Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Do your kids have a 4 year age gap?

70 replies

salemsongbird · 12/10/2022 19:41

Struggling to conceive a second - multiple miscarriages before our first DC and have just lost another recently.
I always wanted 3 years or less between kids because that's what everyone seems to have and I so want them to get on.
If we even manage to have another, the age gap will be in the ballpark of 4 years.

I don't have any friends with this age gap - all are either much smaller or way way bigger with second marriage kids.

Can anyone share their experience of a 4-ish year age gap? Do they get along?

OP posts:

thejadefish · 12/10/2022 20:51

My DC have a 5 year age gap (not by choice). DC2 is still a baby so can't comment from a parental point of view however my brother is 5 years older than me and we get along really well. As kids we didn't play much together, certainly not after I was about 5 or 6 but whether that's because of the age gap, because we're different genders or because we spent 2 years apart (dad was in the armed forces- got stationed in Europe. There wasn't an english speaking secondary school there, just a primary one so I stayed with my parents in europe & my brother stayed behind in the UK). As adults we get on really well, I suspect that it's more to do with personalties than age gap. Some siblings are close, some are mortal enemies regardless of age gap. Try not to let it worry you.

Namechanger965 · 12/10/2022 20:55

I have 4years (and 2 months) between DD1 and DS. I also have a DD in the middle (2y8m between DD1 and DD2 and 18 months between DD2 and DS). And the 4 year age gap is by far the easiest. When he was born she was at an age where I could trust her to play with him without suddenly launching herself at him like she did with DD2 (or DD2 did with DS). He’s 1 now and she plays with him, sings to him and reads to him. It’s a nice age gap.

There are pros and cons to all age gaps. A big pro between 4years plus is that the older one is in school in the day so you can actually try to sleep/rest when the baby is a newborn.

AdelaideRo · 12/10/2022 20:58

My siblings and I - 4yrs 2 months between siblings. We are all adults now. I'm the eldest. So am 8 yrs 4 months older than my sister.

As kids it was a bit tricky sometimes as we were all into different things. And the allegiances between us have waxed and waned e.g when I was at university and my siblings were still at home they were a double act and I was the outsider.

Then my brother and I became closer when he went to University and my sister was stuck at home being the school child.

Now we are probably the closest set of siblings out of my friendship circle. My sister is part of my wider friendship group and despite the age gap does things with my friends independently of me and I see some of her friends independently too. My brother lives elsewhere but we speak regularly. Only area of conflict is holidays - brother refuses to travel with my sister and I as we travel by spreadsheet (ie. we have a list of activities we want to and a rough plan for each day) which he hates.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

SleepingStandingUp · 12/10/2022 21:00

4.5 years. Singleton then twins. All boys. I worried they wouldn't but the toddlers adore him but also gang up and wrestle him 😂😂 and he loves them too when they're nice 😂 but honestly it's just a normal sibling bond. Yes doing stuff as a family is tricky atm - a 7 yo then 2.5 yo twins but that's life.

Hoppinggreen · 12/10/2022 21:04

Mine have a 4 year - 1 week gap.
It worked very well for us. DD could be left alone with DS while I briefly left the room for example and she was great at fetching me things etc.
He worshipped her and she was very good with him, although once he discovered he didn’t have to do everything she said there were some fallouts. They don’t really argue and now they are 17 and 13 they only really have 1 thing in common (type of TV shows) but they just rub along and don’t fallout. He is twice her size and quite protective now too - he’s very unhappy about her BF sleeping in her room and while he claims he’s happy she’s going off to Uni next year because he wants her room I think he will really miss her.
I think they might be closer if they were the same sex - but at leat they don’t pinch each others stuff!!

TeddyBeans · 12/10/2022 21:05

This is a nice thread to read ❤️ DS will be 2 months off being 5 when DD is born. All I can vouch for right now is that he's really excited to be a big brother and can't wait for her to come out so he can give her cuddles and play with her 🥰

WimbyAce · 12/10/2022 21:20

We have a 5 year age gap. Was never intentional but due to struggling to conceive but actually so far so good. I found it quite nice with the oldest already being in school as had that routine in place (even though a lot of early days was homeschool due to covid). They absolutely worship each other. The eldest looks out for the little one and the little one looks up to eldest for everything. Also with the eldest being fairly self sufficient when baby came it meant she was able to help me.

WahWahWahs · 12/10/2022 21:32

I had a non-planned 4 year gap between mine and it’s worked out brilliantly so far (8 and 4). Old enough to have no jealousy of the baby, old enough to understand that toddlers need different rules (some of our friends with closer age gaps had trouble explaining why the toddler got away with things the slightly older one didn’t, etc), close enough to still play together now.

