Should we offer petrol money for daily school run?

[lechatnoir]

I'm in a dilemma about what, if anything, I should offer a friend towards petrol for taking my daughter to and from school every day. On the face of it of course we should contribute, but, we didn't ask and actively not get bus passes due to ridiculous costs (£500 per child) and living what we consider acceptable walking/cycling distance*. DC were expecting to walk or cycle with us doing the odd lift /paying bus fare in bad weather - none particularly wild about the idea but understood & accepted it.

In the first week of term DD's best friend offered the lift & as you can imagine she was delighted - I saw no reason to say no but now feel obliged to contribute. I'm loathe to ask in case she says 'oh great £25 a week should cover it?" but likewise don't want to appear ungrateful as it is much easier for DD.

Should I pay something or just buy a nice thank you gift at Christmas?

*DD goes to furthest away school at 2.3 miles (others 1.4miles) We are roughly en-route to her school but it does require a diversion through a housing estate rather than main road so there is some disruption to their journey.

I think you should speak to her. Maybe say the plan was for her to walk or cycle and that she mustn't feel obliged to do this as it will be inconveniencing her. If she continues to do it then I would buy her a really nice gift.

Another mum drops my daughter off front Yr bus stop (10min walk for my daughter but they live 15min drive away). Roughly every term or two I take her to lunch or afternoon tea to thank her.

Always always offer. Mind you I offered to take a friends daughter to school as it was basically apart from a very slight detour on the way to school where my daughter goes. I didn’t expect an offer of anything it didn’t cross my mind but if it was the other way around I would offer something, if they said no to that I would buy them an Xmas prezzie etc

Oops wrong thread 🤣

I saw no reason to say no but now feel obliged to contribute
I don't really understand this? If you didn't want to play fair and contribute you should have said no!

Interesting, though!

What about a box of chocolates, or bottle of wine every fortnight?

friends offered to take our eldest in the first year, we offered money and were told don’t be silly as they are going there anyway, I then bought them nice gifts for special holidays and termly, from our eldest to say thank you

But op says quite clearly "I say no reason to say no" (to the lift),when she could have said exactly this.

I would definitely offer a token amount of money (nowhere near what the bus costs, if she asks you how much you were thinking of then maybe £20 a month would be reasonable?), and if she refuses then a nice present once a term to say thank you.

But also have a conversation directly with the mum along the lines of you understand that friendships change over secondary school and it may be that the two girls fall out, or just drift apart, or for whatever other reason the lifts situation doesn't work any more for the other family and that you completely understand that and it's fine to stop at any time its no longer convenient for them. Just to make it clear that there's no expectation that this will go on forever just because it's currently a regular thing.

You could speak to the mum and explain that you are simply cutting down on expenses and you feel really guilty about her taking your DD and not offering any money so you are more than happy to get DD to walk/cycle.
The mum will either reply to say it's absolutely no issue and she doesn't mind. Or she will say ok.

Issue solved and it's been agreed 👏🏼

It sounds like she’s happy to do it. Id just say that you’re extremely grateful, that you’re not in a position to offer fuel money but to let you know if there’s anytime you can help out but also make it clear that it’s not expected and if it becomes a pain for any reason to say immediately. Id stress that she can simply say it’s no longer working for her at anytime without having to explain any further. I’d also buy her a lovely Christmas present to say thank you.

When I had that, I offered petrol money and was told no because she was going anyway. I made sure at the end of every term I gave a nice bottle of wine and a thank you card, and made sure it was clear that they could say no at any point.
I also on the odd occasion they couldn't, made sure that I dropped everything to pick all the children up/take them too.

At the end when they finished I gave a M&S voucher and presents.

I was very very very grateful and I hope she knew that (we're still friends anyway🤣)

Coming at it from the 'lift giver' perspective...

I have taken ds1's friend to school every day since yr 7 (now in yr10). I meet him halfway between his house and mine to avoid driving past the primary school and getting stuck in all the traffic. It saves us £500 each for a bus pass to go to 1.2 miles every day, I used to do the morning and afternoon run but changed my hours at work so only do am now and they get the bus back (£1.50 which is nothing in the grand scheme of things)
They generally get me a big bag of chocolate/treats at the end of the Christmas and summer terms which is reward enough for me! I honestly don't mind doing it, yes it can be a pita if we're running late but 🤷‍♀️ that's life.

Don't sweat it op, give the friends mum a treat at the end of the 'big' terms and remind your DD to say thank you at the end of every journey

I’d suggest a gift at the end of EACH term.

I never mind giving my daughter's friends lifts and often do, but ai know some people mind. My daughter goes to school with a few girls who then all go riding after school at the same riding club. I keep trying to arrange a car pool because it doesn't make sense otherwise if they all go from the same place to the same place, but one of the girls appears to be put out by us asking if my daughter could be picked up by her as well. I don't really get it and I had given that same girl a lift from school to the riding club before 🤷‍♀️

This is what I would do.

100% agree! I lift share with one Mum so we each do 5 lifts a week to secondary sch in next village. I have to park up in library car park 10 mins before my DS & his friend walk down & wait for them at the end of the day. (or nowhere to park) plus traffic to school and back in mornings can be absolute carnage if local motorways are bad etc so can take me ages. Sometimes the other kid isn't ready on the mornings so we're waiting outside the house etc for a few mins. It completely changes the dynamic in the car do I can't chat to DS properly about his day tilweve dropped his pal home etc. I can't relax & sing along to the radio cos apparently that's embarrassing. I can't take my DS to any shops straight after sch either as have to drop other boy home first.It works for us because we share it though I've had to get up & take other boy to school when my own son was ill in bed etc. So that's a bit annoying. I think token offer of some petrol money once a term or gift etc is needed really 🤔

So you your excuse for not helping out with petrol costs are 'well I never asked for it'.

Yeah OP you are being a cheeky fucker.

Get your dd to walk ride a bike

I wouldn’t expect or accept cash, but a chat about how much it’s appreciated and if you could return the favour in a different way, eg having their dd after school 1 night a week, lifts to clubs etc, would be great. It’s always good to know there’s someone you can ask for help if you need it.

Monthly gift - flowers/candle/chocs - £10 a time if she won't accept money

£2.50 a week to not have her cycle or walk in the rain is a bargain.

Gift at Christmas and a treat day out once a term for her DD if you can stretch to it.

You should offer to pay or refuse lifts

2.3 miles in winter was never going to be achievable

it’s not safe in most areas to have kids on bikes on icy roads and your kid would arrive at school soaking wet - I imagine you’d have paid bus daily then

is be paying tenner a week

I'd be really offended if I'd offered a lift to a child and their parent made them walk instead! I'd wonder what was wrong with my lifts! I think a nice Christmas present, a posh egg at Easter, and a present at the end of the summer term would be fine. People mostly just want to be appreciated, especially if they are doing the journey anyway so it's not really increasing their costs to do it.