been much harder!

That said I fully realise the advantages may be less when they are older. They are not likely to be wanting to do any, or at least, many, of the same things..logistically it will be harder than two close in age.

AuraBora · 12/10/2022 20:03

Sorry,meant to say I wish you all the best and hope you are able to have another,and sorry for your losses, that must be very hard.

AuraBora · 12/10/2022 20:06

Just read @CoodleMoodle post and also meant to say- DS absolutely adores his big sis and the smiles and giggles from him when he sees her are just lovely. She can do no wrong!

Alsonification · 12/10/2022 20:07

My older brother is 4 years older than me & my next youngest brother is almost 4 years younger & we get along so well that I purposely wanted a 4 year age gap between my kids. I also didn't want to have too small a gap as I wanted to give my first child my full attention while they were still a small baby/toddler & then be able to give a subsequent child attention while eldest at school.
As it turns out there is 4.5 years between my kids. Dd started school 2 weeks after ds was born which was perfect.
They are the best of friends. Don't get me wrong, they've had their moments but have always got on so well & are now 20 & 24 and still do.
I wouldn't change a thing.

Newuser82 · 12/10/2022 20:07

We have an almost six year age gap. Don't get me wrong they do argue but they get on great and are very close and play together all the time.

newtolineofduty · 12/10/2022 20:09

Sorry to hear about your losses. So many people seem to feel a pressure to have a small age gap. I can understand the benefits of a small gap but for us the larger age gaps are fab! We have two four year age gaps. The 8 and almost 4 year old play together beautifully and because my 4 year old is so fab and self sufficient it means I can still enjoy my newborn! She understands when he needs me and then when he doesn't need me I can play with her. The 10 year old tends to oversee everything! Good luck OP xxx

helpmum2003 · 12/10/2022 20:10

I'm sorry for your losses. Our gap is just under 4y due to similar reasons. I agree with lots of the positive remarks. I think they (generally) get on well because the age gap means they're not competing for the same things. My younger did get dragged around to siblings clubs etc but has the advantage of no competition for lifts, parental time now the older has left home. Good luck.

TheSausageKingofChicago · 12/10/2022 20:10

Mine are almost four years apart. They got in brilliantly when they were little. Not so much now they are older teens because they are very different characters, but I’m hoping they will find their way back together when they have a bit more space from each other. I think that would be the case if they were two years apart. It’s not the age gap that’s the tricky issue with them and their childhood was lovely 😊

BadgerLovesMash · 12/10/2022 20:12

I have 3yrs 7months between mine, its a lovely age gap. When dd2 was born dd1 was in nursery for her funded 15hrs so I could do the baby groups with dd2. Dd1 was old enough to entertain herself while I needed to feed dd2. Or we would snuggle up and watch a film together while I was feeding. It was always just the 3 of us as DH worked alot of hours mostly weekends and evenings.

They are now 14 and 10, they have a lovely relationship. They take care of each other and have always been happy to play together as long as dd1 gets her own space too.

Sometimes it has been tricky finding things they both like, but dd1 is old enough that I can go to the park with dd2 for a few hrs and she can stay at home or she will come and chat to me. Or if we are far enough from home dd1 will go into kid mode and play in the park too. Places like national trust, gardens, big parks, zoos are fun at all ages. The hardest thing was swimming, I couldn't take both on my own until dd1 could swim independently.

mistermagpie · 12/10/2022 20:12

There are 20 months between my first two and then about 2.5 ish years between my second and third.

So although I do have one in the middle, my eldest was 4 when my youngest was born.

They absolutely play together, she's two now and he's seven but they are the best of friends. My middle child is closer in age to the youngest but he's not remotely interested in playing with her. I think my eldest always liked that he could 'look after' her (not literally obviously, but get her toys and show her how to do stuff) and I was surprised how close they are.

It's a nice gap actually, my oldest two are very close but sometimes it's hard to do things with them independently of each other and they are quite involved with each others friends etc. A bigger gap means they get a bit more space and can help them both develop.

Dinneronmybfpillow · 12/10/2022 20:13

I'm the youngest of four with gaps of 18 months, then four years, then four years. Fought like cats and dogs (mostly with the solo boy) as kids but as adults we all get on really well and the relationship I have with the eldest sibling is probably the closest of them all. Even if it looks like it won't work to start, it evens out as they get older.

Original poster
salemsongbird · 12/10/2022 20:15

I'm having a little relieved cry reading these replies so far thank you. It sounds like there are still lots of advantages.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/10/2022 20:15

Mine are in their 20’s now with a 4.5 year age gap

The first started school just as the 2nd was born so it meant we got nice baby time together during the fay

They weren’t particularly close in the middle years but they are now. They visit each other and have nights out together etc

AnyFucker · 12/10/2022 20:15

*day