I assume there will be some stages when it seems a larger age gap than at others (thinking 12 and 8, for example), but there is a 4 year age gap between each of us in my family and we are best friends as adults.

Swings and roundabouts, I reckon 🤷🏼‍♀️

ouch321 · 12/10/2022 21:37

I find the obsession on here with having children 2 years apart weird, and in fact bordering on creepy.

The average age gap here in the UK is 3 years 8 months.

Further, having siblings close together is no guarantee of them getting on.

sourcreampringle · 12/10/2022 22:25

I find the 4 year gap very common here- lots of other sibling sets in the same two year groups as my DCs. I think 3 or 4 years is the most ‘usual’ gap amongst people I know, 2 or less years is a lot more unusual.

ConsuelaHammock · 12/10/2022 22:29

There is almost 4 years between my two. Not out of choice ( secondary infertility) They get on amazingly well.
Best of luck on your journey.

Hoolihan · 12/10/2022 22:31

4y3m here - absolutely great when no2 was born as eldest had started preschool so none of that being torn in two feeling I've heard about with closer ages.

It's a bit more tricky now they are 10 & 14 as at different schools and life stages. But hoping they'll grow closer again when youngest joins secondary. She WORSHIPS him.

NoFitStateMum · 12/10/2022 22:34

Almost 4 years between mine due to losses in between (and primary infertility before that). It's absolutely fine. They're great buddies. A 2 year gap would have had pros practically but more so now they're older (same age group for activities e.g.) but it's genuinely fine. Good luck OP. x

NameChange30 · 12/10/2022 22:38

ouch321 · 12/10/2022 21:37

I find the obsession on here with having children 2 years apart weird, and in fact bordering on creepy.

The average age gap here in the UK is 3 years 8 months.

Further, having siblings close together is no guarantee of them getting on.

That's interesting. The age gap between my two is 3y6m which seems to work quite well so far. Before having DC1, I thought I wanted a 2 year age gap, but there was no way DH and I were ready to start trying for another when DC1 was 14 months old!

OP, sorry for your losses FWIW even if you have a bigger age gap than 4 years I think it will still be fine. I have a sibling with a 8 year age gap between us and we are very close as adults.

Gronkle · 12/10/2022 22:39

4 years, 1 month and 1 week gap, no middle child between. Boy then girl, it has its downsides but all in all it has been great, mine are 21 and 16 (currently in the gap between birthdays, lol) and although not close, they're friendly and love each other. It's probably been harder as they are different sexes as well as the age gap.

There's 5 years between me and my older sister, I literally worship her, we live a long way apart and we don't talk much but we get along fantastically when we see each other, 3 or 4 times a year. Our childhood was great, not as much interaction as some friends had with their siblings but I know no different, so it was fine for me. I did miss her terribly when she went to uni, I was only 13.

BeeandG · 12/10/2022 22:40

4yrs minus 6 week gap here. Now 5 and imminently 9. Both girls. It's been great really they get on and dd1 is very patient with dd2. Now they are at the same school its nice they have each other but with dd1 a yr4 and dd2 in reception they don't see much of each other which works. I can see common activities getting less but we'll find a way. I wouldn't have coped with them closer together and am glad it worked out this way. Good luck with your journey.

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/10/2022 22:41

Ours is nearly 9. Caused big resentment problems at the time, first was used to being an only.

as adults now, they have the most beautiful relationship. Eldest so protective of and loving towards youngest. Youngest looks up to eldest and always asks their opinion first, even before ours.

Leakingroofagain · 12/10/2022 22:41

We had dd and then lots of losses and an mmc in between..had DS and they have a four year gap. It is perfect. Dd was off to school when he was born so she had her own time/news to share and I got time with DS. They play together a lot and generally get on very well. I think in hindsight we wouldn't have coped well with a smaller gap.

MajorCarolDanvers · 12/10/2022 22:47

Mine have a 4 year gap and they get in brilliantly. Aged 10 and 14 now.

The age gap means they've never been in competition so it's been pretty harmonious.

I have nieces with the same 4 year gap and they get on great too.

oobedobe · 12/10/2022 22:57

mine have 3yrs 9m between them, they have always got on well. The eldest is 14 and has her grumpy teenage moments, but things are mostly harmonious. This past summer it was harder to find things we all liked to do. I always thought the hardest part for this age gap would be the next few years, as one is a child still and one a teen so the gap seems wider, but I am sure in another few years they will have more in common again.

Flip

1 2 3