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Original poster

Should we offer petrol money for daily school run?

78 replies

lechatnoir · 12/10/2022 14:35

I'm in a dilemma about what, if anything, I should offer a friend towards petrol for taking my daughter to and from school every day. On the face of it of course we should contribute, but, we didn't ask and actively not get bus passes due to ridiculous costs (£500 per child) and living what we consider acceptable walking/cycling distance*. DC were expecting to walk or cycle with us doing the odd lift /paying bus fare in bad weather - none particularly wild about the idea but understood & accepted it.

In the first week of term DD's best friend offered the lift & as you can imagine she was delighted - I saw no reason to say no but now feel obliged to contribute. I'm loathe to ask in case she says 'oh great £25 a week should cover it?" but likewise don't want to appear ungrateful as it is much easier for DD.

Should I pay something or just buy a nice thank you gift at Christmas?

*DD goes to furthest away school at 2.3 miles (others 1.4miles) We are roughly en-route to her school but it does require a diversion through a housing estate rather than main road so there is some disruption to their journey.

OP posts:
Expatting · 12/10/2022 14:39

Yeah I think you should definitely be contributing. Especially as the DD made the offer not the mum. If you don't want to contribute then you need to tell your DD she cannot take a lift and should walk/cycle to school as per the original plan.

Mrsjayy · 12/10/2022 14:39

You can say no its fine today, but its now set so you can either say to the parent they don't have to feel obligated then offer some money.

WeepingSomnambulist · 12/10/2022 14:39

Why doesn't your daughter meet them on the main road and get dropped off on the main road then? That's what we did when we were in high school and someone's parent offered us a lift.

We all met up at "the corner" where our paths joined to walk to school together, so if someone was getting or giving a lift, it was from "the corner."

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Squirrelonwheels · 12/10/2022 14:40

Ah tricky one. I think I’d probably try and brave the conversation along the lines of “I’m afraid we’re not in a position to share the petrol costs because we had assumed DC would be cycling so we understand if that means you can’t offer lifts, but either way we’re really grateful”? Then if they still do the lifts then yes to a nice Christmas/end of term present!

MarmiteCoriander · 12/10/2022 14:41

Do you take it in turns, or they only take your DD to and from school EVERY SINGLE DAY and you don't reciprocate???

Yes, of course you should contribute! They are saving you £500 on bus fares! I'd also be checking the arrangement still works for them. Are you planning to continue this free ride till she leaves school???

You always see posts on here from the other side saying how its such a pain to have to leave their house earlier, to collect someone else due to the diversion- even if small, that is a diversion for them 10x a week!!!

gamerchick · 12/10/2022 14:41

I'd be speaking to the driver of the car and ask if this is ok and a contribution offering would be nice yes.

AdInfinitum12 · 12/10/2022 14:43

MarmiteCoriander · 12/10/2022 14:41

Do you take it in turns, or they only take your DD to and from school EVERY SINGLE DAY and you don't reciprocate???

Yes, of course you should contribute! They are saving you £500 on bus fares! I'd also be checking the arrangement still works for them. Are you planning to continue this free ride till she leaves school???

You always see posts on here from the other side saying how its such a pain to have to leave their house earlier, to collect someone else due to the diversion- even if small, that is a diversion for them 10x a week!!!

Devils advocate here but no they aren't saving £500 on bus fare. The OP said her daughter was going to walk or cycle. So this arrangement is costing her more than the previous option.

sheepdogdelight · 12/10/2022 14:44

I'd agree to meeting them en-route so they have no detour . And of course your child should always be at the assigned meeting spot on time.

Basically, eliminate anything that makes this become a PITA arrangement or makes the other family do anything they weren't otherwise doing.
And definitely nice presents every term :)

smileandsing · 12/10/2022 14:45

'We didn't ask for their help' is not an excuse not to pay your way. You(r daughter) accepted the offer of lifts therefore you should offer to contribute to the shared cost of the journeys. Or if it's not affordable, tell her to decline lifts from now on for this reason

Mrsjayy · 12/10/2022 14:46

AdInfinitum12 · 12/10/2022 14:43

Devils advocate here but no they aren't saving £500 on bus fare. The OP said her daughter was going to walk or cycle. So this arrangement is costing her more than the previous option.

Show quote history

But the op hasn't really made the effort to make her child walk or cycle to school and seems fine with the lifts to school.

NoSquirrels · 12/10/2022 14:46

What would have been an acceptable value-for-money bus pass to you? Tenner a week? If so, offer that if you can afford it or 50% of it if you really can’t. £25-30 a month I’m sure would be gratefully received.

Original poster
lechatnoir · 12/10/2022 14:48

When mum first offered, I told DD to walk to the main road but she was insistent she'd come to the end of our road- DD has to be there at a certain time and is dropped off there at the end of the day - but it is definitely out of her way. What I know of her (school mum friend but not close friend) is she is genuinely lovely and generous "I'm going anyway it's no bother and nice for them to travel together" and I don't want to take advantage of her good nature but likewise, haven't budgeted for school travel and DD is quite capable of walking or cycling but understandably prefers the lift!

OP posts:
tiggergoesbounce · 12/10/2022 14:48

I think an acknowledgment is needed no matter how awkward.

Something like "oh i know you have been giving DD a lift to school each morning, i know she is so grateful as we had planned for her to cycle. If your DD wants to come for tea to ours on a........that would be lovely"

See it depends on how far out of their way would a tenner near on cover tye extra or is that a massive insult because its a long diversion??

NoSquirrels · 12/10/2022 14:48

In the first week of term DD's best friend offered the lift & as you can imagine she was delighted - I saw no reason to say no

As the offer was made to you - you accepted it, rather than DD without consulting - then you should contribute something.

EarringsandLipstick · 12/10/2022 14:49

I never get these threads here.

No-one I know would remotely expect money for a lift on a journey they were (broadly) making anyway.

However, reciprocation in terms of sharing lifts or offering another lift for a different purpose would be the norm & would be generally expected.

If I couldn't do the above, I'd say that directly and ask if it was ok, and yes, get a gift at Christmas.

But it would be to do with manners & sharing not because of cost. I'd be mortified if someone tried to give me money for petrol for a journey like this.

Mrsjayy · 12/10/2022 14:51

lechatnoir · 12/10/2022 14:48

When mum first offered, I told DD to walk to the main road but she was insistent she'd come to the end of our road- DD has to be there at a certain time and is dropped off there at the end of the day - but it is definitely out of her way. What I know of her (school mum friend but not close friend) is she is genuinely lovely and generous "I'm going anyway it's no bother and nice for them to travel together" and I don't want to take advantage of her good nature but likewise, haven't budgeted for school travel and DD is quite capable of walking or cycling but understandably prefers the lift!

I think maybe a Costa voucher or something for mum at the end of each term for taking her might take away any awkwardness of money would be a nice gesture, the mum sounds nice.

NoSquirrels · 12/10/2022 14:52

I'd be mortified if someone tried to give me money for petrol for a journey like this.

Mortified seems an overreaction - sharing fuel costs on a daily commute is a pretty normal state of affairs. If you didn’t need the money you’d just say ‘Oh, that’s so generous of you but there’s no need, really’ and just carry on, sans mortification.

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 12/10/2022 14:53

The fact is that your dd wants to take a lift from friend's mum. I would definitely offer to pay. If yo don't want to pay, I would make sure she walks or cycles.

Original poster
lechatnoir · 12/10/2022 14:56

The lift was originally offered via DD (in fact she got a lift for nearly the full week before I twigged how quickly she was getting home!) then it just continued with "DD's mum said she'll take me" and I sent a text saying thank you!

I have done a couple of runs when she needs to be in work early or they have after school activities but 9 of out 10 lifts are done by her - even days I'm off work and offer she says no.

OP posts:
SuperCamp · 12/10/2022 14:58

MarmiteCoriander · 12/10/2022 14:41

Do you take it in turns, or they only take your DD to and from school EVERY SINGLE DAY and you don't reciprocate???

Yes, of course you should contribute! They are saving you £500 on bus fares! I'd also be checking the arrangement still works for them. Are you planning to continue this free ride till she leaves school???

You always see posts on here from the other side saying how its such a pain to have to leave their house earlier, to collect someone else due to the diversion- even if small, that is a diversion for them 10x a week!!!

RTFT properly.

The OP planned for her DD to walk or cycle because if the expensive buses and because it is a very short cycling distance.

So any expenditure for lifts is extra to what the OP had planned.

shiningstar2 · 12/10/2022 15:03

They might have offered because they are a bit broke as well and are hoping you'll share costs. I would have to offer something ...especially as your DD travels further so the extra travel costs do mount up. Best in mind winter is coming, with slippy icy roads and snow so I'm wondering how sustainable the cycling will be during these months. It's difficult when money is tight but you may have found yourself having to pay bus fares during the winter months and maybe a small contribution to petrol costs works out much cheaper.

Maslinka · 12/10/2022 15:06

I used to do a regular lift that helped DD's friend's granny but didn't put me out. It was only once a week though, not twice a day.

Very occasionally, maybe twice a year, the family would take my child out to McDonald's with theirs. I thought that was lovely. I didn't want or need money from them but it made me feel appreciated.

I think you should find some way to reciprocate, maybe invite her DD over for film night or sleepover, or take them out to the cinema and refuse payment for her ticket. I think I'd feel uncomfortable taking so many favours even so.

Mrsjayy · 12/10/2022 15:06

I honestly think if someone was struggling for petrol money their kid would walk or cycle , I don't think anyone hints at sharing costs the mum is probably just being nice

StopFeckingFaffing · 12/10/2022 15:14

I suspect that the Mum providing the lifts will not want any money from you but it would be polite to offer some petrol money and acknowledge that you and DD are very grateful for her generosity

If she declines the offer (which is most likely) then a gift at the end of term would be a nice gesture

If she says "yes please can I have £10 a week" (highly unlikely) then you can decide whether or not to pay or get DD to walk or bike instead

5zeds · 12/10/2022 15:19

I think I wouldn’t allow it. Surely Dd can just walk and they can meet at school.